Forgive me for my distance, part 2/2
Title: Forgive me for my distance 2/2
Author: Joey
Rating: T (PG-13)
Pairing : Cannon, though especially Kaylee/Simon
Characters: Simon and the whole of the crew
Genre: General, Character study
Warning : A wee bit of slash? Just hints of it, and very much not graphic.
Timeline/Spoilers: The main storyline starts after Objects in Space, goes all the way to the movie and follows up on it a little bit. (Spoilers for the comics, too.)
Summary: Ever thought Simon had changed quite a bit between the series and the movie ? The fic looks at Simon's character and his evolution in the lapse of time separating the series and the movie, intertwined with memories from his MedAcad days.
Disclaimer: Joss is God. I'm just a minion.
Thanks: To my beta-readers, meaning fan_elune, larian and celebros, and to fireflybeta for helping me find them! You guys rock, and you were really helpful. :)
Part 1 : here.
Forgive me for my distance
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
Part 2 :
Fears and confessions
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
Even as Simon knocked on Jae-Ik's door, he was stuck thinking about River's letters. He'd received a new one that afternoon, one that made even less sense than usual, and he was growing more and more certain that something was off. He couldn't pinpoint what just yet, and that unnerved him. Just another week, he kept telling himself, and he'd have graduated and would be home. Then he could talk to his parents about it.
But even that thought didn't make the bad gut feeling go away.
"Hey Simon." He was almost surprised at hearing his name. Jae-Ik stepped forward to drop a peck on his lips, before gesturing him to come into the room. "Baobei? You look like you're somewhere else."
Simon shook his head with a smile, forcing himself to stop thinking about the letters. They both settled on Jae-Ik's sofa and started talking the final project they had to start working on. Simon was about to pitch in an idea for the first experiment when Jae-Ik spoke up. "Oh by the way, did you hear about the doctor who was attacked last night?" Simon shook his head. "He's a MedAcad alumnae. He was just walking back home, not very far from a Blackout Zone, and suddenly this guy launched at him. He had a gun and all."
Simon frowned. "Nobody should be that close to a Blackout Zone."
"But he wasn't that close, that's the thing. The attacker managed to smuggle a gun out." Jae-Ik shuddered. "Y'know, sometimes I kinda get the Representatives who say we should be allowed to carry guns around. Anyone from the Border planets can land here, and those guys are just - uncivilized sometimes, right? You never know what they can do to you."
"The police take their guns away when they land," Simon noticed.
"I'm sure they can't get them all. Sometimes the borderers are real sneaky, especially the Independents."
"I'm sure some of them are still aggravated that we won the war, but -"
Jae-Ik smiled and kissed him. "Simon, you're too cute sometimes. You don't realize what those guys are like - see the story from last night? Any of them would love to have a go at us, seriously."
"I trust the police," Simon replied, maybe a little too forcefully. "They're everywhere, and they'll protect us - the guy last night didn't get hurt, right? The police were there. We don't need to be just as savage as some inhabitants of the border planets." The other boy looked doubtful. "We're better than that, Jae. The police are looking out for us."
And he believed it with untainted faith.
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
"River, what did you - why did you do this?"
As soon as he found River bleeding in the middle of his anesthetic bottles, Simon's doctor instincts had taken over and prevented him from agonizing over the image of his sister covered with blood. But despite the professionalism he showed as he cleaned River's arms and took her to Inara's shuttle, he was worried sick. This was more serious than anything they'd gone through before.
They're here. Terror was overwhelming in her eyes as she spoke the words, but it wasn't just that - it was defeat gleaming in that look, too. And he knew this all too well. Back on Ariel, she'd had the same reaction. The same phrase. Doesn't matter. They're here. And whoever they were, Simon was positive he didn't want them within a mile of his sister.
He didn't even have time to go back to the infirmary and run some tests. He had just brought River to Inara when -
"Belly! Not yours. Hers. Hers..." River exclaimed as she fell to the floor. Simon knew better now than to ignore those remarks by now.
Her belly. Serenity's. She had to be talking about the ship's interior. It made sense, of course. They were here. Inside the ship. Doing his best to keep thinking rationally rather than just run out and search the ship like a madman, he turned to Inara.
"I think this might be very serious. Keep her here, and don't leave the shuttle. I'll go see if I can find anything with Kaylee. She'll know if any damage has been done to the ship." He paused. "Don't hesitate to fly away to safety if need be."
Inara nodded gravely and hugged River. Simon gave the two women one last look before he ran away resolutely to the engine room, his heart beating faster than he wished it would. He found Kaylee there right away, and before long they were both in the cargo bay.
"Don't think we'll find nothin' on Serenity's tum to get greasy over. I ran a full diagnostic last time we docked for more'n a day."
"I don't even remember when that was," Simon remarked as he looked around. Everything looked as usual, and it was incredibly frustrating in its own way.
"Me neither, now that you -"
And suddenly a man had sprung up and grabbed Kaylee by the throat. They were both taken by surprise, but thank Buddha and his fat children, Simon didn't have the foolish reflex of jumping at the man right away. He ran to grab a barbell from Jayne's workout equipment while the man was focused on Kaylee, and a second later he slammed the barbell straight in the attacker's skull, with as much strength as he could muster, knocking him out in the process. His eyes never wandered to the trickle of blood coming out of the man's mouth as he helped Kaylee up. Even the blue latex shirt the man was wearing wasn't enough to divert Simon's attention. He pushed him out of Serenity without a second thought.
"Kaylee, close the doors."
Remarkable calm had taken over him as he turned on the speaker to keep Wash updated on the situation and to get Shepherd Book to join them in the cargo bay. Kaylee was doing her best to keep the blue men out, and he watched over her, the barbell still in his hands, ready to strike again if need be. The Shepherd was soon at his side, but Simon barely noticed.
"Keep at it, Kaylee. They come through, you get yourself to Inara's shuttle." As the words came out of his mouth, clear and self-confident, he suddenly had the strange impression of watching himself as he impersonated someone he was not. Someone closer to Mal than to anyone Simon had ever been. But he couldn't afford to think about any of this and the feeling was short-lived. "She'll know what that means. Shepherd - "
"Please don't call me that," Book asked somberly. "It makes this harder..."
And Simon knew exactly what he meant.
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
That night, after he had made sure River had fallen asleep quietly, Simon found himself sitting in the cargo bay alone. He would have liked to be able to retreat somewhere quiet, maybe a lonely field with a few horses, but Serenity's cargo bay would do for now. It wasn't exactly quiet, but at least it was lonely.
"Hello darkness my old friend, I've come to talk to you again," River whispered.
Simon was barely surprised to turn around and find his sister there. Siblings. Sometimes you couldn't tell whether you were happy or annoyed they always thwarted your plans. "I thought you were asleep, mei-mei."
