久しぶり
hey LJ. how long has it been? a year? 2?
I am writing to you today, after a very long break, because this is the only way that I can think of doing this.
A series of events, starting last June, has led me to some eye opening insight about myself.
I have always thought that I was a caring person. That I tried to be there for my friends when I could be. That i was patient, and had a big heart.
Recently, I have noticed how alone I really am and I started to wonder about why I have these feelings. I realized I caused this. I always thought that I had to find myself and my happiness myself, and that there was no one I could count on, or try to bring with me(since that would be selfish). And although there may be some truth to that idea, I inadvertently pushed everyone and everything I loved away. I really wasn't listening as much as I thought, or giving them as much time as I thought. I really wasn't there very often at all. not at all what I wanted. not at all what I meant to do.
so more than anything, because I am too chicken shit, and because people dont really need to hear this( I am sure they have moved on and there is no point going back in time), this is the next best thing that I can do. I am writing here, in hopes that somehow, they will find it, and read it, and have a slight idea of the heaviness in my heart that this has caused me.
from the very bottom of my heart, I am sorry for any pain that I have caused you - any lack of consideration, any lack of thought, or time that you so much deserved, for any confusion or desire, or gap or wound that I was too blind to see, for the hugs I couldn't give you, and the tears I couldn't wipe away, for the laughs we missed, the photos we never took, the talks that never happened, the fights that should have been, the heart I couldn't appreciate - I am so so so profoundly sorry.
I can never take back the time that was lost, but I am letting you know that I am aware of what I was, what I have done - and I will do everything I can to not do it again. I really thought that I was making progress. But apparently I need to start all over again.
I love you.
I'm sorry
I am writing to you today, after a very long break, because this is the only way that I can think of doing this.
A series of events, starting last June, has led me to some eye opening insight about myself.
I have always thought that I was a caring person. That I tried to be there for my friends when I could be. That i was patient, and had a big heart.
Recently, I have noticed how alone I really am and I started to wonder about why I have these feelings. I realized I caused this. I always thought that I had to find myself and my happiness myself, and that there was no one I could count on, or try to bring with me(since that would be selfish). And although there may be some truth to that idea, I inadvertently pushed everyone and everything I loved away. I really wasn't listening as much as I thought, or giving them as much time as I thought. I really wasn't there very often at all. not at all what I wanted. not at all what I meant to do.
so more than anything, because I am too chicken shit, and because people dont really need to hear this( I am sure they have moved on and there is no point going back in time), this is the next best thing that I can do. I am writing here, in hopes that somehow, they will find it, and read it, and have a slight idea of the heaviness in my heart that this has caused me.
from the very bottom of my heart, I am sorry for any pain that I have caused you - any lack of consideration, any lack of thought, or time that you so much deserved, for any confusion or desire, or gap or wound that I was too blind to see, for the hugs I couldn't give you, and the tears I couldn't wipe away, for the laughs we missed, the photos we never took, the talks that never happened, the fights that should have been, the heart I couldn't appreciate - I am so so so profoundly sorry.
I can never take back the time that was lost, but I am letting you know that I am aware of what I was, what I have done - and I will do everything I can to not do it again. I really thought that I was making progress. But apparently I need to start all over again.
I love you.
I'm sorry