Last Resort
Title: Last Resort
Author: finkling
Pairings: Gri [main], Baeri, GTOP.
Rating: PG-13
Genre: AU, Romance, Drama
Summary: The path of a last resort relationship goes into reverse as they try to hold on.
A/N: Worked on this a couple weeks ago but it took a while for some reason. Pretty much cut out half of the story. Anyways, just excited for the Big Bang comeback, lol. My first time trying AU. Please read, and enjoy!
He was Lee Seunghyun, an average boy of an average height with average abilities. He once had visions of becoming something more than your typical run-of-the-mill student who failed to live up to anyone's hopeful expectations of academic success. He would have become a star. But he didn't have enough talent, didn't have enough connections, didn't have enough charisma. Was too fucking average. Throughout his uneventful years of grade school he still kept hope -I'm still young, I'm still young, I'm still young -but before he knew it he was already lugging up his suitcases in front of the dorms of his new, mediocre college, Yonghap University, and it felt as if his fate was already sealed. He cursed himself for being such a fatalist.
He had a lot of friends. Friends to drink with, friends to laugh with, friends to flirt with. But there was no one he could really consider a close friend. Seunghyun poured out his trust to many people, but reciprocation was scarce. He supposed that he didn't really click in the right way with many people. Perhaps he just wasn't a very deep or complicated person. No one really noticed much of what he really thought or felt about anything -not that people didn't care about him at all, it was just that no one really acknowledged his presence when he wasn't loudly grabbing attention towards himself. So it didn't surprise him that when he finally came out to everyone that he was gay, people responded with only mild surprise and vague acceptance.
He didn't mind at first. But after a while, the loneliness of having no one to lean on was suffocating. Seunghyun began actively looking for a partner, because even if he paired up with someone superficially, there was at least the trite obligation of always having to be there for the other even if there was no pull.
"Hey, I'm Kwon Jiyong. I'm a junior right now -how about you?"
He was Kwon Jiyong, his senior by two years that sat next to him in his history class who had also wanted to become an entertainer. Seunghyun didn't take a particular liking to him very much. In fact, he often felt a touch of annoyance and bitterness as he looked upon this hyung. In a way, it was like looking at an older version of himself, someone who failed at everything he had dreamed for, someone who was taking this path as a meaningless back up. Looking at Jiyong reminded him that everything was hopeless, that in two years he would end up nowhere, just like he did.
Unsurprisingly, these similarities were what brought them together. Both tried to connect with other men and pleaded with themselves to click with others, but to no avail. Strangely, naturally, they became partners, lovers, and in the back of their minds they knew their relationship was merely a last resort, just like the path they had taken, and they were too afraid to reach further for anyone else.
- - -
They were sitting in the room of Jiyong's apartment, in front of the television, playing a shooting game. Seunghyun was determined, staring at the screen intently, face twitching in concentration while Jiyong was hollering and jumping around all over the place. Jiyong's roommate, incidentally called Choi Seunghyun, looked on rather apathetically at the game as he ate a bowl of cereal.
Seunghyun won, and immediately he threw down the controller and flipped his fingers into a V sign. "Fuck yeah, victory! Take that, Jiyong hyung."
Jiyong leaned back, a little disappointed and tired from his excitement, but mostly content. He wrapped his arm lazily around the other. "You really like winning, don't you?"
Seunghyun grinned. "Yeah. Who doesn't?"
Jiyong smiled. "My Victory. My Seungri," he drawled, stroking Seunghyun's hair.
From then on, Seunghyun was then Seungri.
The name caught on. He was no longer just Jiyong's victory, but everyone's victory. Seungri liked being called a winner, but he knew that Jiyong simply had not wanted to mix up the lover Seunghyun with the close friend Seunghyun. He knew that he was the one that had to be changed, the one that was irrelevant enough to alter. Funnily enough, it didn't matter. The nickname gave him an identity.
