(no subject)
Worst year of my life...
Yea.. I think I can say that. Sad, as
of writing this(again who knows when ill post)its not quite September,
so theres still a fair amount of the year left. But, yea.... I had been
thinking maybe its tied for worst with that first year I was sick. But
now I think it beats it. Granted at the end of the day the cluster
headaches/migraines that I had that first year, ive never had eqauled
again. There have been periods of course where ive been bad(as a matter
of fact had a couple bad ones just recently, had to call my brother to
come home and watch over me bad...)as well. Most likely that first
semester when I tried to go back to school I remember having a good
period there for awhile. But the just the length of that first year.. 3
to 4 a week where it felt like I was going to die. And to this day I
still think that moment when your sick like that(again who else can
understand this really eh?)can't control your own bodly functions, its
just so ridiculously painful. Its like everytime I have one its like I
could die. Im sure it can't be healthy to live through stuff like
that... Of course saying that to, im not particularly of the opinon that
"those days are behind me". As well of course the best medicine I found
for this to keep days like that at a minimum was to take away my life.
As the more im out the more chance for me to get sick. Ive also more and
more very keenly notice how much just diff smells bother me. Not a new
thing by any means, as its always been when im "feeling it" I need to be
away from diff/strong smelling things, as I get really sensitive. But
just now like any kinda smell im not use to I feel is dangerous.
Anyway...
Yea, this year is I just havn't had any period where it feels like im
just dealing with my problems to say? Theres always been a new pain, and
new problem. No rest what so ever. And of course the word "rest" is
used lightly, as I would still be dealing with the regular problems. A
lot of things going wrong to are scary. And not things I have experinced
before in the 8 years ive been on disablity now. (oh yea did I mention
that, ive reached another anniversy now.. I went on disablity offically
September 2003... man..)But yea problems just scary. Like, its one thing
to say this body part hurts now. But im having problems in body parts
that ive never even felt like before. Its just not the same. Which is
fucking with me a lot, and is making me worry. Of course my doctors have
told me im dying. But at the same time I try to put that out of my
head. But theres a pretty big deep unease inside of me because of all
this. Its like my body really is starting to shut down. I just don't
know how I can even explain it to myself to stay positive. Of course I
have these tumors as well which make me wonder if its related to them.
Like maybe I just have cancer period? Which is scary because I don't
know how much will I have left if I they end up being cancerous. Kinda
feel like I just would want to ride it out... Its time.. Sorta vibe...
Meh lets of course touch on the main subjects of this past year....
-Liver tumor(found a little bit before the begining of this year actaully but lets include it anyway..)...
Nothing
with this yet. Given the usual who gives a fuck. Doesn't mean anything.
Of course I asked shouldn't they be more concerned about this
considering ive been told im dying from PBC all this stuff.. but again
nothing has been talked about so far. Just whatever... I should put, or
just have a headline period. For all these broken record things I ment.
Like a,
A: Doctor says shit happens dont worry about it
B: Doctor says test is positive but is wrong
C: etc etc
That
sorta thing. Of course this if you recall this was even found as I was
complaining about a lot liver pain, and sure enough they found
something.(Of course as usual the question is do they give a fuck)...
Anyway its still the same.. Pain comes and goes depends on how bad. Its
even tickles randomly which is just bizare.. I also find that it even
like shoots to my back now randomly. Not even just in the front now..
Meh...
-Hernia...
Nothing again going on with this.
Again basically just waiting till it gets worse before surgery. I wasn't
super horney about getting cut open anyway know? Strangely since losing
more weight ive actaully noticed a bump a little higher then where they
said my hernia was before. Just going by the thought of a hernia can go
back up...errrr.. sorta.. I dunno I thought maybe that could be the
inguinal hernia right there.. But she seemed to think it was to high up.
But honestly I actaully have quite a bit of pain there so its almost
making me wonder if I somehow actaully have ANOTHER hernia there? I know
ive felt pain there and its even felt like it "pops" sometimes.. very
weird.. whatever the case that would make 3... sigh so stupid. As for
pain from the main in question. It comes and goes.. Not as bad as it was
by any means thank god...
-Chornic epididymitis....
Nothing
going on with this.. Of course remember the story this overlaps with
the hernia. Doctors still have no answer for how I got it. Just bad
luck. Of course one actaully said he thinks it was just BS as it didnt
make any sense how I could get it. He just thinks they can't think of
any other way to explain the situation/test results/scans whatever. This
of course has been quite painful throughout the year. To the point as
ive mentioned ive actaully read about chopping off my balls, anything
for this pain. Whatever the case this also has reached the point more
recently(middle of summer or so)where it just is kinda there on and off.
Not to many days where its like, I just got kicked in the balls out of
no where and need to take a chill pill sorta feeling. Like shit, I need
to sit down for a second lol. In general when it comes on now, the pain
is less servere. Of course why it comes on who knows? Although one new
bad thing about this. Ive actaully had a strange burning sensation
period in my balls now. I want to talk about this strange new symptom in
a section deticated to it though... So more on that later....
- Ear Infection....
As
I said this winter as well I somehow got a ear infection. Like a...
when your a little kid you get a ear infection and its painful kinda
infection. Not a , "oh ill put a couple ear drops in" kinda thing. Not
at all. Ive been to the ENT quite a few times for this. No explination
for how I got it. I of course was given random excuses like maybe I go
swimming to much(... -___-...), that kinda thing. You know thats another
thing when I go to the doctor I should tell them immeditatly. "think
out side of the box here, because im not a idoit, ive been on disablity
now for 8 years because of you fucks. So ive already considered the
usual" Sorta vibe. There was also a thought that maybe it could be
because of the all the asthma meds as my asthma was bad this winter and
since then has been on and off. Which of course to add to that ive of
course had a couple yeast infections as well this year now lol.. So
dum....Anyway, I guess this might be the only "better" for this section.
As just recently towards the end of August and up till now(please say I
havn't jinxed myself)I havn't had this ear pain. So after many
perscription ear drops(which one actaully made my ear worse... sigh go
modern medince)and getting my ear cleaned out multiple times, it looks
like im for the most part better. Although the fact its taken me almost 9
months to get rid of a ear infection. Well geez how bad does that
sound. Especially considering the ear is suppose to be a self cleaning
organ isn't it? =/ I guess im sure if I was healthier and could take
antibiotics for all this stuff maybe id get better at a more, normal
rate.. sigh.. Meh coming back to this(as again im taking a long time to
write this)yea I dunno if this will EVER be better.... As although it
has gotten better, its still sensitive even now... meh.. whatever....
Blood Clot/back/neck crap...
Well
been awhile since this happened. Of course main things that happened
around this time was my back, neck and vertigo crapola so lets just
sorta mush it all togther right here. Vertigo has slowed down as well
now that summer is coming or well at a end. Although I won't go as far
as im confident in turning my neck still etc. But less dizzyness in
other situations. So thats good shrug. As for my back, well its still
fucked up, I don't trust it. Towards the end of July I finally was able
to start not having to wear my back brace for say some cardio stuff, but
working out? Nope.. No way... And honestly I don't know if ill ever
trust it again. After that month of basically not being able to walk
with out a back brace.. umm yea... lol.. I think this fear is drilled
into my head now permaently.. Of course the whole situation was just so
random as well.. sigh.... Of course for other neck stuff, nothing going
on with that "dens" crap. As again I was told couldn't even survive the
surgery whatever blah.. Although recently I was also told I have
arthritis in my neck now as well... This is strange because well.. I was
never told that before. Just something that was randomly brought up to
me recently... Of course ive seen arthritis on my notes before, but ive
never been told I have it. Or well scratch that, techincally when ive
been told I have that hyper trophic osterotrophy or whatever, they just
have written that down as a type of arthritis.. so.. meh.. whatever...
Tumor down stairs..
Well
again not much going on with it. This really goes to show you just how
incompetent the medical system is... I dont even know where I left off
on all the BS thats gone on with this. Such as taking a month just to
end up telling me never mind to risky I won't do it find someone else
who will. Etc... As it is just trying to go around to diff
doctors/surgeons what have you find out what there opinon is on it.
Recently a couple actaully said they didnt think I should have it out as
well unless it looks like for sure something is going to happen, and
should just try to deal with the pain. Not that I myself of course
havn't been leaning towards this anyway as I don't trust my doctors. But
still shitty/not reassuring to hear from them. As of writing this now
my next appointment/opinon is with someone else at UofM. Just again to
show the shittyness of this orginazation takes them weeks to contact me
with the appointment(one of those me calling them to find out whats
going on, them not sure whats going on, tell me to wait over and
over)finally able to make the appointment. Only for them to cancel my
appointment the day before, and tell me I had to make a new one... Meh
shouldn't be that suprising. Hell at least UofM had the decency to tell
me they cancled it unlike other times right? =/ Anyway this is still
painful.. but im trying to deal with it. I feel like the bump has gotten
harder as well... I sorta feel like pressing on it is no longer as
painful as well... a strange combo.. Then again I try to avoid touching
it at all now, so this thought is skewed.
