(no subject)
I am a substitute. A substitute friend. A substitute girlfriend. A substitute sister. A substitute daughter.
No-one is ever satisfied with just me. I'm hard to remember, but impossible to forget.
I've started to think of reasons why this is the case. I've come up with a few events from my history and discovered a pattern.
1. I involve people too much in my life. Getting jobs for friends at my places of employment, burdening others with my vast erray of issues, getting drunk and letting secrets about myself slip out of me.
2. I let people involve me in their own lives. I always end up in the middle of people's relationships. I'm seen as the "threat". It's my selfless nature. I'm too nice. Ha! I just can't say no. I always have an opinion so am always willing to give advice. This leads to a severe case of "third wheel syndrome". I hate it and please be aware that I do nothing to condone it.
3. Where's my purpose? Where's my drive? My abition? My goals? And therefore, my identity?
These three things result in me having three sides to my personality and my being.
1. Self-involved
2. Self-less
3. Lack of self
I don't think it's healthy to maintain all three personality traits. It could be why I'm so crazy.
But these things seem to make me a substitute. No authority, no identity, no purpose.
It's like substitute teachers- They hang around for a few weeks, you don't really get a clear picture of who they really are, no-one ends up liking them, they get walked all over and then they leave or are driven out. It's like part of them seems missing because of what and who they are.
Of course they are whole and more importantly human. But they are not the permanent. They are the replacement, the fill-in, the spare tyre, the 3 month course of anti-depressants everyone takes when they realise their life blows. They are what people turn to in their most desperate hour. But they will never fill the glass or a void. No real impact will be made by them. They will make their contribution, then they will leave with their shadow and leave no real memory or legacy.
This is me. Overlooked and underestimated. I am a substitute.
No-one is ever satisfied with just me. I'm hard to remember, but impossible to forget.
I've started to think of reasons why this is the case. I've come up with a few events from my history and discovered a pattern.
1. I involve people too much in my life. Getting jobs for friends at my places of employment, burdening others with my vast erray of issues, getting drunk and letting secrets about myself slip out of me.
2. I let people involve me in their own lives. I always end up in the middle of people's relationships. I'm seen as the "threat". It's my selfless nature. I'm too nice. Ha! I just can't say no. I always have an opinion so am always willing to give advice. This leads to a severe case of "third wheel syndrome". I hate it and please be aware that I do nothing to condone it.
3. Where's my purpose? Where's my drive? My abition? My goals? And therefore, my identity?
These three things result in me having three sides to my personality and my being.
1. Self-involved
2. Self-less
3. Lack of self
I don't think it's healthy to maintain all three personality traits. It could be why I'm so crazy.
But these things seem to make me a substitute. No authority, no identity, no purpose.
It's like substitute teachers- They hang around for a few weeks, you don't really get a clear picture of who they really are, no-one ends up liking them, they get walked all over and then they leave or are driven out. It's like part of them seems missing because of what and who they are.
Of course they are whole and more importantly human. But they are not the permanent. They are the replacement, the fill-in, the spare tyre, the 3 month course of anti-depressants everyone takes when they realise their life blows. They are what people turn to in their most desperate hour. But they will never fill the glass or a void. No real impact will be made by them. They will make their contribution, then they will leave with their shadow and leave no real memory or legacy.
This is me. Overlooked and underestimated. I am a substitute.