My Fictional Boyfriends (picspam)
I've seen this meme going round, and thought I'd do it while taking a break from working on my thesis and being imminently jobless and homeless (no, I'm not a massive ball of panicky panic, why do you ask?)
The Old Enough to be My Father But I Still Would: Henri Ducard from Batman Begins. In fact, pretty much any role played by Liam Neeson. It's somewhat complicated by the fact that any character played by Liam Neeson has a much higher than average likelihood of dying before the film is out, but what can you do?
The Drinking Buddy Who I Would Allow to Take Advantage: Helo from BSG. Don't get me wrong, I love Helo, I think he's a wonderful character, and a very tasty hunk of manmeat to boot - but his periodic bursts of 'I Am A Virtuous Man Fighting Alone For Truth, Justice, Tolerance And Everything That Is Good But No One Else Understands' would irritate the hell out of me in a long term boyfriend. Sooner or later I'd want to knock him off his High Horse of Overbearing Morality, which...would be rather difficult, as Helo is hi-yooge. However, as I think we've seen on the show, Helo is absolutely the guy friend you want to go out and get drunk with, and then play a drunken game of football (only without the ball) or shadowboxing, or something else that involves lots of flailing limbs and resolved sexual tension. And you know Helo wouldn't complain the next morning when all you can think about is how your head REALLY hurts, and all you want is to watch Mean Girls and eat sausages. In fact, he'd probably cook the sausages for you, and give you a hug before he left, because he really is a Stand Up guy. And needless to say, he is Very, Very Pretty.
The Holiday Romance: Lee Adama from BSG. I have to admit, Lee Adama would be much higher on the list, were it not for the fact that I am clearly not tortured and tormented enough for him. He likes his women with a side of totally insane, and while I have my moments of crazy, I don't think I could sustain a sufficient amount for a relationship. Besides, sometimes I get the feeling he's just addicted to the drama. So, as pretty as he is, I have to put Lee Adama in the 'walk down beaches holding hands and go to cheesy tourist bars and not mock him for wearing a Hawaiin shirt as it doesn't really matter because after next week I'll never see him again' category.
The First Husband: Hector. ...
Sorry, drifted off for a second there. Just look at those arms. Hector's pretty much the entire package - tall, dark, handsome (with great arms), a devoted father, husband, son, etc etc. Unfortunately, he dies during the film (something for which I have yet to forgive Brad Pitt), which is why he's down as the first husband - corpses aren't generally good marriage partners. The only disadvantage I can think of is that the rest of his family seems to suffer from near terminal stupidity - but as he's going to die young anyway, there's not much chance of his passing on those particular genes.
The Second Husband: John Thornton from North and South. First of all, Mr Thornton is played by Richard Armitage, which is a great advantage for any character. Secondly, he's tall, dark, handsome (god I am so predictable), and he has a rudimentary social conscience. Usually, that wouldn't be enough for my left-wing, liberal, commie, pinko heart, but given that he's a nineteenth century factory owner, it's almost a miracle. He is a little rough around the edges - he has a bit of a violent temper and a tendency to leap to some surprising conclusions - but he is eminently trainable, and what's more, he's a romantic at heart (he'll travel the length of the country to get just one rose for heaven's sake). He does have a slightly irritating tendency to work himself to death in order to provide for the people he loves, but this can be worked on. And he's played by Richard Armitage.
All, I think you'll agree, excellent reasons for him to be my second husband.
The Childhood Sweetheart: Robin Hood, as portrayed by Jonas Armstrong. It can never be said enough - he's a pretty boy with a bow and arrow. He's also incurably romantic, and likely to have been in love with me since the age of...oh, about three. He'll propose marriage before we've left our teens, and what's more....he'll mean it. The downside is that he's entirely to likely to forget his engagement the second something shiny comes up (such as, for instance, the Crusades). He can also be more than a little arrogant, and doesn't really seem to understand that when five years have passed without a word from him, I'm probably going to be a little peeved. Still, he'll willingly choose to re-enact the balcony scene from Rome and Juliet, and he'll sacrifice everything for my love. The only downside is his rather short life expectancy (and the outlaw thing, and...)
