i have a headache.
some realizations about myself:
i like pure, obvious, simple things.
things with a right way, and a wrong way.
even spectrums of right and wrong.
even fractal-like puzzles of right and wrong slipping in and out of each other.
i like shiny shower fixtures. either they're shiny, or they're not.
i like bunches of swiss chard. either they're crunchy, spotless, fanned-out, weighty and snipped at the bottom...or they're not.
this is not to say that i don't revel in complexity.
i do...
just so long as it leads to right
or
wrong.
i study WGS so one wond'rous morn i can wake up and finally understand how to be in the world and treat everyone as they deserve.
once i've read enough theory, heard enough stories, hit bedrock in this mountain of pain that is human existence. once i've lived enough, fucked up enough, had enough conflict, talked to enough people, treated enough people well and badly...then finally...finally...i can be okay.
the problem is...there are only wrongs.
no rights.
every right is flawed and fucked up in its own way.
there's no "right" hiding in the margins of fanon or foucault or lorde or jesus or thich nhat hanh.
my brain is short-circuiting.
i always knew i was flawed, fucked up. and i always knew everyone else was too. but somehow, it escaped me that there can't be purely good actions. rare as they are. somehow, i always thought there was a "right way" to act in a given situation. once all the particulars were taken into account, every detail laid out. you know, "what would jesus do?" well i'm not jesus...but was it really all that cool when he flipped over tables in the temple and drove the money changers out? why does that get to be pure "goodness?" i would have been scared out of my goddamn mind if i saw jesus acting like that in the marketplace. he could have hurt somebody.
anyway...i want to stamp out this horribleness in me. i can't breathe without hurting...others.
and i wish, how i fucking wish, that i could find a point beyond "doing what i think is right" like for example, "what i want" or "who i want" or even take on a task that someone i care about TELLS me is worthwhile...
but there is nothing beyond this need to justify my own existence.
i like pure, obvious, simple things.
things with a right way, and a wrong way.
even spectrums of right and wrong.
even fractal-like puzzles of right and wrong slipping in and out of each other.
i like shiny shower fixtures. either they're shiny, or they're not.
i like bunches of swiss chard. either they're crunchy, spotless, fanned-out, weighty and snipped at the bottom...or they're not.
this is not to say that i don't revel in complexity.
i do...
just so long as it leads to right
or
wrong.
i study WGS so one wond'rous morn i can wake up and finally understand how to be in the world and treat everyone as they deserve.
once i've read enough theory, heard enough stories, hit bedrock in this mountain of pain that is human existence. once i've lived enough, fucked up enough, had enough conflict, talked to enough people, treated enough people well and badly...then finally...finally...i can be okay.
the problem is...there are only wrongs.
no rights.
every right is flawed and fucked up in its own way.
there's no "right" hiding in the margins of fanon or foucault or lorde or jesus or thich nhat hanh.
my brain is short-circuiting.
i always knew i was flawed, fucked up. and i always knew everyone else was too. but somehow, it escaped me that there can't be purely good actions. rare as they are. somehow, i always thought there was a "right way" to act in a given situation. once all the particulars were taken into account, every detail laid out. you know, "what would jesus do?" well i'm not jesus...but was it really all that cool when he flipped over tables in the temple and drove the money changers out? why does that get to be pure "goodness?" i would have been scared out of my goddamn mind if i saw jesus acting like that in the marketplace. he could have hurt somebody.
anyway...i want to stamp out this horribleness in me. i can't breathe without hurting...others.
and i wish, how i fucking wish, that i could find a point beyond "doing what i think is right" like for example, "what i want" or "who i want" or even take on a task that someone i care about TELLS me is worthwhile...
but there is nothing beyond this need to justify my own existence.