Back to Life...
I know it has been a while, and I know my last post was not a bright one. I don't know if this one will be much better.
THANK YOUS to Xeni, Melissa, Rach, and Muffin for your comments. They mean a lot to me and helped me through probably the hardest time in my life. And thank you, Jon, for being as supportive as you have been. My mom was right...you have been through a lot with this family.
The viewing/memorial service was unbelievable. Over 150 people showed up in the 4 hours that it was open. For the service, they had to open up two adjacent rooms for the overflow. People flew in from all over the country...hell two guys even flew in from England. One of those was an Executive VP who eulogized my brother and basically gave him credit for making Games Workshop what it is in the U.S. today. I also eulogized him. I'll post it later in a cut.
We now know what happened. For some reason, my brother's coronary vessels began to leak into the pericardium (sac that encases the heart-the condition is called cardiac tamponade). In surgery they tried to stop the bleeding, but couldn't, so they put him on a ventilator and a transplant list, and he only lasted a few hours. It's really strange. It could be something hereditary, because his birth father died at a young age...but we don't know.
My sister-in-law apparently sold my brother's stuff on eBay. Yeah.
It has been really really hard for me. There are some days that are certainly better than others, but it seems as if there have been a lot of down days lately. Yesterday in a meeting at work they were talking about how now it is a common practice to bring the family in on a person who is in cardiac arrest. I almost started crying right there in the meeting. I only took a week off work, but it's not like I can afford to take any time off. Thank God I haven't had to work a code yet. I've been trying to avoid it.
Every day I just try to make sure I breathe. Lately I have been holding in tears and trying to be strong....like today when I was walking to my car on my way to work. I almost started crying on the sidewalk. Taking each day as it comes is so much harder than I thought. Life has become so much harder. There are certain things that make me cry. I can't predict what will make me cry unless I've already experienced it. Hell I used to be so strong. Nothing really upset me. Now, hearing that we have a code coming in makes my eyes water. It used to make my adrenalin start pumping and give me a head rush. I dread the next time I have to do CPR. I might just break down.
I feel like I don't know anything right now. I want to take my time with things, yet still enjoy life and hope for the future. I don't plan on graduating any time soon. I need to get my GPA up enough for grad school. So here come the statistics courses. I actually ended up having to drop one of my classes this semester (PSYC 332) because I was so far behind. I didn't want to sacrifice my other grades to try to make up for lost time.
It still seems like things are in turmoil. I feel like I have been putting everyone else before myself (which is probably true) and I feel a little neglected. I'm sad. I miss Sean. (Here come the tears). I really need to find something to occupy my time. It's nights like these, when I couldn't stay at work (they already had 3 techs), Jon is gaming, and I've got nothing due for a week. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. It's a time like this when I really just want someone to hold me. I'm really lost...I don't know if I am making any sense to anyone, but this is how I am right now.
I know that this post has probably been really confusing, sad, etc...so I will end on a high note.
I got a full-time ER tech position at Harbor. Go me.
THANK YOUS to Xeni, Melissa, Rach, and Muffin for your comments. They mean a lot to me and helped me through probably the hardest time in my life. And thank you, Jon, for being as supportive as you have been. My mom was right...you have been through a lot with this family.
The viewing/memorial service was unbelievable. Over 150 people showed up in the 4 hours that it was open. For the service, they had to open up two adjacent rooms for the overflow. People flew in from all over the country...hell two guys even flew in from England. One of those was an Executive VP who eulogized my brother and basically gave him credit for making Games Workshop what it is in the U.S. today. I also eulogized him. I'll post it later in a cut.
We now know what happened. For some reason, my brother's coronary vessels began to leak into the pericardium (sac that encases the heart-the condition is called cardiac tamponade). In surgery they tried to stop the bleeding, but couldn't, so they put him on a ventilator and a transplant list, and he only lasted a few hours. It's really strange. It could be something hereditary, because his birth father died at a young age...but we don't know.
My sister-in-law apparently sold my brother's stuff on eBay. Yeah.
It has been really really hard for me. There are some days that are certainly better than others, but it seems as if there have been a lot of down days lately. Yesterday in a meeting at work they were talking about how now it is a common practice to bring the family in on a person who is in cardiac arrest. I almost started crying right there in the meeting. I only took a week off work, but it's not like I can afford to take any time off. Thank God I haven't had to work a code yet. I've been trying to avoid it.
Every day I just try to make sure I breathe. Lately I have been holding in tears and trying to be strong....like today when I was walking to my car on my way to work. I almost started crying on the sidewalk. Taking each day as it comes is so much harder than I thought. Life has become so much harder. There are certain things that make me cry. I can't predict what will make me cry unless I've already experienced it. Hell I used to be so strong. Nothing really upset me. Now, hearing that we have a code coming in makes my eyes water. It used to make my adrenalin start pumping and give me a head rush. I dread the next time I have to do CPR. I might just break down.
I feel like I don't know anything right now. I want to take my time with things, yet still enjoy life and hope for the future. I don't plan on graduating any time soon. I need to get my GPA up enough for grad school. So here come the statistics courses. I actually ended up having to drop one of my classes this semester (PSYC 332) because I was so far behind. I didn't want to sacrifice my other grades to try to make up for lost time.
It still seems like things are in turmoil. I feel like I have been putting everyone else before myself (which is probably true) and I feel a little neglected. I'm sad. I miss Sean. (Here come the tears). I really need to find something to occupy my time. It's nights like these, when I couldn't stay at work (they already had 3 techs), Jon is gaming, and I've got nothing due for a week. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. It's a time like this when I really just want someone to hold me. I'm really lost...I don't know if I am making any sense to anyone, but this is how I am right now.
I know that this post has probably been really confusing, sad, etc...so I will end on a high note.
I got a full-time ER tech position at Harbor. Go me.