River sat down next to her brother. "Thoughts. Clouding my mind." She looked at him. "You think loud."
He smiled weakly. "I'll try to be quieter next time."
"Too quiet they always said. Pinocchio boy," River nodded. Simon's eyes were vacantly staring the opposite wall again. "It doesn't make you a man, you know. Dad would be very irate."
"There is an appalling lot that Dad would be irate about," Simon said absently.
"Hurting others doesn't make a man," River kept going. "You were one before that."
"I suppose I've matched the definition for a while, yes."
"Not about the definition." River shook her head disapprovingly. "You're smarter than that. It's more than words." She paused. "It was brave of you."
"I guess it was."
"You should get the engine running now. Limbs don't make a body."
For a moment, they sat by each other in silence. Then River turned her head to Simon and looked at her brother very seriously, a slight wrinkle settling between her eyebrows.
"I get confused, but I know things. Family... it's just a word. You make it real, Simon."
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
"I can't." Simon's reply was faced by silence. Which, all considered, was not that strange since he'd been talking to a wall for the past three minutes. "I can't, if I get caught - "
The voice spoke again, more hurriedly this time. "Look, I'm risking a lot being here. We want to find out what the government is up to, but we can't fight your fight. I give you a name, I give you the meeting point. It's up to you."
"But going into a blackout zone is suicide."
"Clearly you've never been."
Simon paused. "And you're sure he'll have more information."
"If you bring enough money, it'll go smoothly."
Simon bit his lower lip, ran a nervous hand through his hair. "Which of the two blackout zones is that place in?"
"B. Easy to find, you'll see." The last word was whispered, and Simon heard some ruffling, but he couldn't have told what it was exactly. "Have to leave," was the last thing he heard from the voice.
Whoever he'd been talking with was so quiet that Simon wasn't sure when exactly she went away, but he knew for sure that he really was talking to nothing but a wall now. "I'll be there." The words echoed in his head like an oath he couldn't break now.
He buttoned up his coat, feeling chilly all of a sudden, and made his way back to the main avenue, back home. He'd almost reached their house when he came across an officer who greeted him, a smile and a friendly nod, and his stomach clutched as he smiled back and realized that he was choosing a side.
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
There hadn't been anybody to blame the Blue Gloves attack on - they'd all been ambushed. But here they were, barely a week later, another job gone wrong, and this time there was someone to blame - a good thing, because Simon had honestly had it up to here. The job had sounded simple enough when Mal had talked about it - just some almost-honest smuggling and transportation between Beylix and Athens. But, as was too often the case in Simon's opinion, it had turned out Mal had been set up to be screwed over once more.
Three guys with guns had showed up on Serenity to take them hostage - River, Kaylee, Wash and him. They'd managed to fight them off, somehow, but one of them had been taken down only feet from River's room, and Simon couldn't bear the thought. Not to mention one of them had been awfully close to shooting Kaylee, and this really didn't sit right with Simon, either.
He stormed into the hallway leading up to the bridge and found himself facing Mal right away.
"What was this about? Why were you not more careful about who you were doing business with? We get ambushed eight times out of ten! You'd think that by now you'd be careful about it not happening again! "
Mal looked calmly at Simon, but anger gleamed in his eyes. "I think you wanna be calmin' down, Doctor."
"Don't tell me what I want!" Simon exclaimed. "River's been doing so much better lately. And now you expose her to danger like this!"
"I have a whole crew to worry about, and starvin' ain't their idea of a fun time. I'm sorry we can't accommodate your feng de sister any better."
Simon clenched his jaws. "You're doing a fine job of worrying about your crew, Captain. It's not like Kaylee almost got shot again."
He didn't have time to see the punch coming, but this time, while he did sprawl to the floor, he didn't just lie there. He got back on his feet and only a very dim survival instinct stopped him from retaliating. The two men glared at each other for another few seconds, before Mal turned away.
"If you ain't out of the crew quarters in the next five seconds, Doctor, I'll see to it personally."
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
After this episode, Simon came to feel more estranged from the crew than ever. With Inara and Book off the ship, two of the people he'd felt closest to were gone. Kaylee was still here, of course, but something made him withdraw from her. Their regular conversations turned into words exchanged in the passageways. As pretexts he used both River and research he needed to do, and it worked. He still wasn't sure why he was doing this, but he managed to bury himself in other preoccupations often enough to avoid thinking about it. They'd been dancing around each other like this for too long - close one second, distant the next. He'd reached the point where he thought this was bound to be, somewhat like Mal walking into snares.
In any case, River was certainly enough for him to keep busy. She'd made tremendous progress after the incident with the Blue Gloves, like she had been released of some sort of weight. She made sense more often, as long as he didn't bring up the Academy. Her behavior seemed more stable, albeit still incomprehensible - Simon was still not sure why she liked spending hours on end walking barefooted around Serenity or lying on the ship's grates, but it had become part of a routine, and he had stopped worrying about it.
And then - it had all gotten worse. It had started when the Captain had taken River with him on that mission. Simon had been pretty aggravated about that, and it had led to another confrontation with the Captain, but that was becoming routine enough too. To be honest, the job had actually worked out pretty well, for River anyway. Not so much on other fronts, rather predictably.
No, it had really started after the job, in that bar. Suddenly River had turned into this mind-boggling, ass-kicking girl - or was that weapon? - and for the first time since he'd taken her away from the Alliance, he'd had to use the phrase he had been taught to make her sleep. Everything that had ensued - Miranda, the Operative sent by the Alliance and the Reavers - everything had happened too fast for any of the crew to really be able to sit down and think through any of it. Thinking was certainly one thing Simon hadn't found time for.
Suddenly and before they knew it, it had been terribly worse. Book had been murdered, then Wash had been killed, and they'd found themselves trapped with Reavers. They had all been pretty damn close to dying when River had saved them. Somehow. That picture of River on top of the dead Reavers had stuck in Simon's mind, a dreadful divine sight he couldn't shake off. But it was after, after he'd walked River and lay her down in her bed, after the battle was over, that the hardest had come.
He'd walked into the cockpit behind Jayne and Mal, ignoring the lancing pain in his thigh, because the body needed to be removed. He'd walked in, walked those few feet until he saw the body, the spear still coming out of the stomach, the spear which Mal and Jayne had already taken care of cutting. For the first time in his life in front of a corpse, Simon felt his stomach do a double-take and before he could do anything about it, he threw up by the passenger seat, his knuckles white from holding on to the back of the seat. As he straightened up, his whole body begging him to walk away, Mal laid his hand on his shoulder and Simon looked at him, understanding at last. Simon nodded, though he wasn't sure why, and his eyes settled on the corpse again. He felt void of everything as his eyes looked at the wound, his brain unwillingly analyzing it, and he felt even emptier as his eyes looked at the familiar face.
