Dreaming Wide Awake - Chapter Six
Title: Dreaming Wide Awake
Summary: Sequel to Frozen in Place. With her life coming to a painful and untimely end, Teyla stepped into the stasis pod, never expecting to open her eyes on the world again. Then, one day, she did.
Rating: T
Warnings: none
Pairing: John Sheppard/Teyla Emmagan
Length: ~4,700 words
Link: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10302825/6/Dreaming-Wide-Awake
Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate Atlantis, John Sheppard, or ... well, much else really. Too bad. For fun, not profit.
Comments: My thanks to my amazing beta nacinom.
“Well, did he say anything?”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know, Rodney.”
“Because, if you remember, Ronon was always quite the chatterbox.”
Teyla stirred at the familiar cadence of John and Rodney bickering. Beneath the blankets, her arms were wrapped around her torso in a protective curl while charged impulses darted within her body. Feeling slightly dizzy, she half-expected to see John in his black BDU’s and Rodney in his uniform arguing over a table in the mess hall. Then, of course, she remembered where she was and that those days had been left far behind.
“It was just a question, McKay. Maybe a ‘say hi for me’ or … a really deep grunt or …”
“What do you want me to say, Sheppard? I told him you and Teyla were out of stasis, and that Teyla was alive. It took all of thirty seconds and he cut the signal. Allow me to be the first to tell you that living with his own people for the past twenty years has done wonders for Ronon’s people skills.”
“Yeah, I’ll bet,” John mumbled under his breath. There was an elongated pause before he spoke again and when he finally did, his voice was tinged with surprise and disappointment. “Look, I wasn’t expecting a big welcome back speech or anything like that, just … I don’t know. Something.”
“I’m sorry, okay?” Rodney said, sincerely. “I wish there was more.”
“No, it’s fine. You did good, Rodney.”
Teyla moved her arms, feeling somewhat shaky with the effort, and lifted her head. She closed her eyes again momentarily as her stomach turned, the world vacillating and distorted around her. When the queasy feeling finally abated, she opened her eyes to see her environment with a much clearer view.
John and Rodney stood against the nearby wall. Having forsworn his uniform long ago, Rodney was dressed in an oversized wool sweater. His frame had rounded some over the years, Teyla noticed, and not exclusively in his midsection. His back and shoulders bridged naturally to form a smooth yet pronounced curve, the result of years spent bending over a desk. She was also glad to see that John had taken advantage of the time she spent resting to shower and change.
She took in the thin frown on John’s face as he shifted his weight uncomfortably. Softly, she called out to him. “John? What is it? What is going on?”
“Hey,” he said. The dark cloud hovering over his troubled countenance lifted significantly in realizing she was awake. Breaking his stance, he settled against the railing of the bed and hunched over to get a little closer. “How are you feeling? Better?”
She took a drawn out breath and answered honestly, “A little.” The incessant prickling below her skin hadn’t improved at all, but the extra sleep had served her well enough. “Thank you, John.”
He shook his head almost imperceptibly, as if to say he had done nothing. He reached over to give her temple an affectionate brush with his finger, a move reminiscent of the comforting sensation that had finally lulled her to sleep. “As long as you’re okay.”
Rodney shuffled up behind him, tugging at his sweater and casting a scrutinizing glance at John’s hand. He gave him an odd sort of smirk; satisfied yet smug, as though he was a co-conspirator in keeping some great secret.
“Rodney,” she greeted him with a smile. “It is good to see you again. Have you been here long?”
“Awhile.”
She sighed at herself in subdued dismay. “I have kept you waiting.”
“Don’t think anything of it, Teyla,” John insisted.
A forlorn look settled on her face before she was able to banish it completely. She hastily schooled her features into a visage of polite exchange, then addressed Rodney again. “I am sorry our last visit was cut so short.”
“Oh, don’t be ridiculous,” her friend said with a dismissive wave of the hand, then quickly withdrew the comment. Perhaps he was afraid she would take offense, Teyla thought. He needn’t have bothered. Rodney may have been relatively abrasive in his means, but it was no real measure to how much he cared. “I mean, you nearly died. It must’ve been … If anyone would know what you’ve had to deal with … well, it wouldn’t be me because I’ve obviously never been put into stasis and then pulled out only to have my heart stop. But I do know quite a bit about …”
John dealt him a gentle nudge in the ribs. “Less is more, Rodney.”
The flustered physicist stowed his hands in his pockets like he could tuck his nerves away along with them. “Getting better is what’s important, right?” he concluded simply.
“Indeed,” she answered, watching the whole exchange with a petite grin. It was nice to see that some things had never changed.
“I heard you had kind of a bad morning,” Rodney said with a concerned grimace.
“That’s not what I said,” John grumbled.
“Well, that’s how it sounded.”
John shot him a disapproving glare and turned to address Teyla. “I figured Rodney would show up sooner or later anyway, but since Madison said you were clear for visitors, I went ahead and invited him down. I’m starting to think I made a horrible mistake.”
Rodney made a face that smacked of false amusement. Teyla only smiled. “And Torren?” she asked hopefully.
“Coalition Council,” John explained. “They’re in the middle of a session and aren’t expected to get out for a few more hours, but he said he’d be by as soon as he could.”
Teyla nodded in understanding. Her son was a grown man with responsibilities. She could not allow herself to forget that. She only hoped that was the real reason for his absence. Teyla couldn’t imagine what it must be like for him to have his mother thought to be, by any reasonable definition, dead for almost his entire life only to have her return. It would be akin to her own mother, a person she barely remembered, walking through the Stargate one day and asking to resume her place in her life.
Of course, Tegan had willfully abdicated her responsibilities as her mother. Teyla had been given no choice. She hoped Torren would see that. She hoped he could forgive her.
With a deep exhale, Teyla returned to the topic that had woken her in the first place. She was craving familiarity and the big Satedan was the one missing piece in her former team. So much about this time felt wrong to her, but it was made that much worse without him there. “What was it you were saying about Ronon?”
