I need a vent....
Kinda really pissed off at the moment. I'm not sure why, but I am. Well really I know why it is. It's because I feel excluded. It's totally what goes around comes around. I snob my friends last year, certain friendships suffer from jealousy, and yet this year, the tables are turned. I get snobbed, and I'm the one who feels the jealousy. Jess is down this weekend, and while I don't necessarily want to see HER as such, when she's down generally it brings all the guys together, and I want to spend time with them as a group. Yet, I call up Oke, I hear them all in the background, and in my pathetic way I'm fishing for an invitation. Yet snobbed. Now I know he probably didn't mean to do it, but it's the way I felt. No come out with us or anything like that. But I understand, I will only inadvertantly cause shit to happen, and they just want to have a good time with her.
I don't know what happened to me to make me so loaded, decietful and self-destructive. I look at Oke and wonder how he can be so happy go-lucky and innocent all the time. What have I seen, what do I know? Fucking geelong. This is what I don't like about being back here. Because back here I have to deal with the darkness. Because back here I'm reminded everyday of the suide of myself that I despise. Because back here I'm surrounded by what I've lost. Now oke, dont take any offence or feel bad, I'm making to much of the call, it just embodied alot of my feelings, brought them to a head. To hear everyone in the background, it just seemed like a was being shut out, told that "I dont belong".
Melbourne is fresh, I can re-invent myself there without carrying the dull pain of memories. I can be clean and fresh and happy aswell. But in Geelong I can't. But I think that's enough of what I needed to get off my chest. All I know is that I really do need a girlfriend. It was strange at soma last night, because there was this awsome chick there who kept meeting my gaze, and who kept coming and dancing beside me. And although I new that she was interested, although I new the perfect moves, that I knew I wouldn't be rejected, I just didn't. It was like some force was holding me back, and I know what the force was, my own self image. But that's part of what I'm working on in the new phase. Meditating on image cards. Imagining myself being successful with women. I'm never rejected, but I never try, and so I never succeed. Its not a matter of fucking being rejected, it's that I never put myself out there, not once over the line into the danger zone. So all I can do is be bitter, and dark. Or I could choose not to be. WHich hopefully is what I'll soon be able to do. PcOwt ;) ~DP8
"Failure is a decision"
I don't know what happened to me to make me so loaded, decietful and self-destructive. I look at Oke and wonder how he can be so happy go-lucky and innocent all the time. What have I seen, what do I know? Fucking geelong. This is what I don't like about being back here. Because back here I have to deal with the darkness. Because back here I'm reminded everyday of the suide of myself that I despise. Because back here I'm surrounded by what I've lost. Now oke, dont take any offence or feel bad, I'm making to much of the call, it just embodied alot of my feelings, brought them to a head. To hear everyone in the background, it just seemed like a was being shut out, told that "I dont belong".
Melbourne is fresh, I can re-invent myself there without carrying the dull pain of memories. I can be clean and fresh and happy aswell. But in Geelong I can't. But I think that's enough of what I needed to get off my chest. All I know is that I really do need a girlfriend. It was strange at soma last night, because there was this awsome chick there who kept meeting my gaze, and who kept coming and dancing beside me. And although I new that she was interested, although I new the perfect moves, that I knew I wouldn't be rejected, I just didn't. It was like some force was holding me back, and I know what the force was, my own self image. But that's part of what I'm working on in the new phase. Meditating on image cards. Imagining myself being successful with women. I'm never rejected, but I never try, and so I never succeed. Its not a matter of fucking being rejected, it's that I never put myself out there, not once over the line into the danger zone. So all I can do is be bitter, and dark. Or I could choose not to be. WHich hopefully is what I'll soon be able to do. PcOwt ;) ~DP8
"Failure is a decision"