- - -
As it turned out, Jiyong and Seungri were nearly perfect for each other. Jiyong was eccentric and quirky. Seungri was more grounded, although occasionally goofy, flirty, or socially clumsy. Essentially, though, he was much more lost than Jiyong was, still finding his path. Jiyong was almost -but not quite -a genius in music, and Seungri would never get to that level, no matter how hard he tried. But he was superior to the other on almost all other levels, following the well-rounded style, so life went on.
Incredibly, despite these apparent differences and symptoms of strange genius versus hardworking all around player, both were fundamentally the same inside. It was as if a camera took a picture of Seungri and developed Jiyong, or of Jiyong and developed to Seungri. A picture perfect couple.
But that was exactly the problem. No one wants to date himself. You could never love yourself the same way as you love a lover. Even a narcissist could testify the difference if he found the right one.
There was no spark.
- - -
It was Monday morning, nine o' clock. Seungri walked inside the elevator, heading over to class, grumpy from sleepiness. The doors began to close as he heard quick footsteps across the hall. "Wait! Please hold the door!"
He grabbed the side of the elevator and allowed another student on his floor to dash in. The student was rather short but bulky and toned, with plain features aside from his mohawk hairstyle. "Thanks."
Seungri nodded. "Sorry, what's your name again? I'm Seungri. Freshman. I mean, Seunghyun. I mean, well, call me whatever you want."
"Okay, Seunghyun," the other smiled. "I'm Youngbae. Third year. Nice to meet you."
"You too, Youngbae... hyung."
They continued to see each other in the elevator at nine. Eventually, sometime, somehow, Seungri started to look forward to his elevator rides in the morning.
- - -
A sitcom blared on the television as Jiyong and Seunghyun ate ramen on the couch. The program went into commercials and Jiyong turned towards the other.
"Our 100 day anniversary is coming up. Seungri and me, I mean. Not really sure what to get him or what to do. I want it to be special... my anniversaries with my past boyfriends were never special."
"Just go take the romantic route and eat at a nice restaurant and have some sexy time after," Seunghyun said, still facing the television. "Or do something more exciting. Go to an amusement park."
"That doesn't really sound like us," Jiyong muttered.
The show returned, and both concentrated on the program, laughing here and there. The sitcom rolled into the credits.
"What do you think of Seungri and me?"
"I think I don't give a shit."
The two lapsed back into silence. After a few minutes, Jiyong cleared his throat.
"Seriously."
Seunghyun sighed and turned off the screen. "Honestly, you guys don't seem to love each other that much. It's like you're both staying together just for the sake of... staying together."
"Hm."
Silence.
"Well, do you love him?"
Jiyong had no answer.
- - -
History class. Everyone was paired up for an assignment. The rustling of papers, the consistent chatter, the occasional footsteps -all contributed to the dull symphony of the room that lulled Seungri into daydreaming. For some reason, Jiyong's voice was not the solo, but included in the orchestra.
"...and then he kept begging for me to sing with him even though he sucks balls at it."
"Mhm."
"I mean, who does he think he's kidding, right?"
"Right."
"So I told him there was no chance in hell that I would." Laughter.
"Oh."
Jiyong frowned. "Seungri? Baby? What's gotten into you today? Did you even listen to what I just said?" He tilted his head under Seungri's and prodded him slightly.
Seungri stirred a little. "Wait, what?"
Deep sighs. "Never mind."
- - -
"...so I pretty much ended up failing the whole thing," Seungri concluded, as Youngbae laughed right on cue.They were at a small café next to their dorms. This time, Seungri was rapt with attention. In some respects, Youngbae was exactly what Seungri needed. He was attentive and could grasp the subtleties of Seungri -no, Seunghyun's -emotions. Both were open to each other and there was a connection that could not readily be found with Jiyong, no matter how many similarities they shared superficially. Less words, with more understanding.
"This is kind of awkward, but I'm really glad I met you, Seunghyun," Youngbae said, smiling.
Seungri laughed. "Me too, hyung." Hyung. He wasn't Youngbae hyung anymore, just hyung. His hyung.
