Responsability..... and complaining...
I started writing this on and off through out the month so all over the place as usual... I was gonna save the bad luck stuff for the end, but fuck it im in a bad mood now so lets talk about recent shit....
-Car broke down.. Like the movie breaking down. Smoke everywhere. All that kinda shit. Of course somehow my mom takes this as a good opportunity to start yelling at me telling me how its my fault since I never wash my car? Its like wtf are you talking about? Shes like "Its cuz yo never wash your car"
me : "I wash my car"
her : "its cuz you never wash your car"
me : ".. I wash my car"
her: " NO YOU DONT. IVE NEVER SEEN YOU WASH YOUR CAR EVER"
Me: "you know not everyone is as miserable as you are"
her: "YOU LITTLE SHIT. IF YOUR NOT MISERABLE THEN GET YOUR SHIT OUT OF THIS HOUSE. IM TAKING YOU OFF THE CELL PHONE PLAN. WHY SHOULD I PAY YOUR FUCKING $100 FOR YOUR PHONE!!???"
me: "Its $100 for my cell phone?"
her: "No its $10 dollars because your on my plan."
me: "you just said its a hundred dollars"
her "NO I DIDNT "
me "yes you did"
her "YOU LITTLE SHIT WHY DO I HAVE TO PAY FOR YOUR SHIT"
me "Why do i have to pay for everyones soap, shampoo, toliet paper all that crap etc etc"
her "THAT DOESNT MATTER CLAYTON. IF EVERYONE USES SOMETHING IT DOENST MATTER IF YOU PAY FOR IT"
me "Why are you yelling what is your problem?"
her "YOUR YELLING YOU SHIT.... GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS HOUSE SHUT UP SHUT UPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!"
then she stormed out of the room...
Sadly thats almost a literal 100% re account of what happened. I was almost thinking of taping it, but I didn't have the mp3 recorder at the ready. Oh well... life right?
Anyway yea.... car fucked up..... It cost $830 dollars to fix. I guess the radiator shit it self. Sadly I just had my car checked up last month, and the radiator was one of the things they checked. I was like... "didnt you guys just work on my car last month?" They were like "yea...." I was like "isnt the radiator one of the things you checked?" They were like "yea.. well it could have broken 5 mins after we gave it back to you." I was like "...right"
...
Again im not sure how many original parts are even on my car anymore. Maybe just the engine? Who knows. Maybe my car is cursed like that James Dean car or something. If I had money I would just get a new car, or at least tell myself the next time my car breaks down, im getting a new one. Seriously... Of course again that requires money... And I have the feeling that I would get a new car and it would end up being something ridiculous like one of the cars that always gets recalled for being defective or some shit. And I say that as well because fuck getting a used car. My car was supposedly in great condition it only had 20,000 miles on it when I bought it, and hell 8 years later or whatever and it only has 67,000 miles on it or something now I think. But yea... Again I can just easily think back to right when I got my car, and the battery died almost immediately.... But I guess I didn't know I was gonna end up being cursed back then so....
-So you know how I got that letter in the mail a few months ago that the judge FINALLY got the notice that he had fucked up my case. Well another letter just came today. And well.. ive been butt fucked once again. Yep they screwed up my money again. My dads side is suppose to be $1,300 a month right. That goes along with the $600 I get from my social security from the time I worked I guess right.(Again there was that whole confusion thing about if I got both or not but I guess im suppose to get both anyway..)Well this paper now says I get $700... Thats it..
WTF. So somehow I just lost $600 dollars somewhere... I emailed my aunt and asked him how much jake(my middle brother who has been on disability since well who knows when for being... well.. anyway)gets from my dads social security and she is said $1,300 something. Like I thought. So somewhere I just lost $600 I guess...
Or wait let me guess.. Since one of the original problems was they thought my dad was alive, maybe NOW he is half dead! argh....
Oh and of course it gets better, then in the letter it says its not sure if im mentally competent to receive money from the government so they may have to give it to someone else? WTF?
Who the fuck knows whats going on, there suppose to call me... But who knows when that will happen.