The First Love: Aragorn from The Lord of the Rings. There are lots of good things to be said about Aragorn - he's handsome, noble, heroic, a good friend, and more than worthy of being 'loved.' He's also likely to sweep you off your feet, literally, and indulge in some very attractive swashbuckling. However, as much as it pains me to say it, the man is not what we might call 'sensitive.' He has the emotional intelligence of a club to the head, and is quite likely to be surprised when he crushes your still beating heart beneath his boot heel. He is definitely the man you look back at and think 'good guy, but thank god I didn't end up with him.'
The Torrid Saga Which Inevitably Ends in Heartbreak: Sirius Black from Harry Potter. (Though in my head Sirius Black looks like Joaquin Phoenix, and nothing Gary Oldman can do will convince me otherwise). I like a man who can brood as much as the next woman, but the fact of the matter is, this guy might as well have a sign reading ISSUES hanging on his neck. We'd have a tempestuous and passionate relationship, and he'd go haring off into the wild blue yonder about once a month, and sooner or later it would all come to a catastrophic conclusion. He's clearly destined for tragedy of some kind - there isn't going to be a happy ending with this guy. He'd break my heart, I would be devastated, etc etc...but in the end I'd probably be grateful, as otherwise I would have stayed attached during the imminent downward spiral. (Actually, this category could also have been called 'The One That Got Away' I suppose).
The Teen Movie Romance: Patrick Verona, 10 Things I Hate About You. There can be only one choice for this category. He sings, he dances, he buys random musical instruments and he has that accent. His rendition of 'Can't Take My Eyes Off You' spoiled me for real boys for at least a year and a half when I was fifteen. He certainly isn't flawless - there's the whole being paid to date you thing, which can put a bit of a dampener on a relationship - but a comparison with most of his competitors (Freddie Prinze Jr in She's All That or Paul Rudd in Clueless) puts him far ahead of the pack.
Besides...it's Heath Ledger!
The I Know This Is A Bad Idea But I’m Doing It Anyway: McNulty from The Wire (at least, from the first two seasons). McNulty is everything you could want in a man - handsome, charming and well able to wear a suit. Unfortunately he's also a fuck-up of astonishing proportions who lives in the world's most depressing apartment. He does like to take his shirt off a lot, which is nice of him, but doesn't really make up for the heroic alcoholism he frequently displays. There's a reason why he's incapable of being in an actual relationship with a human being, and on the whole, I think the best course with this gentleman is to enjoy a pleasant evening or two and then send him, gently but firmly, on his way. It's possible he'll show up at my door again - drunk - but he's pretty harmless. But as a woman who values her self-respect, not to mention her sanity, there isn't a chance in hell I'm letting him back in.
The So Wrong, and Yet So Right: Leoben from BSG. The only way this can work is if you avoid talking philosophy with him at all costs. In fact, conversation as a whole is probably a bad idea. In general, the only thing you can depend on Leoben to do is act completely insane, and spending prolonged periods of time around him is not going to be any good for your mental or physical health. It's especially wise to avoid him if you have anything that can be construed as a 'destiny' - trust me, he won't help.
f you really must have him, it's best to have your way with him, and the Get The Hell Away, as fast as you possibly can. If he even mentions patterns or streams, Run Like Hell and just pray you didn't make any kind of impact, as Leoben can be a determined (and stalkerific) lover. Whether the risk is worth what's just below, depends on just how foolhardy you are I think.
The One True Love: Captain Frederick Wentworth from Persuasion. Make no mistake, I love me some Mr Darcy - he is absolutely up there on my list of fictional men with whom I have fallen in love. However, Wentworth is still probably my favourite Austen male, just for that letter. Admittedly, he can be a bit of a dick when he feels his pride has been wounded, but once he's in love, he's in love for life and beyond. He's also genuinely swashbuckling - he's a Naval Captain during the Napoleonic Wars - intelligent and witty. There's no real downside, but in my opinion he has yet to properly captured on film, but for now Rupert Penry-Jones will do.
