Who Would Jesus Do?
Yeah, so... I'm being forced by the administration to take a religion course this semester, since America went from being Land of the Free to Home of the Saved. Actually, I think the official title is Provisional Home of the Saved: Go to Hell, Heathens and Faggots. But Give Us Your Money First. The only class that fits my schedule is Theology. Yeah. Theology is the one where you try to prove the existence of God through science and logic. Kind of an oxymoron, really, but who am I to fight Big Brother?
I showed up a little early on the first day of class, because that's what you're supposed to do if you want a professor to remember who you are. Yeah. I really shouldn't have bothered. The professor walked into the lecture hall and broke the ice with, "So... who here's been saved?" The half dozen or so of us who were there made that oh, fuck me face. And one of the guys, completely baffled, said, "Saved from what?" And I'm pretty sure you can guess what followed. Saved from sin, saved by Jesus, saved from the Devil, saved by faith in the king of kings, alleluia, glory be to God, hail Mary full of grace, help us win this stock car race. Christ Al-fucking-mighty, right? My theology professor is Born Again. And he really doesn't like me.
I don't believe in God; I don't believe in the "sanctity" of marriage; I don't believe a single word of the Bible, including and and the; I don't believe in the Ten Commandments; and I'll be frigged if I'm going to follow orders given by a bunch of men who couldn't find their asses with a map, a flashlight, and forty years of wandering through deserts. Seriously, if I did what the Bible says, I should be down at a river right now sacrificing turtles. Because that's what menstrual maidens are supposed to do. TMI? I don't care.
Anyway. Our first assignment was to explain the relevance of the Ten Commandments in today's society. I don't believe they are relevant, and I explained my reasons (at great length) quite coherently. Excuse my arrogance, but I'm a better writer than most people I know. And no, this journal doesn't count - online, you're a fucking genius is you know the difference between there, their, and they're. The point is, I give good essay, the Life of the Dead Priest notwithstanding. So I wrote my Irrelevant Commandments essay, backed it up with indisputable facts and anecdotes, and my professor now believes that I'm sociopathic. He threatened to drop me with a Fail from the course, so I went to the department head and bitched. She read my essay and thought it was brilliant. Yes, she said "brilliant." I'm not just stroking my ego. She totally reamed the professor out, too. It was fun.
So now I always make sure to sit front and center in the lecture hall. He gives me his best "Go to Hell, spawn of Satan" look, and I give him my "Same to you but more of it" look. That's fun, too.
Today, the department head sat in on the class, so Professor Born Again did his best to ignore me. Seriously. He didn't ask me a single question, or answer one of mine. This week we've been discussing humanity as proof of God. As in, look how special we are! I don't buy it in the least, and I have my Voluntary Human Extinction Badge to prove it. So we were sitting around discussing "human superiority", and the department head joined in. She noticed I wasn't "participating in the debate," so I got to do my Just Who Do We Think We Are? speech.
Shortened version: There are six billion people on the planet. Take all of us and put us in a box, averaging every person is six feet in height and two feet in width. Leave a couple inches between people to prevent crushing them. The box is a cube, equal on all sides. How big is the cube? Seriously, guess. Answer: two miles on every side. Which is pretty pathetic. If you take away the extra room and crush everyone in, the cube is just four times as high as the World Trade Towers were. And if you take that cube and toss in into the ocean, how much does the water level rise by? Less than the thickness of a fingernail. Yeah. People sure are important. Put every insect in a cube, and it's four times bigger than ours. Bugs rock.
Born Again didn't much appreciate my contribution. The class stoners did, though. They all just sat there trying to imagine cramming everyone into a box... "Dude... Like, whoa. Dude." Anyway. I hope we get to do a topic-of-your-choice essay soon, because I want to write about those rumors that have been circulating recently that Jesus was gay. It's fun annoying psychotically religious people. Especially when they're psychotically religious middle-aged white males. I like seeing that forehead vein twitch. And as long as I make sure to back my paper up with resources, he can't do a damn thing about it. I want to make him give me an A for doing nothing but pissing him off.
