Malajusted dyslexia
So, I find myself oddly depressed, but not. That makes absolutely no sense and that is fine, because most days I make less sense than most people. It's weird. I feel like I'm sad, but I have no reason to be sad. Then I shrug it off and find something else for my mind to occupy.
I really don't want to go to work tomorrow. I'm just not in the mood. I want a few more days off for no other reason than to have those days off. I really do enjoy my job though. I just need a break from that place for more than two days because it seems those two days just fly by. I seem to spend a lot of time at work. a lot of time. I need to get out of there when I'm scheduled to more often.
I have a very limited social life as well. I don't say that to be depressive or put out an invitation to a pity party, that's just the way it is right now. I feel lost most times. When I try to talk to people about anything that I might be feeling, no matter how inane, I'm reminded of that one song "I just needed someone to talk to and you were just to busy with yourself..." And after I remind myself of that song I realize that my life ain't that bad and convince myself that I'm not that depressed and I really don't feel that way.
But... then I wonder. Do I really feel that way? I internalize a lot of feelings. I shrug off a lot of my emotions as immaterial to my life. I don't know why I do that, it's just what I have always done. I sit in a dark room right now with a zen water fountain running and a coffee cake scented candle burning. My roommate is a sleep, out cold I supposed, but then I could be wrong. These seems very melodramatic, but it's nothing of the sort.
I just really wanted life to be something I looked forward to. I think the reason that I don't like to go to sleep is partly because I have to do it all over again tomorrow. I have to have another day, another day living the way I do. This is starting to sound very depressing and here is where I hit my impasse.
I do not want this life to end. I will NEVER pro-actively seek to end my life before i'm meant to die, but anytime anyone expresses feelings such as these it's an automatic flag to comfort someone. I hate that. I hate people who express feelings as a way to vy for attention. This is how I feel. Why do I write this?
So that you reading this can realize that you aren't the only one that feels this way.
Paul
I really don't want to go to work tomorrow. I'm just not in the mood. I want a few more days off for no other reason than to have those days off. I really do enjoy my job though. I just need a break from that place for more than two days because it seems those two days just fly by. I seem to spend a lot of time at work. a lot of time. I need to get out of there when I'm scheduled to more often.
I have a very limited social life as well. I don't say that to be depressive or put out an invitation to a pity party, that's just the way it is right now. I feel lost most times. When I try to talk to people about anything that I might be feeling, no matter how inane, I'm reminded of that one song "I just needed someone to talk to and you were just to busy with yourself..." And after I remind myself of that song I realize that my life ain't that bad and convince myself that I'm not that depressed and I really don't feel that way.
But... then I wonder. Do I really feel that way? I internalize a lot of feelings. I shrug off a lot of my emotions as immaterial to my life. I don't know why I do that, it's just what I have always done. I sit in a dark room right now with a zen water fountain running and a coffee cake scented candle burning. My roommate is a sleep, out cold I supposed, but then I could be wrong. These seems very melodramatic, but it's nothing of the sort.
I just really wanted life to be something I looked forward to. I think the reason that I don't like to go to sleep is partly because I have to do it all over again tomorrow. I have to have another day, another day living the way I do. This is starting to sound very depressing and here is where I hit my impasse.
I do not want this life to end. I will NEVER pro-actively seek to end my life before i'm meant to die, but anytime anyone expresses feelings such as these it's an automatic flag to comfort someone. I hate that. I hate people who express feelings as a way to vy for attention. This is how I feel. Why do I write this?
So that you reading this can realize that you aren't the only one that feels this way.
Paul