EDIT: Well had my
appointment at UofM just recently.. basically said he was also willing
to remove it but again gave me the hes never seen anything like it
before. Which is unreassuring.. And of course he also said it was in a
bad spot. Although he did say from the MRI the tumor is below the corpus
canversom or whatever(where the blood flows to the penis)so that
shouldn't be a problem. But the whole uretha thing is more likely.. He
said might even be better to keep me in the hospital for at least the
day with a cathedar or whatever to see if anything goes wrong. And I
could need it for up to a week about meh.. Of course this is considering
nothing goes wrong in the first place. However at the end of it I when I
mentioned I had C-diff all of the sudden this put it into doubt. As he
was like oh well normally we would need you on antibiotics for this. And
of course im not suppose to take anti biotics anymore. So.. Now hes
thinking it might not even be safe for me to do it. So he wants me to
see a infection disease doctor and for them to even say its ok to have
the surgery.. sigh.... Fuck my life..... at the end of the day of course
I still am leaning to just trying to continue on dealing with the
pain..... sigh.... I guess on that note though, I dont recall if the
surgeon before hand said anything or knew that I had C diff before....
youd think they would be a bit more throughoh but ... well yea...
Fitness...
Not
sure what I should call this section. So ill just go with that. Anyway
its been a year now, since I decided to make my goal being as health as I
can be I guess you could say. Maybe it basically my only "hobby"(not
sure if I like using the word hobby for anything in what sadly
constiutes as the life that I live)and becoming in a way obssesed with
it you could say. As a matter of fact ive at points feel that my mind
set to this is even unhealthy. But, ive tried to keep pushing through,
trying to be the best I can be. Ive changed my diet all sorts of crap in
this effort.
Ive achieved quite a bit I think. But at the same
time its extremely frustrating to know how hard ive worked, and well in
that sense.. I havn't done that much. At the end of the day I know im
sick, and hell most people will never look as good as I do now(actaully
well I guess you could say even before this year as well, as its not
like I didnt try to stay in shape of course), but ive just put forth so
much effort to this. And this is all ive gotten.. Again I know im sick, I
know my doctors have told me im dying.. But its still extremely
frustrating. Im just trying and have tried so hard... I just think
back about the shape I use to be in when I was healthy, and what I was
able to eat etc. And although it was another life time ago, it wasn't
THAT long ago to say. Ive just changed so much in this effort and again
it just feels like I should have more. Or well I should had I not gotten
fucked but yea...
I have gotten more efficiant at what im doing
which is nice. Because as it is, when I try to work out its a long
process. Lots of break taking, and of course if I get sick period while
going at it. But yea the work out themselves are getting "faster" since
im not needing to stop quite as long. Which is nice, because its quite
time consuming.
For a petty note I was disapointed to notice
once I got a 6 pack, mine is really just a 4 pack lol. Meh... Just not
as asthetic as I was hopeing.. Also strangely now that im this skinny
again(im actually the size where I was now when I got sick as well)ive
noticed something strange. Theres actaully a big bump coming out of
where all my heart pain is that is quite visable depending on well.. how
skinny I am that day. I tried to show the doctor and she thinks that I
have a bit of.. ummm some twisted spine disease thing. But I don't think
this is the case... I need to take a pic of if when it looks bad,
because it is not right looking.
Im not really sure where to go
from here fitness wise.. Again I feel ive put unhealthy amonts of
priorty into this thought this year so im gonna try and cut it down and
just try to maintain what im doing now I guess. Which isn't in thought
too hard(I say that loosely)as well, this 1. as ive said has already
been the worst year of my life. And I of course the more stuff I do the
more sick I feel, so trying to tone down isn't to big of a thing.. 2.
well theres really not much more I can do. Again my hands play a big
role in letting me work out. Since well I can't really make a fist, so I
can't lift "heavy' weights.. so ive been doing basically the same thing
for quite a awhile now... Ive actaully thought maybe later this year,
or sometime next when I get pumped to see if I can push my body any
farther maybe ill try to buy some straps to help me lift weights. But it
seems so petty to buy straps for stuff like 20 pound weights. Again I
don't really lift heavy stuff so....
Meh.... Oh of course when I
started this I had that crazy dream that maybe I could get back down to
150 pounds... Well that didn't happen. Not even close... Closest ive
gotten on my scale is 162 a few times. Which going by my scale is say
2-3 pounds off maybe(going by AJs at least since he says his is correct
shrug)Its reasonable to say ive probably hit 160 here and there. But
again its the price ive had to pay for it...
To be honest ive
tried so hard to lose weight etc, that when ever I lose a pound or if I
ever even got below 160.. I would be scared... Again what is exactly
wrong with my body I dunno, but something doesn't work right.. Again
when I went to see nutitionist they didn't even belive I was eating what
I was. So dum.... Funny went to another fucking doctor and she tried
to give some BS that I have lost 4 pounds so I am losing weight. Its
like im on a totally diff diet now, and you had me take my shoes off
this time. Does this even count? Amazing how stupid my doctors are...
Again its hard to belive that C-diff did all this. But something
happened when I was dying in that hospital that week, and those months
after when I had to take that flagyl...
Sigh just makes me angry..
Of
course its also funny to see say.. someone like Matt who has been
living here. Who is certainly not healthy in the least, drug, alchohal
whatever..... Yet he is very skinny... I guess he does have the
cigarette assist though.. *rubs chin* ... Meh though I guess at the end
of the day, thats to easy.. Theres a bajillion people who are more
unhealthy then I am, yet are living more healthy to say..... I just hate
the cards ive been giving shrug....
I could(and part of me
wants to)go on and ramble about all my thoughts on this fitness but.. I
just can't do these emotions justice... Again I know that there is a
part of me that should be happy that I was able to achieve what I have,
but at the same time theres just this big side of reality on the side...
This big sense of defeat.. That this ia all I can achieve even when I
give my best. And this side dish I guess you could say or shadow has to
be with everything I do... Im so tired of this life and never being good
enough..... And theres just no way to make it better...
A dark place part 2... how deep does the cave go....(best I could come up with!)
More
random thoughts, and feelings here... Again ive felt very empty... well
maybe completely I should say... Just the same thoughts as last when I
wrote a "real" journal entry. Struggling back and forth with the meaning
of my life now. I try to stay positive, on that side of thinking. A
lot(and of course if anyone actaully knows all the stuff that has
happened to me, which im sure its hard to keep up with. And even almost
unbelivable at times...)of bad things have happened to me.. And continue
to stay positive.. But I try to stay positive. And keep going. But
again the negative side of that, is I think that could also be
considered running away.. Not accepting the fact, that im going to big
sick for the rest of my life. Im never going to get any sort of
revenge/or justifaction for what my doctors did to me. And eventually I
am going to die in this decaying body. It doesn't matter what I do... Im
just being a coward.. a mashochist I guess...I suppose going back to
the justifaction thought, at the end of the day even that though...
would it matter? Again im still sick... Even if I was able to sue them
or whatever... In the end it doesn't matter.... And of course as this
vicious cycle of continues to go on, im just getting older.... And in
that sense its just to late I feel...
I just dont know where im
going in life, besides down that is. On one side telling myself that
this has been the worst year of my life should mean that it can only get
better.. But I know thats not the case...
In one sense I try
to live in the moment a lot. Of course not as exciting as when most
people say something like that im sure... But I try to not focus on the
past to much, nor the future. As both suck. The moment/now sucks as
well. But I just try to focus on getting through the shitty day I guess
lol.
Besides my own selfish problems that consume me. I of course
am not immnue to also worrying about others. And I also have been
worried about my youngest brother. Anxeity sorta over the fact of him,
growing up you could say. As it stands now, this is his last semester is
looks like in college. After that his sorta... off to the races I guess
with life.. Trying to be someone. And it sucks as I feel a sense of
responablity to him, but of course given my situation I wll never be
able to be a big brother to him really. I should note of course me and
my brother are not close. Nor do I consider myself close to anyone in my
family. But he is the "closet" of them? lol But yea.... I just worry
what he is going to do. And if he will suceed. Those sorta things.... He
of course is trying to be a artist, and its super competive.. I mean
its funny how many times you can just randomly go on the internet go
look up some pics and see some crazy new artist out of nowhere... I just
worry what my brother is going to do. I get scared he might get lost in
the shuffle. Or that maybe he just hasn't improoved enough, or
improoves to slow.. Or what he is going to do while going on his way..
And of course I can't help him. Which sucks. I wonder where he is going
to go, and if he is going to be happy in life. Part of it is of course
selfishness on my part. Since he is the closet family member I have,
part of me worries about him leaving.. Me being left behind almost....
My own insecurties I guess. But we all have our own lives to live. Part
of me likes the thought of if something happens he could still come home
and watch over me.. That sort of security I guess........ But theres
also a big chunk of, I fear he leaves and ends up not being happy..Not
becoming who he wants to be.. and becoming just another person in this
world. Not ment to be anything....
