Homicidal Lunatic Escapes Asylum -or- Friday Night Fun...
Yeah, so... my left arm is a giant bruise. It was worth it, though, so I can't complain. Last night Amy, Katie, Lexi, Kerri and I went into Boston to join the horde of holiday shoppers. It wasn't much fun, but it never is. It's just one of those things you have to do. Sort of how there's no point to Boston's First Night, other than freezing your ass off and laughing at drunk frostbitten tourists. You do it because it's there. Amy was the only one who had any fun. She yelled at carolers for being tone-deaf, screwed up the bell-ringers' rhythm, gave tourists bad directions, and made a general nuisance of herself. Amy can do those things because she's a moron. Which is to say, she doesn't care if people think she's crazy. I don't care much, either, but even I draw the line at insisting a mounted policeman change the name of his horse. Since I was out with my own pack of lesbians and quasi-heteros, Amy's behavior was shrugged off as, "...it's because she's stupid, and stupid people are too dumb to be insecure." Which I'm pretty sure is an L Word thing. I could be wrong.
We finally convinced Amy to leave around midnight. The stores had been closed for a while by then, and she was running out of fake accents to use. Katie had actually refused to talk to her since about 10:30, after she decided it would be fun to ask for Katie's hand in marriage. Loudly, in front a large group of people who were obviously from the South. It wasn't terribly pretty, and Lexi summed it up best with one word: "Run!"
We were about halfway home when Kerri's car broke down. Some belt that makes something move slipped off or broke or whatever. I don't know cars. But the point is, the car lost forward momentum. No one suggested driving home in reverse, which, in retrospect, is sort of surprising. Not that it would have worked. It's just surprising nobody suggested it. To be fair, the atmosphere was a little tense for anyone to think being a smartass would be a good idea. Amy had been singing "Going To The Chapel" for a good fifteen minutes before she clued into the fact that no one was amused. It didn't make her stop singing, though. She picked back up with "All My Ex's Live In Texas," and didn't stop until Katie threatened to garrote her with her new scarf. Then the car stopped moving. That shut Amy up, but I'm pretty sure it was only because she thought that Kerri was pulling over to kick her out.
Kerri called AAA, and we had to wait for a while. I was kind of afraid Amy was going to start singing again, so I started telling that stupid story about the escaped lunatic with the metal claws. Remember that one? Wife and hubby are on the way home from a party, the car runs out of gas, and hubby decides to walk to the gas station they passed a few miles back. (Remember life before cell phones?) The wife turns on the radio, and hears a bulletin about a homicidal lunatic who escaped from an asylum not too far off. The lunatic has metal claws on one hand instead of fingers. The wife hears a tree branch scratching on the car, and, after a while, realizes the scratching isn't so much a tree branch as it is a homicidal lunatic making a hole in the roof. (And, no, I never understood why he didn't just bust a window, so don't ask.) I took a good fifteen minutes drawing the story out. I was at the point when the wife turns a light on to look for a weapon or something, hears the scratching stop, and looks up to see one eye looking down at her through the hole, when I saw the AAA truck coming in the rearview mirror. So I picked up the pace, made the scratching go faster, and just as the lunatic shoves his claw-hand through the hole to grab the wife... the AAA knocked on the window. And everyone screamed bloody murder. Well, everyone except me. I was too busy laughing myself to death. And then I got hit. A lot.
Kerri finally got out to talk to the guy, and when she came back she punched me. Hard. So, for petty vengeance, I asked her if she'd checked the guy's credentials. 'Cause, ya know, what if he was a psycho, and he was just making sure we were really stuck before going back to his truck and getting his hunting rifle... That got me a "Shut. Up." I waited until the AAA guy was back behind the hood, then fished my keys out and started scratching them on the metal of the seat adjustment lever. Just a nice, slow *scritch*...*scritch*...*scritch.* The reaction, though silent, was priceless. It took almost a minute before Lexi realized that I was the one making the noise. And then I got hit all over again. It was so worth it.