-Doctor stuff... Suppose to go to Henry Ford Hospital now for stuff... Lets see how fast they can kick me out eh? =/
My heart has been really bad lately. Waking up a lot from it lately. Again I guess I can only think ever since that C diff my blood pressure has been all over the place. My heart is just super tight/vibrating/ kinda painful.... I woke up from my heart like stopping 3 times in one night just a couple days ago. Not very good with all my other stuff..... Of course you can go back to a 2-3 years ago whenever it was when I was on that heart machine only for them to refuse to give me my records, just saying I have irregular heart beat or whatever. =/ I think I should be on one again.. but who cares but me right? lol
Right hand/wrist is fucked up. I dunno what happened, if I twisted a cap, or if I just cracked it to hard. But its been messed up since December and its not getting better. Its like between my pointer finger/thumb and to the wrist around there. Again I dunno what I did, but its not getting better. Shrug And again I dont work out very hard, and ive taken quite a few extra days off hopeing it would get better. But still nothing. I recently had a X-ray of it. Hopefully it shows something. Though im pissed cuz on the referral for it, it just said hand, not hand and wrist. I can just imagine them only focusing on the hand part of the pain and not going down towards the wrist. Im gonna call and swear at them tomorrow I think. =/ I shouldve gotten pissed right when I saw it then, but again its so hard to get mad. And much easier to give up.
Saw that new PCP again.. I thiiiiiiiiiiiiink shes going to see me. But its only been 2 visits im not going to hold my breath. Although my MP3 recorder STOPPED like a quarter of the way through the appointment. Thats actually one of the main reasons for me getting pissed and deciding to finish this post actually im so fucking pissed about it. Slight blame goes to me, as I knew it was getting low on the battery, but fuck it was between 2-1. And there are only 3 blocks. I guess the first 2 blocks equal more? Anyway yea im pissed because, one of the things I complained to her about was my wrist, so I can just imagine if the above happens, and she claims I only complained about the hand part and not going down to the wrist. Also what sucks is she admitted that my records are iffy to me. And ive told her I tape her as well. Shes like... why does it say you have osteopenia but your young so its ok? What does that mean? Someone your age shouldn't have any thing. I was like.. I know.. At first they told me I had osteoprosis(fuck these medical names)then they said I had nothing, then they said I had just osteopenia...
And of course she said other things seemed strange, and admiting I was testing positive for said things UofM is now denying... but whatever not like I didn't know that I guess... She also asked me if I drank AGAIN... argh... Do I look like a heavy drinker? Seriously?
Anyway yea im pissed it stopped like a quarter of the way through the appointment. I guess now if I ever see the recorder even get close to one block fuck it, im just going to assume its going to die out right now... argh....
Other complaining and notes....
-I bought a MP3 player. A sandisk clip 8gig got it for $40. I saw it on TV for $99 bucks so I think its a good deal? Or at least one of those things they trick you into thinking its a good deal. I finally bit the bullet just because I forget if I complained about it or not, but my car disk player broke as well. =/ Plus I haven't had a portable player since around when I actually had a cassette player around the Kroger days ha... I think I had a shitty CD player as well, but it didn't work half the time. I should say that cassette player did get a lot of use.. I still remember 2 clear memories of it...
On the trip to Montreal in 2002? or whatever on ONE pair of batteries it got me through the whole trip.... It was like 11 hours there and back. And it lasted the whole time. That shouldn't be possible. And one day it started playing all my songs backwards...
...
This was actually cool, though... I wonder if there is a mp3 way to do this manually? I remember some FF8 boss music sounded awesome when it was played backwards. Also I "liked" how when obviously if the batteries were about to die for a cassette player the music started playing really slow. lol it made some songs sound kinda cool. Silly... But fun I guess...
-I bought a couple more Japanese books. I still haven't finished a couple I bought last year actually. lol The ones I bought are pretty easy reads though it seems. And to me thats pretty important as again cuz of my hands I cant write much to study so having something to just do a quick read is nice for me. Plus of course I get tired easily so... I dunno I just like having something thats simple, and quick, and I can just see how other people translate sentences compared to how I read them in my mind I guess. Id like to think im on the trail end of me buying Japanese books. I only bought a few last year period, and these might be the only 2 I buy this year. Then after that who knows...
