αἰὲν ἀριστεύειν
~March 20th~
Logos had been acting strange today. She'd catch him occasionally glancing at her with some unspoken look of anxiety off and on during the entire session. He had also been uncharacteristically quiet.
"I didn't know someone could be released from the Pax Arcanum," she said, setting down the book in her lap.
"It has never before been done. Or been necessary," The Corpus Author replied.
"With a critical fight like this, wouldn't it just be easier to release all of you?"
"The world would be torn apart if we all could use the full scope of our powers on Earth." He shook his head, "There would be nothing left to save. Lissa has the best chance among us to defeat him in a direct battle."
"Oh, I see."
"You have figured out what you will do?"
"Yeah," she sighed a little sadly. "April said she'd do it. She volunteered."
"I had a feeling she would," he said candidly. "It is her selfless nature and desire to help you that drove her to this decision. Do not feel guilty for a choice you are not forcing on her." Zohar nodded. It didn't make her feel any better about it, though. "She'll survive it and live a long and healthy life. Not all have the same aspirations as you, my dear. She will find fulfillment in her own way."
"I guess it helps to think about it like that."
He smiled, turning back to his own reading. Silence hung over the two of them for some time. The occasional looks of concern still crossed his face.
"Okay, spill," she said, finally, no longer able to ignore it. "There's something wrong. Tell me? Please?"
He looked up slowly from his book, setting down his quill and pausing in the little notes he was making in the margins. "Have you decided on what you will do after this fight?"
"Mostly, I think. But I thought I already told you."
"I was not referring to merely repairing the Celestial Ladder."
"Oh. Well, I suppose I'll take a vacation for a little while. Then I'll finish what I've been working on for the past few years. Finally." She smiled. "And after that... well, there's the next Mystery. You and I both know I've been headed there."
He nodded but said nothing for a few moments. He appeared thoughtful, sad but thoughtful, then finally responded. "There are some things I have refrained from telling you. I still have reservations about doing so, but I must admit... I... have grown fond of your visits. There are some things I wish for you to understand before you continue on this path."
"What is that?"
"You cannot fail in pursuit of the Mystery again."
"I don't intend on failing."
"You are missing the point," he said, glancing away. "To walk that path one must either succeed... or die. Or... worse. Some return but are no longer... themselves." He looked grim. "That you survived it and came back whole was only due to interventions the likes of which even I cannot command. It is an intervention you cannot expect to have again. You have the inexplicable luxury of knowing what test lies at the end. If you choose to find that place again, your choices are to finish it, and accept all that it entails, or to die in some form or fashion. None of which are pleasant. "
"Damn," she said, deflating. "I... didn't know."
"You have another choice, however. You could simply not attempt it again. It would not be such a terrible outcome. You could easily spend the rest of your life as the Hausamet. The Order has flourished under your care, and you know that there could easily be instances when they could use the guidance you have to offer. You could have the things you've been wanting for a long time, a life with someone you love, a family to call your own."
"But... if I don't attain that Mystery, how will I ever be enlightened enough to heal the sadness of this place? The Song, it's in my head. It's always in my head. And sometimes it's all I can do not to listen and cry. I've been trying to find the answers to this for so long, I can't just give up now. And I feel like I'm so close. I've figured out connections I never would have before. I have plans, ideas..."
"I'm sorry," he said, looking down sadly. "I'm so, so sorry, Zohar. But you cannot attempt to reunite this Artifact with its remaining components."
"I... don't understand," she said, looking a little stricken. "Do you even know what I plan on doing?"
"I know you have figured out the connection between The Metachronal Clock, the Antikythera Mechanism, and the object you call AZM. And you would be correct. The Clock is the vehicle, the Mechanism sets the date, and the AZM provides a power source. Origin, time, destination. You intend on reuniting them."
"The Clock is sentient. It needs to be put back together.... I can't even think about all the years it's been separated from those parts of itself. The lonliness. And I don't think I can deal with this sad song in my head for the rest of my life. I have the pull to do it. I've been so quiet I could pull it off without anyone trying to mess with it. What in the world would even stop me?"
"I would. And I'm truly sorry. I really, really am. But the Clock was disassembled for a reason."
"What? Why?"
"For something like that to fall into the wrong hands would mean doom for all of Creation. Not even all the power of the Archmasters, Oracles, and Exarchs alike would be able to stop a person who truly had unfettered access to all dimensions and all of Time and Space. I realized what we had and took that responsibility for separating the pieces, ensuring each was sent to where it would be safe."
