I hate this
I sick of being me. I'm so tired of being the person i have become. I hate caring about everything. I hate actually dwelling on things and thinking about things. I'm sick of all this stuff i have to put up with.
I'm supposed to be this person who could care less about anybody besides myself. I'm supposed to be a loner who just makes his way and moves on.
Yet i'm not. I can't be a coward and so when i get a thought in my head i carry through. I stand up for my friends. I stand up for people who won't do it. I won't back down from things that i put my mind and my heart to. I do things that make an ass out of me. I do things that piss people off, because i feel it is right.
I have so many problems. The worst one is probably my hero complex. I feel like i have to stand up for other, like i have to be strong for others. This is what's going to get me killed one day. That fact that i feel like i have to be there to help others and protect them. I hate it. It's destroying the person i was supposed to be.
I've become a fucking atrocity. I'm a horrible fucking messed up freak. I hate contemplation. Anymore no matter what happens i'm consumed with hate. Hell, i've shed most of my feelings so as to be stronger in that sense.
Every part of me and my being conflict. I hate this. So many things i've done and yet it seems to mean nothing. No matter what, it's all for nothing.
People put their trust in me. They think i'm their friend. It's irritating cause i get suckered in and become friends with them. I can't seperate myself from these people. It goes against the ways that i've learned.
Now the things that i've grown up with is one thing. But these don't partake to anything. Those are just honor issues and more or less make up the hero complex, probably.
But i was never supposed to fall for anyone. I was never supposed to have trust put in. I was never supposed to be in the situations i get put into. Not the situations i get put into but the situations i put myself into. If it's one thing i've learned, you don't have your choices made, you make your own. Your path is not chosen already, you are the one who chooses it and follows through with your own decisions.
I'm sick of all the stuff that is said. I'm sick of people giving me their opinions and thinking i care. I've learned if you get on my nerves i don't care about your opinion. I know to deal without being with people. So i've learned to ignore alot of bullshit and not care what others have to say. I'm a human, i've learned to adapt to the places i've been. I learn to adapt. I know that i'm not a good person but yet for some reason i try to be. People try to convince me that i am. How do they know, for nobody knows me. Nobody knows my true past. Nobody knows me. I don't think that i can really open up to anybody about it. It's a conflict i have. I don't think i have the ability to put too much trust in people. Yet it seems everyone will put their trust in me.
I hate this damned contradiction. That is what i live not a life but a contradiction.
I won't give up, that's just not me. There is something though that i will do to remind me of things, things of the past. Something that will hopefully remain with me for a while at least.
Also if anybody is up to playing some basketball or raquetball at Mag's let me know. I wouldn't mind getting to play some fun sports with friends again. Maybe do some weightlifting too.
Whatever. Just drop a comment if you feel like maybe doing something.
I'm supposed to be this person who could care less about anybody besides myself. I'm supposed to be a loner who just makes his way and moves on.
Yet i'm not. I can't be a coward and so when i get a thought in my head i carry through. I stand up for my friends. I stand up for people who won't do it. I won't back down from things that i put my mind and my heart to. I do things that make an ass out of me. I do things that piss people off, because i feel it is right.
I have so many problems. The worst one is probably my hero complex. I feel like i have to stand up for other, like i have to be strong for others. This is what's going to get me killed one day. That fact that i feel like i have to be there to help others and protect them. I hate it. It's destroying the person i was supposed to be.
I've become a fucking atrocity. I'm a horrible fucking messed up freak. I hate contemplation. Anymore no matter what happens i'm consumed with hate. Hell, i've shed most of my feelings so as to be stronger in that sense.
Every part of me and my being conflict. I hate this. So many things i've done and yet it seems to mean nothing. No matter what, it's all for nothing.
People put their trust in me. They think i'm their friend. It's irritating cause i get suckered in and become friends with them. I can't seperate myself from these people. It goes against the ways that i've learned.
Now the things that i've grown up with is one thing. But these don't partake to anything. Those are just honor issues and more or less make up the hero complex, probably.
But i was never supposed to fall for anyone. I was never supposed to have trust put in. I was never supposed to be in the situations i get put into. Not the situations i get put into but the situations i put myself into. If it's one thing i've learned, you don't have your choices made, you make your own. Your path is not chosen already, you are the one who chooses it and follows through with your own decisions.
I'm sick of all the stuff that is said. I'm sick of people giving me their opinions and thinking i care. I've learned if you get on my nerves i don't care about your opinion. I know to deal without being with people. So i've learned to ignore alot of bullshit and not care what others have to say. I'm a human, i've learned to adapt to the places i've been. I learn to adapt. I know that i'm not a good person but yet for some reason i try to be. People try to convince me that i am. How do they know, for nobody knows me. Nobody knows my true past. Nobody knows me. I don't think that i can really open up to anybody about it. It's a conflict i have. I don't think i have the ability to put too much trust in people. Yet it seems everyone will put their trust in me.
I hate this damned contradiction. That is what i live not a life but a contradiction.
I won't give up, that's just not me. There is something though that i will do to remind me of things, things of the past. Something that will hopefully remain with me for a while at least.
Also if anybody is up to playing some basketball or raquetball at Mag's let me know. I wouldn't mind getting to play some fun sports with friends again. Maybe do some weightlifting too.
Whatever. Just drop a comment if you feel like maybe doing something.