why fear death, be scared of living
This house is just so tense - the stress is beginning to take its toll on all of us, I think, and I'm hoping that despite this my mother's birthday tomorrow will go all right. I want it to be special for her, and the fact that everyone's so on edge about everything currently is worrying me. I've also been slightly...paranoid? I don't know why, and I can't really explain it or go into detail, but I think I'm just being really silly so I'm going to just ignore it and try to deal with it as best as I can. It's kind of theraputic to be listening to music, though, and for some reason that feels oddly like it's helping me cope with everything. Granted, things aren't that bad - not as bad as it's been before, so maybe I should just feel grateful. Anyways, I'm trying to stay optimistic and in a good mood, mostly for my mother (well, that's not true exactly; for the whole family) because I know how hard it is for everyone right now. I go back and forth between being proud of being the "strong one" and resenting it, but I know they need me, and they need me to be strong.
It's been raining today, which just adds to how somber everything seems, and I'll confess it's decidedly romantic. I'm so glad we've gotten rain! Rain is like a rarity here to be perfectly honest, and the plants, everything needs it. It's just so dry, and I know the rain won't help for long because it only rains briefly typically, but still. The littlest bit of it does help. I've been thinking since last night what I want to put in my mom's birthday card. Something like:
"Mom, you do so much for us, and I know I don't show my appreciation enough, so I want you to know how much I truly know I'm lucky to have you. I love you.
To the best mom in the world.
From, Abby."
Or something along those lines, anyways. I know it's kind of cheesy and I don't want to overdo it, but I'm kind of pleased with it. On anoher note, something I've just realized is how afraid I am to open up about anything, even privately, to people I trust. Maybe it's for the best that I don't talk about a lot of the stuff that's bothering me, but I hope through this journal I can kind of learn how to open up and how to let people into my life and tell people how I'm feeling.