“Ah,” Rodney muttered, taking it upon himself to respond. “I was just explaining to Rip van Winkle here that Ronon is-shall we say-a man of few words, and at no point in my extensive and lauded career have I ever picked up the ability to read minds.”
“But you were able to reach him?” she asked.
“Well, yes. But …”
Heavy footfalls and raised voices echoed in from the hallway, distracting her. John turned as well. From her prone position Teyla couldn’t see much, but the atmosphere outside had abruptly changed, ripe with an unbridled energy. “John?”
He glanced down at her and shook his head. He didn’t know what was going on any more than she did.
“Commander? Commander, wait just a moment! You didn’t clear proper security channels!” a male voice demanded and received no response. Infirmary personnel moved aside as grains of sand swept up in the breeze, breaking for a much more powerful force.
“Ronon!” Rodney exclaimed in astonishment.
“Get out of my way, McKay,” he growled.
Rodney moved aside with haste and John followed suit, aware of his intended target. As they parted, Teyla finally laid eyes on him-Ronon Dex, former runner. Stalking through the infirmary with the proud mane of lion streaked gray and clad in a thick cloak covering a combination of hard-boiled leather and armor decorated with the insignia indicative of high office, she saw a man who would strike fear in the cold hearts of Wraith the galaxy over; he who was her brother in every way but blood.
The scar he bore through his eyebrow had gained a grisly companion; a deep but aged mark etched into his lower cheek that bespoke his violent, war torn past. No doubt he had many more that couldn’t currently be seen, collected over years of battling the Wraith both by her side and long after, but a fire burned within him that reached down to the core of his very being. Ronon had never been beaten or broken.
When she had befriended him in the beginning, Teyla had often been struck with the impression that Ronon was either destined to die young or the wild man they had stumbled across would outlive them all. She was delighted to see it was the latter.
With Rodney and John just behind, he came to a halt at her bedside and stood looming over her. The hard expression on his face flickered, then steeled itself again. John had not told her much of the time soon after she had entered stasis, but she knew Ronon had had a difficult time accepting her loss. Her unexpected return must have been equally difficult; stirring old memories and making fresh the pain of her absence.
“Teyla?” he asked in his stony voice.
She reached for his hand. “Ronon.”
She saw him considering her poor condition and the tapestry of wires and monitors she was hooked up to with that iron scowl. “You okay?”
“Yes, of course, she is,” Rodney broke in, perturbed. “Do you think I would have revived her in the first place if I wasn’t a hundred percent certain this would work?”
Ronon’s head swiveled around to glare at him which brought about a prompt end to Rodney’s protest.
“I will be,” Teyla answered for herself when he came to face her again.
The Commander pursed his bearded lower lip and his huge hand turned under hers. Knuckles and fingers moved hesitantly to surround hers. Silence was thick in the air, then Ronon was surrounding her. His great arms stretched around her and swept her up in a fierce embrace.
“Careful,” John spoke in warning, but Ronon seemed to ignore him. He was taking all due diligence to make certain she was unhurt. Teyla never even felt a tug at her arm from the IV. The only thing she fought was the dizzying lurch deep in her abdomen as the world spun. Secure in his powerful arms, with one hooking her legs and the other protectively surrounding her back, she rested her head against his shoulder and waited until the feeling passed.
Teyla peered up at Ronon’s battle-hardened face, only to find him choked with emotion. “What took you so long?” he asked in a raspy whisper.
A wide, tearful smile exploded onto her face. She reached up to touch his cheek. “I might ask the same of you, my friend.”
Ronon held her tight, and Teyla hugged him back with as much fervor as she could muster. Her Satedan brother had been returned to her and she to him.
It was only when the two finally broke apart that Teyla saw that they had drawn a crowd. Lucia and a junior nurse, Megan, had joined John and Rodney, along with a security officer Teyla presumed was the man that had followed him here from the Gate Room. The two nurses appeared moderately anxious, and the security officer looked as though he were seriously weighing whether to enforce protocol or if it would be wiser to bend the rules. Madison was watching, arms folded, with a self-assured yet still cautious gaze from her office door.
John’s low commanding tone reached over Ronon’s shoulder. “Ronon, you need to put her down now.” John knew as well as Teyla that Ronon would never intentionally harm her, but she understood why he would worry about her condition remaining stable.
There was a brief flash of something in the Satedan’s dark eyes, an intensity in his countenance before he released her back onto her bed, much to the relief of the nurses on duty. That relief, however, was short-lived.
Madison was walking over, and Lucia and Megan were busily tucking her back in when Ronon turned on John with catlike grace and an arresting fury. His iron fist landed with a dense crack.
Teyla was stunned. “Ronon!”
A short pace from her, keeping himself out of the line of fire, Rodney’s face pulled into a sympathetic wince, but he didn’t seem all that shocked at the turn of events.
“Whoa! Knock it off!” Madison yelled as the S.O. leaped into action, attempting to subdue the angry warrior. The rangy man fruitlessly clung to one arm while Ronon’s sole attention focused on John.
John groaned and blinked hard, no doubt seeing stars. “What was that for?”
“For not saying goodbye,” Ronon snarled.
“Ugh,” he grunted. “You couldn’t have filed a written complaint?”
Ronon glared back at him. He shook off the outclassed S.O. easily, freeing his arm, but he didn’t move against John again. Long pent-up anger vented from him with every breath.
“Okay, fine. I guess I deserved that.” While Teyla looked on in utter bewilderment, John gingerly tested his jaw. It didn’t appear Ronon had truly injured him, though from the red welt that was already visible, he was certain to be sore for a while.
Madison had made her way to Teyla’s bedside sometime during the melee and hovered protectively over her. As she eyed the exchange, one of her hands inched toward her commlink. Teyla grasped at her wrist. The level of electricity within her was rising rapidly, but she couldn’t bear to see John or Ronon hauled away by additional security. “Don’t. Please.”