Youngbae hesitated, then leaned in for a kiss.
- - -
It went on for a while, but Seungri eventually caved in to the guilt.
"What?" Jiyong was disbelieving, cold, furious.
"I -I'm sorry, Jiyong hyung. We just kissed a few times. Nothing more."
"Nothing more?" Jiyong seethed, gripping his chair. His voice rose. "Nothing more? Do you think it's okay just because you didn't fuck him? How could you even do this to me, after all I did for you? Couldn't you have at least broken it off with me before giggling along with this Youngbae, and spared me the humiliation?" He broke off, breathing angrily, and suddenly lifted his hand reflexively in motion to slap Seungri.
Seungri flinched, twiddling his thumbs. "I'm so sorry."
"Sorry doesn't cut it. We never even... shit, Seungri, have we even said 'I love you' to each other?"
Silence.
"Does he know?"
Seungri shook his head, head dipping to face the ground.
Jiyong cursed inaudibly under his breath, then dropped to a whisper, shaking a little. "Do... do you love him? More than me?"
Seungri opened his mouth and choked up a little, then flicked his head noncommittally. He backed away from Jiyong and burst out the door.
Jiyong fell, and crouched on his knees with his hands on his face. His pride and ego were wounded, yes, but he never thought that something this minor would cause him so much rage. Weren't you going to break it off anyways? Because things were pretty much at a stalemate with him? You said you didn't really love him. This is a good excuse to stop now, a voice sneered inside his head, repeating itself over and over again.
He wasn't sure how he could have felt nothing before when he felt everything now.
- - -
Seunghyun walked in to see Jiyong calmly lounging on the couch. He jumped into the next seat and reached for the remote.
Jiyong abruptly grabbed the roommate by the collar with two hands and initiated a fierce kiss. Seunghyun struggled from the surprisingly forceful Jiyong and managed to shove the other off of him. Jiyong crashed, sprawling on the floor.
"What the fuck, Jiyong!" Seunghyun half-shouted, standing up. "I don't like you in that way anymore, and you have a boyfriend now."
"Seungri. He cheated on me," Jiyong spat, slightly breathless. "I need -I need something." He lunged again and attempted to yank off the other man's belt.
"What you need isn't revenge or a replacement," Seunghyun said quickly, stumbling back towards the door. "This isn't going to solve anything. You should think things through instead of attacking the people nearest to you. Why Seungri must have cheated on you. Why you're handling this so badly." He squinted his eyes, scanning, scrutinizing Jiyong.
Jiyong began to cry.
- - -
Seungri was on a date.
It was a short date at the mall with Youngbae, a blissful three hours of comfortable conversation and shopping. Seungri felt secure, floating without the uncertainty of whether his partner would catch him if he fell. This time, at least his romance was not a last resort, like his entire life.
Youngbae leaned in to whisper sweet nothings in Seungri's ear.
Suddenly, Seungri felt sick, the ice cream in his stomach churning around to make its way up. Last resort? Is this what he did now, grab someone to use until he could ditch for someone he found who was better?
"I have a boyfriend."
"Yes, me." Youngbae smiled, his eyes disappearing from his happiness.
Seungri felt even sicker.
"Someone else. Before you. I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking."
He dropped the bags and ran.
- - -
After one week, Jiyong finally agreed to talk.
"I broke everything off with Youngbae hyung. We can start over."
"You can't just start something over, Seungri. We're not going to forget. If we don't discuss this it will just happen again."
"So what, should we break up?"
The words hung in the air. Seungri immediately regretted his words and wished he could swallow them back. Please, just say no.
"I dated you because you were available. Because I was lonely. Because it was just easy. I'm sure it was the same for you. I don't really see how that kind of relationship could continue."
Seungri's arms fell limp to his sides.
"But I suppose... after I thought you would leave me for him, it was one of those things. You don't know what you're taking for granted until it leaves you..."
Seungri's voice wavered. "Let's work this out, hyung. Please." He did not know why he felt such need to pull through, why he was clinging on. Months of dating gone to waste?