-Game stuff. Haven't played anything online in awhile. Hands have been hurting, controllers are broken, and just sorta feel done with it since A1 and Karnovs are the only games I randomly enjoyed to play really fighting game wise. I have played a little Namco vs Capcom recently on and off. I actually just turned it on because I wanted to see Sayas super since I remember it being cool, only to find out all my saves were gone. And I only had one save left randomly at some chapter. Meh... Guess they got deleted or something. Oh well... Anyway just casually playing it a bit to practice keep my japanese going in a sense. I had forgotten just HOW tedious the game was. Its a really tiresome game to play for sure. I still havnt played Sengoku Rance or some other Hentai game that Alex ended up giving me a bit before the end of the year. I had gotten a couple other games as well, but they ended up being waaaay more sexual then I had thought they would be. Whats worse the Japanese for me at least was awkward so since thats the main reason I would be playing... Well... I haven't played them again. Its sorta like... ok this is hard for me to read, and wtf is the protagonist doing now... ....
fuck...
Lots of... "..eh..." kinda stuff. Dunno if ill ever play em again. I forget if I said it, but I did recently play True Love 95' and im happy to say its still one of my fave games of all time. They just dont make dating games like they use to I guess... I have been thinking of playing Amagami again but all those Priority events and what not among other things has discouraged me enough from doing so....
I guess SSF4 does come out next month? Or is it this month? I didn't even have the first one. And only played it a few matchs ever period so.... I was sorta thinking of getting it out of appreciation of the clusterfuckness of adding so many characters, but since games are such a little part of my life now. And well my controllers are broken which means id have to buy new ones, well.. I haven't been to horny about the idea. I suppose although not a main reason, now I also have in the back of my head all these recent expenses as well.
-Oh yea did I mention that? I know I talked about the car shit, but yea I gotta do some dentist stuff too. Im not gonna do the root canal as of course that whole insurance thing that happened(oh yea speaking of that, needless to say maybe, they tried to get me to pay for something I don't have to again as well.. ... ..)but I still need to have some other stuff done. Already did some of it, so there was $160 bucks right there... Then I have about $300 in fillings coming up. And then my teeth are starting to chip from where I had those braces from when I was a kid. Had to get them fixed a bit, a 2-3 years ago or something and one of them is already starting to chip. =/ They said its not a priority but im still not happy about it. I thought they were suppose to last like at least 5 years or something? They said its the sjogerns and blood pressure making my teeth worse.. =/ Oh well...
-Ive wanted to draw a lot lately... I still haven't even gotten started on all that photoshop etc that I bought.. I wish my hands didn't hurt so much. Ive sorta felt like doing one of those buying stuff just to make myself feel good things, and buy lots of art stuff even if I cant use it.... Life is depressing like that I guess....
-Ive had this CPU for a year now, and still haven't fixed everything in order yet.. I think I talked about this for some reason in a recent post.. Maybe I did... I will say I find myself DLing stuff only to not even read it... Ive DLed quite a bit of Doujin/Hentai type stuff, and ill be damned if I have ever even extracted it out of any RARs or anything. lol Maybe ill actually look at it one day... I blame it on only have 30gigs for like 7 years or something to deal with. Now that I actually have room to DL stuff on my cpu, sometimes I just DL stuff and never even open it shrug....
-One "good" thing about my situation is, it takes a lot to actually make me angry. I see people get angry so quick, like my brother can get pretty moody pretty fast...... Of course my Mom all the time. Its just like, what about all the shit that has happened to me, and have I EVER snapped at anyone? Hell actually off the top of my head I cant ever really recall snapping at anyone. I maybe unfriendly, or quiet or something, but I guess in general I just dont get angry like other people... I guess just complaining nonchalantly usually works for me. And fuck I dont even do that sometimes. Again fuck when I found out I was dying did I go to anyone off hand and even tell them? Nope. I dont even think I wrote it in my journal till awhile after... Just the kinda person I am I guess..
- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KJBzqe7AbJA I bought lift kits.. lol again like I say in the video im actually five ten so im not really short per say.. but lol... sometimes I honestly feel like I should just do Vlogs since again, how many people read this journal anyway? So I dont need per say to have a ton of views for one.. but its easier to talk then to type.. And even if im not the most eloquent speaker to say, its easier to just maybe if I have a thought to talk about it on the spot? Oh well maybe im gonna jinx myself here, but my cancer spot really isnt visible on my head in this video either.. maybe my hair is getting a bit better? =/
Ive felt lonely in a way lately.. The Kroger posts fault... Ive even thought of how ill never get to have a family all that kinda shit randomly.. Never get to be in love or anything.... It would be one thing(mind you a horrible thing)if it was like the old days when I was sick, when it was the migraines taking control of my life... Hell there still there, but again the thing that makes that better to say is not doing as much. So ya know... But now the fact I ive been having so many stomach issues and stuff makes it hard to even fake it if I were to try getting a GF ya know? Sigh...... The whole doctors fucking up my dick doesn't help either. Honestly ive been typing about this thing for to long ill save that complaining for another time...
Responsibilityand complaining...
Boy a lot of posts eh? Not by design though... Just have had a lot on my mind I guess. Ill try to keep the dying/sick stuff till the end, as once again ive had some other feelings I felt like writing. I still need to go over those huge Kroger posts I just made and edit em' a bit. But for now onto this I guess.. Though saying that, after realizing how long it took to write im defiantly glad I wrote it. Its kinda funny, the people im sure that post(s)is most intresting to are perhaps the people that I would want least to read it. I guess im safe since to my knowledge no one from that time period reads my journal but still... Certainly theres no malice in what I wrote... But perhaps some of it could be taken the wrong way. Of course maybe my masochistic nature but if someone ever wrote something about me, id want to read it, even if bad lol.
So... yea for the topic at hand....
Ive had a fair amount on my mind lately these nights... As I wait for the pain to subdue enough to sleep, while listening to the fan lost in my thoughts. Coming to this keen realization that I had someone entered into another period of my life with out recognizing it. I know I wrote that I had lost my friends. And I realized that the AA group of friends have also been lost. And ive been thinking about, what sort of responsablity do I hold to my friends. I just said friends here, but throw me a bone here. When I say lost a friend in at least this sence.. I mean.. The essence sorta of what makes you friends with someone. The common interest.
And ive wondered if I let certain friends down. That I was irresponsible with our friendship. I guess seeing Matt brings those feelings up. And then recently I heard that Matt had gotten drunk recently to the point he pulled a knife out on Travis and threatened him. When I asked Matt about it, he was apparently drunk enough that he didn't even know Travis was over.
But as usual its the feeling of like.. "what am I suppose to do?" Matt has been getting into trouble since the first day I met him over 10 years ago. Hes been in and out of jail, rehab etc etc...
Ive always in my mind likened my self to.. Sorta the friend "Clayton wouldn't be the first dude you would call if there was trouble, but IF you did call him he would do it"... Does that make sense? Maybe it only does in my mind. lol
Ive tried to tell Matt, and many others when they've come to me, or I asked how they were doing something to the extent of "Just because we aren't friends like we use to be, doesnt mean I want anything bad to happen to you." A broken record I guess, as ive said it quite a few times. But I mean it in a sincere way every time.
I guess I havnt complained about my mom in awhile... In general I try to stay away from the subject, since well its the same ol' same old sorta thing. No one needs to tell me, or I dont need reissurance that my mom isnt a good person. I dont need to talk shit about someone in paticular to satisfy myself like others. Of course though on the same ol' same old thing, granted you could say "well what about doctors?"... That would be true, but again, take into account what I said before, about people in paticular. And my health IS the most important thing in my life.. so.....
Anyway whatever the case, a bit of complaining about my mom simply because, not even so much of a joke, theres actually some truth to it when I say I think my mom is litterally going sorta crazy. Again not just in a jokeing mannor. Recently a couple weeks ago she bought some new pictures right, and well you hang pics on the wall. And I dunno if she has some new obessive complusive complex but litterally every day she has been switching the pics. EVERY DAY. Seriously today I just sat down at the cpu, and stared at the pics for a few mins. And to myself was like dude... are you serious? 2 weeks straight you have been switching the pics... Same thing with furinture all the time. She did her usual complaining that I never clean my room(which of course is riduclous... As I dont even know if zackery vacumms his room, but I know I have a schedule of cleaning all my stuff period.. meh anyway), and when I got in there she had thrown more shit in my room, that wasnt there before. Its like.... what the fuck is wrong with you?