Thinking like that, in one
way, it makes me happy that I should die young to say... If he ends up
being disapointed in life.. I won't have to see it. And I won't have to
blame it on myself. As not being a cool enough big brother to help him. I
won't have to live with that shame.
You could say I should have
more confidence in my brother, but I would say its also a lot to do
with my unconfidence in this world. And how cursed this family is.... He
has a lot of responsablity.. As like.. maybe the only person from our
family that is having a chance/or trying to fullfill his dreams to say.
And im sure its hard on him....
Of course the whole
moving out on my own/getting my own place whatever has been on my mind a
lot as well. Ive tried of thinking of ways to save money that kinda
stuff. Just how things could be possible. In general the same thoughts,
pros, cons whatever you want to call them being weighed in my mind. Ive
actaully thought maybe I would just pay off the rest of my moms house
and stay where I am now. While continue to think about things.... Again a
big part of it of course is the sorta finality of it all if I were to
try and get my own place. Again it could very well be the last place I
ever live. If I wasn't sick my life would be so different... sigh....
All these descions are made that much harder..
I have thought
for one way to save money maybe ill get rid of full coverage insurance
on my car... At least for the not wintery sorta months... My car is
getting older.... Id like to think it would make me to a 100,000
miles... Honestly it should at least make it to that. But with all the
bad luck ive had with it, and continue to have, I guess that will be the
number ill just hope for. But yea maybe time to just save some money on
it insurance wise? Shrug.... Of course saying that im sure with my luck
good chance I do that then I get in accident immeditly.
Other
ways of saving money ive thought of..... errrr well... sorta in its own
way is actaully by buying stuff... I guess this sounds weird. But
basically my thought is to get rid of the "want" or "looking foward"(if I
can even call it that)sorta things. So I don't have those
numbers(however petty they maybe)in my head, as expences down the road.
One of the things I bought recently was a number of Japanese books. I
havn't bought anything Japanese related in quite a while now. That I
recall not quite 2 years. I remember at the time thinking I wonder if
ill ever buy anything again. And well saying that it has been quite
awhile. So I can only assume as I have this same thought now after this
purchace that the time inbetween purchaces is going to continue to grow
longer. Which means I don't have to have that thought of eventually im
gonna need some money to spend on Japanese stuff.
So yea speaking
of that, with me trying to be less focused on working out, im trying to
focus on other stuff as much as I can like Japanese. As it is im
"studying" or whatever you want to call it as much as I probably ever
have. As long as you don't count writing that is at least.(hrmm maybe if
you don't count the couple hours of being in class I guess when I had
school to? lol) As of course I don't see that ever really making much of
a come back as my hands have just degressed to much. Of course this
fact is always very frustrating as this would be the best way for me to
practice. By writing the examples etc over and over again. And of course
theres always the kanji element too. But yea as it is now im trying to
practice about a hour or 2 every day. Of course this is also hard just
because my fatigue has only gotten worse as ive gotten sicker, and it
was already hard to consentrate/read that sorta thing as it is.. But..
im trying... shrug..... Of course this is broken up through out the day.
But again im .....trying! Sigh sounds so discouraging actaully writing
that... Whatever the case lots of new books to get through, and I plan
on going through old stuff too... Hopefully I can keep this sorta pace
up till at least with the coming of winter... As for speaking yea none
of that of course.. Again something id like to do.. but.....
On
other expences ive tried to get out of the way for a very very random
one. I actually bought some art stuff. Yes ART stuff. I honestly
couldn't even tell the last time I bought art stuff... Maybe before I
was sick? Like... High school days? Of course life changed a lot around
that time, I got a job, then got that modeling job, then was traveling
around playing and making money with games.. So games just became such
a... side note sorta? Of course as ive always said its kinda funny to go
back and look at my art from just my first year of high school, to just
a couple years later. How little I was drawing and you can tell how
much worse I got. Art is deffintly something that in retrospect is good
to look at. Seeing how ive improoved or how I worsened... I guess art is
strange in that sense. For video games, I never really practiced
much(its funny how you see people talking how they practice for hours a
days, and I was winning all those tournaments and theres times I just
wouldn't play at all for awhile. Let alone hours every single day every
day. Even now of course when I randomly play online I win a shit load.
And of course ive had Japanese randomly say they think im the best in
certain games etc. Which is kinda funny. Cuz you know damn well I don't
practice or whatever anymore period. Im really getting off subject now..
But I did want to touch on games a bit so let me ramble just a bit
more. One thought I was thinking about writing is for games I feel like
the only reason I do play, is just a ego sorta boost. Just to proove,
like pure raw skill, im the best. It seems really petty.. Because I
don't even enjoy the games themselves that much anymore. But I just
enjoy the fact kinda that I can do it... weird I guess.... )yet, I don't
lose much in games. But art you can deffintly tell where I lost it. As
it is, again this year I wanted to try to keep up with last year as
there was a time for awhile I was deff trying to scribble more often.
However its fallen off quite a bit... But ive always thought about
buying art stuff again for so many years and well I did. Kinda hopefully
to motivate myself. Of course its hard given all my usual
circumstances.. But at least I can say to myself now, theres some stuff
there that I was thinking about buying for many years. Now that expense
is out lol. Shrug again the petty things to stay positive about when
your suppose to die I guess eh? lol I guess thinking about this, I did
buy that photoshop stuff etc, a few years ago. That is kinda art related
I suppose eh? *rubs chin* Of course I havn't used that much. And it was
quite awhile before I even forced myself to take a look at the books
for it etc. Which ive more or less all forgotten.. Meh one day for that I
guess eh? Seriously feels like im gonna have to buy new stuff for that
if I ever do feel the urge to try it again at this rate with how long
its taking...
Oh boy its umm September 26th now?
lol it really does take me a long time to write this stuff. Im gonna
try to finish this out by the end of the month. Lost will as usual to
write so try to go quicky through other thoughts...
-Collapsed
again just a little over a week ago. It was diff then the blood clot
thing, as that was a boom instant thing, and then I was to weak to move
my legs and a lot of pain. This was more I was trying to work out, and I
was just feeling like really fatigued. More then usual.. Had to walk
around and take a lot more breaks. It was just like.. man im really
tired today.. Then all of the sudden I started feeling like I had to
throw up. I guess I would compare it to a really strong sorta like if
you drink a lot of Cherry 7 up or something like that lol. And you get
that really big bloaty feeling. Then I sat down and im like fuck... I
started dry heaving basically, I took off my back brace, and im like
whoa ok time out im fucked up, so I ran up stairs and I started getting
dizzy I started getting a lot of heart pain, and it started shooting to
my head. Its like I have this feeling like oh shit do I call an
ambulance am I about to die all in a really short period of time ya
know. But at the same time its like no doctors never do shit, i can get
through this .. yadda yadda... And I remember looking at my phone and it
was ethier like 1:43 or 48, I remember dropping my water, and then
basically just collapsing I guess.. I must have fallen on my butt
because its been pretty sore since then. Anyway I woke up covered in all
this sweat and it was 1:5.. hrmmmm *rubs chin* now I don't even
remember.. I know I told the doctor.. But it was like 10 mins or
something now.. Anyway after I woke up, I felt a LOT better. I just felt
like I was extremely gased basically. Really tired... But much better
then say when I collapsed earlier this year...
Anyway I
eventually went to the hospital later on, and I guess they are blaming
it on my kidneys saying I was dehyrdated which is BS. But funny, because
as ive said ive been having some kidney problems this year now, but
they don't seem to care. As a matter of fact I tried seeing a doctor for
it recently and she just gave me some BS like I don't drink water(....)
or something. Its like are you fucking kidding me? Also let me just say
after this recent episode I decided to measure what I drink in a day..
Heres what I got over 4 days...
Water 152.5/100/118/118
Pop 6/8/8/6
Gatorade 6/18/10/14
Bolthouse 10/10-12/12/10
Yea
I think I drink enough liquids... So my kidneys shat on me I guess and
well thats the excuse there giving me for now.. But of course why they
are shitting on me, is a whole other story.. Ill chalk it up to the,
you guys have said im dying, and my organs are well.. Of course
going.... Of course when I brought this up to another doctor(as ive had
another appointment in this time)she just gave some vague answer like
yea that can happen, but I don't want to say its this blah blah...
Normal stuff I deal with doctors all the time I guess...
I
also found this funny beause when I brought in this list, I told them it
was ridiculous I even had to do this in the first place. Its like your
calling me a liar or some bull shit. She was like I don't think your a
liar but at least you prooved it now...
Read that again.. Does that make sense? No I don't think so ethier....
Anyway
since ive collapsed however, I have had a absolute TON of heart pain..
Lots of vibrating etc.. Im not sure if ive ever felt this much constant
heart pain since.. well I can't remember. Lots of irregular,
palpatations all that stuff.. My left arm has also been hurting but, at
the same time ive had a pretty gnarly bruise from the IV. So im just
trying to chalk it up to that. Ive wondered if maybe its my lung to
maybe? Not sure.. But it sucks, ive actaully felt like going back, just
because of all this pain.. But meh.... Just trying to get through it I
guess..