"You don't have to be here," Mal said, and Simon wondered if Mal's voice was really shaky, or if he was just making it up. Standing near the body, Jayne hadn't moved, and he didn't say anything as he looked at the doctor. Even his eyes were clear of any disdain.
"I do, actually," Simon replied, doing his best to sound assured. He spit on the side, trying to get rid of the acrid taste filling his mouth, and rolled up his sleeves, the knot in his throat grew tighter as he approached Wash's body. "Let's do it."
He had liked Wash. One foot closer. He hadn't had many opportunities to get to know him, to talk to him. But like everybody else on the ship, he had liked Wash. He touched the corpse. Liked the way he joked no matter the circumstances ; liked the way he pretended he hadn't seen or heard anything whenever he would witness Simon make an ass of himself with Kaylee again ; liked that he'd always tried to make Simon feel better about Jayne hating him. Most of all he'd liked Wash's happiness. His fingered lingered on the cold arm as Mal and Jayne stepped closer. He'd admired the way Wash stayed on the ship because he loved Zoe, and how he made the most out of the situation. He admired that Wash had given up a simpler life willingly, and never seemed to regret it, was even happy about it, because at night Simon couldn't push Osiris away from his dreams and nightmares.
All of it swirled in his mind as they set to dislodging the spear from the pilot's stomach. As he heaved and sweated alongside Mal and Jayne, as he loosely mended the inside organs so they wouldn't spill out, as he stitched the skin of the stomach as well as he could, as he put a new shirt on Wash's shoulders and buttoned it, all of it so that you couldn't see the hole anymore, even though he knew, everybody knew, that the hole was still there, an emptiness that grabs your throat and sucks everything out of you.
He walked away from the cockpit that night, feeling hollow, and as Mal nodded to thank him for the help, as they shared one last look before they went their separate ways, Simon glimpsed at the captain's own emptiness, at the darkness inside, and for the length of that glimpse, he felt closer to Mal than he ever had before.
He'd hoped that walking away from the body enveloped in a shroud would be walking away from the sickening pain, but it was only the beginning. River came to his bunk and they hugged each other, tight, until Simon didn't know anymore who was comforting whom. And then Kaylee'd arrived, cheerful Kaylee broken down by the emptiness, too. Simon could barely grasp how the loss of a couple of people could make the whole ship feel so cold, so bare, but he couldn't ignore it. He'd hugged Kaylee then, River slipping away silently to lie against Serenity's metal as if she was forever trying to reconnect with the ship ; he'd hugged Kaylee and held her through the night, through the sobs and the nightmares. In the end, Kaylee had made it even worse, because she'd made it impossible to push the pain away. Standing at the funeral by her side. Feeling her fingers tighten around his as Zoe lit the small rocket by Wash's grave. Knowing tears were running down her face. Holding her close afterwards, in the dim light of her bunk, as she cried her heart out. Everything lingered vividly in his mind, months after they'd buried their dead.
He suffered through it all, with the rest of the crew.
With them.
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
It wasn't just Wash's death which had suddenly brought him closer to Kaylee to start with, however. Somewhere in the process of thinking they were all going to die in that fight with the Reavers, he'd found himself finally owning up to his feelings for her. There was something really ironic about being able to find the right words at that moment - out of all times, he would have expected himself to be at a loss for words then.
I spent so much time on Serenity ignoring anything I wanted for myself. My only regret is never having been with you.
The mourning process brought them closer than they'd ever been, even though they never spent too much time together, nor showed their feelings for each other in the presence of anyone, for fear of hurting. Simon knew how little things could be harrowing when you'd lost them yourself and, perhaps better than anyone else, he knew Zoe's apparent serenity didn't mean a thing about how she felt inside. Simon treasured the few moments they could get together, the warmth of the embrace and the kisses, because it made up for the coldness of the ship, and he liked he could bring that to Kaylee.
First day after the funeral. Everybody had buried themselves under work, which wasn't too difficult a feat considering how much damage the ship had undergone, and he'd not seen Kaylee all day, except when she'd come into the infirmary, because since everybody else got to come around and get checked on by Simon, then she had a right to it too. And no, it didn't matter she didn't have any injuries he could attend to. It felt good when smiles found their way back on their faces.
That night he went looking for her when he was done examining Mal, and he was surprised not to find her, either in the engine room or in her bunk. He walked back to his quarters, confused about where she could be, and started when he found himself facing Kaylee in the passageway.
"I was looking -"
"I was searchin' -"
They chuckled, a chance they hadn't had much lately on the ship, and already Simon felt a little warmer. Kaylee smiled at him and took his hand, intertwining their fingers. He noticed her face was clean of grease that night.
"How are the repairs getting along ?"
She let out a small sigh. "I never seen Serenity so bad. River's good help, though - she was in there fixin' things all day. It'll probably be days till we start flyin' again." She frowned, worry tainting her eyes. Simon embraced her, stroking her hair, and she brought him closer still, her face resting on his chest. "I ain't gonna be able to repair everythin'. And we don't have a screw-compressor."
Simon couldn't help a small smile. "That does sound like something we want to have."
Kaylee looked up and brightened up upon seeing Simon's smile. "I like it when you don't have a clue what I'm sayin'."
He was grinning now. "Well, I could start telling you about the medpacks I'm running out of, but I wouldn't want to look too smart."
"I like you smart and fancy," Kaylee noticed, slightly disengaging herself from the embrace so that she could gaze straight into his eyes. "Where's River tonight?"
Simon couldn't look away, mesmerized by the attention Kaylee was giving him. "In Inara's shuttle, I expect. She was talking of spending the night there to spot unicorns," he explained very seriously.
Kaylee stepped forward, amused. "It's shiny to see her almost makin' sense."
"It is. Shiny." The word glided a little awkwardly out of Simon's mouth, but in Kaylee's world it must have qualified as cute, as she took this as a hint to kiss him.
He had seen it coming, and it wasn't the first kiss they shared, but it still tasted new and exciting. Simon drowned himself in those kisses, allowing himself to forget what surrounded him - allowing himself to forget River - for a few moments. He returned the kiss, and she got more passionate. She always took the lead at first. Of course.
"Kaylee? Mal's askin' for you, the gas turbo-charger's -"
Jayne stopped in mid-sentence as he walked into the passageway, and emitted something between a grunt and an inappropriate "jingcai". Simon and Kaylee stepped back from the embrace and Kaylee glared at him a bit.
"Bizui. I'll be right there," she assured him.
Jayne didn't move, his eyes still a little glazed over the unfastened buttons at the top of her blouse.
"Anytime you want to go away is fine," Simon remarked.