He pulled Jiyong into a kiss. It was neither romantic nor desperate. It was resigned, sealing an invisible contract, with neither side knowing why, why am I falling back on the last resort again.
- - -
Romance, they found out, was not really like anything from the movies.
Seungri no longer considered himself a fatalist. He had no such thing as a destined lover. He was attempting to work out something that was never very valuable in the first place. There was a sense of responsibility from his guilt, a sense of regret if he let someone so similar to him go.
As for Jiyong, he did not know why he could not let go. Seungri was like a cigarette, something he decided to try apathetically but cascaded into becoming a need. The enjoyment value disappeared as the inexplicable craving clung on.
There was no magic. But there was effort.
- - -
They are on their first date after their reconciliation, a date very similar to the one Seungri had with Youngbae not very long ago. There are still so many loose ends. Seungri has not yet faced Youngbae. Jiyong maintains a safe distance from Seunghyun, his own roommate. They both do not know where anything is going.
"You like this singer?" Jiyong asks, licking his ice cream.
"Yeah. Well, I want to be like him. I'm still thinking of auditioning again for the same company next year," Seungri explains, accidentally missing and smearing ice cream on his cheek.
"I didn't know that. Well, if you make it, you'll be Seungri, the dancing pop star onstage," Jiyong grins, then pauses. "And then Lee Seunghyun, Kwon Jiyong's boyfriend, offstage."
He hesitates, then reaches over to wipe off the mess with a napkin. Seungri jerks a little in surprise.
Butterflies.
He wonders when he had lost his name. He wonders if he is finally hopping back on the right track. He wonders if something that had been ashes for so long could ignite, gradually. As if goals, feelings, and relationships are all on reverse.
"I really like you. Hyung."
It's not love. But someday, it can be.
A/N: Ueeurrgh, I kind of effed up everything halfway through. And I know, no Daesung, unfortunately. I was going to add him as Seungri's roommate but he ended up having no significant role and it just seemed like name-dropping excess if I included him in.
Author: finkling
Pairings: Gri [main], Baeri, GTOP.
Rating: PG-13
Genre: AU, Romance, Drama
Summary: The path of a last resort relationship goes into reverse as they try to hold on.
A/N: Worked on this a couple weeks ago but it took a while for some reason. Pretty much cut out half of the story. Anyways, just excited for the Big Bang comeback, lol. My first time trying AU. Please read, and enjoy!
He was Lee Seunghyun, an average boy of an average height with average abilities. He once had visions of becoming something more than your typical run-of-the-mill student who failed to live up to anyone's hopeful expectations of academic success. He would have become a star. But he didn't have enough talent, didn't have enough connections, didn't have enough charisma. Was too fucking average. Throughout his uneventful years of grade school he still kept hope -I'm still young, I'm still young, I'm still young -but before he knew it he was already lugging up his suitcases in front of the dorms of his new, mediocre college, Yonghap University, and it felt as if his fate was already sealed. He cursed himself for being such a fatalist.
He had a lot of friends. Friends to drink with, friends to laugh with, friends to flirt with. But there was no one he could really consider a close friend. Seunghyun poured out his trust to many people, but reciprocation was scarce. He supposed that he didn't really click in the right way with many people. Perhaps he just wasn't a very deep or complicated person. No one really noticed much of what he really thought or felt about anything -not that people didn't care about him at all, it was just that no one really acknowledged his presence when he wasn't loudly grabbing attention towards himself. So it didn't surprise him that when he finally came out to everyone that he was gay, people responded with only mild surprise and vague acceptance.
He didn't mind at first. But after a while, the loneliness of having no one to lean on was suffocating. Seunghyun began actively looking for a partner, because even if he paired up with someone superficially, there was at least the trite obligation of always having to be there for the other even if there was no pull.
"Hey, I'm Kwon Jiyong. I'm a junior right now -how about you?"
