why do i care?
why do i want to hear his voice?
why do i want to talk?
why do i want to know that he hurts too?
why do i want him to feel like shit?
why do i still give a damn about him?
so hears the deal:
about 2 weekends ago he and i broke up, for reasons such as: our faith was not at the same level, our relationship was too sexual, and we disagree fairly often. He told me during our breakup that he still really cared about me and really liked me, and if the world were a different place then we could be together, but it's not. And that following week, allll week, we continued to talk and see each other. Where one night he made it a priority to come out and see me, in which he was very sweet and complimenting me and cuddling with me. I believe two days later I came over and hung out with him and we regressed back to what we didn't want. In the middle of it all i asked him "is this what you really want" he smiled and kissed me and that was it. The next day, he was furious, blamed me for it happening (even though i try in part to stop it). He apologize the next day for blaming it on me. but at the point he said that we should probably not talk or see each other for a while until things calm down. And that he still would do anything for me and really cared about me.
sat night at work i was doing fabulous acting like i was fine. I had done everything to look hot, just to show him I was ok without him. Then about an hour before work was over, i broke down. he tryed to comfort me and i wound up just crying harder. i left a masscara stain on his shirt. he went and got porcia for me.
As ken was leaving he said with tears in his eyes: "I am so sorry for hurting you, for everything". Porcia spent that evening at my house where i found out this bit of vital information, which makes all the more sense now:
Ok, then about 3 nights ago he made out with another girl. Not just anyother girl, but fucking rachel, the girl that one of his best friends really liked. How fucking insenstive to not only me, but his fucking best friend.
I talked to him about it and there wasn't much that he said. to sum it up he said that well technically we had been broken up for 2 weeks, he was very sorry and it was a stupid mistake.
I asked him "what if i had gone out and made out with someone?"
he replied "I would have been very upset and angry"
i replied "then why did you do it to me?" and
he said "I don't know, it was a mistake, i guess that i was trying to get over you>"
I told him "as a friend, who cares a lot about you, this is not what you need to be doing. One of the reasons we broke up was because it was too sexual, and then you go am make out with some chick. You are not going to find what you are looking for. i promise."
In which he said that "during that week that we were broken up, i was trying to be senstive and supporting,... I really like you-- as a friend, and i really care about you-- as a friend. I will always be there for you. If your car breaks down i will be the first person there. If you need a ride to hang out with porcia just give me a call (my best friend and his roommate). I am sorry for not making that clear to you before."
I asked him "so what happend that day (the regression) meant nothing to you?"
he said "i didn't want it to happen."
I said "neither did I"
He was supposed to go out and see his friend's band play at Lillian's, but he was a no show. the guy that really liked that girl that he made out with, was one of the guys in the band and one of his best friends, eric,... It seemed like Eric knew, because when asked of ken's location, he said that he "didn't know and whatever". He was seen walking into his house later that night, sleepy or teary, but he had spent the evening at his grandmothers house, which he frequently does, instead of going out which he had been talking about doing all day to porica.
with all said and done. He has completely fucked with my head. He told me a few times that "you are the first girl i have ever thought about marring. You are the most thoughtful and caring person i have ever met. I have never known someone like you."
And now this. I was verry angry for about 24 hours after i found out. I was at work the same time he was getting ready to go, but for about 15- 20 mins i completely ignored him. He tried to start conversatino with me in which in one sentence i was done and walked away. I helped load something into a van with a co-worker in which i leaned on that co-worker to get out of the van, ken rushed up, grabed onto my arm to help me out of the van, i quickly walked the opposite direction. I did not once look him in the eyes. During the following hours; i was touched by some greater power, or that fact that i had just seen the boondock saints and hadn't ate anything in two days, but either way, i forgave him for hurting me like he has. And i left it as a message.
no call back and all i want to do is talk to him. i am so weak. i am so lost. i feel so fucked over, but at the same time, i think that this is a cry for help from ken. He pushes those that care about him away when they get too close. I don't think that he has really delt with stuff that happend to him in the past. I think that because of that, i feel like i can forgive and help him.
why do i have to want a project. why can't i just let go, and say fuck him. why can't i be strong, and not care? god, why?