Madison looked down at her appraisingly. For once Teyla didn’t try to hide the distress in her face. Perhaps appealing to the doctor’s empathetic nature would persuade her to hold off any decision that would remove her friends from her. Of course, that tactic might also backfire if Madison felt that their presence was doing her more harm than good.
“Please,” she said again.
Madison’s crystal blue orbs regarded her carefully, then looked up. John and Ronon were engaged in a wrestling match of intense looks, questioning frowns, and caged emotion, but it seemed that the initial blow would be the only blow. John didn’t search for retribution and Ronon seemed to have lost his taste for the fight. Rodney merely looked on the two of them, shaking his head.
“Is that it?” John verbally pushed. “You got it out of your system or do you want to kick my ass some more?”
Ronon didn’t answer.
John’s expression was blank yet concealed a bitter thread of sadness. “I should’ve told you, okay? I should’ve told you what I was planning. Maybe that’s sixteen years too late, but … I should have. I just couldn’t … I couldn’t say goodbye to anyone else. I thought you might understand that.”
Tears broke free and fell in tiny rivulets along Teyla’s cheeks. Ronon stood stiff, unmoving.
“General, is everything alright?” Madison finally asked.
John peered in her direction, holding his glance long enough for he and Teyla to meet eyes. Wiping her tears away, she could read the inquiry in his expression, and ignoring the sensations harshly needling her everywhere, she nodded. He finally turned back to Ronon. “Yeah, it’s okay, I ...” John’s hazel eyes flickered uncertainly at his best friend as he rubbed his hand along his jaw. “We are okay, aren’t we?”
Ronon scowled. “Don’t do that again.”
“I won't.”
Just as abruptly as he’d struck John, Ronon threw his arms around him. Teyla thought she saw a smile creep up on John’s face as he returned the embrace.
“It’s good to see you too, buddy,” he said quietly, patting him on the back.
For the next minutes, there was a flurry of hands working over Teyla; staff members who, sensing that the storm had passed, devoted themselves to caring for her and returning her properly to bed while Teyla concerned herself with her former teammates.
She was relieved at their apparent reconciliation. The bond John and Ronon had forged as brothers-in-arms seemed to have rendered any further discussion on the matter pointless. But she was equally troubled that the incident had played out at all. What had happened after she went into stasis? There was so much about the past she didn’t know, events she had not been a part of whose consequences were spilling into the present with a raging torrent.
John had filled her in on a lot, but obviously not everything. Not the things closest to his heart, the ones he was least proud of and the ones that hurt the most.
“This isn’t exactly what I meant when I said take it easy,” Madison chided him after peace had begun to settle again.
“Hey, this wasn’t exactly my idea,” John defended himself, nursing what was sure to become an angry bruise.
Madison cast a reproachful stare at Ronon. He raised his brow in a sly, endearing arch and all Madison could do was sigh. Clearly, she and Ronon weren’t strangers to one another. Teyla supposed they would have met at the same time she had met John: when Jeannie was taken captive on Earth. And even if his home was on Sateda now, surely Ronon would have spent time in the city over the years visiting with Rodney and Katie. Rodney’s niece was likely to have been, at times, included. Perhaps he and Madison were friends?
Madison pursed her lips and waved to both of them. “Alright, General, let’s get you under a scanner and take a look at the damage.”
“Thanks a lot, Chewie,” John groused.
“Ronon, let’s get some ice on that hand,” the doctor ordered as she began to push the two men along by the arms.
“It’s fine,” the Satedan grumbled through his teeth.
Teyla wasn’t certain what Madison said next, but it sounded suspiciously like, “Don’t think I won’t call your wife.” Whatever it was, it was enough to earn her an annoyed huff, yet Ronon straightened and followed her without further complaint. The quick turnabout said a lot about the kind of woman her friend had eventually chosen to make his bond with.
“She makes a pretty good Cyronian barbecue, but you wouldn’t want to meet her in a dark alley,” Rodney said, then answered the question hanging in the air. “Lysa, Ronon’s wife.”
He sat down in John’s now empty chair next to the bed and let out an appreciative moan, very pleased to be off his feet. “She came to Atlantis with an attachment of the new Satedan Guard during the war. The Wraith had us spread too thin, reinforcements from Earth were still a few days out, and we needed people or it was bye bye Pegasus. When Lorne came back telling us he’d made some new friends, he wasn’t kidding. The Satedans held M77-903 and somewhere in the middle of all that Ronon met up with Lysa.”
Teyla looked back in the direction John and Ronon had gone, her thoughts lingering elsewhere. With all she didn’t yet know. “Tell me more,” she said.
“Well, Ronon must’ve had some MRE’s stashed in his quarters or something because it was three or four days before those two came up for air.”
Surprised, Teyla released a light giggle. “That is not precisely what I meant, Rodney.”
His wrinkled cheeks turned a new shade of pink as he smiled sheepishly. “Right. Sorry.”
The two shared a moment of quiet laughter. Then, when the levity passed, Rodney seemed to understand what it was she wanted to know and his smile faded. “Listen, Teyla, don’t worry about all this. The way Sheppard left things … it was bound to happen. He did what he could, but he still left quite a mess in his wake. The SGC’s been trying to arrange a sit down with him for the last few days, and then there’s his brother … Ronon was only the tip of the iceberg.”
“What do you mean?”
Rodney answered with a frown. “Well, you know how Sheppard is. Once he makes up his mind, there’s no arguing.”
Teyla nodded.
“I helped him. I tried to talk him out of it, but I helped him. He knew … we both knew that it was probably going to be a one-way trip,” he said with bald shame in his voice. “You have to understand, Teyla, at that time …”
The prevailing belief was that there was no hope she would ever be cured, Teyla surmised when Rodney could not speak it aloud. She had been essentially been left for dead. Teyla had understood that the moment she stepped into the stasis pod. She bore no ill will to her friends for seeing the truth as it had stood at the time. She did not wish for Rodney to feel guilty for it now, especially after all he had done to turn that reality on its ear. “You do not have to explain to me, Rodney. I understand. I do.”
