(no subject)
while I was walking to the Grill today I paused in front of Myles with what I thought was a futile attempt to see her. you see, she doesn't normally work on mondays. but it was just my [bad] luck to see her walking through the dining room, picking up after tables of inconsiderate college students and the even more inconsiderate parents of college students. her hair was in a ponytail again and she wore those khaki pants that steal my eyes everytime. I considered going in for a second or so before deciding that that could very well be the worst idea I've ever had. outside of letting myself love her that is. so I picked up my feet and took them downtown before I could change my mind and cause a scene.
the bar was full of returning students and I left after less than an hour of suffocation to go make a salad at the diner before it filled up with drunk 20 somethings. after two crossword puzzles and a bar rush I went outside to smoke a cigarette and found that I could not stop my legs from carrying me to some terrible demise.
I tried to tell myself that I was simply going for a walk again, just like all my other walks this week, but I ended up in front of a closed Myles with tears in my eyes. by this point my intent was clear and I didn't protest much when my shoes continued to carry me to her apartment. when I turned the corner of her street my head swelled twice it's normal size , my heart stuttered a few times and the sky pulsated in ways that I imagine only picasso could perceive. I thought that I was going to pass out right there leaning against a tree in someones front lawn. I think I was having a panic attack, but it's hard to tell with all the other things that are swimming around in my head clouding my memory.
I stood at the front door of her building for a few minutes and tried to steady myself enough to handle what potentially could have been a terrible conversation. when I went in I stood in the landing a while and listened to her voice on the other side of her door. she was on the phone so I waited. and waited. I sat in the stairwell for half an hour waiting for her to hang up the phone so I could knock on her door and ruin her night by exsisting.
finally there was silence and I stood up but didn't move for nearly ten minutes. I couldn't function. it was all I could do to keep breathing.
by some amazing feat of will power, I went to her door and knocked. after a minute of nothing I knocked again. I could hear her on the other side. she knew I was out there and she was ignoring me. inside I was systematically falling apart. all the things that I had prepared myself to say disappeared and I was left with an empty head for the first time in weeks. I said something like "I guess I'll just take this as your goodbye." and walked up the stairs, but the door would not open. or rather I wasn't pushing. I walked back to her door and had what could very well be the most prime time television moment I've ever had. I talked to the quiet sniffles that were heard coming from her apartment. I said things like "I don't know what I did and I'm not going to presume to know what you're thinking, but I don't deserve this." and I told her that she was the reason that I pushed my out of state move back a month. after a few minutes of silence from her side I asked her to please open the door and talk to me. she didn't. I didn't expect her to after all of this. then I said "well I guess this is the part where I move on to forgetting about you."
after a bout of stiffled tears I willed my feet from their rooted spot in the floor and walked back to the Grill, half crying and half talking to myself the whole way.
now I'm home and shitting rivers from being so cramped up all night. every muscle in my body is spasming in protest to this emotional holocaust. I am physically ill from this and she can't even open her fucking door to tell me that she never wants to see me again.
I wonder what she's done with the pictures I drew for her.
the bar was full of returning students and I left after less than an hour of suffocation to go make a salad at the diner before it filled up with drunk 20 somethings. after two crossword puzzles and a bar rush I went outside to smoke a cigarette and found that I could not stop my legs from carrying me to some terrible demise.
I tried to tell myself that I was simply going for a walk again, just like all my other walks this week, but I ended up in front of a closed Myles with tears in my eyes. by this point my intent was clear and I didn't protest much when my shoes continued to carry me to her apartment. when I turned the corner of her street my head swelled twice it's normal size , my heart stuttered a few times and the sky pulsated in ways that I imagine only picasso could perceive. I thought that I was going to pass out right there leaning against a tree in someones front lawn. I think I was having a panic attack, but it's hard to tell with all the other things that are swimming around in my head clouding my memory.
I stood at the front door of her building for a few minutes and tried to steady myself enough to handle what potentially could have been a terrible conversation. when I went in I stood in the landing a while and listened to her voice on the other side of her door. she was on the phone so I waited. and waited. I sat in the stairwell for half an hour waiting for her to hang up the phone so I could knock on her door and ruin her night by exsisting.
finally there was silence and I stood up but didn't move for nearly ten minutes. I couldn't function. it was all I could do to keep breathing.
by some amazing feat of will power, I went to her door and knocked. after a minute of nothing I knocked again. I could hear her on the other side. she knew I was out there and she was ignoring me. inside I was systematically falling apart. all the things that I had prepared myself to say disappeared and I was left with an empty head for the first time in weeks. I said something like "I guess I'll just take this as your goodbye." and walked up the stairs, but the door would not open. or rather I wasn't pushing. I walked back to her door and had what could very well be the most prime time television moment I've ever had. I talked to the quiet sniffles that were heard coming from her apartment. I said things like "I don't know what I did and I'm not going to presume to know what you're thinking, but I don't deserve this." and I told her that she was the reason that I pushed my out of state move back a month. after a few minutes of silence from her side I asked her to please open the door and talk to me. she didn't. I didn't expect her to after all of this. then I said "well I guess this is the part where I move on to forgetting about you."
after a bout of stiffled tears I willed my feet from their rooted spot in the floor and walked back to the Grill, half crying and half talking to myself the whole way.
now I'm home and shitting rivers from being so cramped up all night. every muscle in my body is spasming in protest to this emotional holocaust. I am physically ill from this and she can't even open her fucking door to tell me that she never wants to see me again.
I wonder what she's done with the pictures I drew for her.