Jayne's eyes settled on him, a murderous look that reminded Simon that Jayne could still crunch his bones anytime. "Hey, if a fella can't enjoy the view anymore..." With a provocative smirk, he shrugged and walked away.
Kaylee shook her head before turning back to Simon and pecking him on the corner of his lips. "Serenity needs me, but I ain't going anywhere. You better not leave your bunk."
Simon nodded with a smile. "Not leaving my bunk."
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
Stares between father and son. Simon stood looking at his father, trying to reach out for him, hoping that maybe he'd been too harsh on his parents since he'd looked into River's letters and deciphered the code she'd set up.
"Believe me, Simon... if I thought even for a moment..."
Simon squared his jaw, taking the blow silently. He knew before his father spoke the next words that there would be no going back - for months now, he had been bleeding faith, and he could almost hear the last drop of it splash on the floor as his father spoke.
"If you do this thing, they will find you, and they will put you away. And know this: when they do, I will not come for you. It you leave here, if you do this... I will not come for you."
Last look between father and son before son turns and walks away. No coming back.
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
Simon woke up first, and his first thought was that he was going to feel extremely sore that day, though he wasn't sure if it was more from the sex or from the uncomfortable bed. Of course he'd deny that if asked, and would say his first thought had been that he was ever so lucky to wake up with a naked Kaylee in his arms. Which was his second thought.
He started stroking Kaylee's hair gently, and soon the young mechanic stirred. She'd barely opened her eyes that a smile was lighting her face. "Morning, jiao," she said sleepily.
"Morning," he returned, then found himself unsure of what to say next. It had been a long while since he'd woken up with anyone by his side, and even then the circumstances had been too different to help. In doubt, he kissed her, as he found this worked usually fairly well when he was at a loss for what to do or say.
She welcomed the kiss and then snuggled closer to him when their lips separated. "We shoulda done this sooner," she sighed contentedly.
"I recall us doing this quite a few times in the past weeks," Simon noticed with a smile.
"Not the sex, chi. This, spending the night together."
Simon stayed silent for a second, basking in the scene. "Yes, it's nice," he finally let out. "It's - intimate." Kaylee had pushed him to put words on his feelings so many times since they'd first kissed that he was almost getting the hang of it.
Kaylee beamed and kissed his torso. "Not so intimate as what you did to me last night, but I know whatcha mean." After a pause, she looked up at him. "By the way, feel free to do that again anytime."
Her smile broadened as she felt him get a little uncomfortable, as he still did whenever she talked about what they did in bed.
"I'll keep that in mind," he nodded as he managed a small smirk.
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
"Sir?"
Simon turned away from the window to look at the first mate who'd just walked in the empty common room. "Ai?"
"Would you like anything? An infusion maybe? I'm about to make some for myself."
"Xie xie, but I'm fine." A thankful smile made its way to Simon's lips, one of those smiles you don't have to really mean. Then he turned back to the window.
"Are you all right, sir? If there's anything the crew -"
"I'm fine," Simon repeated softly, still gazing at the dark night of space, the dot of Osiris shrinking as seconds passed. Smaller, smaller, smaller. Soon it would be an undistinguishable spot of light lost among other stars, nothing but a memory.
The first mate - he must have been around Simon's age - lingered a little longer in the room, but finally turned away and left Simon alone. Left him with the darkness of space, the emptiness of the room, and that tiny spot, shrinking away.
The only time Simon looked away from the window, from his patients, from his friends, from his home, from his life, his gaze wandered over the screen of the unit where the Cortex's logo was slowly rotating, and his heart tightened at the familiar sight.
He turned back to the never-ending night of space, the tiny dot he still felt was home, and all he could think of were Yuan's last words after he'd hugged him. "Enjoy your vacation, huo ji. You earned it." The smile on his face, and the excruciating sting of seeing him smile.
Then Osiris disappeared, lost among dozens of other stars. Simon thought of River, thought of everything that he'd learned about the Academy and his own family in the past few months. He thought of River and how she used to laugh and be serious the next second and how terrified he was that they'd torn it out of her. He thought of River, who had called out to him, and all the time that it'd taken him to understand, to get an escape plan together. He thought of River and everything he'd left behind him in the house, so that nobody, not even his best friend, would ever think that he was going anywhere but on vacation.
He thought of River, and everything else was forgotten.
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
They'd just taken off from Persephone, the first time in months they'd managed to dock for a few days and really stock up on food and goods, and Simon found himself knocking on the door to Inara's shuttle. He walked into the shuttle and found her arranging candles around the room.
"You've really made this place yours again," Simon noticed as he looked around.
"This is just how I feel comfortable, though Serenity has a tendency to make people feel at home no matter the setting," Inara smiled as she sat on the couch and invited Simon to do the same with a gesture.
"Yes, I know what you mean." He paused. "I wish I could say I've been happier on this ship than anywhere else, but I can't. Yet this feels - more home than anywhere else I've been. I mean - it feels this way lately."
"I daresay River's recovery and Kaylee have a lot to do with that." They exchanged a smile. "I also feel like you and Mal have been a lot less - confrontational lately."
"That's an understatement," Simon admitted with a good-humored smile. "I really should have started sleeping with Kaylee a while ago."
Inara's eyebrow shot up a little at the unexpected touch of humor from him, amused. "I could have told you that moons ago."
"I think Jayne could have told me that." The smile slowly faded from his lips as he got up and moved to the windowpane of the shuttle, looking outside at outer space as they were flying away from the planet.
She went to stand by his side and let her gaze wander off. "There's something striking about you. You're such an articulate young man, and yet you say so much more in your distance and your silences."
They watched together as the planet shrank away in the obscurity of space, wrapped in the quiet of the moment.
"It always reminds me of when I left Osiris," Simon whispered, and he didn't know if saying the words would finally set him free.
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
"Simon?"
"Yes, Dad?" Simon is busy making a calculation on the side of a drawing his mother gave him earlier, and he doesn't look up.
"You're a serious boy, aren't you?"
A grin appears on the young boy's face and he finally looks at his dad. "Yes."
A proud smile lights up Mr. Tam's face and he grabs his son, seating him on his knees. "You are. I'm very pleased with you." His smile widens as Simon is clearly delighted to hear him say so. "And I'm sure you're going to be a wonderful brother to your mei-mei."
The pride on the boy's face turns into pure joy and excitement. "Dad!! I'm a brother!"
Mr. Tam laughs as he hugs his son. "You are. Do you want to go see her?"
Simon gives his father a reproving look. "Dad. Don't be stupid." He breaks into a grin again. "Of course I wanna see her!" He jumps to the floor and reaches out for his father's hand. "Dad, can I teach her about multiplications and divisions?"
Gabriel laughs again as he walks his son to the right hospital room. "You can, but give her some time to learn how to speak first. And she might not be as gifted as you are, baobei."
