It has begun
Aaah wintery time. The time of chilled bike rides, crispy frozen leaves, and horrible mind bending stress.
The time of loving sleep above all else, crying when loving people say loving things, and feeling enraged by each new opportunity that presents itself. There simply isn't time. I don't have the energy. If I don't drop something now all of the amazing things I am doing will be lose their value, as I just don't want to do any of it. Tonight I am at home though I have a theatre crit show I'm meant to be at. It's a useless one called "Film Night" where I would be sitting in the auditorium of my school watching a film I'm not interested in, but I still feel bad skipping it. The things I do I do full on. This attitude is a part of why I find myself in this stressful situation each winter. I'm interested in so many things, and I have the opportunity to do them, and I refuse to let go of opportunities or do things half heartedly. Apparently, even with all the surgeries I've had, I still don't have enough hearts to do all this.
I've been gaining mysterious weight and feeling bad about it and then bad about my low self esteem and going on in a circle like this. I'm stronger than I ever have been, doing more real exercise than ever before and eating as well as ever. I'm confused. Or, I was, and then I was talking to my wonderful girlfriend and she enlightened me about stress weight gain. Oh yay, at least now I understand it.
I'm not going to spend my year doing amazing things and hating them. I refuse. It's my last year of high school, therefore my last year doing professional-like theatre (possibly ever), and I'm going to actually like it.
So what am I doing to stop this pattern? First thing, I just emailed my music teacher. I know that music is something I'll continue with whether or not I'm in lessons. I have enough knowledge and drive to be able to pick up again when I have more time- not to say I'm actually going to stop playing. Just stop lessons for now. This is just the first step. I will eventually stop going to kickboxing (probably in January) and I'm going to be okay with that. Priorities- it's okay to have them.
Hokay, things will be alright.
Uh, so, hope you enjoyed the update on my exciting happenings.
The time of loving sleep above all else, crying when loving people say loving things, and feeling enraged by each new opportunity that presents itself. There simply isn't time. I don't have the energy. If I don't drop something now all of the amazing things I am doing will be lose their value, as I just don't want to do any of it. Tonight I am at home though I have a theatre crit show I'm meant to be at. It's a useless one called "Film Night" where I would be sitting in the auditorium of my school watching a film I'm not interested in, but I still feel bad skipping it. The things I do I do full on. This attitude is a part of why I find myself in this stressful situation each winter. I'm interested in so many things, and I have the opportunity to do them, and I refuse to let go of opportunities or do things half heartedly. Apparently, even with all the surgeries I've had, I still don't have enough hearts to do all this.
I've been gaining mysterious weight and feeling bad about it and then bad about my low self esteem and going on in a circle like this. I'm stronger than I ever have been, doing more real exercise than ever before and eating as well as ever. I'm confused. Or, I was, and then I was talking to my wonderful girlfriend and she enlightened me about stress weight gain. Oh yay, at least now I understand it.
I'm not going to spend my year doing amazing things and hating them. I refuse. It's my last year of high school, therefore my last year doing professional-like theatre (possibly ever), and I'm going to actually like it.
So what am I doing to stop this pattern? First thing, I just emailed my music teacher. I know that music is something I'll continue with whether or not I'm in lessons. I have enough knowledge and drive to be able to pick up again when I have more time- not to say I'm actually going to stop playing. Just stop lessons for now. This is just the first step. I will eventually stop going to kickboxing (probably in January) and I'm going to be okay with that. Priorities- it's okay to have them.
Hokay, things will be alright.
Uh, so, hope you enjoyed the update on my exciting happenings.