WHY?!?!?!
I don't understand why I can't get these pictures out of my head. They wouldn't bother me so much if they were of someone else. I should be doing my homework, but instead, I keep picturing my desires being fufilled and it kills me to know that the feelings that are filling me won't ever be intense and real. I'm not being a self-pitying little girl. I'm a realist.
It only hurts when I breathe
When I make-believe
That maybe he truly needs me
It only hurts me when
I breathe.
It doesn't help that everytime things are going well, I say something so ridiculous and put my foot so far down my throat that I can't clear things up. I bring up the past and someone who hurt me and I close up again. Just when I'm getting close to someone who won't verbally or emotionally abuse me, I'll block my feelings. Instead, I tell him that I've been hurt too much and then I proceed to help him get the girl he likes. I want him to be happy and won't let myself be happy. I go back to the guy who continues to hurt me because he's the only one there, and the cycle begins all over again. He's the only one there because I make him the only one there. I know it's my fault. I'm just too scared to make it any different.
I know I'm not perfect, and I'm perfectly fine with that. I just wish certain others could accept that, and maybe possibly grow to like it. I'm trying to be a better person. I won't change myself; I shouldn't have to, and I definetly wont' do it for someone else because they probably aren't worth it.
I just want a guy friend who is as good as the jackass once was. He was an amazing boyfriend. If I can just find a way to keep him out of my life I'll be fine. But, to do that, I need someone to show me that not all guys are like him. There has yet to be anyone to do that.
And as much as I love you, Zach, it needs to be someone with a different policy on girls ;).
EDIT: I have just once again, repeated my mistakes. Someone make me stop!
It only hurts when I breathe
When I make-believe
That maybe he truly needs me
It only hurts me when
I breathe.
It doesn't help that everytime things are going well, I say something so ridiculous and put my foot so far down my throat that I can't clear things up. I bring up the past and someone who hurt me and I close up again. Just when I'm getting close to someone who won't verbally or emotionally abuse me, I'll block my feelings. Instead, I tell him that I've been hurt too much and then I proceed to help him get the girl he likes. I want him to be happy and won't let myself be happy. I go back to the guy who continues to hurt me because he's the only one there, and the cycle begins all over again. He's the only one there because I make him the only one there. I know it's my fault. I'm just too scared to make it any different.
I know I'm not perfect, and I'm perfectly fine with that. I just wish certain others could accept that, and maybe possibly grow to like it. I'm trying to be a better person. I won't change myself; I shouldn't have to, and I definetly wont' do it for someone else because they probably aren't worth it.
I just want a guy friend who is as good as the jackass once was. He was an amazing boyfriend. If I can just find a way to keep him out of my life I'll be fine. But, to do that, I need someone to show me that not all guys are like him. There has yet to be anyone to do that.
And as much as I love you, Zach, it needs to be someone with a different policy on girls ;).
EDIT: I have just once again, repeated my mistakes. Someone make me stop!