Hell just yesterday I asked my mom if she was done using the vacumm so I could vacumm my room, she said yea I went up stairs vacummed my room and then put it back down stairs. Then a bit later she starts swearing at me like "you little shit head why dont you vacum your were room already!" Im like... "...I just did" Shes like, "VACUMM YOUR FUCKING ROOM"... Im like.. "...I just did." Shes like.. "....oh... well VACUMM AND DUST IT ALREADY. And why do you have TVs in your room!"
...
Zackery got in accident(AGAIN.. although not his fault)and holy fuck my mom was pissed....
AT ME... She started yelling at me how I wasnt giving her the non emergecny number. Im like wtf are you talking about seriously... Then she starts yelling about how theres to much garbage in cars....
Its like dude you are seriously insane now arnt you? lol
You know how when you get older, like grandma, grandpa sorta age, you start to get senile? Well I think my mom reached that age in her 30s or something cuz I seriously dont ever remember a time when she wasnt fucking crazy. Off the top of my head, I think when I started to "give up" on my moms sanity probably was around high school the last time she tried to slap the shit out of me.
I dont remember exactly what I did.. Ill assume it was something either trival, or nothing at all, but she started walking towards me and hitting me, and slapping me while calling me ugly. Ha ok maybe she didnt say ugly. I dont remember her ever calling me ugly while hiting me off the top of my head, but continuing, and I pushed her away to protect myself. And the first thing she did was go crazy like "OMG HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO YOUR MOTHER" sorta shit. And she went and grabbed the phone and called sharon(I think her name was)and started talking next to me(one of those so I could hear sorta deals)and was like "Do I need to call 911? He hit me. I cant take these kids anymore"
Its like... you start trying to slap the shit out of me for no reason, I push you away and now your talking about calling the police on me for hitting you?
One of the things I always seem to think about when I get frustrated about stuff like this is basically, the thought that, as a kid if I ever did anything wrong to go in the fetal position. I still vividly remember as a kid trying to hide in a closet crying while in the fetal postion. To be honest there is only one time ever... EVER that I can remember I wasnt hit when this sorta thing happened. And strangely enough it was from my father who, was more violent then my mother(where as of course my mother is more emotional abusive? To say)of course.... Random how that works. Strangely enough too, it was when I accidently fell off my bike and hit my dads car and broke off the side view mirror, which you would think would be something that might get you one.
And of course as usual even saying this im not trying to act like my life was some Sunday night movie.. But whatever.
I guess for other stories since im complaining, I had recently given my mom rent money, or maybe just money to say. And then my mom does her usual thing which I tend to ignore but since she litterealy wasnt even 5 feet from me while on the phone I took notice. She starts complaining on the phone how I never do anything, have never washed any clothes before, never cleaned my room, never give any money what so ever. And I was like "WTF did I not just give you $150" shes like.. "youve never done anything"
This is the sorta shit I have to deal with I would say on average every other day, just because lets say sometimes I get lucky and maybe I get sick, and am a sleep while shes awake that sorta thing.. Seriously, I go out and I buy all the tolietries, and she starts bitching at me that I didnt buy her water. Or say again I go and buy bathroom stuff again(which to my knowledge everyone uses), and she gets pissed and says "why dont I buy something usefull, instead of toliet paper, and soap for a change".. sorry I assumed you wanted to whipe your ass bitch.
Hell one day I had bought a bag of butterfingers, I put them in the freezer, then I came back downstairs and I saw a bag of butterfingers on the table. And I was like "did you just take my butterfingers out?" and shes like "No these ones are mine... but you can have one if you want, cuz I actually buy stuff for everyone. Not like you who has never done anything for anyone in his life" Again this is after I just came home and bought the "family" soap, all that shit. Its like wtf dude...