Simon smiles simply - there's nothing but faith in his words. "Of course she'll be."
Author: Joey
Rating: T (PG-13)
Pairing : Cannon, though especially Kaylee/Simon
Characters: Simon and the whole of the crew
Genre: General, Character study
Warning : A wee bit of slash? Just hints of it, and very much not graphic.
Timeline/Spoilers: The main storyline starts after Objects in Space, goes all the way to the movie and follows up on it a little bit. (Spoilers for the comics, too.)
Summary: Ever thought Simon had changed quite a bit between the series and the movie ? The fic looks at Simon's character and his evolution in the lapse of time separating the series and the movie, intertwined with memories from his MedAcad days.
Disclaimer: Joss is God. I'm just a minion.
Thanks: To my beta-readers, meaning fan_elune, larian and celebros, and to fireflybeta for helping me find them! You guys rock, and you were really helpful. :)
Part 1 : here.
Forgive me for my distance
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
Part 2 :
Fears and confessions
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
Even as Simon knocked on Jae-Ik's door, he was stuck thinking about River's letters. He'd received a new one that afternoon, one that made even less sense than usual, and he was growing more and more certain that something was off. He couldn't pinpoint what just yet, and that unnerved him. Just another week, he kept telling himself, and he'd have graduated and would be home. Then he could talk to his parents about it.
But even that thought didn't make the bad gut feeling go away.
"Hey Simon." He was almost surprised at hearing his name. Jae-Ik stepped forward to drop a peck on his lips, before gesturing him to come into the room. "Baobei? You look like you're somewhere else."
Simon shook his head with a smile, forcing himself to stop thinking about the letters. They both settled on Jae-Ik's sofa and started talking the final project they had to start working on. Simon was about to pitch in an idea for the first experiment when Jae-Ik spoke up. "Oh by the way, did you hear about the doctor who was attacked last night?" Simon shook his head. "He's a MedAcad alumnae. He was just walking back home, not very far from a Blackout Zone, and suddenly this guy launched at him. He had a gun and all."
Simon frowned. "Nobody should be that close to a Blackout Zone."
"But he wasn't that close, that's the thing. The attacker managed to smuggle a gun out." Jae-Ik shuddered. "Y'know, sometimes I kinda get the Representatives who say we should be allowed to carry guns around. Anyone from the Border planets can land here, and those guys are just - uncivilized sometimes, right? You never know what they can do to you."
"The police take their guns away when they land," Simon noticed.
"I'm sure they can't get them all. Sometimes the borderers are real sneaky, especially the Independents."
"I'm sure some of them are still aggravated that we won the war, but -"
Jae-Ik smiled and kissed him. "Simon, you're too cute sometimes. You don't realize what those guys are like - see the story from last night? Any of them would love to have a go at us, seriously."
"I trust the police," Simon replied, maybe a little too forcefully. "They're everywhere, and they'll protect us - the guy last night didn't get hurt, right? The police were there. We don't need to be just as savage as some inhabitants of the border planets." The other boy looked doubtful. "We're better than that, Jae. The police are looking out for us."
And he believed it with untainted faith.
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
"River, what did you - why did you do this?"
As soon as he found River bleeding in the middle of his anesthetic bottles, Simon's doctor instincts had taken over and prevented him from agonizing over the image of his sister covered with blood. But despite the professionalism he showed as he cleaned River's arms and took her to Inara's shuttle, he was worried sick. This was more serious than anything they'd gone through before.
They're here. Terror was overwhelming in her eyes as she spoke the words, but it wasn't just that - it was defeat gleaming in that look, too. And he knew this all too well. Back on Ariel, she'd had the same reaction. The same phrase. Doesn't matter. They're here. And whoever they were, Simon was positive he didn't want them within a mile of his sister.
He didn't even have time to go back to the infirmary and run some tests. He had just brought River to Inara when -
"Belly! Not yours. Hers. Hers..." River exclaimed as she fell to the floor. Simon knew better now than to ignore those remarks by now.
Her belly. Serenity's. She had to be talking about the ship's interior. It made sense, of course. They were here. Inside the ship. Doing his best to keep thinking rationally rather than just run out and search the ship like a madman, he turned to Inara.
"I think this might be very serious. Keep her here, and don't leave the shuttle. I'll go see if I can find anything with Kaylee. She'll know if any damage has been done to the ship." He paused. "Don't hesitate to fly away to safety if need be."
Inara nodded gravely and hugged River. Simon gave the two women one last look before he ran away resolutely to the engine room, his heart beating faster than he wished it would. He found Kaylee there right away, and before long they were both in the cargo bay.
"Don't think we'll find nothin' on Serenity's tum to get greasy over. I ran a full diagnostic last time we docked for more'n a day."
"I don't even remember when that was," Simon remarked as he looked around. Everything looked as usual, and it was incredibly frustrating in its own way.
"Me neither, now that you -"
And suddenly a man had sprung up and grabbed Kaylee by the throat. They were both taken by surprise, but thank Buddha and his fat children, Simon didn't have the foolish reflex of jumping at the man right away. He ran to grab a barbell from Jayne's workout equipment while the man was focused on Kaylee, and a second later he slammed the barbell straight in the attacker's skull, with as much strength as he could muster, knocking him out in the process. His eyes never wandered to the trickle of blood coming out of the man's mouth as he helped Kaylee up. Even the blue latex shirt the man was wearing wasn't enough to divert Simon's attention. He pushed him out of Serenity without a second thought.
"Kaylee, close the doors."
Remarkable calm had taken over him as he turned on the speaker to keep Wash updated on the situation and to get Shepherd Book to join them in the cargo bay. Kaylee was doing her best to keep the blue men out, and he watched over her, the barbell still in his hands, ready to strike again if need be. The Shepherd was soon at his side, but Simon barely noticed.
"Keep at it, Kaylee. They come through, you get yourself to Inara's shuttle." As the words came out of his mouth, clear and self-confident, he suddenly had the strange impression of watching himself as he impersonated someone he was not. Someone closer to Mal than to anyone Simon had ever been. But he couldn't afford to think about any of this and the feeling was short-lived. "She'll know what that means. Shepherd - "
"Please don't call me that," Book asked somberly. "It makes this harder..."
And Simon knew exactly what he meant.
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
That night, after he had made sure River had fallen asleep quietly, Simon found himself sitting in the cargo bay alone. He would have liked to be able to retreat somewhere quiet, maybe a lonely field with a few horses, but Serenity's cargo bay would do for now. It wasn't exactly quiet, but at least it was lonely.
"Hello darkness my old friend, I've come to talk to you again," River whispered.
Simon was barely surprised to turn around and find his sister there. Siblings. Sometimes you couldn't tell whether you were happy or annoyed they always thwarted your plans. "I thought you were asleep, mei-mei."
