blue starry blues
elanor roosevelt once said that you only feel inferior to those you let make you feel inferior...or something like that...
the other day i was beckoned to go across the way to wish ash a happy birthday. i walked across the street and as i neared the stairs i say this guy sitting there.well, i'm not going to stand there and shuffle my feet in silence, so i introduce myself and just start talking to him. just past the halfway mark the door opens and this bitch-face girl...(bitch-face: decidedly pissed off expression that warrants the coming bitch-slap, physical or otherwise...).. comes out. i figure her to be debra, the girlfriend. i call her out on her name and she gives me a glare and an acknowledgement before asking isaac if he was coming in already, response, continued conversation under scrutiny, we say goodbye, and as debra leaves an after glare i hear a mumble as they go through the door
well, that was an ugly girl...-debra. door shuts
w-h-h-ell then. someone doesn't like their boy talking to other vaginas. laughed it off.
but what pisses me off...more about myself than the situation..is that it still stung. i know it for what it is, jealous, vomit-flavored dribble. but there is the part of me that goes with it, that goes you are ugly.. go hide your face in a bag, don't even try, just accept you'll never be attractive. epic fail= your face. i repeat these thoughts and similarly vulgar ones to myself sporadically throughout the hours (days) to follow. life tastes like viciously burnt and slightly exploded poptarts.
i know that most of my self-mutterings are simply vile, pointless and untrue, yet i don't stop myself. pretty sadistic, but it doesn't last. pity parties are like lame ones...you feel awkward and miserable to the point where leaving is the best part of it. i'm at the point in it now where i am cutting away the sticky strands of shadow that in my minds eye, is this feeling(accompanied by toxic-green foggy gas)
because i flew a kite today,
and helped my family
and made a kid feel special
and saw a childhood friend
because i saw life growing
and saw wise people observing
because i saw connections between generation-heirs.
and rescued a not-in-peril cat
because i enjoyed today, and the fact that i am aware enough to enjoy it.
sometimes life feels like i'm looking at one of those little get from here-to-here mazes, except all the paths are crooked and bent and closed. sometimes it feels like i'm spinning in a circle, round and round with an arm outstretched, finger pointed to lead the way once my body and head stop spinning, except i don't know when to stop. sometimes it feels like walking on a trail in the woods,one foot in front of the next.
i love remembering to live. breathe deep, touch soft fabric or rough bark, smile at the sun and listen to the cacophy of nature noises. recognize life moves on steadily with or without you, that your experiences are your novel and that everyones rainbow is made up of different colors.