why do i want to talk?
why do i want to know that he hurts too?
why do i want him to feel like shit?
why do i still give a damn about him?
so hears the deal:
about 2 weekends ago he and i broke up, for reasons such as: our faith was not at the same level, our relationship was too sexual, and we disagree fairly often. He told me during our breakup that he still really cared about me and really liked me, and if the world were a different place then we could be together, but it's not. And that following week, allll week, we continued to talk and see each other. Where one night he made it a priority to come out and see me, in which he was very sweet and complimenting me and cuddling with me. I believe two days later I came over and hung out with him and we regressed back to what we didn't want. In the middle of it all i asked him "is this what you really want" he smiled and kissed me and that was it. The next day, he was furious, blamed me for it happening (even though i try in part to stop it). He apologize the next day for blaming it on me. but at the point he said that we should probably not talk or see each other for a while until things calm down. And that he still would do anything for me and really cared about me.
sat night at work i was doing fabulous acting like i was fine. I had done everything to look hot, just to show him I was ok without him. Then about an hour before work was over, i broke down. he tryed to comfort me and i wound up just crying harder. i left a masscara stain on his shirt. he went and got porcia for me.
As ken was leaving he said with tears in his eyes: "I am so sorry for hurting you, for everything". Porcia spent that evening at my house where i found out this bit of vital information, which makes all the more sense now:
Ok, then about 3 nights ago he made out with another girl. Not just anyother girl, but fucking rachel, the girl that one of his best friends really liked. How fucking insenstive to not only me, but his fucking best friend.
I talked to him about it and there wasn't much that he said. to sum it up he said that well technically we had been broken up for 2 weeks, he was very sorry and it was a stupid mistake.
I asked him "what if i had gone out and made out with someone?"
he replied "I would have been very upset and angry"
i replied "then why did you do it to me?" and
he said "I don't know, it was a mistake, i guess that i was trying to get over you>"
I told him "as a friend, who cares a lot about you, this is not what you need to be doing. One of the reasons we broke up was because it was too sexual, and then you go am make out with some chick. You are not going to find what you are looking for. i promise."
In which he said that "during that week that we were broken up, i was trying to be senstive and supporting,... I really like you-- as a friend, and i really care about you-- as a friend. I will always be there for you. If your car breaks down i will be the first person there. If you need a ride to hang out with porcia just give me a call (my best friend and his roommate). I am sorry for not making that clear to you before."
I asked him "so what happend that day (the regression) meant nothing to you?"
he said "i didn't want it to happen."
I said "neither did I"
He was supposed to go out and see his friend's band play at Lillian's, but he was a no show. the guy that really liked that girl that he made out with, was one of the guys in the band and one of his best friends, eric,... It seemed like Eric knew, because when asked of ken's location, he said that he "didn't know and whatever". He was seen walking into his house later that night, sleepy or teary, but he had spent the evening at his grandmothers house, which he frequently does, instead of going out which he had been talking about doing all day to porica.
with all said and done. He has completely fucked with my head. He told me a few times that "you are the first girl i have ever thought about marring. You are the most thoughtful and caring person i have ever met. I have never known someone like you."
And now this. I was verry angry for about 24 hours after i found out. I was at work the same time he was getting ready to go, but for about 15- 20 mins i completely ignored him. He tried to start conversatino with me in which in one sentence i was done and walked away. I helped load something into a van with a co-worker in which i leaned on that co-worker to get out of the van, ken rushed up, grabed onto my arm to help me out of the van, i quickly walked the opposite direction. I did not once look him in the eyes. During the following hours; i was touched by some greater power, or that fact that i had just seen the boondock saints and hadn't ate anything in two days, but either way, i forgave him for hurting me like he has. And i left it as a message.
no call back and all i want to do is talk to him. i am so weak. i am so lost. i feel so fucked over, but at the same time, i think that this is a cry for help from ken. He pushes those that care about him away when they get too close. I don't think that he has really delt with stuff that happend to him in the past. I think that because of that, i feel like i can forgive and help him.
why do i have to want a project. why can't i just let go, and say fuck him. why can't i be strong, and not care? god, why?