She's the one left out in the cold, the one who's always & never alone.
I can already tell it's going to be a restless summer. The past few years I've had big trips planned, with a reason to look forward to the beginning of a new school year. This year though, I'm in Pullman, looking forward to nothing. I'm trying hard to remind myself that I actually have A LOT to be excited about, but that it's simply different than the things I've had planned in the past. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that this time, this year, my exciting adventures begin & end with what I'm capable of. It's not a trip, planned, paid for, & ready to go. It's research - prepared, executed, written, & presented by me. It's the GRE, that I can either rock or fail. It's graduate schools that can either accept me or deny me. It's all on ME & MY capabilities. & it's not really that I think I'm incapable - it's just fear. You can't have success without a little fear, but I really am scared. I just hope it's all worth it. & I think before I can embark on this high-stress chapter of my life, I need a break. A vacation. A good long sleep. Something that doesn't involve literature reviews & IRB's & grant applications & other academically life-threatening things. The thing is, I don't think I'll get one. Maybe I can escape into my dreams of what I think the future might look like.