putting things into perspective, into a nice neat little frame
my life is a mess, i'm not even going to act like it isn't or that I'm happy with it. so far there are mere fragments that i would trade for anything but then there is the whole that i some times wish i can return with out any receipt or store credit. i'm miserable but happy, i'm terrified of tomorrow but excited for the journey and my experiences.
Musically by now I should be at my all time highest and ready to win a grammy; at least that's what i think should happen by now. Though completely thank full for my time singing with Trent and his band I've realized my music has to take a perminate halt, okay maybe not so perminate but right now it has to. I've tried to play by the rules, to sound good yet pleasing to everything I believe in. I'm not satisfied, I'm more disapointed with myself for allowing the idea of singing for the music is a good idea, because no one anymore wants to listen to music, they want to listen to their own ideas projected into someone whom they find stellar and utterly amazing. I'm more for just sounding cool and wanting to express myself. I'm more for me then anyone else. Managers did like what they heard, I loved what I was playing but ultimately when you're work is your child, and your child is being told it's not good enough you try to protect it as much as you can, even some times walking away can be the best you can do. I did sell a few records and I more then anything gained a knowledge from the crowd, an energy I can only descibe as bliss, and a friendship I can only describe as validation.
My significant other seems be nothing more then a glorified friend, and my feelings for someone else. he's great, everything I could have ever wanted in myself, in my lover, in my heart, but I'm just not there... I'm not ready for him, I'm not interested I should say in him and I don't think I ever was. I just think he was someone that was good to me and I got carried away with an idea. A dream I'm just not interested in. Which is funny since it seems I'm more interested in something else, in someone else which is confusing me more then anything ever has because wouldn't I want someone good to me, wouldn't i want someone who wants me back and isn't scared of telling me that, of holding me and wanting to make love to me all over again when we're done? Wouldn't I want to be happy and be in love with someone who wasn't unsure, needed me to be something else, somenoe else for me to hear them say that? I'm attracted to someone who has told me no, who has made me feel like a lot of mistakes where my fault, that my insecurities are not allowed and are not welcomed. I'm waiting for someone who isn't even there when I close my eyes anymore because I'm afraid to close my eyes to think of him. I'm afaid he'll laugh at me, he'll hurt me, stab me in the back and want me to come back for more. I'm afraid he'll want me back and I'll say yes, absolutely.
my parents are leaving, or are at least planning on leaving and in that act it starting to make me worried. I'm going to be alone and this time it's for real. i'm so tired of people saying their your friends and that they'll always be around but their lying, we're all lying to ourselves if we even think it or even mean it with every intention of following through with it but never do. I'm mean yes when it comes to my friends, because i'm a mess with out them but i'm even more of a mess because of them, because of myself. and when i want to just pack up and go it's starting to get easier to justify leaving them, since they are not around, since they are the ones whom said it and ended up being just like me, alone, of out reach, and completely out of contact.
I'm lost
steven
Musically by now I should be at my all time highest and ready to win a grammy; at least that's what i think should happen by now. Though completely thank full for my time singing with Trent and his band I've realized my music has to take a perminate halt, okay maybe not so perminate but right now it has to. I've tried to play by the rules, to sound good yet pleasing to everything I believe in. I'm not satisfied, I'm more disapointed with myself for allowing the idea of singing for the music is a good idea, because no one anymore wants to listen to music, they want to listen to their own ideas projected into someone whom they find stellar and utterly amazing. I'm more for just sounding cool and wanting to express myself. I'm more for me then anyone else. Managers did like what they heard, I loved what I was playing but ultimately when you're work is your child, and your child is being told it's not good enough you try to protect it as much as you can, even some times walking away can be the best you can do. I did sell a few records and I more then anything gained a knowledge from the crowd, an energy I can only descibe as bliss, and a friendship I can only describe as validation.
My significant other seems be nothing more then a glorified friend, and my feelings for someone else. he's great, everything I could have ever wanted in myself, in my lover, in my heart, but I'm just not there... I'm not ready for him, I'm not interested I should say in him and I don't think I ever was. I just think he was someone that was good to me and I got carried away with an idea. A dream I'm just not interested in. Which is funny since it seems I'm more interested in something else, in someone else which is confusing me more then anything ever has because wouldn't I want someone good to me, wouldn't i want someone who wants me back and isn't scared of telling me that, of holding me and wanting to make love to me all over again when we're done? Wouldn't I want to be happy and be in love with someone who wasn't unsure, needed me to be something else, somenoe else for me to hear them say that? I'm attracted to someone who has told me no, who has made me feel like a lot of mistakes where my fault, that my insecurities are not allowed and are not welcomed. I'm waiting for someone who isn't even there when I close my eyes anymore because I'm afraid to close my eyes to think of him. I'm afaid he'll laugh at me, he'll hurt me, stab me in the back and want me to come back for more. I'm afraid he'll want me back and I'll say yes, absolutely.
my parents are leaving, or are at least planning on leaving and in that act it starting to make me worried. I'm going to be alone and this time it's for real. i'm so tired of people saying their your friends and that they'll always be around but their lying, we're all lying to ourselves if we even think it or even mean it with every intention of following through with it but never do. I'm mean yes when it comes to my friends, because i'm a mess with out them but i'm even more of a mess because of them, because of myself. and when i want to just pack up and go it's starting to get easier to justify leaving them, since they are not around, since they are the ones whom said it and ended up being just like me, alone, of out reach, and completely out of contact.
I'm lost
steven