How Teemu and I will take over the world #1
Warning: Even if you're reading this, you'll not be able to stop us and our plans. You're too stupid to be a problem for us. So, please, read and join the show.
Everything started when Teemu and I noticed the two of us were the greatest, most intelligent, funny and clever persons we'd ever met. Uhm... well. Maybe that was after. First there was… oh, yeah, the apepowerplant. Please, run to chapter 1.
Really, everything was born from this. It was a lazy, sunny afternoon somewhere around September 2006, when a strange idea came up to our minds. “How can they bring us electricity?” That was a big question. But quickly solved: hamsters, millions of hamsters running in their wheels, always rolling, rolling, rolling. Then, the thing could stop there and now we wouldn’t be at this point, and you, dear stupid reader, wouldn't be at this page. But the thing didn't stop.
That image of millions of kinda mice in their wheels was too evocative to let it go without spending another little time. Too evocative to let it go without trying to make money out of it.
Then, the flash. The blaze.
“We could make our own hamster power plant.”
“Good idea. Hamsters are cool.”
At first, the hamsters seemed to be the best choice for the two of us. Cheap, stupid, cute and so, so, SO softly hairy. I thought they could satisfy our will of tenderness, too. Looking at them rolling rolling rolling could make us better persons. Could warm our cold, dead hearts.
“We could start with a couple and make a dynasty”, was Teemu’s suggestion.
“Mmm. What do you think about apes?”
“Apes? But we can’t. They use them for medical experiments.”
Medical experiments were a big problem. It was the human gender’s safety we were playing with. All those poor children dying for Ebola or TBC and no apes dying at their place? We couldn’t stop the researches. But…
“We could make them run while having their electrodes on and their mortal viruses’ in their blood at the same time.”
Well, that was really great. The hamsters went off, substituted by a lot of dirty, stinking apes running in their human-size wheels and eating their own fleas each other. Not so cute yet, but… you know, it’s business. We saved tenderness for another time.
Of course, as Simpsons teach us, can’t exist a power plant without that good, wise set of cruelness, slavery, lashes and inhumanity. As you can imagine yourself, a power plant without cruel heads is just nothing. What can you do with kinda 1,000 apes arranged somewhere and no one who takes as much advantage as he can from them?
We decided that Third-World children could be a good substitute while our couple of apes would reproduce and start our farm. Just to show our loyalty each other, we offered our brothers to the sake, respectively a little brother and a big one each other. After doing this blood pact, we felt more linked the one to the other.
Then, we decided where to place it first. Where do both apes and Third-World children live? Africa, probably. Africa seemed too far from both of us, and, of course, full of mortal diseases which could take us too. No matter for the apes or kids, of course, but you know, we couldn’t die just at the beginning of our plan.
So, not Africa. Finland, The Boss’ nation, was void of both apes and Third-World children. Damned rich phone-makers.
Well, Italy seemed the last and best choice. Strategically positioned, hot enough for apes, near enough to Africa, and full, full, full of Third-World immigrants whose children we could kidnap.
1-0 for me and Italy, honey.
Well, apepowerplant (before third-world-children-and-brothers-powerplant) could have been a great and lucrative experience, but just for a little time. Sooner or later, they would find our inhuman way to manage it and ruin everything.
How could we make money even out of our fall? The answer in the next chapter.
Everything started when Teemu and I noticed the two of us were the greatest, most intelligent, funny and clever persons we'd ever met. Uhm... well. Maybe that was after. First there was… oh, yeah, the apepowerplant. Please, run to chapter 1.
Really, everything was born from this. It was a lazy, sunny afternoon somewhere around September 2006, when a strange idea came up to our minds. “How can they bring us electricity?” That was a big question. But quickly solved: hamsters, millions of hamsters running in their wheels, always rolling, rolling, rolling. Then, the thing could stop there and now we wouldn’t be at this point, and you, dear stupid reader, wouldn't be at this page. But the thing didn't stop.
That image of millions of kinda mice in their wheels was too evocative to let it go without spending another little time. Too evocative to let it go without trying to make money out of it.
Then, the flash. The blaze.
“We could make our own hamster power plant.”
“Good idea. Hamsters are cool.”
At first, the hamsters seemed to be the best choice for the two of us. Cheap, stupid, cute and so, so, SO softly hairy. I thought they could satisfy our will of tenderness, too. Looking at them rolling rolling rolling could make us better persons. Could warm our cold, dead hearts.
“We could start with a couple and make a dynasty”, was Teemu’s suggestion.
“Mmm. What do you think about apes?”
“Apes? But we can’t. They use them for medical experiments.”
Medical experiments were a big problem. It was the human gender’s safety we were playing with. All those poor children dying for Ebola or TBC and no apes dying at their place? We couldn’t stop the researches. But…
“We could make them run while having their electrodes on and their mortal viruses’ in their blood at the same time.”
Well, that was really great. The hamsters went off, substituted by a lot of dirty, stinking apes running in their human-size wheels and eating their own fleas each other. Not so cute yet, but… you know, it’s business. We saved tenderness for another time.
Of course, as Simpsons teach us, can’t exist a power plant without that good, wise set of cruelness, slavery, lashes and inhumanity. As you can imagine yourself, a power plant without cruel heads is just nothing. What can you do with kinda 1,000 apes arranged somewhere and no one who takes as much advantage as he can from them?
We decided that Third-World children could be a good substitute while our couple of apes would reproduce and start our farm. Just to show our loyalty each other, we offered our brothers to the sake, respectively a little brother and a big one each other. After doing this blood pact, we felt more linked the one to the other.
Then, we decided where to place it first. Where do both apes and Third-World children live? Africa, probably. Africa seemed too far from both of us, and, of course, full of mortal diseases which could take us too. No matter for the apes or kids, of course, but you know, we couldn’t die just at the beginning of our plan.
So, not Africa. Finland, The Boss’ nation, was void of both apes and Third-World children. Damned rich phone-makers.
Well, Italy seemed the last and best choice. Strategically positioned, hot enough for apes, near enough to Africa, and full, full, full of Third-World immigrants whose children we could kidnap.
1-0 for me and Italy, honey.
Well, apepowerplant (before third-world-children-and-brothers-powerplant) could have been a great and lucrative experience, but just for a little time. Sooner or later, they would find our inhuman way to manage it and ruin everything.
How could we make money even out of our fall? The answer in the next chapter.