The sad scientist seemed to accept her assurance for the time being. “Don’t tell him this, but Sheppard going into stasis with you was probably the single biggest step toward helping you we ever got. Once he was trapped in there and the powers that be realized that they couldn’t get him out without killing you,” he gulped, “they started considering new alternatives to treating you. The nanites were an idea I had in the beginning, but they were nowhere near ready and I could never get approval to even begin testing because everybody was so scared of bringing back the Replicators. But I guess the idea of leaving a decorated general to die in stasis for no reason was too much for the bosses to swallow, and it only got easier after the Stargate program went public. Can you imagine the PR nightmare if the press had ever gotten wind of it? 'Intergalactic War Hero and Member of Prominent, Freakishly Wealthy Family Left to Die by Unfeeling Bureaucrats. Film at eleven.'”
“John forced their hand.”
Rodney nodded. “I used to wonder if he did it on purpose. If he somehow knew that by upping the stakes they'd have to do something.” After a beat of oppressive silence, Rodney cleared his throat. “Anyway, um … after he was … all locked up, it fell in my lap to play delivery boy and break the news to everybody that he wasn’t coming back. Sheppard had filled out his resignation papers from the Air Force, written letters to Carter, Ronon, Carson, and his brother. Carson …” Rodney paused. “Well, Carson was hard. Ronon was harder. I thought I had gotten off easy with David Sheppard because I didn’t have to do it in person, but once word of the Stargate program got out, I thought he had a right to know what really happened.”
“That was very brave of you, Rodney.”
“Not really,” he muttered, then stopped entirely. In this Teyla chose not to press him. Whatever occurred between Rodney and John’s brother, it was not something Rodney wished to relate. Perhaps he never would.
Teyla stared up at the ceiling, giving Rodney time and trying to process everything she’d heard. As with so much she’d already learned of those missing years, every bit of information she gained seemed only to draw out more questions. “Rodney, what happened after I was placed in stasis? What really happened?”
The lump in his throat bobbed up and down. “What did Sheppard tell you?”
“Only that it was difficult. I think John is … reluctant … to talk about it.”
“Yeah, I can imagine.” Rodney shifted uncomfortably in his seat and glanced around the room as if he were wishing he were still spry enough to make a dash for the exit. “I don’t know, Teyla. Shouldn’t you be resting or something?”
“Rodney, for the next several days I will be doing little else but resting. I would like … I need to know.”
“Maybe you should wait for Sheppard or something.”
“Rodney!” She needed to fill in the missing pieces and she couldn’t wait until the next blow-up to understand what had occurred between those members of her adopted family when she wasn’t there for them.
Appearing vaguely cowed by her outburst, Rodney lowered his head and exhaled. “I can’t really speak to what happened right after. For the others, anyway. I-I wasn’t really around all that much.” His features contorted in aching remembrance of his past grief. “By the time I was in any shape to … well, to do anything really, Ronon had broken his hand in a couple of places. Jennifer told me at first there had been an accident in the gym, but I didn’t buy it. I mean, when we used to hear the words ‘gym accident’, Ronon wasn’t usually the one needing medical attention. She finally told me they were stress fractures. That he’d been hitting the equipment so hard, his bones just … couldn't take it.”
Sorrowful, Teyla closed her eyes in deference to the suffering she had unintentionally caused. To be loved to such an extent might have been a blessing had she not known that those same feelings would have felt like a curse to those that mattered most to her.
“Kanaan stayed in Atlantis for a few months afterward. I think a part of him still hoped a cure would pop up and we could bring you back to be with your son. He brought Torren to see you every so often, but … after awhile he couldn’t do it anymore. It seemed cruel.”
“Torren was raised on New Athos,” Teyla said to herself, and Rodney indicated she was right. Naturally, Kanaan would have taken him back to live with their people. Without her presence in Atlantis, there would have been little to keep them there. Torren would have had a wonderful and full upbringing alongside the rest of the Athosians. However, for the first time, she was grateful that she'd been unaware of it. Not only had Torren been taken from her, but the thought of her young son reaching out for his mother with no response …
Teyla let out a shaky breath. That was one memory she was happy not to bear.
“And John?” she finally asked.
“Sheppard,” he muttered. “Well, John was …”
Rodney unexpectedly got up and meandered in an oblong circle along the infirmary floor. Teyla waited as he paced, deep in thought, clearly racking his formidable brain for the right thing to say. His shoulders bent, his posture stooped, and wearing a pensive frown, he eventually said, “Sheppard never did really recover. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone so lost before. And I don’t mean ‘six-years-old, lost in the Canadian Museum of Civilization without a map’ kind of lost, ‘cause that’s actually really scary …
Rodney bit his lip, perhaps remembering John’s earlier advice of less is more. “The thing is, I don’t think he realized how lost he actually was. He seemed fine. He didn't really want to hang out as much, but I don’t think anyone who didn’t know him would’ve noticed. I doubt I would’ve noticed if Jennifer hadn’t asked me about it. But the first time I found him in the Stasis Room, I knew. I knew he wasn’t the same. And it never got better.”
Unexpectedly, a smile crossed his lips. Wistful and far away, but it was definitely a smile.
It was very similar to the one he wore when John had been stroking her hair earlier; genuine and knowing, in a way. “But you're back now. And he seems … Well, he's better. You should know that Sheppard never gave up on you. He held on, even when we thought he shouldn’t.”
“John was always quite stubborn.”
“Well, there’s stubborn and there’s stubborn,” Rodney said. “When the topic had anything to do with you, I’ve had more productive conversations with a wall.”
Teyla couldn’t help but smile too, soft and knowing. John’s secret was not as secret as Rodney might have thought. “Strange, is it not?”
He looked directly at her, and slowly, a conspiratorial grin grew on his lips. “Really strange.”