He was Kwon Jiyong, his senior by two years that sat next to him in his history class who had also wanted to become an entertainer. Seunghyun didn't take a particular liking to him very much. In fact, he often felt a touch of annoyance and bitterness as he looked upon this hyung. In a way, it was like looking at an older version of himself, someone who failed at everything he had dreamed for, someone who was taking this path as a meaningless back up. Looking at Jiyong reminded him that everything was hopeless, that in two years he would end up nowhere, just like he did.
Unsurprisingly, these similarities were what brought them together. Both tried to connect with other men and pleaded with themselves to click with others, but to no avail. Strangely, naturally, they became partners, lovers, and in the back of their minds they knew their relationship was merely a last resort, just like the path they had taken, and they were too afraid to reach further for anyone else.
- - -
They were sitting in the room of Jiyong's apartment, in front of the television, playing a shooting game. Seunghyun was determined, staring at the screen intently, face twitching in concentration while Jiyong was hollering and jumping around all over the place. Jiyong's roommate, incidentally called Choi Seunghyun, looked on rather apathetically at the game as he ate a bowl of cereal.
Seunghyun won, and immediately he threw down the controller and flipped his fingers into a V sign. "Fuck yeah, victory! Take that, Jiyong hyung."
Jiyong leaned back, a little disappointed and tired from his excitement, but mostly content. He wrapped his arm lazily around the other. "You really like winning, don't you?"
Seunghyun grinned. "Yeah. Who doesn't?"
Jiyong smiled. "My Victory. My Seungri," he drawled, stroking Seunghyun's hair.
From then on, Seunghyun was then Seungri.
The name caught on. He was no longer just Jiyong's victory, but everyone's victory. Seungri liked being called a winner, but he knew that Jiyong simply had not wanted to mix up the lover Seunghyun with the close friend Seunghyun. He knew that he was the one that had to be changed, the one that was irrelevant enough to alter. Funnily enough, it didn't matter. The nickname gave him an identity.
- - -
As it turned out, Jiyong and Seungri were nearly perfect for each other. Jiyong was eccentric and quirky. Seungri was more grounded, although occasionally goofy, flirty, or socially clumsy. Essentially, though, he was much more lost than Jiyong was, still finding his path. Jiyong was almost -but not quite -a genius in music, and Seungri would never get to that level, no matter how hard he tried. But he was superior to the other on almost all other levels, following the well-rounded style, so life went on.
Incredibly, despite these apparent differences and symptoms of strange genius versus hardworking all around player, both were fundamentally the same inside. It was as if a camera took a picture of Seungri and developed Jiyong, or of Jiyong and developed to Seungri. A picture perfect couple.
But that was exactly the problem. No one wants to date himself. You could never love yourself the same way as you love a lover. Even a narcissist could testify the difference if he found the right one.
There was no spark.
- - -
It was Monday morning, nine o' clock. Seungri walked inside the elevator, heading over to class, grumpy from sleepiness. The doors began to close as he heard quick footsteps across the hall. "Wait! Please hold the door!"
He grabbed the side of the elevator and allowed another student on his floor to dash in. The student was rather short but bulky and toned, with plain features aside from his mohawk hairstyle. "Thanks."
Seungri nodded. "Sorry, what's your name again? I'm Seungri. Freshman. I mean, Seunghyun. I mean, well, call me whatever you want."
"Okay, Seunghyun," the other smiled. "I'm Youngbae. Third year. Nice to meet you."
"You too, Youngbae... hyung."
They continued to see each other in the elevator at nine. Eventually, sometime, somehow, Seungri started to look forward to his elevator rides in the morning.
- - -
A sitcom blared on the television as Jiyong and Seunghyun ate ramen on the couch. The program went into commercials and Jiyong turned towards the other.
"Our 100 day anniversary is coming up. Seungri and me, I mean. Not really sure what to get him or what to do. I want it to be special... my anniversaries with my past boyfriends were never special."
"Just go take the romantic route and eat at a nice restaurant and have some sexy time after," Seunghyun said, still facing the television. "Or do something more exciting. Go to an amusement park."