I guess on that subject ive had a lot of
random bruising this year.. strangely though the bruises don't hurt.... I
remember I was getting a lot of brusing around the time of C diff and
fora while after.. But I don't recall if those hurt off hand... Anyway
something ill have to remember to ask about I guess....
Speaking
of ...poop... Sorta... On the subject of that since ive been trying to
eat less carbs, that sorta thing. My ..."schedule" has been reaaaaaaally
random. I know I should be more specific, but to lazy.. Hopefully if I
ever check back on this post ill know what I ..ment? lol... Like hard to
have a idea of how the day is gonna be more then usual. Not that I ever
can, but more so then normal I guess. At one point it had switched to a
lot and really exhausting sorta "sessions" in the morning, and then
just in and out for the rest of the day but not a lot. And not even all
the time at night... You know what fuck it, to hard to explain and im to
lazy. Really its sad how much I can explain about my bathroom habits,
but I guess thats thats how my life turned out...
Oh
geez where am I on this now? Umm ok seriously I need to finish this
soon. Ive been thinking maybe I should try to keep better track of
things. Like every day I will write a sentence or something, about
health specificly... Maybe first I will put every thing I have but label
the specific disease or symptom as "A" "B" etc etc.. Then just at the
end of the day put down what letter was specificly bad or something? And
then at teh end of the month post it? Sigh I dunno I feel like I should
keep better track of stuff, especially considering how bad my health is
right now... And of course with the thought to that im having a lot of
NEW problems so write when they started more accurately.. Sigh anyway
umm yea ok I really need to finish this soon so lemme fire off some more
stuff thats going on....
-This deja vu(And I guess
thats just what ill call it now, these random dreams from when I was a
kid crap)is insane... It just wont stop, its coming just randomly out of
nowhere. Sometimes I just have to like just seriously tell myself to
stop when it happens or take a break. Or when im sleeping I just can't
sleep cuz its freaking me out. Again im just really taking it as a bad
omen of something. Its been going on for so long. Its just so weird that
im not only remembering the dream, but where I was when I had it. Again
its crazy to see what is actaully STILL in your brain, but I dunno. Its
wierd....
-this neck pain thing sucks... I wish it would go away... again why it even started who knows.... sigh...
-Losing
a lot of hair recently. I assume its my thyroid. It sucks beacuse I was
probably the best ive been since ive gotten sick I feel like ffor I
dunno at least a year and a half I think? Maybe 2. Some here and there
problems.. But now it seems its bad.. Again I assume its my thyroid, but
at the same time, ive just had so many fucking problems who can say
almost.....
Speaking of thyroid sorta... Strangely they switched
my dose lower. Which I really only ONLY agreed to as throwing them a
bone sorta thing. As again as ive said before since I had c-diff I
usualy do better when I am more hyper thyroidish. But I was like ok...
Well of course since ive switched ive lost more hair. But ive actaully
had even MORE heart pain and heart palpatations. I read something
strange though, as of course I would assume getting a lower dose would
make my blood pressure drop(as yea ive been having high blood pressure
stuff again)but actually it can make your blood pressure go up. The
exact opposite. I guess from what I skimmed this is actually related to
your kidneys because you don't have enough pressure to fliter the
kidneys or somethign which actually makes your blood pressure rise
trying to filter it or something blah mumbo jumbo. So I looked into this
more and more and this was actaully a pretty common(actually everything
i botherd to read)statement. Go figure. So of course with my kindey
problems now I guess that makes sense.
Also strange well.. sorta
I have lost weight since this switch. But again I have been doing all
this random stuff to lose weight, specificly around sorta this time as
well, ive been trying to eat a lower sodium diet, and ive started being
able to eat 3 meals a day more frequently now, sometimes even 4.
Although of course this is slightly misleading as im eating much smaller
portions. However at the end of the day it probably = to about what I
was eating before at 2 meals or so. Still its just so shocking for me to
lose weight even if its only 2 or 3 pounds. Its fucking bizaree to me,
plus with my thyroid actaully being LOWER so it should be harder to lose
weight. That could be I dunno maybe FIVE pounds(..hey again this is me
were talking about)if I was more regular? I dunno it makes me think
something is wrong again. Its like should I ME with all my problems
trying to lose weight, lose a few pounds from just trying to eat more
throughout the day, and a lower sodium(nothing drastic mind you, just
when I buy meat now at teh deli I buy low sodium that can't be that much
of a chance id think..)... So anyway where....
I still get
bloated a lot though, and my stats still change to me in a weird way...
However I get to a 28 inch waist sometimes now, and at top 42 inch
chest. Again though this is the more extreme, say 28 inch waist in the
morning, 42 inch chest after working out. Of course this is moot though
to because even if I am able to get to 28 inch waist, from what ive
tried in the store, I could never get that around my hips anyway
shrug...
-Blah lots of heart pain.. blah....
-Very
strange but I feel like my face has gotten fater. I only say feel right
now, as I can't say for sure. This is im sure strange random sounding.
But again your talking to someone who basically all he has to do for the
day is drowning in his own shittyness. So im pretty anal about how
things change, even if miniscule as im always on the look out. And yea..
Strange.. Again can't say for sure about this one. Just something ive
randomly noticed. And im second guessing myself, so yea cant say for
sure rubs chin...
-Although not my worst headache year, this
maybe the most headaches ive ever had at night.. like waking me up from
sleep ever... Sigh... I guess I can't really take any kinda positive
from any area eh...
-More electronic problems, the usual I
buy something and for some reason its broken out the box. This keeps
happening through out this whole year.. very strange.. But again thats
my luck I suppose... Im starting to wonder if my mp3 player is
cursed... Like everytime I plug something into it, it breaks? I mean
seriously it can't be normal(well saying that of course its not but..)to
go through buying new headphones and each time they don't work when I
plug them in.. Maybe next time I will plug it into something else first
just to make sure it worked at least at one time lol.. On a VERY strange
"good" at least for the time being note. My ESATA cable randomly worked
last time I used it. Why did it work? I have no idea. But I always just
plug it in sorta in a... well maybe it will work this time kinda way.
And it actaully worked last time I used it. Very strange.... But yea
other than that, bought some other stuff to and it was fucked.. To be
honest I didn't even attempt to take it back, just like.. yea.. you know
what. I don't care.. Whatever lol. Ill just deal with the subpar maybe
it will work someday vibe I guess...
-Ive been having
lots of weird sensations. Like tingly pain since the summer. Not normal
sorta nervey feeling pain. Although I have been having random burning
pain, ive also had randoml chill almost sensations as well. hard to
explain.. But it sucks.. Ive had it before where its like crawling up my
face from my mouth all that kinda shit. Which of course scares me that
it was going to my brain at one point. But yea also ive lost feeling in
my hands.... times were like I guess I could compare it sorta to getting
contrast or something that shoots through you randomly. But then just
losing feeling.. sigh...
-Left hand has been been very week
for months now it seems. Has to be at least 2 months Id think. Just not
getting better.. Its right around that area where I guess I have that
hyper trophic osterotrophy whatever... Since all this heart pain of
course my left arm has been bad as well.... of course this sucks because
im just getting over not long ago all this vertigo problems that came
with a lot of neck pain and pain down my left arm. Although this does
not feel the same as that pain. Its still annoying.. Anyway its been
giving me a lot of trouble.... Just losing my grip really easily, and
now with all this left arm pain period blah..fuck life as usual I
guess..
-argh this spots in my eyes are terrible....
sometimes there to the point of im seeing shadows of people there so
big, and I have to double take.. Maybe I said this already..oh well it
sucks and is extremely annoying whatever the case...
-argh
remember how I said my nuts were getting better.. Ok i might scratch
that now..cuz its hurting a lot.. and ive done jack shit too.. dunno why
its starting up...
-God where am I now.. I was in
the hospital again. I guess I have some P~ something... whatever there
saying I have some inflamation around my heart. Whatever.. They tried to
tell me just to take some anti inflamatory stuff and rest and it should
get better. But its been going on for weeks now. And I have not been
able to work out out very much. I have been resting. And boy my
stomache/body must be getting bad cuz I can barely even take a motrin it
seems now. Just jacks up my stomach to much....
Things are bad.
And im really worried. Its so painful. The most consitent heart pain ive
ever had. This pain in my throat, this nut pain, fucking everything man
things are not good.
Ive actaully felt like ive had some panic
attacks at night or something. As ive woken up or half a sleep. And its
like im going crazy. Im sick to much, this is just to much right now...
I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I keep thinking its
only a matter of time. Im gonna have to do something. Its getting so
hard to find a reason to keep going. I keep asking myself why, why and I
can never find a answer, and this question is coming up so much now. I
have no escape and its so fucking constant..
I just cant do
anything.... the whole japanese thing has failed again quite early on as
well it seems. As ive been having a really hard time reading. Like my
brain is so fucked right now im having trouble reading old stuff. Like
something just is not right with me........ Im just stuck drowning every
fucking day..
