Fic: Secrets of Succesful Relationships (and Mistakes of Unsuccesful Ones) (Numb3s)
Title: Secrets of Succesful Relationships (and Mistakes of Unsuccesful Ones)
Pair: Charlie Eppes / Colby Granger,
Don Eppes / Martin Fridegord
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Not mine, etc.
Feedback: Always Welcome
NUMB3RS Main List
“Don?” Charlie opened the door and let his brother into the house. “I think I might throw up.”
“You really know how to make a guy fell welcome.”
“No, I just got home and I dropped by at your office on the way.”
“I had to run some errands at the PD.”
“That’s what they said.” Charlie rubbed his belly in slow, soothing motions. “Normally my stomach can stand that crap you people call coffee, but apparently not when I haven’t had anything to eat.”
“There’s nothing wrong with our coffee.”
“That tar must be a special blend for all kind of law enforcement. Same garbage everywhere, you people are like weeds.”
“Weeds?”
“Yeah, you know how weeds flourish and grow as long as they get sun and water? Same thing with cops, you flourish on bad coffee. Excessive coffee is supposed to stunt your growth, but with those people the effect is just the opposite.”
“So we’re all weeds.”
“Yep. Crackers?”
“No thanks.”
“I found a packet from the cupboard.” Charlie walked into the kitchen and Don followed. “I thought they might calm down my stomach.” He grabbed the opened packet from the counter and started wolfing them down. “Are you sure you don’t want any?”
“When was the last time you ate real food?”
“Breakfast. But I had a breath mint before the faculty meeting.”
“I really have to send Granger home earlier to keep an eye on you.”
“Don’t look at me like that, I just had a busy day.”
“And a lot of coffee?”
“Possibly.”
“You wanna talk about coffee stunting the growth?” Don grinned and snatched a water bottle from the fridge.
“I make up for it with my brain, and you’re really not tall enough to gloat.”
“Taller than you.”
“And thinner on the top.”
“That was low.”
“You started it.” Charlie shoved another cracker into his mouth and eyed his brother. “So did you need something or did you just come to see me eating? The game’s tomorrow and I said we would handle the beer and chips department.”
“I was going home, but I wanted to bounce some ideas first.”
“Bounce away.”
“I was reading that book Megan brought for me from her trip-”
“She brought you a book? All I got was cheese.” Charlie’s expression turned hungry. “Actually… that would go nicely with crackers.” He pulled open the fridge and rummaged through its content.
“Are you even listening?”
“Keep talking, I can eat and listen at the same time.”
“She said I should try to learn from my mistakes.”
“Which ones?”
“Just shut up for a minute, Chuck.” Don pulled a brightly coloured book from his bag and handed it over to Charlie.
“Socks off before sex: How to keep the Romance Alive.”
“She said that covers all the biggest mistakes you can make in a relationship.”
“Did you find something in here you can relate to?”
“Yeah, I was reading that last night before going to bed, and I think I finally got it.”
“Got what?”
“The reason why all my old relationships failed.”
“Your fear of commitment?”
“That didn’t even make it to the top three.”
“What was number one?”
“Sex. I’m too easy.”
“I could have told you that years ago.”
“I mean all my relationships have moved to the bedroom pretty quickly, but that’s not the problem. The real problem is that I don’t say no. I suggest sex, and I can’t say no when the opportunity comes-”
“So what’s the problem?”
“Read this.” Don opened the book and flipped the pages till he found what he was looking for. “Right there.”
“Mistake number seventy-eight: Eating Brussel sprouts before going to bed-”
“Not that.” Don pointed at the line near the end of the page. “That one.”
“Sex in a relationship is like eating an assortment of chocolate. If you gorge on it too much, it looses it’s appeal and soon you don’t want to eat it anymore, no matter how good it tastes.” Charlie tried to stifle a giggle. “Is this some kind of a joke?”
“This is serious. What if this was the reason I couldn’t hold on to a relationship?”
“I think there was something else going on than just an excessive amount of sex.”
