deppresion
I miss my xanga but i need to rant this this will do for now. *sigh* it all started w/ fear....im scared of going to Rome. Scared that EVERYTHING will go wrong. From there it branched off to letting moms yellings get to me. Then i hacked what little self esteem i had and made it die. Theeennn i started to destroy myself and my feelings for Alex. Going over and over about how "he could never like me" and "he doesn't care." things like this. Then i just tried to ignore him to try to get over him since now i feel that im not good enough to be his friend. It doesnt help that when ever i try to talk to him about things that bug me when im done talking he says something like "And i should care y?" i mean he doesnt mean to hurt my feelings, i kno this but still it hurts and it makes em close off a bit more every time. He doesn't mean to hurt me, i kno this....no one does....well most of the time. It's just this is ALL too familiar ..speaking of all too familiar...i talked to Michael yesterday the whole time i was waiting for mom i was hoping he would write me back. *Courtney hates subs* *Courtney likes stupid teachers =]* *Courtney hates fat bitch teachers >>* lol anyway so i got home and he had not written me back BUT he did get online it was a short but sweet we're both having bad weeks and he made me feel better *Courtney loves clocks* idk it was just what i needed tho...thanks Sama! =]...but yes then mom was yelling at me for not being normal and always having something wrong w/ me and it got to me. Then i just started applying that to things like how lately Angel hasnt had time for me and Abbey never has time to talk and Vikki's Alex drama and i just started to think about things about like me never being normal and always a pain and things started to make since a dark since that i didnt want to face really...but i did. Like how Angel just doesnt want to have anything to do wit me and Abbey just wants me to leave her alone and stop bugging her and how i failed Vikki as a friend and thats y she turned on me...and especially about how i messed up Alex and how im just a pain. This led to more horrible thoughts about how hed be happier w/o me messing up his life and always causing him all this drama. And now things have snaped this morning and i think he hates me and im SURE hes mad at me i mean look at that boys temper how could he not be mad at me??? And he yelled at me said he really didnt care. "No, u just assume i don't what to hear it but fine i don't want to hear it." i just hope my 3 languaged hand will help. Prob not but one can only hope....ha ha Michael *gay Michael* said that he thinks im really pretty and that he's sure he has a crush on me...o Michael if only i could be like u
~Lucy~
~Lucy~