Summary: Sequel to Frozen in Place. With her life coming to a painful and untimely end, Teyla stepped into the stasis pod, never expecting to open her eyes on the world again. Then, one day, she did.
Rating: T
Warnings: none
Pairing: John Sheppard/Teyla Emmagan
Length: ~4,700 words
Link: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10302825/6/Dreaming-Wide-Awake
Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate Atlantis, John Sheppard, or ... well, much else really. Too bad. For fun, not profit.
Comments: My thanks to my amazing beta nacinom.
“Well, did he say anything?”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know, Rodney.”
“Because, if you remember, Ronon was always quite the chatterbox.”
Teyla stirred at the familiar cadence of John and Rodney bickering. Beneath the blankets, her arms were wrapped around her torso in a protective curl while charged impulses darted within her body. Feeling slightly dizzy, she half-expected to see John in his black BDU’s and Rodney in his uniform arguing over a table in the mess hall. Then, of course, she remembered where she was and that those days had been left far behind.
“It was just a question, McKay. Maybe a ‘say hi for me’ or … a really deep grunt or …”
“What do you want me to say, Sheppard? I told him you and Teyla were out of stasis, and that Teyla was alive. It took all of thirty seconds and he cut the signal. Allow me to be the first to tell you that living with his own people for the past twenty years has done wonders for Ronon’s people skills.”
“Yeah, I’ll bet,” John mumbled under his breath. There was an elongated pause before he spoke again and when he finally did, his voice was tinged with surprise and disappointment. “Look, I wasn’t expecting a big welcome back speech or anything like that, just … I don’t know. Something.”
“I’m sorry, okay?” Rodney said, sincerely. “I wish there was more.”
“No, it’s fine. You did good, Rodney.”
Teyla moved her arms, feeling somewhat shaky with the effort, and lifted her head. She closed her eyes again momentarily as her stomach turned, the world vacillating and distorted around her. When the queasy feeling finally abated, she opened her eyes to see her environment with a much clearer view.
John and Rodney stood against the nearby wall. Having forsworn his uniform long ago, Rodney was dressed in an oversized wool sweater. His frame had rounded some over the years, Teyla noticed, and not exclusively in his midsection. His back and shoulders bridged naturally to form a smooth yet pronounced curve, the result of years spent bending over a desk. She was also glad to see that John had taken advantage of the time she spent resting to shower and change.
She took in the thin frown on John’s face as he shifted his weight uncomfortably. Softly, she called out to him. “John? What is it? What is going on?”
“Hey,” he said. The dark cloud hovering over his troubled countenance lifted significantly in realizing she was awake. Breaking his stance, he settled against the railing of the bed and hunched over to get a little closer. “How are you feeling? Better?”
She took a drawn out breath and answered honestly, “A little.” The incessant prickling below her skin hadn’t improved at all, but the extra sleep had served her well enough. “Thank you, John.”
He shook his head almost imperceptibly, as if to say he had done nothing. He reached over to give her temple an affectionate brush with his finger, a move reminiscent of the comforting sensation that had finally lulled her to sleep. “As long as you’re okay.”
Rodney shuffled up behind him, tugging at his sweater and casting a scrutinizing glance at John’s hand. He gave him an odd sort of smirk; satisfied yet smug, as though he was a co-conspirator in keeping some great secret.
“Rodney,” she greeted him with a smile. “It is good to see you again. Have you been here long?”
“Awhile.”
She sighed at herself in subdued dismay. “I have kept you waiting.”
“Don’t think anything of it, Teyla,” John insisted.
A forlorn look settled on her face before she was able to banish it completely. She hastily schooled her features into a visage of polite exchange, then addressed Rodney again. “I am sorry our last visit was cut so short.”
“Oh, don’t be ridiculous,” her friend said with a dismissive wave of the hand, then quickly withdrew the comment. Perhaps he was afraid she would take offense, Teyla thought. He needn’t have bothered. Rodney may have been relatively abrasive in his means, but it was no real measure to how much he cared. “I mean, you nearly died. It must’ve been … If anyone would know what you’ve had to deal with … well, it wouldn’t be me because I’ve obviously never been put into stasis and then pulled out only to have my heart stop. But I do know quite a bit about …”
John dealt him a gentle nudge in the ribs. “Less is more, Rodney.”
The flustered physicist stowed his hands in his pockets like he could tuck his nerves away along with them. “Getting better is what’s important, right?” he concluded simply.
“Indeed,” she answered, watching the whole exchange with a petite grin. It was nice to see that some things had never changed.
“I heard you had kind of a bad morning,” Rodney said with a concerned grimace.
“That’s not what I said,” John grumbled.
“Well, that’s how it sounded.”
John shot him a disapproving glare and turned to address Teyla. “I figured Rodney would show up sooner or later anyway, but since Madison said you were clear for visitors, I went ahead and invited him down. I’m starting to think I made a horrible mistake.”
Rodney made a face that smacked of false amusement. Teyla only smiled. “And Torren?” she asked hopefully.
“Coalition Council,” John explained. “They’re in the middle of a session and aren’t expected to get out for a few more hours, but he said he’d be by as soon as he could.”
Teyla nodded in understanding. Her son was a grown man with responsibilities. She could not allow herself to forget that. She only hoped that was the real reason for his absence. Teyla couldn’t imagine what it must be like for him to have his mother thought to be, by any reasonable definition, dead for almost his entire life only to have her return. It would be akin to her own mother, a person she barely remembered, walking through the Stargate one day and asking to resume her place in her life.
Of course, Tegan had willfully abdicated her responsibilities as her mother. Teyla had been given no choice. She hoped Torren would see that. She hoped he could forgive her.
With a deep exhale, Teyla returned to the topic that had woken her in the first place. She was craving familiarity and the big Satedan was the one missing piece in her former team. So much about this time felt wrong to her, but it was made that much worse without him there. “What was it you were saying about Ronon?”
