The bottom of the cinematic barrel
Okay, this is a "theme post" of sorts, containing reviews of what I believe to be the four worst movies I've reviewed. If you've seen these flicks, I'm sorry. If you haven't, please take this as a warning not to. It's Thursday, January 14th, and these movies just sucked royally.
All In
1.5 stars
Dominique Swain is vivacious, smart, and easy on the eyes. It really is a pity that she went absolutely nowhere after playing John Travolta's rebellious daughter in Face/Off. And by "absolutely nowhere," I mean "starring in films like All In." Some of the poker scenes in this movie were fun to watch, and Louis Gossett Jr. added a bit of much-needed class, but the believability meter of this movie fell through the floor after about fifteen minutes, and didn't rise much thereafter. The acting was shallow, the dialogue was minimal, the humor wasn't humorous, and the romance had no spark. Poker fans would enjoy this movie marginally...not sure if anyone else would at all.
The Haunting of Molly Hartley
1 star
Requirements for enjoying this movie are as follows:
1. Be female.
2. Be sixteen years of age, maximum.
3. Enjoy Gossip Girl and its ilk.
4. Don't care about plot, acting or script.
5. Be willing to suspend your disbelief--not at the movie's premise, but at the fact that it was even made into a movie in the first place.
6 (optional). Be asleep.
Really, if you've seen the preview for this movie, you've seen the movie. Don't waste almost 90 minutes on something you can see in 30 seconds.
13: Game of Death
0.5 stars
Okay, I'm getting personal on this one. For the first 3/4 of this movie, I'd have given it at least three stars, maybe close to four, as it pushed the envelope of what a human would do with nothing to lose and everything to gain. Gruesome, shocking, depraved, this film really plumbed the darker depths of one man's soul. And it had some great thrills and a couple solid laughs. But in the last part of the movie, and I don't care that this is a spoiler, it threw it all away. Not only did it have a great chance for a happy ending (or at least a satisfying one) and deny it, this film chose a message of amorality and self-advancement over one of humanity and compassion, and it had everything the protagonist had learned about himself come to nothing. I don't care if that supposedly shows the way people are, or are supposed to be, or whatever, it's a bait-and-switch tactic that I abhor in filmmaking and a message about humanity that I refuse to endorse. The good in human character should be celebrated, especially when it survives dark and bloody challenges like the ones this movie put forth. It should not be discarded as irrelevant and weak; it is neither. That's why this movie only gets half a star from me.
The Scorpion King 2: Rise of a Warrior
0 stars (would go negative if possible)
Here's what the people who made this flick should have done:
1. Watch the first Scorpion King--the lack of continuity between the two was ridiculous.
2. Remember in what period this story was set, and write dialogue accordingly. For serious, hearing "Guys" and "okay" and "you've got to be kidding me" in a movie set in pre-Christian civilzation was just jarring and laughable. And while you're at it, work on your ancient geography and culture.
3. Get your Greek mythology straight. The Minotaur, the underworld, black magic, gods and goddesses...all got mishmashed together like half-made applesauce. It was horrible.
4. At least make the action somewhat realistic and believable.
5. Suck a LOT less.
That is all.
Okay, now that all the crap is out of the way, we can get back to films I actually liked (or at least saw SOME merit in). Until then,
FBS
All In
1.5 stars
Dominique Swain is vivacious, smart, and easy on the eyes. It really is a pity that she went absolutely nowhere after playing John Travolta's rebellious daughter in Face/Off. And by "absolutely nowhere," I mean "starring in films like All In." Some of the poker scenes in this movie were fun to watch, and Louis Gossett Jr. added a bit of much-needed class, but the believability meter of this movie fell through the floor after about fifteen minutes, and didn't rise much thereafter. The acting was shallow, the dialogue was minimal, the humor wasn't humorous, and the romance had no spark. Poker fans would enjoy this movie marginally...not sure if anyone else would at all.
The Haunting of Molly Hartley
1 star
Requirements for enjoying this movie are as follows:
1. Be female.
2. Be sixteen years of age, maximum.
3. Enjoy Gossip Girl and its ilk.
4. Don't care about plot, acting or script.
5. Be willing to suspend your disbelief--not at the movie's premise, but at the fact that it was even made into a movie in the first place.
6 (optional). Be asleep.
Really, if you've seen the preview for this movie, you've seen the movie. Don't waste almost 90 minutes on something you can see in 30 seconds.
13: Game of Death
0.5 stars
Okay, I'm getting personal on this one. For the first 3/4 of this movie, I'd have given it at least three stars, maybe close to four, as it pushed the envelope of what a human would do with nothing to lose and everything to gain. Gruesome, shocking, depraved, this film really plumbed the darker depths of one man's soul. And it had some great thrills and a couple solid laughs. But in the last part of the movie, and I don't care that this is a spoiler, it threw it all away. Not only did it have a great chance for a happy ending (or at least a satisfying one) and deny it, this film chose a message of amorality and self-advancement over one of humanity and compassion, and it had everything the protagonist had learned about himself come to nothing. I don't care if that supposedly shows the way people are, or are supposed to be, or whatever, it's a bait-and-switch tactic that I abhor in filmmaking and a message about humanity that I refuse to endorse. The good in human character should be celebrated, especially when it survives dark and bloody challenges like the ones this movie put forth. It should not be discarded as irrelevant and weak; it is neither. That's why this movie only gets half a star from me.
The Scorpion King 2: Rise of a Warrior
0 stars (would go negative if possible)
Here's what the people who made this flick should have done:
1. Watch the first Scorpion King--the lack of continuity between the two was ridiculous.
2. Remember in what period this story was set, and write dialogue accordingly. For serious, hearing "Guys" and "okay" and "you've got to be kidding me" in a movie set in pre-Christian civilzation was just jarring and laughable. And while you're at it, work on your ancient geography and culture.
3. Get your Greek mythology straight. The Minotaur, the underworld, black magic, gods and goddesses...all got mishmashed together like half-made applesauce. It was horrible.
4. At least make the action somewhat realistic and believable.
5. Suck a LOT less.
That is all.
Okay, now that all the crap is out of the way, we can get back to films I actually liked (or at least saw SOME merit in). Until then,
FBS