River sat down next to her brother. "Thoughts. Clouding my mind." She looked at him. "You think loud."
He smiled weakly. "I'll try to be quieter next time."
"Too quiet they always said. Pinocchio boy," River nodded. Simon's eyes were vacantly staring the opposite wall again. "It doesn't make you a man, you know. Dad would be very irate."
"There is an appalling lot that Dad would be irate about," Simon said absently.
"Hurting others doesn't make a man," River kept going. "You were one before that."
"I suppose I've matched the definition for a while, yes."
"Not about the definition." River shook her head disapprovingly. "You're smarter than that. It's more than words." She paused. "It was brave of you."
"I guess it was."
"You should get the engine running now. Limbs don't make a body."
For a moment, they sat by each other in silence. Then River turned her head to Simon and looked at her brother very seriously, a slight wrinkle settling between her eyebrows.
"I get confused, but I know things. Family... it's just a word. You make it real, Simon."
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
"I can't." Simon's reply was faced by silence. Which, all considered, was not that strange since he'd been talking to a wall for the past three minutes. "I can't, if I get caught - "
The voice spoke again, more hurriedly this time. "Look, I'm risking a lot being here. We want to find out what the government is up to, but we can't fight your fight. I give you a name, I give you the meeting point. It's up to you."
"But going into a blackout zone is suicide."
"Clearly you've never been."
Simon paused. "And you're sure he'll have more information."
"If you bring enough money, it'll go smoothly."
Simon bit his lower lip, ran a nervous hand through his hair. "Which of the two blackout zones is that place in?"
"B. Easy to find, you'll see." The last word was whispered, and Simon heard some ruffling, but he couldn't have told what it was exactly. "Have to leave," was the last thing he heard from the voice.
Whoever he'd been talking with was so quiet that Simon wasn't sure when exactly she went away, but he knew for sure that he really was talking to nothing but a wall now. "I'll be there." The words echoed in his head like an oath he couldn't break now.
He buttoned up his coat, feeling chilly all of a sudden, and made his way back to the main avenue, back home. He'd almost reached their house when he came across an officer who greeted him, a smile and a friendly nod, and his stomach clutched as he smiled back and realized that he was choosing a side.
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
There hadn't been anybody to blame the Blue Gloves attack on - they'd all been ambushed. But here they were, barely a week later, another job gone wrong, and this time there was someone to blame - a good thing, because Simon had honestly had it up to here. The job had sounded simple enough when Mal had talked about it - just some almost-honest smuggling and transportation between Beylix and Athens. But, as was too often the case in Simon's opinion, it had turned out Mal had been set up to be screwed over once more.
Three guys with guns had showed up on Serenity to take them hostage - River, Kaylee, Wash and him. They'd managed to fight them off, somehow, but one of them had been taken down only feet from River's room, and Simon couldn't bear the thought. Not to mention one of them had been awfully close to shooting Kaylee, and this really didn't sit right with Simon, either.
He stormed into the hallway leading up to the bridge and found himself facing Mal right away.
"What was this about? Why were you not more careful about who you were doing business with? We get ambushed eight times out of ten! You'd think that by now you'd be careful about it not happening again! "
Mal looked calmly at Simon, but anger gleamed in his eyes. "I think you wanna be calmin' down, Doctor."
"Don't tell me what I want!" Simon exclaimed. "River's been doing so much better lately. And now you expose her to danger like this!"
"I have a whole crew to worry about, and starvin' ain't their idea of a fun time. I'm sorry we can't accommodate your feng de sister any better."
Simon clenched his jaws. "You're doing a fine job of worrying about your crew, Captain. It's not like Kaylee almost got shot again."
He didn't have time to see the punch coming, but this time, while he did sprawl to the floor, he didn't just lie there. He got back on his feet and only a very dim survival instinct stopped him from retaliating. The two men glared at each other for another few seconds, before Mal turned away.
"If you ain't out of the crew quarters in the next five seconds, Doctor, I'll see to it personally."
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
After this episode, Simon came to feel more estranged from the crew than ever. With Inara and Book off the ship, two of the people he'd felt closest to were gone. Kaylee was still here, of course, but something made him withdraw from her. Their regular conversations turned into words exchanged in the passageways. As pretexts he used both River and research he needed to do, and it worked. He still wasn't sure why he was doing this, but he managed to bury himself in other preoccupations often enough to avoid thinking about it. They'd been dancing around each other like this for too long - close one second, distant the next. He'd reached the point where he thought this was bound to be, somewhat like Mal walking into snares.
In any case, River was certainly enough for him to keep busy. She'd made tremendous progress after the incident with the Blue Gloves, like she had been released of some sort of weight. She made sense more often, as long as he didn't bring up the Academy. Her behavior seemed more stable, albeit still incomprehensible - Simon was still not sure why she liked spending hours on end walking barefooted around Serenity or lying on the ship's grates, but it had become part of a routine, and he had stopped worrying about it.
And then - it had all gotten worse. It had started when the Captain had taken River with him on that mission. Simon had been pretty aggravated about that, and it had led to another confrontation with the Captain, but that was becoming routine enough too. To be honest, the job had actually worked out pretty well, for River anyway. Not so much on other fronts, rather predictably.
No, it had really started after the job, in that bar. Suddenly River had turned into this mind-boggling, ass-kicking girl - or was that weapon? - and for the first time since he'd taken her away from the Alliance, he'd had to use the phrase he had been taught to make her sleep. Everything that had ensued - Miranda, the Operative sent by the Alliance and the Reavers - everything had happened too fast for any of the crew to really be able to sit down and think through any of it. Thinking was certainly one thing Simon hadn't found time for.
Suddenly and before they knew it, it had been terribly worse. Book had been murdered, then Wash had been killed, and they'd found themselves trapped with Reavers. They had all been pretty damn close to dying when River had saved them. Somehow. That picture of River on top of the dead Reavers had stuck in Simon's mind, a dreadful divine sight he couldn't shake off. But it was after, after he'd walked River and lay her down in her bed, after the battle was over, that the hardest had come.
He'd walked into the cockpit behind Jayne and Mal, ignoring the lancing pain in his thigh, because the body needed to be removed. He'd walked in, walked those few feet until he saw the body, the spear still coming out of the stomach, the spear which Mal and Jayne had already taken care of cutting. For the first time in his life in front of a corpse, Simon felt his stomach do a double-take and before he could do anything about it, he threw up by the passenger seat, his knuckles white from holding on to the back of the seat. As he straightened up, his whole body begging him to walk away, Mal laid his hand on his shoulder and Simon looked at him, understanding at last. Simon nodded, though he wasn't sure why, and his eyes settled on the corpse again. He felt void of everything as his eyes looked at the wound, his brain unwillingly analyzing it, and he felt even emptier as his eyes looked at the familiar face.
