hypochondria and other phobias
i don't know why, but i keep not posting this sort of thing here. if some of you would find it helpful for me to make a filter for this, i'll do it. it's just about being wracked by constant fear, is all.
i am in, if not constant, then frequent fear. i don't know why this is. i mean, i do know why, i know why family history would select this as how my insecurities would manifest themselves. i know all that. i just can't control it, and i guess the why of that is what's got me. i always try so hard to be rational about everything, to not have any irrationally emotional responses, and the more i ratchet down on all that, the more my brain pokes at me.
whatever the disease of the week in the media is, i get afraid that i have it, even though i know i know i KNOW that i don't. i don't have the killer adenovirus this week, and i didn't have viral meningitis last month, and i don't have cancer or blood clots or even asthma. i don't have all these food allergies that i psych myself into. i don't have allergies to wheat or fish or peanuts or soy or dairy or walnuts or any spices or any of that. i have NO known food allergies. i can eat anything i want. but i get so worked up that by the time the food is in my mouth, i'm convinced that the burning sensation in my lips from the too-hot chocolate is actually an allergic reaction to the whipped cream. the whipped cream! and then i start panicking and mentally hyperventilating and constantly touching my lips and running to the mirror for signs of swelling and monitoring my breathing for shortness and shallowness, which of course i get because i'm freaking out. i am literally terrified of my own body, and it's killing my ability to live in it.
i am afraid of everything i can think of. i'm afraid of spiders. if i see one, i think it's bitten me and i start to panic, whether i've felt anything or not. i'm afraid of heights. i'm afraid of depths. i'm afraid of going fast. i'm afraid of gas leaks. i'm afraid of falling through the ceiling. i watched a mythbusters about water heaters turning into rockets and shooting through the roof, and now i'm afraid of THAT.
i am disrupting my own life with my fears. i will avoid eating things i think might set me off just by phobias, even knowing they won't hurt me. i will work myself into nausea and then exhaustion. i've thrown off TRAVEL PLANS because something i ate scared me, or something my body did (normal things, like having a period!) scared me. i am increasingly insecure about my life. for a while, i'll be insecure about my looks or what i'm wearing. then it'll transfer to insecurity about my relationship. then it'll jump to insecurity about money or my job. if i don't actually *have* something to fear, i will *manufacture* it. i guess it's the only way i feel normal. after all, i spent a good portion of my childhood and all of my teenage years, pretty much, living in fear, constantly off balance, never sure what was going to happen next, never sure when the next blowup would come and no idea what i would have done to "deserve" it. but this is accelerating now and i have to stop it before the knob comes off in my hand.
i don't want to live like this. i do want to live. LIVE.
i am in, if not constant, then frequent fear. i don't know why this is. i mean, i do know why, i know why family history would select this as how my insecurities would manifest themselves. i know all that. i just can't control it, and i guess the why of that is what's got me. i always try so hard to be rational about everything, to not have any irrationally emotional responses, and the more i ratchet down on all that, the more my brain pokes at me.
whatever the disease of the week in the media is, i get afraid that i have it, even though i know i know i KNOW that i don't. i don't have the killer adenovirus this week, and i didn't have viral meningitis last month, and i don't have cancer or blood clots or even asthma. i don't have all these food allergies that i psych myself into. i don't have allergies to wheat or fish or peanuts or soy or dairy or walnuts or any spices or any of that. i have NO known food allergies. i can eat anything i want. but i get so worked up that by the time the food is in my mouth, i'm convinced that the burning sensation in my lips from the too-hot chocolate is actually an allergic reaction to the whipped cream. the whipped cream! and then i start panicking and mentally hyperventilating and constantly touching my lips and running to the mirror for signs of swelling and monitoring my breathing for shortness and shallowness, which of course i get because i'm freaking out. i am literally terrified of my own body, and it's killing my ability to live in it.
i am afraid of everything i can think of. i'm afraid of spiders. if i see one, i think it's bitten me and i start to panic, whether i've felt anything or not. i'm afraid of heights. i'm afraid of depths. i'm afraid of going fast. i'm afraid of gas leaks. i'm afraid of falling through the ceiling. i watched a mythbusters about water heaters turning into rockets and shooting through the roof, and now i'm afraid of THAT.
i am disrupting my own life with my fears. i will avoid eating things i think might set me off just by phobias, even knowing they won't hurt me. i will work myself into nausea and then exhaustion. i've thrown off TRAVEL PLANS because something i ate scared me, or something my body did (normal things, like having a period!) scared me. i am increasingly insecure about my life. for a while, i'll be insecure about my looks or what i'm wearing. then it'll transfer to insecurity about my relationship. then it'll jump to insecurity about money or my job. if i don't actually *have* something to fear, i will *manufacture* it. i guess it's the only way i feel normal. after all, i spent a good portion of my childhood and all of my teenage years, pretty much, living in fear, constantly off balance, never sure what was going to happen next, never sure when the next blowup would come and no idea what i would have done to "deserve" it. but this is accelerating now and i have to stop it before the knob comes off in my hand.
i don't want to live like this. i do want to live. LIVE.