Posting Bout Life
Hello LJ, it's been a while.
Well friends, what can I say? It's been a trip. I needed a hiatus from everything for a while so I could remember what it was like to be human again. I've been through some hoops these last couple of months, and aside from the occasional blurb on FaceBook, have not really cared to continue updating about everything that has happened to me these last few months.
However, I've reached a level of stability now where I feel I can begin explaining things without hurting nearly so much. And I feel there's a few people who will see this in the future so they can piece together their own explanation of my distancing. I'm not playing favorites or trying to single any one person out. I just felt that I needed to cope in different ways and in doing such, I've pushed some people away.
I'll start from the top:
In November, Paul and I decided our marriage was over. And not in just a gradual, step-by-step separation process. More like an abrupt "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE RIGHT NOW" split. It was extremely hard on both of us, and Aiden as well. Aiden seems to be coping well with all of it, as does Paul(though he always does). In the beginning of it all, I fell into a crippling depression. Upon my return to Texas, I did not make contact with anyone other than my Grandma and Dad for 3 weeks. Not even my own sister.
Then, with cautious baby steps, I started to get in touch with old friends again. And then I got into school. And then I started branching out and making new friends. And I got myself back into the swing of a semi-normal life of a 24 year old divorcee.
However, the depression was still there.
I wanted Paul back and sometimes, it was the only thing I could wrap my mind around. I would lock myself in my room for hours and cry until I passed out. I would lash out at people without a reason. I would drink myself stupid and stop caring about the consequences of my actions. And I hurt people by doing this.
I started to pull myself out of that rut around mid to late March when Paul and I went to custody court to make arrangements for Aiden. Unfortunately for me, the court ruled in Paul's favor. In my own defense though, I have ALL of the allotted visitation that the court could possibly allow for a school-age child. And to add to that, the court left the order open-ended, meaning that they in no way thought that I was not a fit and proper parent. I think the ruling came out the way it did for the following reasons.
a) I'm the parent that moved out.
b) Aiden does have a learning disability and is receiving state-standard training in the state of Maryland.
c) Paul filed for custody first.
d) Aiden was only 3 when all of this fell into place and it is a traumatic event. Why take him out of his home?
e)The state of Maryland gets to tax my child support monies. (Paul and I found a way around this but I'm sure money played a little influence in the courts decision)
Whatever their reasoning was, I'm not terribly hurt by the decision. Do I miss my son terribly and want him with me? Always. But Aiden is in extremely capable hands with Paul. While I may not agree with all of his parenting tactics, I'm sure Aiden will thrive just as well with his Father then he would with me. And while I wish it was the other way around, I can say that I'm happy that Aiden has the loving and caring Dad that he does.
I've done well with my time alone as well. I found a job that I like. I got back in with Radio Shack if you can believe it. It has its ups and downs but overall, I'm pretty content with it. I've met some really great new people, and I've reconnected with some really great old friends. I've become more independent with my finances and am balancing them pretty well considering that I've taken some huge losses. I received therapy for the depression, and even got approved to be taken off the anxiety medication they put me on in Maryland. It was a gradual cut-down and I didn't have any crazy withdrawal symptoms or episodes. I started taking steps to get a finalized divorce this upcoming November so that maybe in the future, I can consider trying to find a new relationship.
I'm putting my life back together as one whole instead of a half. There's things that I miss. There's times when I wonder if I'll be alone forever. There's still days that I just don't want to get out of bed and forget existence. But I think that in the end, everything is going to be okay. And so long as everything is okay, I will continue to move forward.
So that's it kids. I'll be around a bit more frequently now, though I'm not crazy about LJ's new formatting. I guess I'm just a loyalist. It's the only blog account that I've kept.
See ya'll later, hope all is well.
-Firefly
Well friends, what can I say? It's been a trip. I needed a hiatus from everything for a while so I could remember what it was like to be human again. I've been through some hoops these last couple of months, and aside from the occasional blurb on FaceBook, have not really cared to continue updating about everything that has happened to me these last few months.
However, I've reached a level of stability now where I feel I can begin explaining things without hurting nearly so much. And I feel there's a few people who will see this in the future so they can piece together their own explanation of my distancing. I'm not playing favorites or trying to single any one person out. I just felt that I needed to cope in different ways and in doing such, I've pushed some people away.
I'll start from the top:
In November, Paul and I decided our marriage was over. And not in just a gradual, step-by-step separation process. More like an abrupt "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE RIGHT NOW" split. It was extremely hard on both of us, and Aiden as well. Aiden seems to be coping well with all of it, as does Paul(though he always does). In the beginning of it all, I fell into a crippling depression. Upon my return to Texas, I did not make contact with anyone other than my Grandma and Dad for 3 weeks. Not even my own sister.
Then, with cautious baby steps, I started to get in touch with old friends again. And then I got into school. And then I started branching out and making new friends. And I got myself back into the swing of a semi-normal life of a 24 year old divorcee.
However, the depression was still there.
I wanted Paul back and sometimes, it was the only thing I could wrap my mind around. I would lock myself in my room for hours and cry until I passed out. I would lash out at people without a reason. I would drink myself stupid and stop caring about the consequences of my actions. And I hurt people by doing this.
I started to pull myself out of that rut around mid to late March when Paul and I went to custody court to make arrangements for Aiden. Unfortunately for me, the court ruled in Paul's favor. In my own defense though, I have ALL of the allotted visitation that the court could possibly allow for a school-age child. And to add to that, the court left the order open-ended, meaning that they in no way thought that I was not a fit and proper parent. I think the ruling came out the way it did for the following reasons.
a) I'm the parent that moved out.
b) Aiden does have a learning disability and is receiving state-standard training in the state of Maryland.
c) Paul filed for custody first.
d) Aiden was only 3 when all of this fell into place and it is a traumatic event. Why take him out of his home?
e)The state of Maryland gets to tax my child support monies. (Paul and I found a way around this but I'm sure money played a little influence in the courts decision)
Whatever their reasoning was, I'm not terribly hurt by the decision. Do I miss my son terribly and want him with me? Always. But Aiden is in extremely capable hands with Paul. While I may not agree with all of his parenting tactics, I'm sure Aiden will thrive just as well with his Father then he would with me. And while I wish it was the other way around, I can say that I'm happy that Aiden has the loving and caring Dad that he does.
I've done well with my time alone as well. I found a job that I like. I got back in with Radio Shack if you can believe it. It has its ups and downs but overall, I'm pretty content with it. I've met some really great new people, and I've reconnected with some really great old friends. I've become more independent with my finances and am balancing them pretty well considering that I've taken some huge losses. I received therapy for the depression, and even got approved to be taken off the anxiety medication they put me on in Maryland. It was a gradual cut-down and I didn't have any crazy withdrawal symptoms or episodes. I started taking steps to get a finalized divorce this upcoming November so that maybe in the future, I can consider trying to find a new relationship.
I'm putting my life back together as one whole instead of a half. There's things that I miss. There's times when I wonder if I'll be alone forever. There's still days that I just don't want to get out of bed and forget existence. But I think that in the end, everything is going to be okay. And so long as everything is okay, I will continue to move forward.
So that's it kids. I'll be around a bit more frequently now, though I'm not crazy about LJ's new formatting. I guess I'm just a loyalist. It's the only blog account that I've kept.
See ya'll later, hope all is well.
-Firefly