"You don't have to be here," Mal said, and Simon wondered if Mal's voice was really shaky, or if he was just making it up. Standing near the body, Jayne hadn't moved, and he didn't say anything as he looked at the doctor. Even his eyes were clear of any disdain.
"I do, actually," Simon replied, doing his best to sound assured. He spit on the side, trying to get rid of the acrid taste filling his mouth, and rolled up his sleeves, the knot in his throat grew tighter as he approached Wash's body. "Let's do it."
He had liked Wash. One foot closer. He hadn't had many opportunities to get to know him, to talk to him. But like everybody else on the ship, he had liked Wash. He touched the corpse. Liked the way he joked no matter the circumstances ; liked the way he pretended he hadn't seen or heard anything whenever he would witness Simon make an ass of himself with Kaylee again ; liked that he'd always tried to make Simon feel better about Jayne hating him. Most of all he'd liked Wash's happiness. His fingered lingered on the cold arm as Mal and Jayne stepped closer. He'd admired the way Wash stayed on the ship because he loved Zoe, and how he made the most out of the situation. He admired that Wash had given up a simpler life willingly, and never seemed to regret it, was even happy about it, because at night Simon couldn't push Osiris away from his dreams and nightmares.
All of it swirled in his mind as they set to dislodging the spear from the pilot's stomach. As he heaved and sweated alongside Mal and Jayne, as he loosely mended the inside organs so they wouldn't spill out, as he stitched the skin of the stomach as well as he could, as he put a new shirt on Wash's shoulders and buttoned it, all of it so that you couldn't see the hole anymore, even though he knew, everybody knew, that the hole was still there, an emptiness that grabs your throat and sucks everything out of you.
He walked away from the cockpit that night, feeling hollow, and as Mal nodded to thank him for the help, as they shared one last look before they went their separate ways, Simon glimpsed at the captain's own emptiness, at the darkness inside, and for the length of that glimpse, he felt closer to Mal than he ever had before.
He'd hoped that walking away from the body enveloped in a shroud would be walking away from the sickening pain, but it was only the beginning. River came to his bunk and they hugged each other, tight, until Simon didn't know anymore who was comforting whom. And then Kaylee'd arrived, cheerful Kaylee broken down by the emptiness, too. Simon could barely grasp how the loss of a couple of people could make the whole ship feel so cold, so bare, but he couldn't ignore it. He'd hugged Kaylee then, River slipping away silently to lie against Serenity's metal as if she was forever trying to reconnect with the ship ; he'd hugged Kaylee and held her through the night, through the sobs and the nightmares. In the end, Kaylee had made it even worse, because she'd made it impossible to push the pain away. Standing at the funeral by her side. Feeling her fingers tighten around his as Zoe lit the small rocket by Wash's grave. Knowing tears were running down her face. Holding her close afterwards, in the dim light of her bunk, as she cried her heart out. Everything lingered vividly in his mind, months after they'd buried their dead.
He suffered through it all, with the rest of the crew.
With them.
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
It wasn't just Wash's death which had suddenly brought him closer to Kaylee to start with, however. Somewhere in the process of thinking they were all going to die in that fight with the Reavers, he'd found himself finally owning up to his feelings for her. There was something really ironic about being able to find the right words at that moment - out of all times, he would have expected himself to be at a loss for words then.
I spent so much time on Serenity ignoring anything I wanted for myself. My only regret is never having been with you.
The mourning process brought them closer than they'd ever been, even though they never spent too much time together, nor showed their feelings for each other in the presence of anyone, for fear of hurting. Simon knew how little things could be harrowing when you'd lost them yourself and, perhaps better than anyone else, he knew Zoe's apparent serenity didn't mean a thing about how she felt inside. Simon treasured the few moments they could get together, the warmth of the embrace and the kisses, because it made up for the coldness of the ship, and he liked he could bring that to Kaylee.
First day after the funeral. Everybody had buried themselves under work, which wasn't too difficult a feat considering how much damage the ship had undergone, and he'd not seen Kaylee all day, except when she'd come into the infirmary, because since everybody else got to come around and get checked on by Simon, then she had a right to it too. And no, it didn't matter she didn't have any injuries he could attend to. It felt good when smiles found their way back on their faces.
That night he went looking for her when he was done examining Mal, and he was surprised not to find her, either in the engine room or in her bunk. He walked back to his quarters, confused about where she could be, and started when he found himself facing Kaylee in the passageway.
"I was looking -"
"I was searchin' -"
They chuckled, a chance they hadn't had much lately on the ship, and already Simon felt a little warmer. Kaylee smiled at him and took his hand, intertwining their fingers. He noticed her face was clean of grease that night.
"How are the repairs getting along ?"
She let out a small sigh. "I never seen Serenity so bad. River's good help, though - she was in there fixin' things all day. It'll probably be days till we start flyin' again." She frowned, worry tainting her eyes. Simon embraced her, stroking her hair, and she brought him closer still, her face resting on his chest. "I ain't gonna be able to repair everythin'. And we don't have a screw-compressor."
Simon couldn't help a small smile. "That does sound like something we want to have."
Kaylee looked up and brightened up upon seeing Simon's smile. "I like it when you don't have a clue what I'm sayin'."
He was grinning now. "Well, I could start telling you about the medpacks I'm running out of, but I wouldn't want to look too smart."
"I like you smart and fancy," Kaylee noticed, slightly disengaging herself from the embrace so that she could gaze straight into his eyes. "Where's River tonight?"
Simon couldn't look away, mesmerized by the attention Kaylee was giving him. "In Inara's shuttle, I expect. She was talking of spending the night there to spot unicorns," he explained very seriously.
Kaylee stepped forward, amused. "It's shiny to see her almost makin' sense."
"It is. Shiny." The word glided a little awkwardly out of Simon's mouth, but in Kaylee's world it must have qualified as cute, as she took this as a hint to kiss him.
He had seen it coming, and it wasn't the first kiss they shared, but it still tasted new and exciting. Simon drowned himself in those kisses, allowing himself to forget what surrounded him - allowing himself to forget River - for a few moments. He returned the kiss, and she got more passionate. She always took the lead at first. Of course.
"Kaylee? Mal's askin' for you, the gas turbo-charger's -"
Jayne stopped in mid-sentence as he walked into the passageway, and emitted something between a grunt and an inappropriate "jingcai". Simon and Kaylee stepped back from the embrace and Kaylee glared at him a bit.
"Bizui. I'll be right there," she assured him.
Jayne didn't move, his eyes still a little glazed over the unfastened buttons at the top of her blouse.
"Anytime you want to go away is fine," Simon remarked.
Jayne's eyes settled on him, a murderous look that reminded Simon that Jayne could still crunch his bones anytime. "Hey, if a fella can't enjoy the view anymore..." With a provocative smirk, he shrugged and walked away.