Its
october 20th.. Im still not done with this.. meh.. ill just say the end
for now.. guess ill write the rest another time. Shrug
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xplGS_5T_vE
Yea.. I think I can say that. Sad, as
of writing this(again who knows when ill post)its not quite September,
so theres still a fair amount of the year left. But, yea.... I had been
thinking maybe its tied for worst with that first year I was sick. But
now I think it beats it. Granted at the end of the day the cluster
headaches/migraines that I had that first year, ive never had eqauled
again. There have been periods of course where ive been bad(as a matter
of fact had a couple bad ones just recently, had to call my brother to
come home and watch over me bad...)as well. Most likely that first
semester when I tried to go back to school I remember having a good
period there for awhile. But the just the length of that first year.. 3
to 4 a week where it felt like I was going to die. And to this day I
still think that moment when your sick like that(again who else can
understand this really eh?)can't control your own bodly functions, its
just so ridiculously painful. Its like everytime I have one its like I
could die. Im sure it can't be healthy to live through stuff like
that... Of course saying that to, im not particularly of the opinon that
"those days are behind me". As well of course the best medicine I found
for this to keep days like that at a minimum was to take away my life.
As the more im out the more chance for me to get sick. Ive also more and
more very keenly notice how much just diff smells bother me. Not a new
thing by any means, as its always been when im "feeling it" I need to be
away from diff/strong smelling things, as I get really sensitive. But
just now like any kinda smell im not use to I feel is dangerous.
Anyway...
Yea, this year is I just havn't had any period where it feels like im
just dealing with my problems to say? Theres always been a new pain, and
new problem. No rest what so ever. And of course the word "rest" is
used lightly, as I would still be dealing with the regular problems. A
lot of things going wrong to are scary. And not things I have experinced
before in the 8 years ive been on disablity now. (oh yea did I mention
that, ive reached another anniversy now.. I went on disablity offically
September 2003... man..)But yea problems just scary. Like, its one thing
to say this body part hurts now. But im having problems in body parts
that ive never even felt like before. Its just not the same. Which is
fucking with me a lot, and is making me worry. Of course my doctors have
told me im dying. But at the same time I try to put that out of my
head. But theres a pretty big deep unease inside of me because of all
this. Its like my body really is starting to shut down. I just don't
know how I can even explain it to myself to stay positive. Of course I
have these tumors as well which make me wonder if its related to them.
Like maybe I just have cancer period? Which is scary because I don't
know how much will I have left if I they end up being cancerous. Kinda
feel like I just would want to ride it out... Its time.. Sorta vibe...
Meh lets of course touch on the main subjects of this past year....
-Liver tumor(found a little bit before the begining of this year actaully but lets include it anyway..)...
Nothing
with this yet. Given the usual who gives a fuck. Doesn't mean anything.
Of course I asked shouldn't they be more concerned about this
considering ive been told im dying from PBC all this stuff.. but again
nothing has been talked about so far. Just whatever... I should put, or
just have a headline period. For all these broken record things I ment.
Like a,
A: Doctor says shit happens dont worry about it
B: Doctor says test is positive but is wrong
C: etc etc
That
sorta thing. Of course this if you recall this was even found as I was
complaining about a lot liver pain, and sure enough they found
something.(Of course as usual the question is do they give a fuck)...
Anyway its still the same.. Pain comes and goes depends on how bad. Its
even tickles randomly which is just bizare.. I also find that it even
like shoots to my back now randomly. Not even just in the front now..
Meh...
-Hernia...
Nothing again going on with this.
Again basically just waiting till it gets worse before surgery. I wasn't
super horney about getting cut open anyway know? Strangely since losing
more weight ive actaully noticed a bump a little higher then where they
said my hernia was before. Just going by the thought of a hernia can go
back up...errrr.. sorta.. I dunno I thought maybe that could be the
inguinal hernia right there.. But she seemed to think it was to high up.
But honestly I actaully have quite a bit of pain there so its almost
making me wonder if I somehow actaully have ANOTHER hernia there? I know
ive felt pain there and its even felt like it "pops" sometimes.. very
weird.. whatever the case that would make 3... sigh so stupid. As for
pain from the main in question. It comes and goes.. Not as bad as it was
by any means thank god...
-Chornic epididymitis....
Nothing
going on with this.. Of course remember the story this overlaps with
the hernia. Doctors still have no answer for how I got it. Just bad
luck. Of course one actaully said he thinks it was just BS as it didnt
make any sense how I could get it. He just thinks they can't think of
any other way to explain the situation/test results/scans whatever. This
of course has been quite painful throughout the year. To the point as
ive mentioned ive actaully read about chopping off my balls, anything
for this pain. Whatever the case this also has reached the point more
recently(middle of summer or so)where it just is kinda there on and off.
Not to many days where its like, I just got kicked in the balls out of
no where and need to take a chill pill sorta feeling. Like shit, I need
to sit down for a second lol. In general when it comes on now, the pain
is less servere. Of course why it comes on who knows? Although one new
bad thing about this. Ive actaully had a strange burning sensation
period in my balls now. I want to talk about this strange new symptom in
a section deticated to it though... So more on that later....
- Ear Infection....
As
I said this winter as well I somehow got a ear infection. Like a...
when your a little kid you get a ear infection and its painful kinda
infection. Not a , "oh ill put a couple ear drops in" kinda thing. Not
at all. Ive been to the ENT quite a few times for this. No explination
for how I got it. I of course was given random excuses like maybe I go
swimming to much(... -___-...), that kinda thing. You know thats another
thing when I go to the doctor I should tell them immeditatly. "think
out side of the box here, because im not a idoit, ive been on disablity
now for 8 years because of you fucks. So ive already considered the
usual" Sorta vibe. There was also a thought that maybe it could be
because of the all the asthma meds as my asthma was bad this winter and
since then has been on and off. Which of course to add to that ive of
course had a couple yeast infections as well this year now lol.. So
dum....Anyway, I guess this might be the only "better" for this section.
As just recently towards the end of August and up till now(please say I
havn't jinxed myself)I havn't had this ear pain. So after many
perscription ear drops(which one actaully made my ear worse... sigh go
modern medince)and getting my ear cleaned out multiple times, it looks
like im for the most part better. Although the fact its taken me almost 9
months to get rid of a ear infection. Well geez how bad does that
sound. Especially considering the ear is suppose to be a self cleaning
organ isn't it? =/ I guess im sure if I was healthier and could take
antibiotics for all this stuff maybe id get better at a more, normal
rate.. sigh.. Meh coming back to this(as again im taking a long time to
write this)yea I dunno if this will EVER be better.... As although it
has gotten better, its still sensitive even now... meh.. whatever....
Blood Clot/back/neck crap...
Well
been awhile since this happened. Of course main things that happened
around this time was my back, neck and vertigo crapola so lets just
sorta mush it all togther right here. Vertigo has slowed down as well
now that summer is coming or well at a end. Although I won't go as far
as im confident in turning my neck still etc. But less dizzyness in
other situations. So thats good shrug. As for my back, well its still
fucked up, I don't trust it. Towards the end of July I finally was able
to start not having to wear my back brace for say some cardio stuff, but
working out? Nope.. No way... And honestly I don't know if ill ever
trust it again. After that month of basically not being able to walk
with out a back brace.. umm yea... lol.. I think this fear is drilled
into my head now permaently.. Of course the whole situation was just so
random as well.. sigh.... Of course for other neck stuff, nothing going
on with that "dens" crap. As again I was told couldn't even survive the
surgery whatever blah.. Although recently I was also told I have
arthritis in my neck now as well... This is strange because well.. I was
never told that before. Just something that was randomly brought up to
me recently... Of course ive seen arthritis on my notes before, but ive
never been told I have it. Or well scratch that, techincally when ive
been told I have that hyper trophic osterotrophy or whatever, they just
have written that down as a type of arthritis.. so.. meh.. whatever...
Tumor down stairs..
Well
again not much going on with it. This really goes to show you just how
incompetent the medical system is... I dont even know where I left off
on all the BS thats gone on with this. Such as taking a month just to
end up telling me never mind to risky I won't do it find someone else
who will. Etc... As it is just trying to go around to diff
doctors/surgeons what have you find out what there opinon is on it.
Recently a couple actaully said they didnt think I should have it out as
well unless it looks like for sure something is going to happen, and
should just try to deal with the pain. Not that I myself of course
havn't been leaning towards this anyway as I don't trust my doctors. But
still shitty/not reassuring to hear from them. As of writing this now
my next appointment/opinon is with someone else at UofM. Just again to
show the shittyness of this orginazation takes them weeks to contact me
with the appointment(one of those me calling them to find out whats
going on, them not sure whats going on, tell me to wait over and
over)finally able to make the appointment. Only for them to cancel my
appointment the day before, and tell me I had to make a new one... Meh
shouldn't be that suprising. Hell at least UofM had the decency to tell
me they cancled it unlike other times right? =/ Anyway this is still
painful.. but im trying to deal with it. I feel like the bump has gotten
harder as well... I sorta feel like pressing on it is no longer as
painful as well... a strange combo.. Then again I try to avoid touching
it at all now, so this thought is skewed.