“Ah,” Rodney muttered, taking it upon himself to respond. “I was just explaining to Rip van Winkle here that Ronon is-shall we say-a man of few words, and at no point in my extensive and lauded career have I ever picked up the ability to read minds.”
“But you were able to reach him?” she asked.
“Well, yes. But …”
Heavy footfalls and raised voices echoed in from the hallway, distracting her. John turned as well. From her prone position Teyla couldn’t see much, but the atmosphere outside had abruptly changed, ripe with an unbridled energy. “John?”
He glanced down at her and shook his head. He didn’t know what was going on any more than she did.
“Commander? Commander, wait just a moment! You didn’t clear proper security channels!” a male voice demanded and received no response. Infirmary personnel moved aside as grains of sand swept up in the breeze, breaking for a much more powerful force.
“Ronon!” Rodney exclaimed in astonishment.
“Get out of my way, McKay,” he growled.
Rodney moved aside with haste and John followed suit, aware of his intended target. As they parted, Teyla finally laid eyes on him-Ronon Dex, former runner. Stalking through the infirmary with the proud mane of lion streaked gray and clad in a thick cloak covering a combination of hard-boiled leather and armor decorated with the insignia indicative of high office, she saw a man who would strike fear in the cold hearts of Wraith the galaxy over; he who was her brother in every way but blood.
The scar he bore through his eyebrow had gained a grisly companion; a deep but aged mark etched into his lower cheek that bespoke his violent, war torn past. No doubt he had many more that couldn’t currently be seen, collected over years of battling the Wraith both by her side and long after, but a fire burned within him that reached down to the core of his very being. Ronon had never been beaten or broken.
When she had befriended him in the beginning, Teyla had often been struck with the impression that Ronon was either destined to die young or the wild man they had stumbled across would outlive them all. She was delighted to see it was the latter.
With Rodney and John just behind, he came to a halt at her bedside and stood looming over her. The hard expression on his face flickered, then steeled itself again. John had not told her much of the time soon after she had entered stasis, but she knew Ronon had had a difficult time accepting her loss. Her unexpected return must have been equally difficult; stirring old memories and making fresh the pain of her absence.
“Teyla?” he asked in his stony voice.
She reached for his hand. “Ronon.”
She saw him considering her poor condition and the tapestry of wires and monitors she was hooked up to with that iron scowl. “You okay?”
“Yes, of course, she is,” Rodney broke in, perturbed. “Do you think I would have revived her in the first place if I wasn’t a hundred percent certain this would work?”
Ronon’s head swiveled around to glare at him which brought about a prompt end to Rodney’s protest.
“I will be,” Teyla answered for herself when he came to face her again.
The Commander pursed his bearded lower lip and his huge hand turned under hers. Knuckles and fingers moved hesitantly to surround hers. Silence was thick in the air, then Ronon was surrounding her. His great arms stretched around her and swept her up in a fierce embrace.
“Careful,” John spoke in warning, but Ronon seemed to ignore him. He was taking all due diligence to make certain she was unhurt. Teyla never even felt a tug at her arm from the IV. The only thing she fought was the dizzying lurch deep in her abdomen as the world spun. Secure in his powerful arms, with one hooking her legs and the other protectively surrounding her back, she rested her head against his shoulder and waited until the feeling passed.
Teyla peered up at Ronon’s battle-hardened face, only to find him choked with emotion. “What took you so long?” he asked in a raspy whisper.
A wide, tearful smile exploded onto her face. She reached up to touch his cheek. “I might ask the same of you, my friend.”
Ronon held her tight, and Teyla hugged him back with as much fervor as she could muster. Her Satedan brother had been returned to her and she to him.
It was only when the two finally broke apart that Teyla saw that they had drawn a crowd. Lucia and a junior nurse, Megan, had joined John and Rodney, along with a security officer Teyla presumed was the man that had followed him here from the Gate Room. The two nurses appeared moderately anxious, and the security officer looked as though he were seriously weighing whether to enforce protocol or if it would be wiser to bend the rules. Madison was watching, arms folded, with a self-assured yet still cautious gaze from her office door.
John’s low commanding tone reached over Ronon’s shoulder. “Ronon, you need to put her down now.” John knew as well as Teyla that Ronon would never intentionally harm her, but she understood why he would worry about her condition remaining stable.
There was a brief flash of something in the Satedan’s dark eyes, an intensity in his countenance before he released her back onto her bed, much to the relief of the nurses on duty. That relief, however, was short-lived.
Madison was walking over, and Lucia and Megan were busily tucking her back in when Ronon turned on John with catlike grace and an arresting fury. His iron fist landed with a dense crack.
Teyla was stunned. “Ronon!”
A short pace from her, keeping himself out of the line of fire, Rodney’s face pulled into a sympathetic wince, but he didn’t seem all that shocked at the turn of events.
“Whoa! Knock it off!” Madison yelled as the S.O. leaped into action, attempting to subdue the angry warrior. The rangy man fruitlessly clung to one arm while Ronon’s sole attention focused on John.
John groaned and blinked hard, no doubt seeing stars. “What was that for?”
“For not saying goodbye,” Ronon snarled.
“Ugh,” he grunted. “You couldn’t have filed a written complaint?”
Ronon glared back at him. He shook off the outclassed S.O. easily, freeing his arm, but he didn’t move against John again. Long pent-up anger vented from him with every breath.
“Okay, fine. I guess I deserved that.” While Teyla looked on in utter bewilderment, John gingerly tested his jaw. It didn’t appear Ronon had truly injured him, though from the red welt that was already visible, he was certain to be sore for a while.
Madison had made her way to Teyla’s bedside sometime during the melee and hovered protectively over her. As she eyed the exchange, one of her hands inched toward her commlink. Teyla grasped at her wrist. The level of electricity within her was rising rapidly, but she couldn’t bear to see John or Ronon hauled away by additional security. “Don’t. Please.”