The Old Enough to be My Father But I Still Would: Henri Ducard from Batman Begins. In fact, pretty much any role played by Liam Neeson. It's somewhat complicated by the fact that any character played by Liam Neeson has a much higher than average likelihood of dying before the film is out, but what can you do?
The Drinking Buddy Who I Would Allow to Take Advantage: Helo from BSG. Don't get me wrong, I love Helo, I think he's a wonderful character, and a very tasty hunk of manmeat to boot - but his periodic bursts of 'I Am A Virtuous Man Fighting Alone For Truth, Justice, Tolerance And Everything That Is Good But No One Else Understands' would irritate the hell out of me in a long term boyfriend. Sooner or later I'd want to knock him off his High Horse of Overbearing Morality, which...would be rather difficult, as Helo is hi-yooge. However, as I think we've seen on the show, Helo is absolutely the guy friend you want to go out and get drunk with, and then play a drunken game of football (only without the ball) or shadowboxing, or something else that involves lots of flailing limbs and resolved sexual tension. And you know Helo wouldn't complain the next morning when all you can think about is how your head REALLY hurts, and all you want is to watch Mean Girls and eat sausages. In fact, he'd probably cook the sausages for you, and give you a hug before he left, because he really is a Stand Up guy. And needless to say, he is Very, Very Pretty.
The Holiday Romance: Lee Adama from BSG. I have to admit, Lee Adama would be much higher on the list, were it not for the fact that I am clearly not tortured and tormented enough for him. He likes his women with a side of totally insane, and while I have my moments of crazy, I don't think I could sustain a sufficient amount for a relationship. Besides, sometimes I get the feeling he's just addicted to the drama. So, as pretty as he is, I have to put Lee Adama in the 'walk down beaches holding hands and go to cheesy tourist bars and not mock him for wearing a Hawaiin shirt as it doesn't really matter because after next week I'll never see him again' category.
The First Husband: Hector. ...
Sorry, drifted off for a second there. Just look at those arms. Hector's pretty much the entire package - tall, dark, handsome (with great arms), a devoted father, husband, son, etc etc. Unfortunately, he dies during the film (something for which I have yet to forgive Brad Pitt), which is why he's down as the first husband - corpses aren't generally good marriage partners. The only disadvantage I can think of is that the rest of his family seems to suffer from near terminal stupidity - but as he's going to die young anyway, there's not much chance of his passing on those particular genes.
The Second Husband: John Thornton from North and South. First of all, Mr Thornton is played by Richard Armitage, which is a great advantage for any character. Secondly, he's tall, dark, handsome (god I am so predictable), and he has a rudimentary social conscience. Usually, that wouldn't be enough for my left-wing, liberal, commie, pinko heart, but given that he's a nineteenth century factory owner, it's almost a miracle. He is a little rough around the edges - he has a bit of a violent temper and a tendency to leap to some surprising conclusions - but he is eminently trainable, and what's more, he's a romantic at heart (he'll travel the length of the country to get just one rose for heaven's sake). He does have a slightly irritating tendency to work himself to death in order to provide for the people he loves, but this can be worked on. And he's played by Richard Armitage.
All, I think you'll agree, excellent reasons for him to be my second husband.
The Childhood Sweetheart: Robin Hood, as portrayed by Jonas Armstrong. It can never be said enough - he's a pretty boy with a bow and arrow. He's also incurably romantic, and likely to have been in love with me since the age of...oh, about three. He'll propose marriage before we've left our teens, and what's more....he'll mean it. The downside is that he's entirely to likely to forget his engagement the second something shiny comes up (such as, for instance, the Crusades). He can also be more than a little arrogant, and doesn't really seem to understand that when five years have passed without a word from him, I'm probably going to be a little peeved. Still, he'll willingly choose to re-enact the balcony scene from Rome and Juliet, and he'll sacrifice everything for my love. The only downside is his rather short life expectancy (and the outlaw thing, and...)