The AAA guy managed to get the belt thing fixed, bless his homicidal heart, and sent us on our way. By the time we got home, everyone was doing that lame, "Who me? I wasn't scared. Not at all. I was just playing along." But Katie forgot she was mad at Amy, and Amy forgot to sing for the rest of the ride, so I didn't push it. Besides, my ears were still ringing from their shrieks of I'm-Not-Terrified. I'll have to tell them the Hook story when we drive in for First Night...
We finally convinced Amy to leave around midnight. The stores had been closed for a while by then, and she was running out of fake accents to use. Katie had actually refused to talk to her since about 10:30, after she decided it would be fun to ask for Katie's hand in marriage. Loudly, in front a large group of people who were obviously from the South. It wasn't terribly pretty, and Lexi summed it up best with one word: "Run!"
We were about halfway home when Kerri's car broke down. Some belt that makes something move slipped off or broke or whatever. I don't know cars. But the point is, the car lost forward momentum. No one suggested driving home in reverse, which, in retrospect, is sort of surprising. Not that it would have worked. It's just surprising nobody suggested it. To be fair, the atmosphere was a little tense for anyone to think being a smartass would be a good idea. Amy had been singing "Going To The Chapel" for a good fifteen minutes before she clued into the fact that no one was amused. It didn't make her stop singing, though. She picked back up with "All My Ex's Live In Texas," and didn't stop until Katie threatened to garrote her with her new scarf. Then the car stopped moving. That shut Amy up, but I'm pretty sure it was only because she thought that Kerri was pulling over to kick her out.
Kerri called AAA, and we had to wait for a while. I was kind of afraid Amy was going to start singing again, so I started telling that stupid story about the escaped lunatic with the metal claws. Remember that one? Wife and hubby are on the way home from a party, the car runs out of gas, and hubby decides to walk to the gas station they passed a few miles back. (Remember life before cell phones?) The wife turns on the radio, and hears a bulletin about a homicidal lunatic who escaped from an asylum not too far off. The lunatic has metal claws on one hand instead of fingers. The wife hears a tree branch scratching on the car, and, after a while, realizes the scratching isn't so much a tree branch as it is a homicidal lunatic making a hole in the roof. (And, no, I never understood why he didn't just bust a window, so don't ask.) I took a good fifteen minutes drawing the story out. I was at the point when the wife turns a light on to look for a weapon or something, hears the scratching stop, and looks up to see one eye looking down at her through the hole, when I saw the AAA truck coming in the rearview mirror. So I picked up the pace, made the scratching go faster, and just as the lunatic shoves his claw-hand through the hole to grab the wife... the AAA knocked on the window. And everyone screamed bloody murder. Well, everyone except me. I was too busy laughing myself to death. And then I got hit. A lot.
Kerri finally got out to talk to the guy, and when she came back she punched me. Hard. So, for petty vengeance, I asked her if she'd checked the guy's credentials. 'Cause, ya know, what if he was a psycho, and he was just making sure we were really stuck before going back to his truck and getting his hunting rifle... That got me a "Shut. Up." I waited until the AAA guy was back behind the hood, then fished my keys out and started scratching them on the metal of the seat adjustment lever. Just a nice, slow *scritch*...*scritch*...*scritch.* The reaction, though silent, was priceless. It took almost a minute before Lexi realized that I was the one making the noise. And then I got hit all over again. It was so worth it.
The AAA guy managed to get the belt thing fixed, bless his homicidal heart, and sent us on our way. By the time we got home, everyone was doing that lame, "Who me? I wasn't scared. Not at all. I was just playing along." But Katie forgot she was mad at Amy, and Amy forgot to sing for the rest of the ride, so I didn't push it. Besides, my ears were still ringing from their shrieks of I'm-Not-Terrified. I'll have to tell them the Hook story when we drive in for First Night...