And now I'm off to get ready for a night out with Katie. We're going to Jacques, because she wants to hang out with "the gay." Which I sort of don't get, because she is the gay. Katie is the gayest of the gay, and even the drag queens at Jacques bow down before her. It should be a fun evening, though. Ho parades are always worth the admission.
Note to Self: Drink lots of water, and don't sleep with Katie.
I showed up a little early on the first day of class, because that's what you're supposed to do if you want a professor to remember who you are. Yeah. I really shouldn't have bothered. The professor walked into the lecture hall and broke the ice with, "So... who here's been saved?" The half dozen or so of us who were there made that oh, fuck me face. And one of the guys, completely baffled, said, "Saved from what?" And I'm pretty sure you can guess what followed. Saved from sin, saved by Jesus, saved from the Devil, saved by faith in the king of kings, alleluia, glory be to God, hail Mary full of grace, help us win this stock car race. Christ Al-fucking-mighty, right? My theology professor is Born Again. And he really doesn't like me.
I don't believe in God; I don't believe in the "sanctity" of marriage; I don't believe a single word of the Bible, including and and the; I don't believe in the Ten Commandments; and I'll be frigged if I'm going to follow orders given by a bunch of men who couldn't find their asses with a map, a flashlight, and forty years of wandering through deserts. Seriously, if I did what the Bible says, I should be down at a river right now sacrificing turtles. Because that's what menstrual maidens are supposed to do. TMI? I don't care.
Anyway. Our first assignment was to explain the relevance of the Ten Commandments in today's society. I don't believe they are relevant, and I explained my reasons (at great length) quite coherently. Excuse my arrogance, but I'm a better writer than most people I know. And no, this journal doesn't count - online, you're a fucking genius is you know the difference between there, their, and they're. The point is, I give good essay, the Life of the Dead Priest notwithstanding. So I wrote my Irrelevant Commandments essay, backed it up with indisputable facts and anecdotes, and my professor now believes that I'm sociopathic. He threatened to drop me with a Fail from the course, so I went to the department head and bitched. She read my essay and thought it was brilliant. Yes, she said "brilliant." I'm not just stroking my ego. She totally reamed the professor out, too. It was fun.
So now I always make sure to sit front and center in the lecture hall. He gives me his best "Go to Hell, spawn of Satan" look, and I give him my "Same to you but more of it" look. That's fun, too.
Today, the department head sat in on the class, so Professor Born Again did his best to ignore me. Seriously. He didn't ask me a single question, or answer one of mine. This week we've been discussing humanity as proof of God. As in, look how special we are! I don't buy it in the least, and I have my Voluntary Human Extinction Badge to prove it. So we were sitting around discussing "human superiority", and the department head joined in. She noticed I wasn't "participating in the debate," so I got to do my Just Who Do We Think We Are? speech.
Shortened version: There are six billion people on the planet. Take all of us and put us in a box, averaging every person is six feet in height and two feet in width. Leave a couple inches between people to prevent crushing them. The box is a cube, equal on all sides. How big is the cube? Seriously, guess. Answer: two miles on every side. Which is pretty pathetic. If you take away the extra room and crush everyone in, the cube is just four times as high as the World Trade Towers were. And if you take that cube and toss in into the ocean, how much does the water level rise by? Less than the thickness of a fingernail. Yeah. People sure are important. Put every insect in a cube, and it's four times bigger than ours. Bugs rock.
Born Again didn't much appreciate my contribution. The class stoners did, though. They all just sat there trying to imagine cramming everyone into a box... "Dude... Like, whoa. Dude." Anyway. I hope we get to do a topic-of-your-choice essay soon, because I want to write about those rumors that have been circulating recently that Jesus was gay. It's fun annoying psychotically religious people. Especially when they're psychotically religious middle-aged white males. I like seeing that forehead vein twitch. And as long as I make sure to back my paper up with resources, he can't do a damn thing about it. I want to make him give me an A for doing nothing but pissing him off.
And now I'm off to get ready for a night out with Katie. We're going to Jacques, because she wants to hang out with "the gay." Which I sort of don't get, because she is the gay. Katie is the gayest of the gay, and even the drag queens at Jacques bow down before her. It should be a fun evening, though. Ho parades are always worth the admission.
Note to Self: Drink lots of water, and don't sleep with Katie.