EDIT: Well had my
appointment at UofM just recently.. basically said he was also willing
to remove it but again gave me the hes never seen anything like it
before. Which is unreassuring.. And of course he also said it was in a
bad spot. Although he did say from the MRI the tumor is below the corpus
canversom or whatever(where the blood flows to the penis)so that
shouldn't be a problem. But the whole uretha thing is more likely.. He
said might even be better to keep me in the hospital for at least the
day with a cathedar or whatever to see if anything goes wrong. And I
could need it for up to a week about meh.. Of course this is considering
nothing goes wrong in the first place. However at the end of it I when I
mentioned I had C-diff all of the sudden this put it into doubt. As he
was like oh well normally we would need you on antibiotics for this. And
of course im not suppose to take anti biotics anymore. So.. Now hes
thinking it might not even be safe for me to do it. So he wants me to
see a infection disease doctor and for them to even say its ok to have
the surgery.. sigh.... Fuck my life..... at the end of the day of course
I still am leaning to just trying to continue on dealing with the
pain..... sigh.... I guess on that note though, I dont recall if the
surgeon before hand said anything or knew that I had C diff before....
youd think they would be a bit more throughoh but ... well yea...
Fitness...
Not
sure what I should call this section. So ill just go with that. Anyway
its been a year now, since I decided to make my goal being as health as I
can be I guess you could say. Maybe it basically my only "hobby"(not
sure if I like using the word hobby for anything in what sadly
constiutes as the life that I live)and becoming in a way obssesed with
it you could say. As a matter of fact ive at points feel that my mind
set to this is even unhealthy. But, ive tried to keep pushing through,
trying to be the best I can be. Ive changed my diet all sorts of crap in
this effort.
Ive achieved quite a bit I think. But at the same
time its extremely frustrating to know how hard ive worked, and well in
that sense.. I havn't done that much. At the end of the day I know im
sick, and hell most people will never look as good as I do now(actaully
well I guess you could say even before this year as well, as its not
like I didnt try to stay in shape of course), but ive just put forth so
much effort to this. And this is all ive gotten.. Again I know im sick, I
know my doctors have told me im dying.. But its still extremely
frustrating. Im just trying and have tried so hard... I just think
back about the shape I use to be in when I was healthy, and what I was
able to eat etc. And although it was another life time ago, it wasn't
THAT long ago to say. Ive just changed so much in this effort and again
it just feels like I should have more. Or well I should had I not gotten
fucked but yea...
I have gotten more efficiant at what im doing
which is nice. Because as it is, when I try to work out its a long
process. Lots of break taking, and of course if I get sick period while
going at it. But yea the work out themselves are getting "faster" since
im not needing to stop quite as long. Which is nice, because its quite
time consuming.
For a petty note I was disapointed to notice
once I got a 6 pack, mine is really just a 4 pack lol. Meh... Just not
as asthetic as I was hopeing.. Also strangely now that im this skinny
again(im actually the size where I was now when I got sick as well)ive
noticed something strange. Theres actaully a big bump coming out of
where all my heart pain is that is quite visable depending on well.. how
skinny I am that day. I tried to show the doctor and she thinks that I
have a bit of.. ummm some twisted spine disease thing. But I don't think
this is the case... I need to take a pic of if when it looks bad,
because it is not right looking.
Im not really sure where to go
from here fitness wise.. Again I feel ive put unhealthy amonts of
priorty into this thought this year so im gonna try and cut it down and
just try to maintain what im doing now I guess. Which isn't in thought
too hard(I say that loosely)as well, this 1. as ive said has already
been the worst year of my life. And I of course the more stuff I do the
more sick I feel, so trying to tone down isn't to big of a thing.. 2.
well theres really not much more I can do. Again my hands play a big
role in letting me work out. Since well I can't really make a fist, so I
can't lift "heavy' weights.. so ive been doing basically the same thing
for quite a awhile now... Ive actaully thought maybe later this year,
or sometime next when I get pumped to see if I can push my body any
farther maybe ill try to buy some straps to help me lift weights. But it
seems so petty to buy straps for stuff like 20 pound weights. Again I
don't really lift heavy stuff so....
Meh.... Oh of course when I
started this I had that crazy dream that maybe I could get back down to
150 pounds... Well that didn't happen. Not even close... Closest ive
gotten on my scale is 162 a few times. Which going by my scale is say
2-3 pounds off maybe(going by AJs at least since he says his is correct
shrug)Its reasonable to say ive probably hit 160 here and there. But
again its the price ive had to pay for it...
To be honest ive
tried so hard to lose weight etc, that when ever I lose a pound or if I
ever even got below 160.. I would be scared... Again what is exactly
wrong with my body I dunno, but something doesn't work right.. Again
when I went to see nutitionist they didn't even belive I was eating what
I was. So dum.... Funny went to another fucking doctor and she tried
to give some BS that I have lost 4 pounds so I am losing weight. Its
like im on a totally diff diet now, and you had me take my shoes off
this time. Does this even count? Amazing how stupid my doctors are...
Again its hard to belive that C-diff did all this. But something
happened when I was dying in that hospital that week, and those months
after when I had to take that flagyl...
Sigh just makes me angry..
Of
course its also funny to see say.. someone like Matt who has been
living here. Who is certainly not healthy in the least, drug, alchohal
whatever..... Yet he is very skinny... I guess he does have the
cigarette assist though.. *rubs chin* ... Meh though I guess at the end
of the day, thats to easy.. Theres a bajillion people who are more
unhealthy then I am, yet are living more healthy to say..... I just hate
the cards ive been giving shrug....
I could(and part of me
wants to)go on and ramble about all my thoughts on this fitness but.. I
just can't do these emotions justice... Again I know that there is a
part of me that should be happy that I was able to achieve what I have,
but at the same time theres just this big side of reality on the side...
This big sense of defeat.. That this ia all I can achieve even when I
give my best. And this side dish I guess you could say or shadow has to
be with everything I do... Im so tired of this life and never being good
enough..... And theres just no way to make it better...
A dark place part 2... how deep does the cave go....(best I could come up with!)
More
random thoughts, and feelings here... Again ive felt very empty... well
maybe completely I should say... Just the same thoughts as last when I
wrote a "real" journal entry. Struggling back and forth with the meaning
of my life now. I try to stay positive, on that side of thinking. A
lot(and of course if anyone actaully knows all the stuff that has
happened to me, which im sure its hard to keep up with. And even almost
unbelivable at times...)of bad things have happened to me.. And continue
to stay positive.. But I try to stay positive. And keep going. But
again the negative side of that, is I think that could also be
considered running away.. Not accepting the fact, that im going to big
sick for the rest of my life. Im never going to get any sort of
revenge/or justifaction for what my doctors did to me. And eventually I
am going to die in this decaying body. It doesn't matter what I do... Im
just being a coward.. a mashochist I guess...I suppose going back to
the justifaction thought, at the end of the day even that though...
would it matter? Again im still sick... Even if I was able to sue them
or whatever... In the end it doesn't matter.... And of course as this
vicious cycle of continues to go on, im just getting older.... And in
that sense its just to late I feel...
I just dont know where im
going in life, besides down that is. On one side telling myself that
this has been the worst year of my life should mean that it can only get
better.. But I know thats not the case...
In one sense I try
to live in the moment a lot. Of course not as exciting as when most
people say something like that im sure... But I try to not focus on the
past to much, nor the future. As both suck. The moment/now sucks as
well. But I just try to focus on getting through the shitty day I guess
lol.
Besides my own selfish problems that consume me. I of course
am not immnue to also worrying about others. And I also have been
worried about my youngest brother. Anxeity sorta over the fact of him,
growing up you could say. As it stands now, this is his last semester is
looks like in college. After that his sorta... off to the races I guess
with life.. Trying to be someone. And it sucks as I feel a sense of
responablity to him, but of course given my situation I wll never be
able to be a big brother to him really. I should note of course me and
my brother are not close. Nor do I consider myself close to anyone in my
family. But he is the "closet" of them? lol But yea.... I just worry
what he is going to do. And if he will suceed. Those sorta things.... He
of course is trying to be a artist, and its super competive.. I mean
its funny how many times you can just randomly go on the internet go
look up some pics and see some crazy new artist out of nowhere... I just
worry what my brother is going to do. I get scared he might get lost in
the shuffle. Or that maybe he just hasn't improoved enough, or
improoves to slow.. Or what he is going to do while going on his way..
And of course I can't help him. Which sucks. I wonder where he is going
to go, and if he is going to be happy in life. Part of it is of course
selfishness on my part. Since he is the closet family member I have,
part of me worries about him leaving.. Me being left behind almost....
My own insecurties I guess. But we all have our own lives to live. Part
of me likes the thought of if something happens he could still come home
and watch over me.. That sort of security I guess........ But theres
also a big chunk of, I fear he leaves and ends up not being happy..Not
becoming who he wants to be.. and becoming just another person in this
world. Not ment to be anything....
Thinking like that, in one
way, it makes me happy that I should die young to say... If he ends up
being disapointed in life.. I won't have to see it. And I won't have to
blame it on myself. As not being a cool enough big brother to help him. I
won't have to live with that shame.
