Fic: Coffee and Jealousy Garcia Style (Criminal Minds, Morgan, Garcia / Kevin)
Title: Coffee and Jealousy Garcia Style
Pair: Spencer Reid / Derek Morgan,
Penelope Garcia / Kevin
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Not mine, etc.
Criminal Minds Main List
“Penny? Can I come in?”
“What’s the secret password?”
“Pretty please?”
“Not that one.”
“I brought coffee and doughnuts?”
“Good, but try again.”
“Don’t make me say it…”
“Say it or stay there.”
“Fine…”Morgan whined. “Knock-knock-knockity-knock,
Oh fair maiden, please unlock,
Bearing precious gifts I come,
Hoping your dress is now undone.”
“You may now enter the boudoir of your Goddess.” Garcia opened the door to her lair and let Morgan walk in.
“I hate it when you make me do that…” He placed the coffee cups and the pastry bag on the desk and grabbed a free chair. “Why now? You haven’t made me do that for months.”
“I’ve set up a new security plan in case that bitch is planning to sneak in, pretending to be working and set up some kinda deathly deathtrap. When go home, I got my own security cameras in here and out in the hallway, and the door`s locked.”
“I thought that door is locked anyway.”
“Yeah, but I got myself one of those big padlocks. When I go home, I’ll set it outside.”
“Have you done that before?”
“No, I just got it this morning.”
“Then forget the whole plan. It’s against regulations. In case someone needs to use this room, they need to be able to get in. You’re not on call all the time, sometimes other people come here to work.”
“Can’t I just put it on for one night?”
“Why?”
“I set up one camera outside in the hallway. I just wanna see that cow’s face when she tries to come in to wipe me out of the way.”
“What cow are you talking about?”
“The cleaning cow.”
“They’re called cleaning ladies.”
“That one was no lady!”
“Okay, calm down. What did she do?”
“That z-grade femme fatal had her paws all over my man. She was trying to grope him right in front of me.”
“When and why?”
“What do you mean when? You were right there too!”
“I was?”
“Yesterday! When she tried to rub him through his pants in the bullpen.”
“You mean when she tried to wipe off the hot coffee you spilled on him when you were arguing?”
“I didn’t spill it on him and even if I had it would have served him right. He had no business talking to me like that and demanding explanations. Blonds don’t need to explain anything!”
“Penny honey, no man wants his girl to hack into his bank accounts.”
“I just checked all the recent purchases on his cards. Us girls need to know these things, so I can prepare my surprised face for my birthday. Did I tell you what he got for me?” She giggled like a little girl. “When we get the guests out I’m gonna thank him so well I’ll have to scrape him from the wall in the morning…”
“That’s still no excuse for hacking his bank records.”
“Who cares about that among the geeks? Besides, he hacked into my DMV records and altered them, so we’re even. We reached an overnight truce: I stayed at my place and he stayed at his place.”
“What did he alter in your records?”
“He changed my weight.”
“Did he change it to a ton or something?”
“Worse. He put my real weight out there. If I had wanted my real weight on my drivers licence, I wouldn’t have lied when they asked!”
“Well, no one’s gonna check those records except people like us, so what does it matter?”
“What if someday I’m a fugitive, escaping the law to prove my innocence to a grisly murder, and trying to find the one armed man-”
“Sweetie…”
“Sorry.”
“And Kevin had to drop by at the nurse’s office to get his basement checked after your coffee spasm, so you can’t really blame the cleaning lady about that situation.”
“She didn’t need to rub him so thoroughly! And I heard she’s getting a divorce.”
“Because of Kevin? I can’t believe that…”
“No, she was married to that sleazy looking creep with the bad comb-over, who does those tours of Quantico. You know the type, circles around the building, but is never allowed to go inside to those places where the real action is… Like my first boyfriend. Anyway, he found someone younger, and announced he was moving to her place. Asked his wife to send all his stuff to the little bimbo`s place and just walked out.”
“That’s cold.”
“Yeah, they had been together for a decade. I don’t like the woman, but I’m on her side just because that guy is so disgusting.” Garcia took a minute to take a sip from her coffee. “And I gotta give the sister some credit, she really handled it with dignity.”
“Yeah. What else can you do in a situation like that?”
“She had a lot more imagination than I would have given her credit for. She packed up everything the man owned and sent it all to a junk yard. When the guy wanted to know where they went, she told him it was exactly the right address for a slut that trashy.”
“Pretty creative.”
“Yeah.” She took a bite from her muffin and chewed slowly. “Is this the part where I’m supposed to feel like an overacting fool?”
“Yeah. Do you feel like one?”
“Yeah...”
“And maybe you were a bit unfair to Kevin too?”
“Yeah…” She sighed and twirled around on her chair and started tapping her keyboard furiously. “Oh yeah, I forgot. Dismissed, sugar.”
“Are you gonna tell me what you’re doing?”
“I need the number for Roberto, if I’m lucky he may fit me in today.”
“Who’s Roberto?”
“My hairdresser. I only go to him couple times a year, he’s so expensive.”
“Then why do you need him now?”
“I’m gonna surprise Kevin. Roberto knows how to make my hair look like one of those fluffy balls they do on show-poodle’s tails.”
“Why?”
“Kevin thinks its hot.”
“Do you do anything else?” Morgan asked carefully. “Eat liver-snacks or hump lamp-posts?”
“Don’t be ridiculous.”
“With you it’s kinda hard to tell what’s ridiculous and what’s realistic…”Morgan dumped his take-away cups into the trashcan and got up. “I need to get going anyway, other’s are coming back from lunch and I need to make some calls.”
“Are going to tell me or will I just check the phone-logs later?”
“You reminded me that I really need to schedule Clooney’s appointment with the vet. He’s been licking himself in really weird places lately.”