Fic: Egged, Chapter 1/2 (Criminal Minds, Reid / Morgan, Hotch / Chad)
Title: Egged, Chapter 1/2
Pair: Spencer Reid / Derek Morgan,
Aaron Hotchner / Chad Christensen
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Not mine, etc.
Feedback: Always Welcome
Criminal Minds Main List
Big thanks to _nextboldmove_ for the inspiration for this.
“Did you forget something?” Prentiss asked as soon as Morgan opened the door.
“Hey Em, we’re in a bit of a situation here-”
“I just came to bring you this.” She pulled a case file from her bag and handed it over to him. “You said you needed it for that consultation you were gonna work during the weekend.”
“I don’t need it, Pretty Boy does. I’m just the delivery guy.”
“A forgetful delivery guy. Is the Big Brain hard at work?”
“No, that’s just how my pants fit.”
“Really funny….”
“Morgan?” Reid came from the living room rummaging through his messenger bag. “Hey, Emily. I got to go, we have another Code Red.” He pulled a diaper from his bag and marched upstairs.
“Was that…..?”
“Reid changing diapers? Yep.”
“I think the hell is freezing….”
“He’s not very good at it, but I can’t do it.”
“Why not?”
“It’s a girl.”
“So?”
“Every time I try to take her old diapers off she starts screaming and kicking.”
“Babies always do that.”
“When she needs a new diaper she just whimpers, when I come near her she screams her lunges out. Trust me, it’s personal.”
“Fine, I’ll take your word for it.” Prentiss froze when a sudden thought invaded her head. “Wait a minute…. What the hell are you two doing with a baby?”
“One of the neighbours had a little accident with a surfboard and his wife had to drive him to the hospital.”
“How is it possible to hurt yourself with a surfboard when there`s no water anywhere near?”
“They’re going to Hawaii next month and he wanted to try his board. In the middle of their living room.”
“And they just left the kid with you?”
“We’re the only neighbours who are at home and not senior citizens.”
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“Hey.” Hotch greeted and stepped into the kitchen. “What are you doing?”
“Lunch.” Chad commented. He was currently piling up groceries on the counter. “What happened?”
“What do you mean?”
“You went to Hailey’s to pick up Jack and you come back looking like that.”
“Looking like what?”
“Like you wanna talk about something. You can cover your gray hairs, but that face is your clearest tell.”
“I was just thinking. Jack didn’t have his stuff packed when I got there and I had a little talk with Hailey. She’s had some problems.”
“With her fiancé?”
“Him too, how did you know?”
“How many times have they postponed their wedding plans during the time we’ve been together? What’s their big problem this time? His morning breath?”
“No, this time it her problem. She had some medical issues when she was expecting Jack. Now she’s pretty eager to have kids with her new guy while it’s still possible.”
“So she’s afraid her….” Chad cracked an egg on the edge of a bowl, poured the insides into it and tossed the shells into the trashcan. “…. are around their expiration date.”
“Something like that. We tried for a long time before she got pregnant the first time, and I know the problem was not in me. At least that’s what the doctors said.”
“Omelette good for you?”
“Sure.”
“I’ll put some ham and veggies into it. Where’s Jack?”
“Upstairs, unpacking.”
“So back to the topic: Is she really serious?”
“I think so. They’re going to do it via IVF. Use the fiancé’s sperm and donors eggs.”
“That’s probably the most moronic idea I’ve heard in ages. Kids are like heart attacks.”
“Heart attacks?”
“You can prevent them, but if they’re meant to come, they’ll come.”
“I’ve never heard that expression before.”
“What they do is their business, but that whole thing is unnatural. Wait a sec.” He picket few more eggs and held them against the light. He put two back to the carton and handed the third one over to Hotch. “Look at that.”
“Why am I looking at it?”
“Would you eat that?”
“I guess….”
“Crack it. Preferably in the sink.”
Hotch did as he was told and cracked the egg. The inside was discolored and it smelled like sulfur.
“This one’s gone bad.”
“Exactly.” Chad nodded. “If your eggs are old and the frying pan is scratched, throw away the eggs, buy a new pan and cook something else.”
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“Shhhhh….” Morgan shushed as he and Prentiss sneaked closer to the bedroom. Judgin by his voice Reid was in his full lecturing mood.
“-is a subatomic particle that carries a negative electric charge. It has no known substructure and is believed to be a point particle. An electron has a mass that is approximately 1/1836 that of the proton. The intrinsic angular momentum-”
Prentiss couldn’t control herself anymore. She started laughing uncontrollably.
“Sorry, but…..” She had to draw deep breaths. “….that was just too funny.”
“She likes it!” Reid stated. “Every time I start talking to her she smiles and giggles.”
He picked up the baby from the blanket and lifted it up to rest against his shoulder. The baby giggled and tried to grab the edge of his sweater vest.
“You do know babies can’t really understand that, don’t you?”
“You want to try?” Reid placed the baby carefully into Prentiss’s arms. The reaction came right away. The baby’s face crunched up and she began screaming. Prentiss tried to shush at her, but the scream turned louder.
“Ready to give up?” Reid asked.
“Take this devil’s spawn and keep it far away from me.” Prentiss dumped the kid back to Reid and the screaming stopped.
“Since an electron is a fermion, no two electrons can occupy the same quantum state, a property known as the Pauli exclusion principle. The electron was identified as a particle in 1897 by J. J. Thomson and-”
Morgan leaned closer to whisper to Prentiss.
“That same trick works with Jack too.”
“Thanks a lot, just what I needed.” She groaned. “Another reminder of why I don’t want any of my own.”
“You don’t?”
“Well, do you?”
“Not really. That one has been here less than two hours and she has urinated twice.”
“Kids do that-”
“On my shirt. And she screamed while she did it. I’m not even gonna pick her up anymore.”
“Maybe it’s some kind of a side effect of the Reid effect.”
“That would explain it….”
“Or maybe that kid and Jack are just the exceptions that defy the rules.”
“There was that baby in wherever-it-was, I can’t remember. They shoved it to Reid and when he had to give it back it started crying.”
“It?”
“I had to say It. I can’t remember if it was a boy or a girl.”
“And then there’s Clooney.”
“Yeah, last week when they were watching a movie together, I tried to get on the couch next Pretty Boy and he tried to bite me.”
“Reid?”
“Clooney.”
“You do realise I’m right here, don’t you?” Reid reminded. “Keep quiet, few more hours and we’ll cover all the basics of quantum electrodynamics.”
Chapter 2/2