34 weeks eh..
thats getting pretty close to a year..
yet ive never felt the need to come and post anymore.
i see no one else though has really updated at all lately too.
whats going on in my life?
a relationship thats complicated.
a job in the bottom rung of life.. im a janitor for a place thats been deader than dead.. less work for me? whoo.. hahah.. i dont really know yet.. 8 - 12 hours shifts.. ive been told.. i havent started yet.. i start friday night though.
disconnected from family. when hasnt that been the case though..?
disconnected from friends maybe...
a summer of drinking and doing not much else..
and if i wasnt drinking i was probably somewhere getting high.
or if not, i was in the arms of my lady friend.. seeing how things would go this week.. hoping i have enough to entertain, or to keep the attention at a positive.. yes you can read this.. i dont know if you'll end up seeing it.. anyone can.
ive had quite the ideas pass through my fingers to text.. years of my life just posted here.. and some of them have been deleted as they were times i thought i wanted to lose.. but if i could.. id undelete them now and go over them again.. my history, how interesting its been. it always makes me think.. what will my future hold? will i do better eventually, will i ever really want to try make a good attempt at post secondary school.. can i make it with out it?
i know what it is now.. ive figured it out.. its not me.. but it is. i listen to what people tell me, everyone gives me praise.. i feel undeserved of it, so maybe i try do things to make myself seem like i shouldnt get it. and i just want to do the opposite of what people tell and think of me.. just so i can fade away into the shadows as i have.. yet no matter where i go or what i do.. i run into people who are there to show me something else.. to tell me other wise, but all i want is to experience i guess. i dont care about making it big, if i do, it will probably be some cheap way out, the way people wish for, lets take the easy road, its time to warp to the next level.. into a bigger better thing. just waiting for the pipe to appear. cause im a lazy bastard. looking for something to blame everything on, when i should just move on and be happy that im alive and am experiencing things.
i started dreaming about my father again, being in situations i would find him. i used to tell myself, oh hes just on vacation, hes out at a meeting somewhere, he'll return some day.. then id dream of his return.. and be so happy in my dream.. then id wake up and be like oh.... well now what. it was just a dream..
thats all my dreams have been lately.. except for the exceptionally odd ones.. real people in situations ive never seen them before.. sometimes it makes me wish id smoke more weed so i wouldnt remember them at all.. i dont want to see those parts of reality.. sometimes i wake up and think it actually happened even though i know it didnt. and have to reassure myself it happened in a dream. it wasnt reality, it was a dream.
ill leave on that.. i dont think i can say much more..
yet ive never felt the need to come and post anymore.
i see no one else though has really updated at all lately too.
whats going on in my life?
a relationship thats complicated.
a job in the bottom rung of life.. im a janitor for a place thats been deader than dead.. less work for me? whoo.. hahah.. i dont really know yet.. 8 - 12 hours shifts.. ive been told.. i havent started yet.. i start friday night though.
disconnected from family. when hasnt that been the case though..?
disconnected from friends maybe...
a summer of drinking and doing not much else..
and if i wasnt drinking i was probably somewhere getting high.
or if not, i was in the arms of my lady friend.. seeing how things would go this week.. hoping i have enough to entertain, or to keep the attention at a positive.. yes you can read this.. i dont know if you'll end up seeing it.. anyone can.
ive had quite the ideas pass through my fingers to text.. years of my life just posted here.. and some of them have been deleted as they were times i thought i wanted to lose.. but if i could.. id undelete them now and go over them again.. my history, how interesting its been. it always makes me think.. what will my future hold? will i do better eventually, will i ever really want to try make a good attempt at post secondary school.. can i make it with out it?
i know what it is now.. ive figured it out.. its not me.. but it is. i listen to what people tell me, everyone gives me praise.. i feel undeserved of it, so maybe i try do things to make myself seem like i shouldnt get it. and i just want to do the opposite of what people tell and think of me.. just so i can fade away into the shadows as i have.. yet no matter where i go or what i do.. i run into people who are there to show me something else.. to tell me other wise, but all i want is to experience i guess. i dont care about making it big, if i do, it will probably be some cheap way out, the way people wish for, lets take the easy road, its time to warp to the next level.. into a bigger better thing. just waiting for the pipe to appear. cause im a lazy bastard. looking for something to blame everything on, when i should just move on and be happy that im alive and am experiencing things.
i started dreaming about my father again, being in situations i would find him. i used to tell myself, oh hes just on vacation, hes out at a meeting somewhere, he'll return some day.. then id dream of his return.. and be so happy in my dream.. then id wake up and be like oh.... well now what. it was just a dream..
thats all my dreams have been lately.. except for the exceptionally odd ones.. real people in situations ive never seen them before.. sometimes it makes me wish id smoke more weed so i wouldnt remember them at all.. i dont want to see those parts of reality.. sometimes i wake up and think it actually happened even though i know it didnt. and have to reassure myself it happened in a dream. it wasnt reality, it was a dream.
ill leave on that.. i dont think i can say much more..