"That doesn't really sound like us," Jiyong muttered.
The show returned, and both concentrated on the program, laughing here and there. The sitcom rolled into the credits.
"What do you think of Seungri and me?"
"I think I don't give a shit."
The two lapsed back into silence. After a few minutes, Jiyong cleared his throat.
"Seriously."
Seunghyun sighed and turned off the screen. "Honestly, you guys don't seem to love each other that much. It's like you're both staying together just for the sake of... staying together."
"Hm."
Silence.
"Well, do you love him?"
Jiyong had no answer.
- - -
History class. Everyone was paired up for an assignment. The rustling of papers, the consistent chatter, the occasional footsteps -all contributed to the dull symphony of the room that lulled Seungri into daydreaming. For some reason, Jiyong's voice was not the solo, but included in the orchestra.
"...and then he kept begging for me to sing with him even though he sucks balls at it."
"Mhm."
"I mean, who does he think he's kidding, right?"
"Right."
"So I told him there was no chance in hell that I would." Laughter.
"Oh."
Jiyong frowned. "Seungri? Baby? What's gotten into you today? Did you even listen to what I just said?" He tilted his head under Seungri's and prodded him slightly.
Seungri stirred a little. "Wait, what?"
Deep sighs. "Never mind."
- - -
"...so I pretty much ended up failing the whole thing," Seungri concluded, as Youngbae laughed right on cue.They were at a small café next to their dorms. This time, Seungri was rapt with attention. In some respects, Youngbae was exactly what Seungri needed. He was attentive and could grasp the subtleties of Seungri -no, Seunghyun's -emotions. Both were open to each other and there was a connection that could not readily be found with Jiyong, no matter how many similarities they shared superficially. Less words, with more understanding.
"This is kind of awkward, but I'm really glad I met you, Seunghyun," Youngbae said, smiling.
Seungri laughed. "Me too, hyung." Hyung. He wasn't Youngbae hyung anymore, just hyung. His hyung.
Youngbae hesitated, then leaned in for a kiss.
- - -
It went on for a while, but Seungri eventually caved in to the guilt.
"What?" Jiyong was disbelieving, cold, furious.
"I -I'm sorry, Jiyong hyung. We just kissed a few times. Nothing more."
"Nothing more?" Jiyong seethed, gripping his chair. His voice rose. "Nothing more? Do you think it's okay just because you didn't fuck him? How could you even do this to me, after all I did for you? Couldn't you have at least broken it off with me before giggling along with this Youngbae, and spared me the humiliation?" He broke off, breathing angrily, and suddenly lifted his hand reflexively in motion to slap Seungri.
Seungri flinched, twiddling his thumbs. "I'm so sorry."
"Sorry doesn't cut it. We never even... shit, Seungri, have we even said 'I love you' to each other?"
Silence.
"Does he know?"
Seungri shook his head, head dipping to face the ground.
Jiyong cursed inaudibly under his breath, then dropped to a whisper, shaking a little. "Do... do you love him? More than me?"
Seungri opened his mouth and choked up a little, then flicked his head noncommittally. He backed away from Jiyong and burst out the door.
Jiyong fell, and crouched on his knees with his hands on his face. His pride and ego were wounded, yes, but he never thought that something this minor would cause him so much rage. Weren't you going to break it off anyways? Because things were pretty much at a stalemate with him? You said you didn't really love him. This is a good excuse to stop now, a voice sneered inside his head, repeating itself over and over again.
He wasn't sure how he could have felt nothing before when he felt everything now.
- - -
Seunghyun walked in to see Jiyong calmly lounging on the couch. He jumped into the next seat and reached for the remote.
Jiyong abruptly grabbed the roommate by the collar with two hands and initiated a fierce kiss. Seunghyun struggled from the surprisingly forceful Jiyong and managed to shove the other off of him. Jiyong crashed, sprawling on the floor.
"What the fuck, Jiyong!" Seunghyun half-shouted, standing up. "I don't like you in that way anymore, and you have a boyfriend now."
