Fun times...
Trying to study whilst LOTR blares in the background is awsome fun. Also, my mind is going crazy, and note to all, to preserve sanity, if it feels good, do it. Or else you may find yourself thinking your way into a very massochistic complex, such as the one I'm in now. To feel deceived when you feel happy, because how can you know that its something you've done for you, or if your happiness is simply your reward, your carrot, because you've taken a step along the path nature intended for you. Sentience, the ability to see that truth, that in the end, we are without choice. I think I'm on the verge of going insane. I've opened the pandoras box of my crazy mind, and it's unleased a massive shit storm.
But also, my discovery has given me a challenge. The challenge of resisting nature. The immense force of evolution against me, against my sense of identity, which is attempting to deal with the realisation that everything I desire is mearly because I was meant to feel this way, that I'm being used by nature to ensure the survival of the species. I want a girlfriend, I want that closeness, yet with these new thoughts, I now see that as a surrender to ignorance. To give up mearly to be happy, something I cannot let myself do, thus can I be happy without despising myself? CRAZY! In this, I've found such a mental challenge, to resist all my natural parogatives, to declare celebacy, until I can truely determine what is me, and what is the beast inside me. It's a cereberal opponent, one which lies within me, and at anytime I wish, I can challenge it, and have a battle to shake the foundations of my sanity. Even to entertain the thought requires almost exhausting mental power. I just wrote that I dont posses it, then realised that without thinking I'd written it, damn nature undermining my efforts!!
In this realisation, it's like i've been given a backstage peak into the workings of the human mind. I've seen that all our motivations have their core from our deep seeded need to procreate, and then to provide a safe enviroment for our offspring. It leads one to ponder, WHAT THE FUCK OUR WE HERE FOR OTHER THEN TO FUCK LIKE RABBITS?!? I was in a cafe today, watching this new mother, looking on in rapture at her new born baby, the obvious love and utter happiness she was feeling. And it left me with a very bad taste in my mouth to think that her love for her child is mearly a chemical reaction in her brain, that ensures she cares for it, and will move heaven and earth to protect them. Also, that the happyness she was feeling, was simply nature throwing her a smacko, because she'd forfilled natures plan for her, and to encourage her to do it again. FUCKING MAKES ME SICK, that something so beautiful can be so tainted with deceipt. FUCK I AM GOING CRAZY! I am not meant to realize this shit, none of us are, its like that bit in the matrix, "System Error" appearing on the screen. My mind isnt built to be able to deal with thoughts like these.
It's kinda ultraly massochistic to even go down this path, that the only that I can now truely be happy is to deny the sources of happiness altogether!! I don't know what the fuck it means, but what I do know is that it makes me look on people with even more dispisement. So ignorant, "We make our own choices" "I'm so depressed because I havn't found love". ARRHRH, it explains so much. Is enlightenment to know only bitter pain and love yourself hourse at the irony of life (I hear ya Mat!)?! But it's the whole thing that I've always wanted to be a little bit insane. I truely beleive that behind every genious' mind, lurks insanity. But insanity brings us the kind of non-linear thinking where brilliance is unleashed. I love it, I feel like my mind is as dynamic as air, flowing and constantly changing, moving, floating, yet my feet are still firmly on the ground, glued fast by my immutable principles.
I thoroughly admit it now, the thought that I will never have a wife, never raise kids, never know the joy of fatherhood, and the experiences therein, is fucking frightening. And I truely doubt that I have the strength of mind to turn my back on them. How can I? I evolved to have that as my keenest desire, and that I would know only sadness if I went without. How can I reject it, I was born without a hope. It's what I was meant to do, by nature at least. But maybe I was intended by fate to fight agaist it. Maybe deep down I've always known this. Maybe that's why, even though I'm surrounded by eligible and attractive women, that I've always backed out at the last minute, because I knew it was giving in. Well its comforting at least to think that way lol. What the fuck use is sentience, if ultimately we have no choice?! Is it mearly for natures amusement, that when someone finally makes the realisation, such as me, that we're all unwitting (and unknowing) puppets, then realises that even with this knowledge, struggle against it is inevitably vain? Serenity now!!
