[Private]
I can't believe we survived that. Still not quite sure we did. The others all seem content to let things lie, but it's not so easy for me. None of them have to deal with the fallout. I'm the one who sees Halifax at every gathering, sees how she watches me, sees the hate in her eyes. She makes my skin crawl. We got lucky, that's all. If she hadn't been so overconfident and broken the Masquerade, we'd all be dead now. Don't they get that? Don't they understand what a dangerous game we're playing?
Of course they don't. What am I thinking? They've barely scratched the surface. Hell, I've barely scratched the surface of all this, and as scared as I am, I'm sure it's not nearly enough. It's probably better this way. If they knew what I know, they'd be pissing themselves. If I could still piss I'd probably be joining them.
There's a silver lining, at least: I don't have to hide from them anymore. I didn't realize what a big deal that was until it happened. It's still a little weird to realize that they know and still aren't afraid of me. With Icarus it sort of made sense--he didn't exactly have a choice--but the others? I know Tina at least had half a mind to stake me and leave me to burn. Maybe she still does, I dunno. I saw what she tried to do to Trevor. I can't blame her, really, or any of them, but I still couldn't let her destroy him. It's not like I know him as a person but I don't think he's all bad on the inside. Clan loyalty is a powerful thing. None of them can understand that.
And yet, even though they don't understand me, or us, or any of it, somehow it's okay. They're not trying to destroy me--at least, not yet. For whatever reason, they've decided to trust me. I hope they don't change their minds.
I don't want to fight them.
Of course they don't. What am I thinking? They've barely scratched the surface. Hell, I've barely scratched the surface of all this, and as scared as I am, I'm sure it's not nearly enough. It's probably better this way. If they knew what I know, they'd be pissing themselves. If I could still piss I'd probably be joining them.
There's a silver lining, at least: I don't have to hide from them anymore. I didn't realize what a big deal that was until it happened. It's still a little weird to realize that they know and still aren't afraid of me. With Icarus it sort of made sense--he didn't exactly have a choice--but the others? I know Tina at least had half a mind to stake me and leave me to burn. Maybe she still does, I dunno. I saw what she tried to do to Trevor. I can't blame her, really, or any of them, but I still couldn't let her destroy him. It's not like I know him as a person but I don't think he's all bad on the inside. Clan loyalty is a powerful thing. None of them can understand that.
And yet, even though they don't understand me, or us, or any of it, somehow it's okay. They're not trying to destroy me--at least, not yet. For whatever reason, they've decided to trust me. I hope they don't change their minds.
I don't want to fight them.