annnd almost 2months after.....
hmm, so that post was written right before my comp died\i came here, to the bahamas. being here hasn't been as easy i i thought it would be, or maybe it is just hard in different directions. i thought i was doing my family, predominately my mom and dad,and myself a huge favor by coming here. i knew it would be hard on them. but i also knew it would be in their best interest. i was excited for me, for this. to break away, man, to get that much needed separation and growth. which is entirely true. it has been an amazing experience so far and i'm only two months in. but, i have my moments where i start missing my people. my family especially. i've learned to really appreciate how wonderful my mom is since being here. right now there is a lot going on for her, especially at home. uncle frank has leukemia and they made the sitting room downstairs into a hospice room for him instead of going for a nursing home. he is delirious more than half the time and doesn't recognize people, including his sister, my grammy. i feel guilty that i am not there to help, but mum told me to stay when i brought it up. she knows how much i need this, which is apparantly more than she needs me. i love her so very very much for giving me this opportunity. i need to remember to continue to give myself the oppertunity, though. i am developing an addictive oroblem with facebook, especially if i know someone is going to write back to me. i'm mentallystill getting involved in the going-ons back home, and i have NO CONTROL OVER IT. well, i should ay over what happens back in good ol' new england. i have absolute control over how often i go on facebook. i just need to work my will power muscles. in general, really. i'm very good at going with the flow, and being mellow, or spontanious, but will power (waking up early, doing things i know are good for me like running ro yoga or workshops....) i am seriously lacking some self discipline. which, after talking to someone wonderful named ruth, i realze trickles down back into self respect. i know how littleself respect i had, once. and how much i've grown. now i need to grow iteven more.according to yogic philosophy i am god. i am the atman, this one little concious blip of the almighty universe residing in a human form with the capabiity of tuning in to every other living entity on this planet because while the physicl form is different, the jiva,soul, is not. the conciousness, the self, is no different. by disrespecting myself, i disrespect the universe. this also goes for when i disrespect others. today in one o fthe workshops i realized how much i need to let go of my urge to get those i love to stop taking drugs. to stop drinking.smoking. these are lessons my friends have to learn on their own and no matter how i approach or push or shove.. it wont work i need to remember to stand steadh as a support beam, not a carpenter. which is really really really really really hard when ll i want to do is Fix it and make it better and take away the pain. i know drugsaren't bad. i know drugs can lead to lifting the veil off spirituality for at least a little while. but i also know that many people abuse them. too many. drugs are not an answer to finding happiness, they are masking the original question. it's not their fault that they happen to be frickin stellarly amusing as well as poisonous. i just. i need to find a better adjective for really.my heart is just so full of love for those in my life who use, anything,really, and i wish for them to be able to not supplement an outside source when theyre capable of fillingthe void within with their own self love and understanding. creativity,fun,concentration, freedom,are possible sober. and can even be better, with practice. i dunno. i'm sleepy and rambling. i miss cuddles, and sweet touches. more than sex. and yeah. i miss iswara. i am suppose to be over him by now but he wont get out of my effing head. i don't want to love him anymore. i don't want to think about him or what he is doing and if he's ok and if he misses me. indon't want to wonder if he's actually sticking to being celebate or if someone has caught his fancy. i want to let him go and be ok with just being friend with him but i apperantly don't know how. because i know that i deserve better than someone who has commitment issues, who has cheated on me, whohas TOLD ME. to leave him in the dust, that it won't work. that i he's hurt me to much for me to trust. and he's right. i know (relatively) exactly what i want from him. and i know that he is more than capable of giving it to me. he could, in theory, make me the happiest woman. but he isn't ready. and it is unfair of me to attempt to evolve a relationship off my own preconceptions. right? fuck it. i'm giving up on spell check. to tired and wonky computnerness .see?