Where do I go from here. I have an inherit hatred of ignorance, especially that of the self induced variety. Thus, I have the choice to 'forget' this entire thing ever happened, and inevitably end up hating myself for my weakness in surrender. Or, I choose to embrace the cold strength that this realisation affords me, sucked from the bossom of bitterness, and say GET FUCKED to nature. Or lastly, I find yet another alternative, which there always is. The choice, I leave to you. lol. This is gunna fukn drive me crazy. Alex, what happens there?! I've wanted her for so long, but do I now? Can I sit back and watch, watch as another guy comes and sweeps her off her feet and out of my life, all the time laughing half crazed at their stupid ignorance. With jealousy all the while knawing at me like a dog at a bone, not at their love, but of their stupidity. I would desire blind ignorance above all. To love with abandon, without resenting myself for my capitulation. Yet the way I feel know, can I ever understand it? Do I still want love? How can I want it when I know it's true face? I feel the desire within me to matyr myself, to turn my back on love. But wait and see we must, for we know not what the future holds. Ajorn this journal I must. PcOwt ;) ~DP8
But also, my discovery has given me a challenge. The challenge of resisting nature. The immense force of evolution against me, against my sense of identity, which is attempting to deal with the realisation that everything I desire is mearly because I was meant to feel this way, that I'm being used by nature to ensure the survival of the species. I want a girlfriend, I want that closeness, yet with these new thoughts, I now see that as a surrender to ignorance. To give up mearly to be happy, something I cannot let myself do, thus can I be happy without despising myself? CRAZY! In this, I've found such a mental challenge, to resist all my natural parogatives, to declare celebacy, until I can truely determine what is me, and what is the beast inside me. It's a cereberal opponent, one which lies within me, and at anytime I wish, I can challenge it, and have a battle to shake the foundations of my sanity. Even to entertain the thought requires almost exhausting mental power. I just wrote that I dont posses it, then realised that without thinking I'd written it, damn nature undermining my efforts!!
In this realisation, it's like i've been given a backstage peak into the workings of the human mind. I've seen that all our motivations have their core from our deep seeded need to procreate, and then to provide a safe enviroment for our offspring. It leads one to ponder, WHAT THE FUCK OUR WE HERE FOR OTHER THEN TO FUCK LIKE RABBITS?!? I was in a cafe today, watching this new mother, looking on in rapture at her new born baby, the obvious love and utter happiness she was feeling. And it left me with a very bad taste in my mouth to think that her love for her child is mearly a chemical reaction in her brain, that ensures she cares for it, and will move heaven and earth to protect them. Also, that the happyness she was feeling, was simply nature throwing her a smacko, because she'd forfilled natures plan for her, and to encourage her to do it again. FUCKING MAKES ME SICK, that something so beautiful can be so tainted with deceipt. FUCK I AM GOING CRAZY! I am not meant to realize this shit, none of us are, its like that bit in the matrix, "System Error" appearing on the screen. My mind isnt built to be able to deal with thoughts like these.
It's kinda ultraly massochistic to even go down this path, that the only that I can now truely be happy is to deny the sources of happiness altogether!! I don't know what the fuck it means, but what I do know is that it makes me look on people with even more dispisement. So ignorant, "We make our own choices" "I'm so depressed because I havn't found love". ARRHRH, it explains so much. Is enlightenment to know only bitter pain and love yourself hourse at the irony of life (I hear ya Mat!)?! But it's the whole thing that I've always wanted to be a little bit insane. I truely beleive that behind every genious' mind, lurks insanity. But insanity brings us the kind of non-linear thinking where brilliance is unleashed. I love it, I feel like my mind is as dynamic as air, flowing and constantly changing, moving, floating, yet my feet are still firmly on the ground, glued fast by my immutable principles.
I thoroughly admit it now, the thought that I will never have a wife, never raise kids, never know the joy of fatherhood, and the experiences therein, is fucking frightening. And I truely doubt that I have the strength of mind to turn my back on them. How can I? I evolved to have that as my keenest desire, and that I would know only sadness if I went without. How can I reject it, I was born without a hope. It's what I was meant to do, by nature at least. But maybe I was intended by fate to fight agaist it. Maybe deep down I've always known this. Maybe that's why, even though I'm surrounded by eligible and attractive women, that I've always backed out at the last minute, because I knew it was giving in. Well its comforting at least to think that way lol. What the fuck use is sentience, if ultimately we have no choice?! Is it mearly for natures amusement, that when someone finally makes the realisation, such as me, that we're all unwitting (and unknowing) puppets, then realises that even with this knowledge, struggle against it is inevitably vain? Serenity now!!
Where do I go from here. I have an inherit hatred of ignorance, especially that of the self induced variety. Thus, I have the choice to 'forget' this entire thing ever happened, and inevitably end up hating myself for my weakness in surrender. Or, I choose to embrace the cold strength that this realisation affords me, sucked from the bossom of bitterness, and say GET FUCKED to nature. Or lastly, I find yet another alternative, which there always is. The choice, I leave to you. lol. This is gunna fukn drive me crazy. Alex, what happens there?! I've wanted her for so long, but do I now? Can I sit back and watch, watch as another guy comes and sweeps her off her feet and out of my life, all the time laughing half crazed at their stupid ignorance. With jealousy all the while knawing at me like a dog at a bone, not at their love, but of their stupidity. I would desire blind ignorance above all. To love with abandon, without resenting myself for my capitulation. Yet the way I feel know, can I ever understand it? Do I still want love? How can I want it when I know it's true face? I feel the desire within me to matyr myself, to turn my back on love. But wait and see we must, for we know not what the future holds. Ajorn this journal I must. PcOwt ;) ~DP8