You could say I should have
more confidence in my brother, but I would say its also a lot to do
with my unconfidence in this world. And how cursed this family is.... He
has a lot of responsablity.. As like.. maybe the only person from our
family that is having a chance/or trying to fullfill his dreams to say.
And im sure its hard on him....
Of course the whole
moving out on my own/getting my own place whatever has been on my mind a
lot as well. Ive tried of thinking of ways to save money that kinda
stuff. Just how things could be possible. In general the same thoughts,
pros, cons whatever you want to call them being weighed in my mind. Ive
actaully thought maybe I would just pay off the rest of my moms house
and stay where I am now. While continue to think about things.... Again a
big part of it of course is the sorta finality of it all if I were to
try and get my own place. Again it could very well be the last place I
ever live. If I wasn't sick my life would be so different... sigh....
All these descions are made that much harder..
I have thought
for one way to save money maybe ill get rid of full coverage insurance
on my car... At least for the not wintery sorta months... My car is
getting older.... Id like to think it would make me to a 100,000
miles... Honestly it should at least make it to that. But with all the
bad luck ive had with it, and continue to have, I guess that will be the
number ill just hope for. But yea maybe time to just save some money on
it insurance wise? Shrug.... Of course saying that im sure with my luck
good chance I do that then I get in accident immeditly.
Other
ways of saving money ive thought of..... errrr well... sorta in its own
way is actaully by buying stuff... I guess this sounds weird. But
basically my thought is to get rid of the "want" or "looking foward"(if I
can even call it that)sorta things. So I don't have those
numbers(however petty they maybe)in my head, as expences down the road.
One of the things I bought recently was a number of Japanese books. I
havn't bought anything Japanese related in quite a while now. That I
recall not quite 2 years. I remember at the time thinking I wonder if
ill ever buy anything again. And well saying that it has been quite
awhile. So I can only assume as I have this same thought now after this
purchace that the time inbetween purchaces is going to continue to grow
longer. Which means I don't have to have that thought of eventually im
gonna need some money to spend on Japanese stuff.
So yea speaking
of that, with me trying to be less focused on working out, im trying to
focus on other stuff as much as I can like Japanese. As it is im
"studying" or whatever you want to call it as much as I probably ever
have. As long as you don't count writing that is at least.(hrmm maybe if
you don't count the couple hours of being in class I guess when I had
school to? lol) As of course I don't see that ever really making much of
a come back as my hands have just degressed to much. Of course this
fact is always very frustrating as this would be the best way for me to
practice. By writing the examples etc over and over again. And of course
theres always the kanji element too. But yea as it is now im trying to
practice about a hour or 2 every day. Of course this is also hard just
because my fatigue has only gotten worse as ive gotten sicker, and it
was already hard to consentrate/read that sorta thing as it is.. But..
im trying... shrug..... Of course this is broken up through out the day.
But again im .....trying! Sigh sounds so discouraging actaully writing
that... Whatever the case lots of new books to get through, and I plan
on going through old stuff too... Hopefully I can keep this sorta pace
up till at least with the coming of winter... As for speaking yea none
of that of course.. Again something id like to do.. but.....
On
other expences ive tried to get out of the way for a very very random
one. I actually bought some art stuff. Yes ART stuff. I honestly
couldn't even tell the last time I bought art stuff... Maybe before I
was sick? Like... High school days? Of course life changed a lot around
that time, I got a job, then got that modeling job, then was traveling
around playing and making money with games.. So games just became such
a... side note sorta? Of course as ive always said its kinda funny to go
back and look at my art from just my first year of high school, to just
a couple years later. How little I was drawing and you can tell how
much worse I got. Art is deffintly something that in retrospect is good
to look at. Seeing how ive improoved or how I worsened... I guess art is
strange in that sense. For video games, I never really practiced
much(its funny how you see people talking how they practice for hours a
days, and I was winning all those tournaments and theres times I just
wouldn't play at all for awhile. Let alone hours every single day every
day. Even now of course when I randomly play online I win a shit load.
And of course ive had Japanese randomly say they think im the best in
certain games etc. Which is kinda funny. Cuz you know damn well I don't
practice or whatever anymore period. Im really getting off subject now..
But I did want to touch on games a bit so let me ramble just a bit
more. One thought I was thinking about writing is for games I feel like
the only reason I do play, is just a ego sorta boost. Just to proove,
like pure raw skill, im the best. It seems really petty.. Because I
don't even enjoy the games themselves that much anymore. But I just
enjoy the fact kinda that I can do it... weird I guess.... )yet, I don't
lose much in games. But art you can deffintly tell where I lost it. As
it is, again this year I wanted to try to keep up with last year as
there was a time for awhile I was deff trying to scribble more often.
However its fallen off quite a bit... But ive always thought about
buying art stuff again for so many years and well I did. Kinda hopefully
to motivate myself. Of course its hard given all my usual
circumstances.. But at least I can say to myself now, theres some stuff
there that I was thinking about buying for many years. Now that expense
is out lol. Shrug again the petty things to stay positive about when
your suppose to die I guess eh? lol I guess thinking about this, I did
buy that photoshop stuff etc, a few years ago. That is kinda art related
I suppose eh? *rubs chin* Of course I havn't used that much. And it was
quite awhile before I even forced myself to take a look at the books
for it etc. Which ive more or less all forgotten.. Meh one day for that I
guess eh? Seriously feels like im gonna have to buy new stuff for that
if I ever do feel the urge to try it again at this rate with how long
its taking...
Oh boy its umm September 26th now?
lol it really does take me a long time to write this stuff. Im gonna
try to finish this out by the end of the month. Lost will as usual to
write so try to go quicky through other thoughts...
-Collapsed
again just a little over a week ago. It was diff then the blood clot
thing, as that was a boom instant thing, and then I was to weak to move
my legs and a lot of pain. This was more I was trying to work out, and I
was just feeling like really fatigued. More then usual.. Had to walk
around and take a lot more breaks. It was just like.. man im really
tired today.. Then all of the sudden I started feeling like I had to
throw up. I guess I would compare it to a really strong sorta like if
you drink a lot of Cherry 7 up or something like that lol. And you get
that really big bloaty feeling. Then I sat down and im like fuck... I
started dry heaving basically, I took off my back brace, and im like
whoa ok time out im fucked up, so I ran up stairs and I started getting
dizzy I started getting a lot of heart pain, and it started shooting to
my head. Its like I have this feeling like oh shit do I call an
ambulance am I about to die all in a really short period of time ya
know. But at the same time its like no doctors never do shit, i can get
through this .. yadda yadda... And I remember looking at my phone and it
was ethier like 1:43 or 48, I remember dropping my water, and then
basically just collapsing I guess.. I must have fallen on my butt
because its been pretty sore since then. Anyway I woke up covered in all
this sweat and it was 1:5.. hrmmmm *rubs chin* now I don't even
remember.. I know I told the doctor.. But it was like 10 mins or
something now.. Anyway after I woke up, I felt a LOT better. I just felt
like I was extremely gased basically. Really tired... But much better
then say when I collapsed earlier this year...
Anyway I
eventually went to the hospital later on, and I guess they are blaming
it on my kidneys saying I was dehyrdated which is BS. But funny, because
as ive said ive been having some kidney problems this year now, but
they don't seem to care. As a matter of fact I tried seeing a doctor for
it recently and she just gave me some BS like I don't drink water(....)
or something. Its like are you fucking kidding me? Also let me just say
after this recent episode I decided to measure what I drink in a day..
Heres what I got over 4 days...
Water 152.5/100/118/118
Pop 6/8/8/6
Gatorade 6/18/10/14
Bolthouse 10/10-12/12/10
Yea
I think I drink enough liquids... So my kidneys shat on me I guess and
well thats the excuse there giving me for now.. But of course why they
are shitting on me, is a whole other story.. Ill chalk it up to the,
you guys have said im dying, and my organs are well.. Of course
going.... Of course when I brought this up to another doctor(as ive had
another appointment in this time)she just gave some vague answer like
yea that can happen, but I don't want to say its this blah blah...
Normal stuff I deal with doctors all the time I guess...
I
also found this funny beause when I brought in this list, I told them it
was ridiculous I even had to do this in the first place. Its like your
calling me a liar or some bull shit. She was like I don't think your a
liar but at least you prooved it now...
Read that again.. Does that make sense? No I don't think so ethier....
Anyway
since ive collapsed however, I have had a absolute TON of heart pain..
Lots of vibrating etc.. Im not sure if ive ever felt this much constant
heart pain since.. well I can't remember. Lots of irregular,
palpatations all that stuff.. My left arm has also been hurting but, at
the same time ive had a pretty gnarly bruise from the IV. So im just
trying to chalk it up to that. Ive wondered if maybe its my lung to
maybe? Not sure.. But it sucks, ive actaully felt like going back, just
because of all this pain.. But meh.... Just trying to get through it I
guess..
