(no subject)
Every morning I look into the mirror and wonder, "Is that really me?" I used to be so much slimmer. I had that pencil thin body that so many models sport today in magazines. When I was young, kids made fun of me because I was so thin. "Miss ANNA-rexic" they would taunt. I hated being made fun of. Now I just wish that I could be as slim as I was in high school. "20 pounds," I tell myself every day and night. "Even 15 might be enough." I just want to be slim and attractive again.
Oh how I wish I could fit into those size 3 pants again. Now I barely have 3 pairs of pants that fit me. All three pairs have now been bought in my every growing "fat period." I know I'm not fat. I just feel like it. It doesn't help that my family points it out to me. My dad was the first to notice and comment on my gained weight. Then my brother and sister joined in. My sister, in fact, loves to grab my stomach. I think she does this just to remind me that I've gained weight. I hate it! I miss my old metabolism so much.
I want to lose those few pounds I've gained. I know that Brent thinks I'm beautiful. But I want to be perfectly beautiful for him. Perfection again! I seem to struggle with this. My dad once told me, "Anna, I know that you can never be perfect, but I expect you to be." This words of perfection constantly permeate my mind; Perfection in school, perfection in looks, perfection in grammar, perfection in life, perfection, perfection, perfection! It's like a bad dream that I can't get out of my head. I don't believe I'll ever be content. Nothing I do, say, or look like will ever be good enough. I seem to set a standard that I can never reach. I call it setting goals, others may call it stupidity.
Whats more, this "perfection mentality" sometimes causes me to be obsessive compulsive (OC). I used to be extremely OC about avoiding germs, but now it is just about simple random things. I try to hide it, but sometimes people catch a glimpse; Lining things up in straight lines, making sure everything is even, checking my alarm clock the required amount of even times, double checking, triple checking, and then quadruple checking my door locks each night, ect... These are just some of my OC behaviors.
So now I come to my conclusion. I'm crazy, imperfect, impulsive, and I want to be slim again. Thats me in a nutshell. Maybe someday I will be content, although I doubt it.
Oh how I wish I could fit into those size 3 pants again. Now I barely have 3 pairs of pants that fit me. All three pairs have now been bought in my every growing "fat period." I know I'm not fat. I just feel like it. It doesn't help that my family points it out to me. My dad was the first to notice and comment on my gained weight. Then my brother and sister joined in. My sister, in fact, loves to grab my stomach. I think she does this just to remind me that I've gained weight. I hate it! I miss my old metabolism so much.
I want to lose those few pounds I've gained. I know that Brent thinks I'm beautiful. But I want to be perfectly beautiful for him. Perfection again! I seem to struggle with this. My dad once told me, "Anna, I know that you can never be perfect, but I expect you to be." This words of perfection constantly permeate my mind; Perfection in school, perfection in looks, perfection in grammar, perfection in life, perfection, perfection, perfection! It's like a bad dream that I can't get out of my head. I don't believe I'll ever be content. Nothing I do, say, or look like will ever be good enough. I seem to set a standard that I can never reach. I call it setting goals, others may call it stupidity.
Whats more, this "perfection mentality" sometimes causes me to be obsessive compulsive (OC). I used to be extremely OC about avoiding germs, but now it is just about simple random things. I try to hide it, but sometimes people catch a glimpse; Lining things up in straight lines, making sure everything is even, checking my alarm clock the required amount of even times, double checking, triple checking, and then quadruple checking my door locks each night, ect... These are just some of my OC behaviors.
So now I come to my conclusion. I'm crazy, imperfect, impulsive, and I want to be slim again. Thats me in a nutshell. Maybe someday I will be content, although I doubt it.