(no subject)
Alcohol gives me this weird feeling of emptiness... It's always been the worse thing for me.
If I was destructive... that was always going to be what I went to. Always. I saw it ruin families, people, relationships, lives, my childhood. Alcohol was never a good thing... In any way.
When I drank for the first time... I did it to hurt someone... because I knew seeing me drunk would upset them. After that, it was because I didn't care about myself... I just wanted to hurt myself...
Sigh...
So much is messed up right now. For such strange reasons...
I just have to say that I hate Irvine.
At this point I even miss high school, and I hated high school.
People keep so much from each other, and it seems so pointless. So pointless. I mean in the end everyone has their reasons... I just wonder, how good do those reasons need to be, in order for things to be ok?
I've messed up. I regret it. I really do. I thought about things the wrong way. Now, someone is hurt, and they don't deserve it. I could say that it was because I didn't know where my loyalty was supposed to be. I could say that it was a promise that I made. I could say that I didn't think that they would believe me. Or that in the end it didn't actually matter what I said to them. I could say a lot of things to excuse myself... But in the end I knew it was wrong to hide it from them, and I still did it.
I just wish I had been strong enough to do the right thing, which always seems to be the hardest thing to do.
Sigh....
So thats one problem I have right now... then there is a this friend. A friend that I always wanted to have. Some one I wanted to be able to talk to once I was old with grandkids... Some one that I have shared so much with over the years. I've tried so hard to keep them as a friend... so hard. I have let so many things go. I have worked to patch up old wounds. I have really tried to be understanding and forgiving. I just don't know if I can keep it going.
I feel so hurt about things that have happened in the past, and that I don't think will end. I feel like its pointless to keep trying. I think I'm just going to get hurt, be confused... and god knows what else...
I just need to keep thinking about this one... I just know that there is so much at stake with this person. I know that if I can get in a better mood I can save the relationship... but then again, I know that it will make other relationships hard.
It's also hard to pull away, because I want to be there for them. I want them to be able to trust me, and let me help them with problems. I still want to be their friend. I don't want to see them suffer, and as a friend I can at least try and help....
If I was destructive... that was always going to be what I went to. Always. I saw it ruin families, people, relationships, lives, my childhood. Alcohol was never a good thing... In any way.
When I drank for the first time... I did it to hurt someone... because I knew seeing me drunk would upset them. After that, it was because I didn't care about myself... I just wanted to hurt myself...
Sigh...
So much is messed up right now. For such strange reasons...
I just have to say that I hate Irvine.
At this point I even miss high school, and I hated high school.
People keep so much from each other, and it seems so pointless. So pointless. I mean in the end everyone has their reasons... I just wonder, how good do those reasons need to be, in order for things to be ok?
I've messed up. I regret it. I really do. I thought about things the wrong way. Now, someone is hurt, and they don't deserve it. I could say that it was because I didn't know where my loyalty was supposed to be. I could say that it was a promise that I made. I could say that I didn't think that they would believe me. Or that in the end it didn't actually matter what I said to them. I could say a lot of things to excuse myself... But in the end I knew it was wrong to hide it from them, and I still did it.
I just wish I had been strong enough to do the right thing, which always seems to be the hardest thing to do.
Sigh....
So thats one problem I have right now... then there is a this friend. A friend that I always wanted to have. Some one I wanted to be able to talk to once I was old with grandkids... Some one that I have shared so much with over the years. I've tried so hard to keep them as a friend... so hard. I have let so many things go. I have worked to patch up old wounds. I have really tried to be understanding and forgiving. I just don't know if I can keep it going.
I feel so hurt about things that have happened in the past, and that I don't think will end. I feel like its pointless to keep trying. I think I'm just going to get hurt, be confused... and god knows what else...
I just need to keep thinking about this one... I just know that there is so much at stake with this person. I know that if I can get in a better mood I can save the relationship... but then again, I know that it will make other relationships hard.
It's also hard to pull away, because I want to be there for them. I want them to be able to trust me, and let me help them with problems. I still want to be their friend. I don't want to see them suffer, and as a friend I can at least try and help....