Madison looked down at her appraisingly. For once Teyla didn’t try to hide the distress in her face. Perhaps appealing to the doctor’s empathetic nature would persuade her to hold off any decision that would remove her friends from her. Of course, that tactic might also backfire if Madison felt that their presence was doing her more harm than good.
“Please,” she said again.
Madison’s crystal blue orbs regarded her carefully, then looked up. John and Ronon were engaged in a wrestling match of intense looks, questioning frowns, and caged emotion, but it seemed that the initial blow would be the only blow. John didn’t search for retribution and Ronon seemed to have lost his taste for the fight. Rodney merely looked on the two of them, shaking his head.
“Is that it?” John verbally pushed. “You got it out of your system or do you want to kick my ass some more?”
Ronon didn’t answer.
John’s expression was blank yet concealed a bitter thread of sadness. “I should’ve told you, okay? I should’ve told you what I was planning. Maybe that’s sixteen years too late, but … I should have. I just couldn’t … I couldn’t say goodbye to anyone else. I thought you might understand that.”
Tears broke free and fell in tiny rivulets along Teyla’s cheeks. Ronon stood stiff, unmoving.
“General, is everything alright?” Madison finally asked.
John peered in her direction, holding his glance long enough for he and Teyla to meet eyes. Wiping her tears away, she could read the inquiry in his expression, and ignoring the sensations harshly needling her everywhere, she nodded. He finally turned back to Ronon. “Yeah, it’s okay, I ...” John’s hazel eyes flickered uncertainly at his best friend as he rubbed his hand along his jaw. “We are okay, aren’t we?”
Ronon scowled. “Don’t do that again.”
“I won't.”
Just as abruptly as he’d struck John, Ronon threw his arms around him. Teyla thought she saw a smile creep up on John’s face as he returned the embrace.
“It’s good to see you too, buddy,” he said quietly, patting him on the back.
For the next minutes, there was a flurry of hands working over Teyla; staff members who, sensing that the storm had passed, devoted themselves to caring for her and returning her properly to bed while Teyla concerned herself with her former teammates.
She was relieved at their apparent reconciliation. The bond John and Ronon had forged as brothers-in-arms seemed to have rendered any further discussion on the matter pointless. But she was equally troubled that the incident had played out at all. What had happened after she went into stasis? There was so much about the past she didn’t know, events she had not been a part of whose consequences were spilling into the present with a raging torrent.
John had filled her in on a lot, but obviously not everything. Not the things closest to his heart, the ones he was least proud of and the ones that hurt the most.
“This isn’t exactly what I meant when I said take it easy,” Madison chided him after peace had begun to settle again.
“Hey, this wasn’t exactly my idea,” John defended himself, nursing what was sure to become an angry bruise.
Madison cast a reproachful stare at Ronon. He raised his brow in a sly, endearing arch and all Madison could do was sigh. Clearly, she and Ronon weren’t strangers to one another. Teyla supposed they would have met at the same time she had met John: when Jeannie was taken captive on Earth. And even if his home was on Sateda now, surely Ronon would have spent time in the city over the years visiting with Rodney and Katie. Rodney’s niece was likely to have been, at times, included. Perhaps he and Madison were friends?
Madison pursed her lips and waved to both of them. “Alright, General, let’s get you under a scanner and take a look at the damage.”
“Thanks a lot, Chewie,” John groused.
“Ronon, let’s get some ice on that hand,” the doctor ordered as she began to push the two men along by the arms.
“It’s fine,” the Satedan grumbled through his teeth.
Teyla wasn’t certain what Madison said next, but it sounded suspiciously like, “Don’t think I won’t call your wife.” Whatever it was, it was enough to earn her an annoyed huff, yet Ronon straightened and followed her without further complaint. The quick turnabout said a lot about the kind of woman her friend had eventually chosen to make his bond with.
“She makes a pretty good Cyronian barbecue, but you wouldn’t want to meet her in a dark alley,” Rodney said, then answered the question hanging in the air. “Lysa, Ronon’s wife.”
He sat down in John’s now empty chair next to the bed and let out an appreciative moan, very pleased to be off his feet. “She came to Atlantis with an attachment of the new Satedan Guard during the war. The Wraith had us spread too thin, reinforcements from Earth were still a few days out, and we needed people or it was bye bye Pegasus. When Lorne came back telling us he’d made some new friends, he wasn’t kidding. The Satedans held M77-903 and somewhere in the middle of all that Ronon met up with Lysa.”
Teyla looked back in the direction John and Ronon had gone, her thoughts lingering elsewhere. With all she didn’t yet know. “Tell me more,” she said.
“Well, Ronon must’ve had some MRE’s stashed in his quarters or something because it was three or four days before those two came up for air.”
Surprised, Teyla released a light giggle. “That is not precisely what I meant, Rodney.”
His wrinkled cheeks turned a new shade of pink as he smiled sheepishly. “Right. Sorry.”
The two shared a moment of quiet laughter. Then, when the levity passed, Rodney seemed to understand what it was she wanted to know and his smile faded. “Listen, Teyla, don’t worry about all this. The way Sheppard left things … it was bound to happen. He did what he could, but he still left quite a mess in his wake. The SGC’s been trying to arrange a sit down with him for the last few days, and then there’s his brother … Ronon was only the tip of the iceberg.”
“What do you mean?”
Rodney answered with a frown. “Well, you know how Sheppard is. Once he makes up his mind, there’s no arguing.”
Teyla nodded.
“I helped him. I tried to talk him out of it, but I helped him. He knew … we both knew that it was probably going to be a one-way trip,” he said with bald shame in his voice. “You have to understand, Teyla, at that time …”
The prevailing belief was that there was no hope she would ever be cured, Teyla surmised when Rodney could not speak it aloud. She had been essentially been left for dead. Teyla had understood that the moment she stepped into the stasis pod. She bore no ill will to her friends for seeing the truth as it had stood at the time. She did not wish for Rodney to feel guilty for it now, especially after all he had done to turn that reality on its ear. “You do not have to explain to me, Rodney. I understand. I do.”
