The Feet Are Attacking Anchorage
Typey typey typey. I don't really want to put my thoughts into sentences, at least through my hands at the moment. But here goes. Basically, this is a half-thought out and half-reviewed idea I've been having which probably, at best, selectivley applies at the moment. There are probably better times to have said this, but.. timing and me don't always go together so well. So let's assume there's a lot of sadness and hopelessness around me, or we don't have to.. it really isn't too important, but that's when this would be most fitting! ..Well, most fitting if that was due to small things.
So, random people who possibly are or aren't sad in their lives, or for whenever you are over something rather inconsequential.. have an overview of the fun of my life! Really, all of this has probably been said before on here, but I've decided to put it into highlights.. for no real reason. Also, I'm perverting these highlights to reflect a rather worse-case scenario, as people tend to do, rather than following reality. This isn't intended to invoke sympathy, but rather show how bad things can seem to be. These ideas follow reality roughly, follow my feelings closer, and follow a hypothetical perversion the closest, so take them with a grain of salt-- it isn't intended as fact in the least, and I want to stress that. In some places, it can be closer to a lie, if it fits the idea of what it might be believed to be; this doesn't mean I believe it, simply the possible perversion of reality. Trying to offer an idea for how shitty something can be, yet still be possible to overcome.
- I've had my heart broken into millions of itsy bitsy pieces by three different people after getting romantically involved.
- I've had all three of those people leave me for someone else while lying about their feelings toward me.
- I've had my best friend die in my hands.
- I've been responsible for killing my best friend.
- I've wallowed in the fires of a self-made hell.
- I've had everyone I considered closest to me abandon me when I needed it the most, on quite a number of accounts.
- I've had a horrible relationship with my parents, resulting in situations that are liable to put me in prison or a mental institution due to poor handling of said situations.
- I've become addicted to drugs; narcotics, depressants, and cigarettes have the most powerful sway over me.
- I've been betrayed countless times by people dear to me; betrayals worthy of having Lucifer himself take pause.
- I've had plenty of near-death encounters, and plenty of encounters where I was literally dying as they went on.
- I've had rat-bite fever and was within less than a week of death.
- I've had cancer.
- I've spent years killing myself slowly to be fully confident that I would die before I had a chance to save myself.
- I've hated myself.
- I've been responsible for making those close to me feeling horrible, and have inflicted self-punishment as retribution.
- I've been a horrible friend, family member, and human being.
- I've experienced extreme dissociative breaks of reality, fragmentation of my personality, psychosis, and massive depression.
- I've tried to kill myself by abandoning myself.
- I've failed horribly in everything I've started.
There probably is more, but I feel this is a somewhat pointless exercise, as there is little call for it at the immediate moment. I suppose if anyone is ever feeling horrible about life, they could read back on some of the more potent things I mentioned, and take note that I'm happy despite all of that. At the core of those statements, there is some seed of truth, and the statements themselves could mostly be taken at their current value depending on the perspective you read into it. I personally find many of them to be at least partially distorted in the details. Some I find to be close to, if not fully, outright lies. The point wasn't necessarily to offer fully accurate facts, though, but rather than even in the face of utterly extreme hardship, it's still possible to pick yourself up and carry on with life. If you care about the reality of it, most of that is fairly close to the truth in what actually happened, if you disregard the perspective that has been laid on top of them.
So there you go! A rather unthought-out post about the horrible somewhat hypothetical life I've led. I'm not sure if this will be anything other than an exercise in futility, but that seems to be a fairly common thing in this world. Hurrah for negative posts from hopeless optimists! I'm tempted to add a little something else, but not really knowing why I've done this in the first place, that makes it a little bit harder.. so I'll leave you all with this rather sporadic and unguided post.
So, random people who possibly are or aren't sad in their lives, or for whenever you are over something rather inconsequential.. have an overview of the fun of my life! Really, all of this has probably been said before on here, but I've decided to put it into highlights.. for no real reason. Also, I'm perverting these highlights to reflect a rather worse-case scenario, as people tend to do, rather than following reality. This isn't intended to invoke sympathy, but rather show how bad things can seem to be. These ideas follow reality roughly, follow my feelings closer, and follow a hypothetical perversion the closest, so take them with a grain of salt-- it isn't intended as fact in the least, and I want to stress that. In some places, it can be closer to a lie, if it fits the idea of what it might be believed to be; this doesn't mean I believe it, simply the possible perversion of reality. Trying to offer an idea for how shitty something can be, yet still be possible to overcome.
- I've had my heart broken into millions of itsy bitsy pieces by three different people after getting romantically involved.
- I've had all three of those people leave me for someone else while lying about their feelings toward me.
- I've had my best friend die in my hands.
- I've been responsible for killing my best friend.
- I've wallowed in the fires of a self-made hell.
- I've had everyone I considered closest to me abandon me when I needed it the most, on quite a number of accounts.
- I've had a horrible relationship with my parents, resulting in situations that are liable to put me in prison or a mental institution due to poor handling of said situations.
- I've become addicted to drugs; narcotics, depressants, and cigarettes have the most powerful sway over me.
- I've been betrayed countless times by people dear to me; betrayals worthy of having Lucifer himself take pause.
- I've had plenty of near-death encounters, and plenty of encounters where I was literally dying as they went on.
- I've had rat-bite fever and was within less than a week of death.
- I've had cancer.
- I've spent years killing myself slowly to be fully confident that I would die before I had a chance to save myself.
- I've hated myself.
- I've been responsible for making those close to me feeling horrible, and have inflicted self-punishment as retribution.
- I've been a horrible friend, family member, and human being.
- I've experienced extreme dissociative breaks of reality, fragmentation of my personality, psychosis, and massive depression.
- I've tried to kill myself by abandoning myself.
- I've failed horribly in everything I've started.
There probably is more, but I feel this is a somewhat pointless exercise, as there is little call for it at the immediate moment. I suppose if anyone is ever feeling horrible about life, they could read back on some of the more potent things I mentioned, and take note that I'm happy despite all of that. At the core of those statements, there is some seed of truth, and the statements themselves could mostly be taken at their current value depending on the perspective you read into it. I personally find many of them to be at least partially distorted in the details. Some I find to be close to, if not fully, outright lies. The point wasn't necessarily to offer fully accurate facts, though, but rather than even in the face of utterly extreme hardship, it's still possible to pick yourself up and carry on with life. If you care about the reality of it, most of that is fairly close to the truth in what actually happened, if you disregard the perspective that has been laid on top of them.
So there you go! A rather unthought-out post about the horrible somewhat hypothetical life I've led. I'm not sure if this will be anything other than an exercise in futility, but that seems to be a fairly common thing in this world. Hurrah for negative posts from hopeless optimists! I'm tempted to add a little something else, but not really knowing why I've done this in the first place, that makes it a little bit harder.. so I'll leave you all with this rather sporadic and unguided post.