“Like what?”
“Like the fact that you sneaked out of the bed in the middle of the night and never called again.”
“Who told you that?”
“That chippie, who used to deliver mail at the FBI office. She didn`t exactly tell me about it, she told everyone in the office and I heard it through the grapevine.”
“Do I wanna know what she said?”
“She said you were lousy in bed.”
“They all say that when you don’t call.”
“And that you were so small, she had to go get a magnifying glass to find your stuff.”
“That’s a classic.”
“And you got a flabby ass.”
“Hey!”
“Hey yourself. According to her, you use some kinda supportive underwear to shove yourself into your jeans. Anyway, why are you suddenly so freaked out about this?”
“What if Martin gets bored with me, because we still keep going at it all the time? Chocolate effect hits and we’re through.”
“Don, lets try to analyse this rationally. When was the last time you had sex?”
“Yesterday.”
“And who made the first move?”
“I did.”
“How?”
“What do you mean how?”
“I mean were you in bed already, in the living room, what was the situation?”
“The cat was meowing and he bent down to put the food bowl on the floor.”
“And then?”
“And then what? He bent down, I was there, I got a nice look at his ass and that was it. Instant reaction and you know what happens after that.”
“I know and that’s a good start, we know the old spark is still there. As long as both of you get exited enough to get it going like that, sex is a good thing. There’s just two situations where sex can be a bad thing.”
“What situations?”
“When people have nothing else in common anymore and they stay together just because they don’t wanna start from scratch with someone new.”
“And the other one?”
“When they use to try to make the relationship work. It doesn’t help.”
“Guess not… That book just hit right home with me.” Don sighed and slumped down on the nearest chair. “I keep thinking what I did wrong and why I couldn’t make it work before?”
“If it works now, does it matter?”
“Whatever I did, I don’t wanna do it again and screw up everything.”
“You want it summarised?”
“Shoot.”
“When you end up in a situation you can’t handle, you take off.”
“I can handle-”
“I mean in a relationship. When you didn’t know what to do, you always ran away. And you got the line of DAs to prove it.”
“I didn’t-”
“When I was testifying in trial couple years ago, I talked with one of your ex lady friends. She said the first instruction for new female employees in their office is a warning about you.”
“Why do you always have to make me sound like such a man-whore?”
“Because the description fits. But you’re retired from you man-whoring career, so enough about that. You’re not really gonna do what that book tells you?”
“There’s some good advices there-”
“You never take good advices anyway, so just drop it. Besides, I’ve heard about the author, we have the same publisher.”
“What have you heard?”
“He’s a single thirty-something guy, who lives in his mom’s basement. Do you really wanna listen to his relationship advices?”
“No."
“And playing hard to get in the sack can be a double edged sword. Little bit of teasing is nice, but if you need to suffer the lack of sex too long just to keep the relationship alive, it’s probably not worth it.”
“You’ve been with Colby longer than I’ve been with Martin, so you could be right.”
“As long as both of you have fun in the bed, or on some other comfy surface, just go with it. I think I have a book you should read, it was the book of the month in my book club.”
“Since when are you in a book club?”
“I signed up to buy some textbooks and then I tried to terminate the membership, but they just keep sending their brochures and monthly books.” Charlie shrugged and went to scan the bookshelf in the living room. “Here it is.”
“The Power of Sex: How to catch your Prince Charming and keep him too.” Don read from the cover. “Is that a sex-manual?”
“More like a life style guide.” Charlie shoved the book to Don’s hand. “Study carefully, and if you want I can give you a pop quiz.”
“Not necessary, but thanks.” Don shoved the book to his bag. “I think I’ll head home, it’s my turn to cook.”
“Martin lets you cook? Seriously?”
“Well, I do the practical work, but he stands there and gives me orders. It’s kinda arousing in a weird way-” Don was interrupted by a loud grumble. “What was that?”
“My stomach…” Charlie groaned and grimaced. “I think the crackers are about to make a comeback.” He marched quickly into the bathroom and slammed the door shut.