"So you did what... dissected it? It's a being, and it's in pain. And it's in my head. All the time. I have to do something. I promised..." she swallowed a lump in her throat and tried to hold back tears of utter frustration and dismay. "It's what all this stuff with the Frequencies have been leading me towards for years. It's been my life's true work..."
He sighed again. "I am afraid you may have misunderstood the nature of the Frequencies."
"Oh god, this is a nightmare, you've got to be kidding me." Zohar covered her face with her hands.
"I don't mean to upset you. And to your credit you've been mostly right about them, just not entirely right."
"Just... tell me where I'm wrong then..." she said from behind her hands.
"The aspects you've uncovered, being attached to things and people all do in fact correspond with the Imperial Mysteries. But they are separate from the things themselves. Added into their patterns as part of an underlying puzzle, meant to be solved by those clever enough to find it. And you did. What you carry from the Clock was you tapping into that, starting your path to those Mysteries. You are not meant to heal the Clock. It is sad, so very sad, but that is simply the way it must be."
"So I've failed," she said, now feeling tears on the palms of her hands.
"No, you have not. You are still walking on the path meant for you, even if you thought the destination would be different. The secrets of the Frequencies are still yours to unfold." Zohar didn't answer him. She was lost in her own grief. The truths he'd given her were heavy and consuming. She wished at the moment he had left her in the dark. The things that were driving her the most were either meant to be cut away, or were never obtainable to begin with. It was not something she could accept, even though if reality itself wouldn't enforce them, Logos would.
He stood up and walked over to her. "I tell you these things because.... I do not wish to see a future in which you are gone, or consumed with a thing that can never be. I don't want you to be hurt. I really am... sorry."
When she finally looked up, she saw he had vanished from the room. She stayed where she was, letting herself cry alone in the library. There were no solutions, no answers, no plans now coming to mind. In her head and all around her the Song of the Clock continued its eternal sound. She wanted to defy it all, every narrow set of choices, every restriction, every imposed rule. Her heart railed against everything, but she had no idea how to overcome them. For all she knew it could take the rest of her life figuring that out, if she ever could.
Logos had been acting strange today. She'd catch him occasionally glancing at her with some unspoken look of anxiety off and on during the entire session. He had also been uncharacteristically quiet.
"I didn't know someone could be released from the Pax Arcanum," she said, setting down the book in her lap.
"It has never before been done. Or been necessary," The Corpus Author replied.
"With a critical fight like this, wouldn't it just be easier to release all of you?"
"The world would be torn apart if we all could use the full scope of our powers on Earth." He shook his head, "There would be nothing left to save. Lissa has the best chance among us to defeat him in a direct battle."
"Oh, I see."
"You have figured out what you will do?"
"Yeah," she sighed a little sadly. "April said she'd do it. She volunteered."
"I had a feeling she would," he said candidly. "It is her selfless nature and desire to help you that drove her to this decision. Do not feel guilty for a choice you are not forcing on her." Zohar nodded. It didn't make her feel any better about it, though. "She'll survive it and live a long and healthy life. Not all have the same aspirations as you, my dear. She will find fulfillment in her own way."
"I guess it helps to think about it like that."
He smiled, turning back to his own reading. Silence hung over the two of them for some time. The occasional looks of concern still crossed his face.
"Okay, spill," she said, finally, no longer able to ignore it. "There's something wrong. Tell me? Please?"
He looked up slowly from his book, setting down his quill and pausing in the little notes he was making in the margins. "Have you decided on what you will do after this fight?"
"Mostly, I think. But I thought I already told you."
"I was not referring to merely repairing the Celestial Ladder."
"Oh. Well, I suppose I'll take a vacation for a little while. Then I'll finish what I've been working on for the past few years. Finally." She smiled. "And after that... well, there's the next Mystery. You and I both know I've been headed there."
He nodded but said nothing for a few moments. He appeared thoughtful, sad but thoughtful, then finally responded. "There are some things I have refrained from telling you. I still have reservations about doing so, but I must admit... I... have grown fond of your visits. There are some things I wish for you to understand before you continue on this path."
"What is that?"
"You cannot fail in pursuit of the Mystery again."
"I don't intend on failing."