Kaylee shook her head before turning back to Simon and pecking him on the corner of his lips. "Serenity needs me, but I ain't going anywhere. You better not leave your bunk."
Simon nodded with a smile. "Not leaving my bunk."
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
Stares between father and son. Simon stood looking at his father, trying to reach out for him, hoping that maybe he'd been too harsh on his parents since he'd looked into River's letters and deciphered the code she'd set up.
"Believe me, Simon... if I thought even for a moment..."
Simon squared his jaw, taking the blow silently. He knew before his father spoke the next words that there would be no going back - for months now, he had been bleeding faith, and he could almost hear the last drop of it splash on the floor as his father spoke.
"If you do this thing, they will find you, and they will put you away. And know this: when they do, I will not come for you. It you leave here, if you do this... I will not come for you."
Last look between father and son before son turns and walks away. No coming back.
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
Simon woke up first, and his first thought was that he was going to feel extremely sore that day, though he wasn't sure if it was more from the sex or from the uncomfortable bed. Of course he'd deny that if asked, and would say his first thought had been that he was ever so lucky to wake up with a naked Kaylee in his arms. Which was his second thought.
He started stroking Kaylee's hair gently, and soon the young mechanic stirred. She'd barely opened her eyes that a smile was lighting her face. "Morning, jiao," she said sleepily.
"Morning," he returned, then found himself unsure of what to say next. It had been a long while since he'd woken up with anyone by his side, and even then the circumstances had been too different to help. In doubt, he kissed her, as he found this worked usually fairly well when he was at a loss for what to do or say.
She welcomed the kiss and then snuggled closer to him when their lips separated. "We shoulda done this sooner," she sighed contentedly.
"I recall us doing this quite a few times in the past weeks," Simon noticed with a smile.
"Not the sex, chi. This, spending the night together."
Simon stayed silent for a second, basking in the scene. "Yes, it's nice," he finally let out. "It's - intimate." Kaylee had pushed him to put words on his feelings so many times since they'd first kissed that he was almost getting the hang of it.
Kaylee beamed and kissed his torso. "Not so intimate as what you did to me last night, but I know whatcha mean." After a pause, she looked up at him. "By the way, feel free to do that again anytime."
Her smile broadened as she felt him get a little uncomfortable, as he still did whenever she talked about what they did in bed.
"I'll keep that in mind," he nodded as he managed a small smirk.
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
"Sir?"
Simon turned away from the window to look at the first mate who'd just walked in the empty common room. "Ai?"
"Would you like anything? An infusion maybe? I'm about to make some for myself."
"Xie xie, but I'm fine." A thankful smile made its way to Simon's lips, one of those smiles you don't have to really mean. Then he turned back to the window.
"Are you all right, sir? If there's anything the crew -"
"I'm fine," Simon repeated softly, still gazing at the dark night of space, the dot of Osiris shrinking as seconds passed. Smaller, smaller, smaller. Soon it would be an undistinguishable spot of light lost among other stars, nothing but a memory.
The first mate - he must have been around Simon's age - lingered a little longer in the room, but finally turned away and left Simon alone. Left him with the darkness of space, the emptiness of the room, and that tiny spot, shrinking away.
The only time Simon looked away from the window, from his patients, from his friends, from his home, from his life, his gaze wandered over the screen of the unit where the Cortex's logo was slowly rotating, and his heart tightened at the familiar sight.
He turned back to the never-ending night of space, the tiny dot he still felt was home, and all he could think of were Yuan's last words after he'd hugged him. "Enjoy your vacation, huo ji. You earned it." The smile on his face, and the excruciating sting of seeing him smile.
Then Osiris disappeared, lost among dozens of other stars. Simon thought of River, thought of everything that he'd learned about the Academy and his own family in the past few months. He thought of River and how she used to laugh and be serious the next second and how terrified he was that they'd torn it out of her. He thought of River, who had called out to him, and all the time that it'd taken him to understand, to get an escape plan together. He thought of River and everything he'd left behind him in the house, so that nobody, not even his best friend, would ever think that he was going anywhere but on vacation.
He thought of River, and everything else was forgotten.
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
They'd just taken off from Persephone, the first time in months they'd managed to dock for a few days and really stock up on food and goods, and Simon found himself knocking on the door to Inara's shuttle. He walked into the shuttle and found her arranging candles around the room.
"You've really made this place yours again," Simon noticed as he looked around.
"This is just how I feel comfortable, though Serenity has a tendency to make people feel at home no matter the setting," Inara smiled as she sat on the couch and invited Simon to do the same with a gesture.
"Yes, I know what you mean." He paused. "I wish I could say I've been happier on this ship than anywhere else, but I can't. Yet this feels - more home than anywhere else I've been. I mean - it feels this way lately."
"I daresay River's recovery and Kaylee have a lot to do with that." They exchanged a smile. "I also feel like you and Mal have been a lot less - confrontational lately."
"That's an understatement," Simon admitted with a good-humored smile. "I really should have started sleeping with Kaylee a while ago."
Inara's eyebrow shot up a little at the unexpected touch of humor from him, amused. "I could have told you that moons ago."
"I think Jayne could have told me that." The smile slowly faded from his lips as he got up and moved to the windowpane of the shuttle, looking outside at outer space as they were flying away from the planet.
She went to stand by his side and let her gaze wander off. "There's something striking about you. You're such an articulate young man, and yet you say so much more in your distance and your silences."
They watched together as the planet shrank away in the obscurity of space, wrapped in the quiet of the moment.
"It always reminds me of when I left Osiris," Simon whispered, and he didn't know if saying the words would finally set him free.
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
"Simon?"
"Yes, Dad?" Simon is busy making a calculation on the side of a drawing his mother gave him earlier, and he doesn't look up.
"You're a serious boy, aren't you?"
A grin appears on the young boy's face and he finally looks at his dad. "Yes."
A proud smile lights up Mr. Tam's face and he grabs his son, seating him on his knees. "You are. I'm very pleased with you." His smile widens as Simon is clearly delighted to hear him say so. "And I'm sure you're going to be a wonderful brother to your mei-mei."
The pride on the boy's face turns into pure joy and excitement. "Dad!! I'm a brother!"
Mr. Tam laughs as he hugs his son. "You are. Do you want to go see her?"
Simon gives his father a reproving look. "Dad. Don't be stupid." He breaks into a grin again. "Of course I wanna see her!" He jumps to the floor and reaches out for his father's hand. "Dad, can I teach her about multiplications and divisions?"
Gabriel laughs again as he walks his son to the right hospital room. "You can, but give her some time to learn how to speak first. And she might not be as gifted as you are, baobei."
Simon smiles simply - there's nothing but faith in his words. "Of course she'll be."