I guess on that subject ive had a lot of
random bruising this year.. strangely though the bruises don't hurt.... I
remember I was getting a lot of brusing around the time of C diff and
fora while after.. But I don't recall if those hurt off hand... Anyway
something ill have to remember to ask about I guess....
Speaking
of ...poop... Sorta... On the subject of that since ive been trying to
eat less carbs, that sorta thing. My ..."schedule" has been reaaaaaaally
random. I know I should be more specific, but to lazy.. Hopefully if I
ever check back on this post ill know what I ..ment? lol... Like hard to
have a idea of how the day is gonna be more then usual. Not that I ever
can, but more so then normal I guess. At one point it had switched to a
lot and really exhausting sorta "sessions" in the morning, and then
just in and out for the rest of the day but not a lot. And not even all
the time at night... You know what fuck it, to hard to explain and im to
lazy. Really its sad how much I can explain about my bathroom habits,
but I guess thats thats how my life turned out...
Oh
geez where am I on this now? Umm ok seriously I need to finish this
soon. Ive been thinking maybe I should try to keep better track of
things. Like every day I will write a sentence or something, about
health specificly... Maybe first I will put every thing I have but label
the specific disease or symptom as "A" "B" etc etc.. Then just at the
end of the day put down what letter was specificly bad or something? And
then at teh end of the month post it? Sigh I dunno I feel like I should
keep better track of stuff, especially considering how bad my health is
right now... And of course with the thought to that im having a lot of
NEW problems so write when they started more accurately.. Sigh anyway
umm yea ok I really need to finish this soon so lemme fire off some more
stuff thats going on....
-This deja vu(And I guess
thats just what ill call it now, these random dreams from when I was a
kid crap)is insane... It just wont stop, its coming just randomly out of
nowhere. Sometimes I just have to like just seriously tell myself to
stop when it happens or take a break. Or when im sleeping I just can't
sleep cuz its freaking me out. Again im just really taking it as a bad
omen of something. Its been going on for so long. Its just so weird that
im not only remembering the dream, but where I was when I had it. Again
its crazy to see what is actaully STILL in your brain, but I dunno. Its
wierd....
-this neck pain thing sucks... I wish it would go away... again why it even started who knows.... sigh...
-Losing
a lot of hair recently. I assume its my thyroid. It sucks beacuse I was
probably the best ive been since ive gotten sick I feel like ffor I
dunno at least a year and a half I think? Maybe 2. Some here and there
problems.. But now it seems its bad.. Again I assume its my thyroid, but
at the same time, ive just had so many fucking problems who can say
almost.....
Speaking of thyroid sorta... Strangely they switched
my dose lower. Which I really only ONLY agreed to as throwing them a
bone sorta thing. As again as ive said before since I had c-diff I
usualy do better when I am more hyper thyroidish. But I was like ok...
Well of course since ive switched ive lost more hair. But ive actaully
had even MORE heart pain and heart palpatations. I read something
strange though, as of course I would assume getting a lower dose would
make my blood pressure drop(as yea ive been having high blood pressure
stuff again)but actually it can make your blood pressure go up. The
exact opposite. I guess from what I skimmed this is actually related to
your kidneys because you don't have enough pressure to fliter the
kidneys or somethign which actually makes your blood pressure rise
trying to filter it or something blah mumbo jumbo. So I looked into this
more and more and this was actaully a pretty common(actually everything
i botherd to read)statement. Go figure. So of course with my kindey
problems now I guess that makes sense.
Also strange well.. sorta
I have lost weight since this switch. But again I have been doing all
this random stuff to lose weight, specificly around sorta this time as
well, ive been trying to eat a lower sodium diet, and ive started being
able to eat 3 meals a day more frequently now, sometimes even 4.
Although of course this is slightly misleading as im eating much smaller
portions. However at the end of the day it probably = to about what I
was eating before at 2 meals or so. Still its just so shocking for me to
lose weight even if its only 2 or 3 pounds. Its fucking bizaree to me,
plus with my thyroid actaully being LOWER so it should be harder to lose
weight. That could be I dunno maybe FIVE pounds(..hey again this is me
were talking about)if I was more regular? I dunno it makes me think
something is wrong again. Its like should I ME with all my problems
trying to lose weight, lose a few pounds from just trying to eat more
throughout the day, and a lower sodium(nothing drastic mind you, just
when I buy meat now at teh deli I buy low sodium that can't be that much
of a chance id think..)... So anyway where....
I still get
bloated a lot though, and my stats still change to me in a weird way...
However I get to a 28 inch waist sometimes now, and at top 42 inch
chest. Again though this is the more extreme, say 28 inch waist in the
morning, 42 inch chest after working out. Of course this is moot though
to because even if I am able to get to 28 inch waist, from what ive
tried in the store, I could never get that around my hips anyway
shrug...
-Blah lots of heart pain.. blah....
-Very
strange but I feel like my face has gotten fater. I only say feel right
now, as I can't say for sure. This is im sure strange random sounding.
But again your talking to someone who basically all he has to do for the
day is drowning in his own shittyness. So im pretty anal about how
things change, even if miniscule as im always on the look out. And yea..
Strange.. Again can't say for sure about this one. Just something ive
randomly noticed. And im second guessing myself, so yea cant say for
sure rubs chin...
-Although not my worst headache year, this
maybe the most headaches ive ever had at night.. like waking me up from
sleep ever... Sigh... I guess I can't really take any kinda positive
from any area eh...
-More electronic problems, the usual I
buy something and for some reason its broken out the box. This keeps
happening through out this whole year.. very strange.. But again thats
my luck I suppose... Im starting to wonder if my mp3 player is
cursed... Like everytime I plug something into it, it breaks? I mean
seriously it can't be normal(well saying that of course its not but..)to
go through buying new headphones and each time they don't work when I
plug them in.. Maybe next time I will plug it into something else first
just to make sure it worked at least at one time lol.. On a VERY strange
"good" at least for the time being note. My ESATA cable randomly worked
last time I used it. Why did it work? I have no idea. But I always just
plug it in sorta in a... well maybe it will work this time kinda way.
And it actaully worked last time I used it. Very strange.... But yea
other than that, bought some other stuff to and it was fucked.. To be
honest I didn't even attempt to take it back, just like.. yea.. you know
what. I don't care.. Whatever lol. Ill just deal with the subpar maybe
it will work someday vibe I guess...
-Ive been having
lots of weird sensations. Like tingly pain since the summer. Not normal
sorta nervey feeling pain. Although I have been having random burning
pain, ive also had randoml chill almost sensations as well. hard to
explain.. But it sucks.. Ive had it before where its like crawling up my
face from my mouth all that kinda shit. Which of course scares me that
it was going to my brain at one point. But yea also ive lost feeling in
my hands.... times were like I guess I could compare it sorta to getting
contrast or something that shoots through you randomly. But then just
losing feeling.. sigh...
-Left hand has been been very week
for months now it seems. Has to be at least 2 months Id think. Just not
getting better.. Its right around that area where I guess I have that
hyper trophic osterotrophy whatever... Since all this heart pain of
course my left arm has been bad as well.... of course this sucks because
im just getting over not long ago all this vertigo problems that came
with a lot of neck pain and pain down my left arm. Although this does
not feel the same as that pain. Its still annoying.. Anyway its been
giving me a lot of trouble.... Just losing my grip really easily, and
now with all this left arm pain period blah..fuck life as usual I
guess..
-argh this spots in my eyes are terrible....
sometimes there to the point of im seeing shadows of people there so
big, and I have to double take.. Maybe I said this already..oh well it
sucks and is extremely annoying whatever the case...
-argh
remember how I said my nuts were getting better.. Ok i might scratch
that now..cuz its hurting a lot.. and ive done jack shit too.. dunno why
its starting up...
-God where am I now.. I was in
the hospital again. I guess I have some P~ something... whatever there
saying I have some inflamation around my heart. Whatever.. They tried to
tell me just to take some anti inflamatory stuff and rest and it should
get better. But its been going on for weeks now. And I have not been
able to work out out very much. I have been resting. And boy my
stomache/body must be getting bad cuz I can barely even take a motrin it
seems now. Just jacks up my stomach to much....
Things are bad.
And im really worried. Its so painful. The most consitent heart pain ive
ever had. This pain in my throat, this nut pain, fucking everything man
things are not good.
Ive actaully felt like ive had some panic
attacks at night or something. As ive woken up or half a sleep. And its
like im going crazy. Im sick to much, this is just to much right now...
I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I keep thinking its
only a matter of time. Im gonna have to do something. Its getting so
hard to find a reason to keep going. I keep asking myself why, why and I
can never find a answer, and this question is coming up so much now. I
have no escape and its so fucking constant..
I just cant do
anything.... the whole japanese thing has failed again quite early on as
well it seems. As ive been having a really hard time reading. Like my
brain is so fucked right now im having trouble reading old stuff. Like
something just is not right with me........ Im just stuck drowning every
fucking day..
Its
october 20th.. Im still not done with this.. meh.. ill just say the end
for now.. guess ill write the rest another time. Shrug
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xplGS_5T_vE