Fic: Blanky Problem / Hair and All (Criminal Minds, Reid / Morgan, Hotch / Chad)
Blanky Problem
Pair: Spencer Reid / Derek Morgan
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Not mine, etc.
Criminal Minds Main List
“You gotta help me.”
“No, I don’t.” Reid got comfortable on the couch, looking smug the same way he did after finding the final part to solve a case. “Your mess, your problem.”
“I didn’t know it was so important!”
“You’ve had that dog for years, how can you not know his favourite things?”
“I just throw them for him and he fetches them.”
“Morgan, you threw away his sleep blanket. You can replace a ball, but not his security object once he has formed an emotional contact and associates it with-”
“Can’t I just get him a new one?”
“You said he had that blanket ever since you brought him here, it’s a security blanket in the most basic meaning of the phrase.”
“It was old, and that smell didn’t come off no matter how many times I washed it.”
“Exactly. Touch and smell are both very powerful triggers. Clooney obviously associates his blanket, smells and all, to home, security, familiarity and so on. Did you know that the term “security blanket“ actually originated from Peanuts? Or that terms like “woobie” or “wubby” were popularised by the 1983 movie Mr. Mom-”
“No lectures, please! Just tell me what I’m supposed to do about it.”
“Well…. You could try to get it back.”
“They’ve probably already emptied the trash, it’s gone.”
“No, actually they empty the dumpsters on Tuesdays, so you got one day to go dumpster diving.”
“I’m not going into a dumpster to look for an old doggie blanket!”
“Then you better get used to being snubbed.”
“Maybe I could by him a new blanket and a jumbo bag of liver snacks….”
“You already tried to buy his forgiveness with treats, and it didn’t work.”
“Yeah….” Morgan sighed. “What do I do?”
“Remember rubber boots, it rained last night so the the bottom of the dumpster is probably wet.”
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Hair and All
Pair: Aaron Hotchner / Chad Christensen
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Not mine, etc.
Criminal Minds Main List
“Please don’t ask me.”
“I was just thinking-”
“I know what you were thinking, and I don’t want to hear it.”
“They did it on TV.”
“And last night someone was eating live crickets on TV.”
“And in this magazine here.” Hotch pulled a glossy magazine from the drawer of his nightstand.
“The fact that Sean forgot it to the downstairs bathroom should have been a warning sign.”
“I just got curious. What is it like?”
Chad gave up trying to focus on his crossword puzzle and gave Hotch a frustrated glare.
“Why do you automatically assume I know about that stuff?”
“I didn’t assume.”
“You did. And if you need someone to tell you about going smooth down there, ask Cain. When he was in the swim team he complained about his hairs every two weeks.”
“Why?”
“You know what it’s like when your facial hair gets longer and starts itching?”
“You mean it’s like that?”
“I haven’t tried, but I had to listen to that whining for years, so I’m pretty sure.”
“Did you ever assist him?”
“With that? No. He’s my brother and we’re close, but that’s where I draw the line.”
“What about with me? That magazine said it can be a very erotic procedure.”
“Never put erotic and procedure in the same sentence. Those two words just don’t belong together. Little trimming to keep things neat down under is one thing, but a guy who looks like a plucked chicken looks just weird.” Chad leaned against the bed’s headboard. “Why are you so interested in that stuff?”
“I’m trying to catch up.” Hotch looked down at the opened magazine. “I found this side of me in relatively late point in my life.”
“You’re not that old.”
“I know, but I’m not exactly up to date with the whole…. Is scene still the right word?”
“Babe, scene’s not about what you follow, it’s about what you lead.”
“That doesn’t make any sense.”
“You went from a wife and a kid to living with a guy and having the kid for every other weekend. Everything else stays the same.”
“I didn’t mean-”
“We have these conversations every time you see something like that on magazines or TV. No, you don’t need hair plugs, a spray-on tan, smoother nether regions or some more gym sessions to get more into your "newly Bi" status. Dating men doesn’t mean you need to follow the disco-crowd.”
“You think I’m overcompensating, don’t you?”
“Yeah. If I didn’t think you were perfect the way you are, I wouldn’t have come after you in the first place.” He paused and started laughing. “And that sounded a lot less girly in my head.”
Hotch couldn’t help joining the chuckles.
“Well, you do have more shoes than Hailey…. And then there’s that near-nudist approach to spending time at home….”
“If you got it, you show it. We’re both trained to kill and we carry a gun, there’s no need for any proofs about manliness.”
Hotch let his eyes rove down the man’s bare chest.
“You may be onto something.”
“You got that look on your face again.”
“What look?”
“That come-and-ravage-me-look.” Chad laughed. “Why do you think I spend so much time without a shirt on?”
“I didn’t know I have a look for that.”
“You do. Your eyes go glazy, your nostrils flare and-”
“I got the picture.”
“Bit like a bull seen the red flag-”
“That’s enough, thank you.”
“And then there’s variations.”
“I have a face for your torso and variations of that face?”
“Sure. There’s that face you do when I come back from cutting the lawn-”
“I appreciate you doing that, because I don’t have to.”
“And it has nothing to do with getting sweaty?”
“That may play a small part in it.”
“In other words: You have no need for that magazine, because I can guide you way better than it can.”
“I guess.” Hotch tossed the mag into the trashcan. “Still sure you don’t want me to shave?”
“If you do that, I’m not listening to your whining when it all grows back.”
“I don’t whine.”
“Can we end this conversation right now if I promise to make you whine?”
“You mean….?”
“The hot tub. In five minutes. I’ll go get some stuff and I’ll see you there.”
“I’ll be there.” Hotch grinned. “Hairs and all.”