There are two sides to every story
It’s true that there are two sides to every story and the truth lies in a combination of both. I can only give my perspective on the situation.
Shockingly to no one, I’m still married. To say it’s been a blissful time would be an insult to everyone involved. I tried to be amicable and ask for what I thought was fair, but I couldn’t get him to agree to take the papers from me, and trying to get him served proved to be more difficult than anticipated. His schedule had him in different places all over the city, and of course being transparent in where he was from one day to the next was an impossible task. For whatever reason, he didn’t and still doesn’t want to get divorced. Why? It’s beyond any measure of my imagination. Probably because for the last 12 years he hasn’t had to worry about when the bills will be paid, how food will arrive in the cupboards and fridge, and the house always seems to be clean. I suppose if the shoe were on the other foot, I wouldn’t want to give up my easy situation of just being able to go to work and come home either. But why would someone want to come home to a place where their presence is largely avoided?
Admittedly, I have not been the picture of warmth and pleasantness. Then again, why would I be when I have repeatedly asked him to leave? Am I supposed to just pretend that everything is fine and life will just continue like nothing happened? I’m supposed to be a pillar of support to someone who doesn’t see an issue with their behaviors or habits, ones which are a strain on the family as a whole?
Addiction is hard. I’ve learned a lot about the addict brain in my PhD studies, but they all boil down to the same thing-a want or desire to get better. If the person who has an addiction does not see the value in sobriety, and does not have the desire to get clean, the point is moot. A person has to want to be better, to get better, to DO better. Without that longing for something else, there’s no point in trying. I’ve been patient with him and offered several times to assist with getting him on that path. He doesn’t want it. If he did, he would be walking the walk. So, I’ve had to make certain decisions to distance myself from it because you simply cannot help someone who does not want it. I’ve cried, pleaded, begged for him to fight for our family, for us, for himself-but actions speak louder than words. Simply hanging on because you’ve got nowhere else to go is not fighting for your family or your marriage. It’s a selfish act to self preserve so you can continue behaving and repeating the same patterns.
Well, all of us have had our fill of empty promises and lies. None of us believe a word that comes out of his mouth, but somehow we are to blame for it. We aren’t supportive or we “hate” him. The sad thing? Hate implies there’s still some kind of feeling. We (as in me and the kids) are apathetic. Apathy is dangerous because it implies the lack of any feeling. We’ve all been pushed to that point.
Not to say the kids don’t love him; they do. I don’t. Not anymore. Not after having a heartfelt conversation for two hours outside for him to come back inside and repeat the same behavior. I might be foolish, but I’m no fool. A person can only be hurt so many times before that pain becomes a catalyst for change. So that’s where I am. Changing. I’m growing and evolving. I’m planning my exit and hoping at some point he will just do what I’ve been asking for years and leave. Most of my responses to his words are “okay” or “whatever you need to tell yourself” because I refuse to get pulled back into the cycle of bullshit.
I’m done getting sucked back into a toxic cycle. It’s not good for me. Because I refuse to engage with it, I’m being accused of cheating. The most hilarious part of this accusation is the person I’m supposedly cheating with is someone whom I’ve not spoken to outside of a professional capacity in over a decade and because they showed up on his “People You May Know” list on Facebook. What’s even more rich? I’m not even friends with that particular individual on social media, and they live in San Antonio to the last of my knowledge. My guess here is that someone is feeling guilty of their own indiscretions and projecting that on me. I’m not the one having secret conversations on Snapchat and sending nude pictures of myself, face included, to people I don’t know. And what’s worse? That person who was on the receiving end of those pictures knew I existed, and continued to entertain a married man. One who states he doesn’t want to lose me or grant me a divorce. Adorable. But I’m an unsupportive spouse who doesn’t care about him, and I’m just a heartless bitch. Has it been made clear from his side of the story that I’ve asked him to leave because he refuses to address his addiction? Of course not. I’m just an unforgiving, unfaithful, cold-hearted bitch. Got it. Spin whatever story you need to for you to garner sympathy.
Here’s a hint: sympathy can be found between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.
Did I have inappropriate conversations with people back in 2017-18 when my husband was lying around getting drunk like a bum and taking pills? Sure I did. Why? Because I was trying to find somewhere soft to land when I decided to jump. Was it the correct decision? No. It wasn’t, and I apologized and corrected my behavior. Instead of fixing things way back when, he doubled down and decided to not work, where I was out busting my ass working two jobs while he laid around getting drunk. I carried this family for two years while he wallowed in his addiction. He made promises to get better, to do better… but here we are, no better and he’s still an addict who won’t get help. But now, out of nowhere I’m suddenly involved in an affair with someone with whom I haven’t spoken to outside of work since 2015? Ha. That’s rich. I’ve decided that I’d rather be all by myself than be involved with anyone. I’m too busy with work, school, and making sure my kids are involved with their activities to be looking for any kind of relationship. If I was looking for someone or something, I’d sooner hit up the Secret Affaire website and procure myself a new toy than get into a new relationship. At least it can be put in a drawer and forgotten about until I need it again.
If I ever embark on a new relationship, it will be one where I am appreciated for the effort I put into it, have my efforts matched, and hope that maybe I will be given the most basic respect that every relationship should have that’s been missing from my not soon-enough-to-be former.
Even if he were to get clean, there’s been too much deceit, lies, and bullshit for us to ever get to a point where we could be good for one another. He wants reconciliation, I want freedom.
If I decide I do want a new relationship, I want a man who looks at me like I’m a steak off the grill and he hasn’t eaten in years. I want a man who will treat me like there isn’t anyone else in the world who could get his attention, and if they tried he wouldn’t entertain it. I want someone who will make me feel safe and vulnerable without being patronized for needing that. I don’t want to be shamed for having lost nearly 120 pounds to get myself healthy again. I don’t want to have to answer questions about why I am choosing myself and my health over an unhealthy relationship, or why I refuse to put forth any effort to a situation I fought so hard for so long without any changes. Addicts are addicts, and unless they want to change and put in the work, it’s just a cycle that keeps repeating. I’ve chosen to remove myself from that cycle, and if that makes me a bad person, so be it.
So, again, there are two sides to every story. This is mine.