"You are missing the point," he said, glancing away. "To walk that path one must either succeed... or die. Or... worse. Some return but are no longer... themselves." He looked grim. "That you survived it and came back whole was only due to interventions the likes of which even I cannot command. It is an intervention you cannot expect to have again. You have the inexplicable luxury of knowing what test lies at the end. If you choose to find that place again, your choices are to finish it, and accept all that it entails, or to die in some form or fashion. None of which are pleasant. "
"Damn," she said, deflating. "I... didn't know."
"You have another choice, however. You could simply not attempt it again. It would not be such a terrible outcome. You could easily spend the rest of your life as the Hausamet. The Order has flourished under your care, and you know that there could easily be instances when they could use the guidance you have to offer. You could have the things you've been wanting for a long time, a life with someone you love, a family to call your own."
"But... if I don't attain that Mystery, how will I ever be enlightened enough to heal the sadness of this place? The Song, it's in my head. It's always in my head. And sometimes it's all I can do not to listen and cry. I've been trying to find the answers to this for so long, I can't just give up now. And I feel like I'm so close. I've figured out connections I never would have before. I have plans, ideas..."
"I'm sorry," he said, looking down sadly. "I'm so, so sorry, Zohar. But you cannot attempt to reunite this Artifact with its remaining components."
"I... don't understand," she said, looking a little stricken. "Do you even know what I plan on doing?"
"I know you have figured out the connection between The Metachronal Clock, the Antikythera Mechanism, and the object you call AZM. And you would be correct. The Clock is the vehicle, the Mechanism sets the date, and the AZM provides a power source. Origin, time, destination. You intend on reuniting them."
"The Clock is sentient. It needs to be put back together.... I can't even think about all the years it's been separated from those parts of itself. The lonliness. And I don't think I can deal with this sad song in my head for the rest of my life. I have the pull to do it. I've been so quiet I could pull it off without anyone trying to mess with it. What in the world would even stop me?"
"I would. And I'm truly sorry. I really, really am. But the Clock was disassembled for a reason."
"What? Why?"
"For something like that to fall into the wrong hands would mean doom for all of Creation. Not even all the power of the Archmasters, Oracles, and Exarchs alike would be able to stop a person who truly had unfettered access to all dimensions and all of Time and Space. I realized what we had and took that responsibility for separating the pieces, ensuring each was sent to where it would be safe."
"So you did what... dissected it? It's a being, and it's in pain. And it's in my head. All the time. I have to do something. I promised..." she swallowed a lump in her throat and tried to hold back tears of utter frustration and dismay. "It's what all this stuff with the Frequencies have been leading me towards for years. It's been my life's true work..."
He sighed again. "I am afraid you may have misunderstood the nature of the Frequencies."
"Oh god, this is a nightmare, you've got to be kidding me." Zohar covered her face with her hands.
"I don't mean to upset you. And to your credit you've been mostly right about them, just not entirely right."
"Just... tell me where I'm wrong then..." she said from behind her hands.
"The aspects you've uncovered, being attached to things and people all do in fact correspond with the Imperial Mysteries. But they are separate from the things themselves. Added into their patterns as part of an underlying puzzle, meant to be solved by those clever enough to find it. And you did. What you carry from the Clock was you tapping into that, starting your path to those Mysteries. You are not meant to heal the Clock. It is sad, so very sad, but that is simply the way it must be."
"So I've failed," she said, now feeling tears on the palms of her hands.
"No, you have not. You are still walking on the path meant for you, even if you thought the destination would be different. The secrets of the Frequencies are still yours to unfold." Zohar didn't answer him. She was lost in her own grief. The truths he'd given her were heavy and consuming. She wished at the moment he had left her in the dark. The things that were driving her the most were either meant to be cut away, or were never obtainable to begin with. It was not something she could accept, even though if reality itself wouldn't enforce them, Logos would.
He stood up and walked over to her. "I tell you these things because.... I do not wish to see a future in which you are gone, or consumed with a thing that can never be. I don't want you to be hurt. I really am... sorry."
When she finally looked up, she saw he had vanished from the room. She stayed where she was, letting herself cry alone in the library. There were no solutions, no answers, no plans now coming to mind. In her head and all around her the Song of the Clock continued its eternal sound. She wanted to defy it all, every narrow set of choices, every restriction, every imposed rule. Her heart railed against everything, but she had no idea how to overcome them. For all she knew it could take the rest of her life figuring that out, if she ever could.