Graffiti on my body
Things have been looking up lately, I swear my life is like a constant sea tide.
Yesterday was fairly wonderful, as we helped at a homeless shelter to cook and feed the hungry. Though it posed to be a very tiring day, it was extremely rewarding. I felt full of life again. Unafraid. Excited. Of all things, even hyper.
I'm also currently reveling in the warmth of my new ambitions. I am hopeful and determined. I have something to look forward to. This hasn't happened since I was 12 and heading up to Disney. Everything had become so lifeless and dull. See, because I had seen through the eyes of the creator, nothing harnessed magic much anymore. Again, the tides seem to be changing. Excitement no longer seems to come in the form of overly promoted cartoon characters- it comes at the chance of being able to live a happy life.
"The pain I feel deep inside, that all too soon we will die, not really knowing how it feels to be alive". How fitting are the lyrics to the song I'm currently listening to.
In a counter note, I'm still lost in overwhelming loneliness. I'd be terrified to feel what it would be without my wife. I see photos of happiness and communion and can't help but look at myself and wonder where I went wrong. I feel like damaged goods, or scrap metal; the left over gray paint on the pallet that gets washed away. The unseeing artist failed to see beneath the gray at my underlying hints of color that are just screaming to break though.
In a sense, I am actually half grateful for these feelings. They are part of the essential core of who I used to be. I remember feeling this way since childhood. I've always been the one alienated, no matter how closely I resemble the puzzle piece that actually fits.
I remember watching "Friends" once or twice, and feeling at a loss. It's not a wonder as to why that show was never really one of my favorites. I suppose the lone wolf always pays a bit of shameful envy toward those in a pack. But that's alright, at least I can reflect upon myself and note that I am an honest creature. That's my silver lining, I suppose.