Fic: Lady Clooney`s Lover / Theoretical Lessons (Criminal Minds)
Title: Lady Clooney’s Lover
Pair: Spencer Reid / Derek Morgan
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Not mine, etc.
Criminal Minds Main List
"The only difference between pornography and erotica, is that erotica is the stuff bought by rich people."
John Preston (Flesh and the Word)
“Reid?” Morgan was torn between disturbed and curious. He left his bags on the floor in the foyer and stepped into the living room. “I’m home.”
The genius closed his book and wiggled his way out from under the dog. Clooney didn’t even wake up when his pillow escaped, he just continued sleeping while his snoring became increasingly loud.
“How was your mom?” He came closer to give Morgan a Welcome Home kiss. “And your sisters?”
“Mom’s fine and bossy as ever, even with a broken leg, and the girls were...”
“Same as always?”
“Yep. Are you gonna tell me what’s been going on here?”
“Nothing. Team’s not on call, so I’ve been working on my article about… Well, my article. I already explained it to you five times before you left.”
“I’m more interested to hear why you’re reading stuff like that to my dog.”
“I was reading him a bedtime story. He’s had some trouble sleeping, now that we’ve been here every night, or at least I`ve been here, and we haven’t taken him to the neighbors for a week.”
“I can understand that, but why that book? And what was that anyway?”
“Nothing.” Reid blushed, but hid the book quickly behind his back. “Did you eat on the flight? I think we have some left-over Chinese-”
“Reid…” Morgan chuckled and tried to grab the book. “Why were you reading a porny paperback to my dog?”
“It isn’t porn!”
“It sounded like porn.”
“Lady Chatterley’s Lover is a classic. it`s been considered to be one of the first mainstream novels, that contained explicit sexual scenery, and also, according to some scholars, included the first description of anal sex in a context of commercially successful fiction. Of course manuals and discreetly distributed publications had-”
“Reid, all I wanna know is why you were reading it to Clooney?”
“I tried everything else.” The blush on Reid’s cheek was getting even darker. “Walks before bedtime and flee baths, I tried everything the dog owner’s manual suggested. Then I thought maybe a bedtime story would help. I tried Lassie and Go, Doggie, Go-”
“Go, Doggie, Go?”
“I borrowed it from JJ. She reads it to Henry.”
“And it didn’t work?”
“No… Believe me, I tried everything, and then I tried that as a last resort and…” The genius looked ready to die from embarrassment. “That book works, I don’t know why.”
“You’ve been reading that to Clooney every night while I was away?”
“Not every night. It took two days to try other stuff and other books.”
“And then the big question.” Morgan waited till his chuckles had died down before he could continue. “Why do you have that book?”
“It’s Prentiss’s. When we were coming back from that last case I run out of stuff to read, so she lent it to me.”
“Emily reads that?”
“Yeah, she said it’s the closest thing to porn a woman can read on a flight without looking like a pervert.” Reid explained. “Actually one critic in Canada wrote that it is the filthiest thing a woman can read and still call herself a lady.”
“You’re not a lady, and neither is Clooney.”
“I put it in my bag and I forgot to return it to her. It was the last resort, I had already tried everything else. I even quoted Nietze to him, but somehow that got his stomach upset. And he loves Jane Austen on the TV, but can’t stand it when I read him the books.”
“Pretty Boy… If someone else said that to me, I would ask if they’ve been drinking, but since you sound like yourself, I only got one thing to say.”
“I already took him out for a walk and he did his business-”
“Not that. Clooney’s in La-La-Land, so we’re going to bed too.”
“Do you need a bedtime story?”
“That would be nice. And make it raunchy.”
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Title: Theoretical Lessons
Pair: Spencer Reid / Derek Morgan
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Not mine, etc.
“I’m going to throw up.” Prentiss grunted.
“Aim for the unisex toilet, I’ll keep you company.” Morgan agreed and nudged Reid, who was hurriedly scribbling notes on a large pad. “Reid?”
“Did you say something?”
“Yeah, why are you the only one not about to vomit?”
“We’re on a lecture.” Reid shrugged and looked up from his notes. “Learning theory and making notes, I’m in my element. Besides, we’ve all seen worse than this.”
“Worse, but not so disgusting.” Prentiss grimaced. “And why are we the only ones here? This was supposed to be mandatory for the whole team.”
“Hotch had a budget meeting for next year, JJ. Is home because Henry’s very conveniently sick, and Rossi… They decided he was already too well aware of all unusual sexual perversions. Garcia wanted to come, but they decided it wasn’t necessary in her work.”
“I shouldn’t have had anything for breakfast…” She complained, rubbing her stomach. “I guess I should be glad this is just theory.”
“Actually…”
“What?”
“Did you read the lecture leaflet?”
“You call this a leaflet? Leaflet is like a few pages, this is thicker than my purse.”
“Check page two.”
“Agenda for the day…” Prentiss stared at the page for a few moments. “Practical demonstrations?”
“Since we’re still on schedule, it should start soon.” Reid went back to his note scribbling. “There’s more about it on page fifty-nine.”
Prentiss started leafing through the thick stack of prints, while Morgan leaned closer to see them. They eyed the pictures in stunned silence.
“You gotta be kidding…” He sighed. “No way…”
“You got that page upside down.” Reid commented. “In number twenty-six, the fourth person is supposed to be laying down with the cattle-prod, face up, not on top with her face down.”
“That’s even worse.”
“Isn’t it fascinating?”
“No, and who’d like one of those things anywhere near… anything?”
“I assume the voltage has been set so low, that it can’t cause actual bodily harm. It just stimulates the membranes to heighten the sexual-”
“Reid, it’s creepy enough when that old crow talks about that stuff.” Morgan gestured at the professor on the podium. “I have no need to hear it in stereo.”
“You do know we’ll have a written test after this, right?”
“We do?” Morgan and Prentiss asked simultaneously.
“Yeah, it’s the last thing on the agenda. Haven’t you read it through?”
Morgan and Prentiss shared a quick look of panic.
“Anyway, it’s almost lunchtime.”
“I’m almost scared to ask, but what’s before that?” Morgan asked, and turned to look at the men, who had just escorted a very reluctant animal into the lecture hall. “And why the hell did they just bring a goat in here?”
“It’s for the demonstration of a sexual fetish first discovered in New Zealand in the late sixties-”
“Just tell me they’re not gonna do what I think they’ll be doing with it.”
“They’ll just milk it.” Reid comforted them. “The persons participating in those activities associate the process of milking to ejaculation and-”
“Morgan…” Prentiss pressed her palm over her mouth and got up from her seat. “Is that offer for company still standing?”
“I’ll be right there in the next stall.” Morgan assured and followed her out of the lecture hall.