The sad scientist seemed to accept her assurance for the time being. “Don’t tell him this, but Sheppard going into stasis with you was probably the single biggest step toward helping you we ever got. Once he was trapped in there and the powers that be realized that they couldn’t get him out without killing you,” he gulped, “they started considering new alternatives to treating you. The nanites were an idea I had in the beginning, but they were nowhere near ready and I could never get approval to even begin testing because everybody was so scared of bringing back the Replicators. But I guess the idea of leaving a decorated general to die in stasis for no reason was too much for the bosses to swallow, and it only got easier after the Stargate program went public. Can you imagine the PR nightmare if the press had ever gotten wind of it? 'Intergalactic War Hero and Member of Prominent, Freakishly Wealthy Family Left to Die by Unfeeling Bureaucrats. Film at eleven.'”
“John forced their hand.”
Rodney nodded. “I used to wonder if he did it on purpose. If he somehow knew that by upping the stakes they'd have to do something.” After a beat of oppressive silence, Rodney cleared his throat. “Anyway, um … after he was … all locked up, it fell in my lap to play delivery boy and break the news to everybody that he wasn’t coming back. Sheppard had filled out his resignation papers from the Air Force, written letters to Carter, Ronon, Carson, and his brother. Carson …” Rodney paused. “Well, Carson was hard. Ronon was harder. I thought I had gotten off easy with David Sheppard because I didn’t have to do it in person, but once word of the Stargate program got out, I thought he had a right to know what really happened.”
“That was very brave of you, Rodney.”
“Not really,” he muttered, then stopped entirely. In this Teyla chose not to press him. Whatever occurred between Rodney and John’s brother, it was not something Rodney wished to relate. Perhaps he never would.
Teyla stared up at the ceiling, giving Rodney time and trying to process everything she’d heard. As with so much she’d already learned of those missing years, every bit of information she gained seemed only to draw out more questions. “Rodney, what happened after I was placed in stasis? What really happened?”
The lump in his throat bobbed up and down. “What did Sheppard tell you?”
“Only that it was difficult. I think John is … reluctant … to talk about it.”
“Yeah, I can imagine.” Rodney shifted uncomfortably in his seat and glanced around the room as if he were wishing he were still spry enough to make a dash for the exit. “I don’t know, Teyla. Shouldn’t you be resting or something?”
“Rodney, for the next several days I will be doing little else but resting. I would like … I need to know.”
“Maybe you should wait for Sheppard or something.”
“Rodney!” She needed to fill in the missing pieces and she couldn’t wait until the next blow-up to understand what had occurred between those members of her adopted family when she wasn’t there for them.
Appearing vaguely cowed by her outburst, Rodney lowered his head and exhaled. “I can’t really speak to what happened right after. For the others, anyway. I-I wasn’t really around all that much.” His features contorted in aching remembrance of his past grief. “By the time I was in any shape to … well, to do anything really, Ronon had broken his hand in a couple of places. Jennifer told me at first there had been an accident in the gym, but I didn’t buy it. I mean, when we used to hear the words ‘gym accident’, Ronon wasn’t usually the one needing medical attention. She finally told me they were stress fractures. That he’d been hitting the equipment so hard, his bones just … couldn't take it.”
Sorrowful, Teyla closed her eyes in deference to the suffering she had unintentionally caused. To be loved to such an extent might have been a blessing had she not known that those same feelings would have felt like a curse to those that mattered most to her.
“Kanaan stayed in Atlantis for a few months afterward. I think a part of him still hoped a cure would pop up and we could bring you back to be with your son. He brought Torren to see you every so often, but … after awhile he couldn’t do it anymore. It seemed cruel.”
“Torren was raised on New Athos,” Teyla said to herself, and Rodney indicated she was right. Naturally, Kanaan would have taken him back to live with their people. Without her presence in Atlantis, there would have been little to keep them there. Torren would have had a wonderful and full upbringing alongside the rest of the Athosians. However, for the first time, she was grateful that she'd been unaware of it. Not only had Torren been taken from her, but the thought of her young son reaching out for his mother with no response …
Teyla let out a shaky breath. That was one memory she was happy not to bear.
“And John?” she finally asked.
“Sheppard,” he muttered. “Well, John was …”
Rodney unexpectedly got up and meandered in an oblong circle along the infirmary floor. Teyla waited as he paced, deep in thought, clearly racking his formidable brain for the right thing to say. His shoulders bent, his posture stooped, and wearing a pensive frown, he eventually said, “Sheppard never did really recover. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone so lost before. And I don’t mean ‘six-years-old, lost in the Canadian Museum of Civilization without a map’ kind of lost, ‘cause that’s actually really scary …
Rodney bit his lip, perhaps remembering John’s earlier advice of less is more. “The thing is, I don’t think he realized how lost he actually was. He seemed fine. He didn't really want to hang out as much, but I don’t think anyone who didn’t know him would’ve noticed. I doubt I would’ve noticed if Jennifer hadn’t asked me about it. But the first time I found him in the Stasis Room, I knew. I knew he wasn’t the same. And it never got better.”
Unexpectedly, a smile crossed his lips. Wistful and far away, but it was definitely a smile.
It was very similar to the one he wore when John had been stroking her hair earlier; genuine and knowing, in a way. “But you're back now. And he seems … Well, he's better. You should know that Sheppard never gave up on you. He held on, even when we thought he shouldn’t.”
“John was always quite stubborn.”
“Well, there’s stubborn and there’s stubborn,” Rodney said. “When the topic had anything to do with you, I’ve had more productive conversations with a wall.”
Teyla couldn’t help but smile too, soft and knowing. John’s secret was not as secret as Rodney might have thought. “Strange, is it not?”
He looked directly at her, and slowly, a conspiratorial grin grew on his lips. “Really strange.”