On Love, Being In Love, and Infatuation
What is love, and what is being in love? And how do these relate to infatuation?
Love is a four-letter word. A nebulous concept. I’ll approach it from the other side.
Being in love - presumably that’s the state of passion - of wanting to be with a particular person, of being passionately attracted to her or him, fascinated by her or him, turned on by her or his presence, desiring that person, desiring to touch that person, almost the feeling of wanting to possess that person, wanting her or his time, attention, and devotion, her or his touch, her or his dedication.
In short, it’s as much infatuation as a real feeling of its own. It’s that mad feeling of being unable to do without that person, of needing them, of feeling like you’re not complete without them… it’s that obsession with another.
. It’s usually a short-lived rush that doesn’t last. And, I think it’s at least partially a myth, and although we call it “being in love” it really doesn’t have much to do with love in and of itself. Being “in love with” someone without genuinely loving them is definitely nothing more than infatuation.
To love someone is to care about them. To genuinely wish them well, to want what’s best for them, even to the point of sacrificing some of your own interests and goals. To be devoted to them, passionately so, to such an extent that you are willing to stick your neck out on their behalf. It is accepting that person for who she or he is, and still liking and caring about her or him anyway. It’s recognizing all the wonderful and worthwhile things about that person and appreciating them; and understanding and being able to deal with the bad aspects of that person and still being there for her or him.
If you truly love someone, you’re there for them and you help them because you want to, because you care-not because you’re paid or there under other outside obligations or duress. It’s feeling loyalty to that person, and friendship for that person, even if those feelings aren’t returned by her or him (when you stop feeling that way about someone, it’s pretty clear you no longer love her or him).
Looking at it again-yes, there’s a clear difference between being ‘in love’ with someone, and loving someone. They can coexist, and to some extent, they may overlap. These are feelings that can also seriously conflict with each other (particularly when ‘in love’ leads to possessiveness and jealousy). There are elements of being ‘in love’ that contradict genuinely caring about someone for her or his own sake.
And it’s also proving true that ‘merely’ loving someone is not enough to sustain much of a relationship, especially if one’s love (or ‘being in love’) is a feeling not shared by the one you love. In fact, it’s a good recipe for disaster-probable death to any kind of romantic relations (if any existed at all), and a potential destroyer of friendships.
Back to the original questions-
Everything said about ‘being in love’ also clearly defines infatuation. What separates the two, if anything?
If ‘being in love’ is to be regarded as a type of love at all… if there is anything more than infatuation to it, there are two things that separate truly being ‘in love’ from the more common feelings called ‘being in love’ that should really be called infatuation:
First, if you don’t genuinely love the person you think you’re in love with-it’s really just infatuation, no matter how strong it feels or how long it lasts.
Second (although harder to tell without the clarity of hindsight), if these passionate desirous feelings don’t have ‘staying power’, if they aren’t lasting feelings for that person, then it’s just infatuation even if you really do love them in other ways.
If one accepts that ‘being in love’ is more than just infatuation, I think one can still truly be in love with someone without it needing to have the full and passionate rush that one often associates with this feeling and with infatuation-that full, overwhelming rush is almost impossible to sustain at that strength indefinitely, but clearly some level of passionate desire must be sustained over the long term for/with that person if you can claim to still be ‘in love’ with them-and I think it’s pretty clear that likewise some level of that desire must remain in order to sustain a genuinely romantic relationship that’s more (or other) than a relationship of ‘just friends’.
A few further thoughts on relationships that involve sex:
For a romantic relationship to survive and thrive, you must have love and at least some feeling (sustained) of being in love.
If you don’t have either feeling, then it’s some sort of “relationship of convenience” (for one, both, or even multiple parties)-and if some sort of genuine commitment is there, it’s not based on romantic principles.
If there isn’t genuine love, then there can’t be a feeling of being ‘in love’ (IMO), but you could be infatuated with that person-if you’re infatuated with them, but you don’t love them-it’s a sexual hookup, and probably one that’s gonna be short-lived before something or other changes and the relationship either ends or morphs into a different type of relationship. It may have the outward trappings and appearance of being a romantic relationship, but I believe that without love, true romance is absent.
If you love the person, but you’re not at all in love with them-then it’s “friendship with benefits”. Call it what it is-it again may have some outward appearances of being romantic, but without desirous passion for your partner, true romance is again absent (but at least there’s some genuine feelings if you have enough like and love to support real friendship). It’s probably still best described as friendship with benefits and better to call it what it is and treat it that way if you love that person but you’re only a very little bit ‘in love’ or infatuated with that person.
(Originally I assigned these questions to a subbie, who didn't answer them. However, never let it be said that as a matter of general principle, I ask of others what I cannot or will not do myself. These are my answers and they are a work in progress. Comments welcome.)
Finn Kveldulfr
(originally written in notebook 20Nov06;
updated/edited and entered on MS Word,
21Nov06)