The First Love: Aragorn from The Lord of the Rings. There are lots of good things to be said about Aragorn - he's handsome, noble, heroic, a good friend, and more than worthy of being 'loved.' He's also likely to sweep you off your feet, literally, and indulge in some very attractive swashbuckling. However, as much as it pains me to say it, the man is not what we might call 'sensitive.' He has the emotional intelligence of a club to the head, and is quite likely to be surprised when he crushes your still beating heart beneath his boot heel. He is definitely the man you look back at and think 'good guy, but thank god I didn't end up with him.'
The Torrid Saga Which Inevitably Ends in Heartbreak: Sirius Black from Harry Potter. (Though in my head Sirius Black looks like Joaquin Phoenix, and nothing Gary Oldman can do will convince me otherwise). I like a man who can brood as much as the next woman, but the fact of the matter is, this guy might as well have a sign reading ISSUES hanging on his neck. We'd have a tempestuous and passionate relationship, and he'd go haring off into the wild blue yonder about once a month, and sooner or later it would all come to a catastrophic conclusion. He's clearly destined for tragedy of some kind - there isn't going to be a happy ending with this guy. He'd break my heart, I would be devastated, etc etc...but in the end I'd probably be grateful, as otherwise I would have stayed attached during the imminent downward spiral. (Actually, this category could also have been called 'The One That Got Away' I suppose).
The Teen Movie Romance: Patrick Verona, 10 Things I Hate About You. There can be only one choice for this category. He sings, he dances, he buys random musical instruments and he has that accent. His rendition of 'Can't Take My Eyes Off You' spoiled me for real boys for at least a year and a half when I was fifteen. He certainly isn't flawless - there's the whole being paid to date you thing, which can put a bit of a dampener on a relationship - but a comparison with most of his competitors (Freddie Prinze Jr in She's All That or Paul Rudd in Clueless) puts him far ahead of the pack.
Besides...it's Heath Ledger!
The I Know This Is A Bad Idea But I’m Doing It Anyway: McNulty from The Wire (at least, from the first two seasons). McNulty is everything you could want in a man - handsome, charming and well able to wear a suit. Unfortunately he's also a fuck-up of astonishing proportions who lives in the world's most depressing apartment. He does like to take his shirt off a lot, which is nice of him, but doesn't really make up for the heroic alcoholism he frequently displays. There's a reason why he's incapable of being in an actual relationship with a human being, and on the whole, I think the best course with this gentleman is to enjoy a pleasant evening or two and then send him, gently but firmly, on his way. It's possible he'll show up at my door again - drunk - but he's pretty harmless. But as a woman who values her self-respect, not to mention her sanity, there isn't a chance in hell I'm letting him back in.
The So Wrong, and Yet So Right: Leoben from BSG. The only way this can work is if you avoid talking philosophy with him at all costs. In fact, conversation as a whole is probably a bad idea. In general, the only thing you can depend on Leoben to do is act completely insane, and spending prolonged periods of time around him is not going to be any good for your mental or physical health. It's especially wise to avoid him if you have anything that can be construed as a 'destiny' - trust me, he won't help.
f you really must have him, it's best to have your way with him, and the Get The Hell Away, as fast as you possibly can. If he even mentions patterns or streams, Run Like Hell and just pray you didn't make any kind of impact, as Leoben can be a determined (and stalkerific) lover. Whether the risk is worth what's just below, depends on just how foolhardy you are I think.
Click to viewThe One True Love: Captain Frederick Wentworth from Persuasion. Make no mistake, I love me some Mr Darcy - he is absolutely up there on my list of fictional men with whom I have fallen in love. However, Wentworth is still probably my favourite Austen male, just for that letter. Admittedly, he can be a bit of a dick when he feels his pride has been wounded, but once he's in love, he's in love for life and beyond. He's also genuinely swashbuckling - he's a Naval Captain during the Napoleonic Wars - intelligent and witty. There's no real downside, but in my opinion he has yet to properly captured on film, but for now Rupert Penry-Jones will do.