"Seungri. He cheated on me," Jiyong spat, slightly breathless. "I need -I need something." He lunged again and attempted to yank off the other man's belt.
"What you need isn't revenge or a replacement," Seunghyun said quickly, stumbling back towards the door. "This isn't going to solve anything. You should think things through instead of attacking the people nearest to you. Why Seungri must have cheated on you. Why you're handling this so badly." He squinted his eyes, scanning, scrutinizing Jiyong.
Jiyong began to cry.
- - -
Seungri was on a date.
It was a short date at the mall with Youngbae, a blissful three hours of comfortable conversation and shopping. Seungri felt secure, floating without the uncertainty of whether his partner would catch him if he fell. This time, at least his romance was not a last resort, like his entire life.
Youngbae leaned in to whisper sweet nothings in Seungri's ear.
Suddenly, Seungri felt sick, the ice cream in his stomach churning around to make its way up. Last resort? Is this what he did now, grab someone to use until he could ditch for someone he found who was better?
"I have a boyfriend."
"Yes, me." Youngbae smiled, his eyes disappearing from his happiness.
Seungri felt even sicker.
"Someone else. Before you. I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking."
He dropped the bags and ran.
- - -
After one week, Jiyong finally agreed to talk.
"I broke everything off with Youngbae hyung. We can start over."
"You can't just start something over, Seungri. We're not going to forget. If we don't discuss this it will just happen again."
"So what, should we break up?"
The words hung in the air. Seungri immediately regretted his words and wished he could swallow them back. Please, just say no.
"I dated you because you were available. Because I was lonely. Because it was just easy. I'm sure it was the same for you. I don't really see how that kind of relationship could continue."
Seungri's arms fell limp to his sides.
"But I suppose... after I thought you would leave me for him, it was one of those things. You don't know what you're taking for granted until it leaves you..."
Seungri's voice wavered. "Let's work this out, hyung. Please." He did not know why he felt such need to pull through, why he was clinging on. Months of dating gone to waste?
He pulled Jiyong into a kiss. It was neither romantic nor desperate. It was resigned, sealing an invisible contract, with neither side knowing why, why am I falling back on the last resort again.
- - -
Romance, they found out, was not really like anything from the movies.
Seungri no longer considered himself a fatalist. He had no such thing as a destined lover. He was attempting to work out something that was never very valuable in the first place. There was a sense of responsibility from his guilt, a sense of regret if he let someone so similar to him go.
As for Jiyong, he did not know why he could not let go. Seungri was like a cigarette, something he decided to try apathetically but cascaded into becoming a need. The enjoyment value disappeared as the inexplicable craving clung on.
There was no magic. But there was effort.
- - -
They are on their first date after their reconciliation, a date very similar to the one Seungri had with Youngbae not very long ago. There are still so many loose ends. Seungri has not yet faced Youngbae. Jiyong maintains a safe distance from Seunghyun, his own roommate. They both do not know where anything is going.
"You like this singer?" Jiyong asks, licking his ice cream.
"Yeah. Well, I want to be like him. I'm still thinking of auditioning again for the same company next year," Seungri explains, accidentally missing and smearing ice cream on his cheek.
"I didn't know that. Well, if you make it, you'll be Seungri, the dancing pop star onstage," Jiyong grins, then pauses. "And then Lee Seunghyun, Kwon Jiyong's boyfriend, offstage."
He hesitates, then reaches over to wipe off the mess with a napkin. Seungri jerks a little in surprise.
Butterflies.
He wonders when he had lost his name. He wonders if he is finally hopping back on the right track. He wonders if something that had been ashes for so long could ignite, gradually. As if goals, feelings, and relationships are all on reverse.
"I really like you. Hyung."
It's not love. But someday, it can be.
A/N: Ueeurrgh, I kind of effed up everything halfway through. And I know, no Daesung, unfortunately. I was going to add him as Seungri's roommate but he ended up having no significant role and it just seemed like name-dropping excess if I included him in.