And again as ive said before, I was buying all my own shit ever since I dropped out of school, I paied rent all that crap. But my mom will never admit to any of it. Much like she refuses to admit she abused me or let her boyfriends abuse me. And when even my brother who was there the day my mom let her boyfriend rag doll me all over the place has commented on it, just says "I was sick, I dont remember"
Thats the kinda person my mom is I guess...
I dont think I finished either of those thoughts about my mom or matt but I just had them saved on some note pad for when I did.. But I just don't care anymore lol.
Oh yea did I mention my credit card was stolen as well? Shrug what are you gonna do though right? Im use to bad luck I guess... randomly right after the Kroger post I got de friended by "CG" on Facebook... I think the chances of her reading my journal are pretty much 0.. But still strange...
-Car broke down.. Like the movie breaking down. Smoke everywhere. All that kinda shit. Of course somehow my mom takes this as a good opportunity to start yelling at me telling me how its my fault since I never wash my car? Its like wtf are you talking about? Shes like "Its cuz yo never wash your car"
me : "I wash my car"
her : "its cuz you never wash your car"
me : ".. I wash my car"
her: " NO YOU DONT. IVE NEVER SEEN YOU WASH YOUR CAR EVER"
Me: "you know not everyone is as miserable as you are"
her: "YOU LITTLE SHIT. IF YOUR NOT MISERABLE THEN GET YOUR SHIT OUT OF THIS HOUSE. IM TAKING YOU OFF THE CELL PHONE PLAN. WHY SHOULD I PAY YOUR FUCKING $100 FOR YOUR PHONE!!???"
me: "Its $100 for my cell phone?"
her: "No its $10 dollars because your on my plan."
me: "you just said its a hundred dollars"
her "NO I DIDNT "
me "yes you did"
her "YOU LITTLE SHIT WHY DO I HAVE TO PAY FOR YOUR SHIT"
me "Why do i have to pay for everyones soap, shampoo, toliet paper all that crap etc etc"
her "THAT DOESNT MATTER CLAYTON. IF EVERYONE USES SOMETHING IT DOENST MATTER IF YOU PAY FOR IT"
me "Why are you yelling what is your problem?"
her "YOUR YELLING YOU SHIT.... GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS HOUSE SHUT UP SHUT UPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!"
then she stormed out of the room...
Sadly thats almost a literal 100% re account of what happened. I was almost thinking of taping it, but I didn't have the mp3 recorder at the ready. Oh well... life right?
Anyway yea.... car fucked up..... It cost $830 dollars to fix. I guess the radiator shit it self. Sadly I just had my car checked up last month, and the radiator was one of the things they checked. I was like... "didnt you guys just work on my car last month?" They were like "yea...." I was like "isnt the radiator one of the things you checked?" They were like "yea.. well it could have broken 5 mins after we gave it back to you." I was like "...right"
...
Again im not sure how many original parts are even on my car anymore. Maybe just the engine? Who knows. Maybe my car is cursed like that James Dean car or something. If I had money I would just get a new car, or at least tell myself the next time my car breaks down, im getting a new one. Seriously... Of course again that requires money... And I have the feeling that I would get a new car and it would end up being something ridiculous like one of the cars that always gets recalled for being defective or some shit. And I say that as well because fuck getting a used car. My car was supposedly in great condition it only had 20,000 miles on it when I bought it, and hell 8 years later or whatever and it only has 67,000 miles on it or something now I think. But yea... Again I can just easily think back to right when I got my car, and the battery died almost immediately.... But I guess I didn't know I was gonna end up being cursed back then so....
-So you know how I got that letter in the mail a few months ago that the judge FINALLY got the notice that he had fucked up my case. Well another letter just came today. And well.. ive been butt fucked once again. Yep they screwed up my money again. My dads side is suppose to be $1,300 a month right. That goes along with the $600 I get from my social security from the time I worked I guess right.(Again there was that whole confusion thing about if I got both or not but I guess im suppose to get both anyway..)Well this paper now says I get $700... Thats it..
WTF. So somehow I just lost $600 dollars somewhere... I emailed my aunt and asked him how much jake(my middle brother who has been on disability since well who knows when for being... well.. anyway)gets from my dads social security and she is said $1,300 something. Like I thought. So somewhere I just lost $600 I guess...
Or wait let me guess.. Since one of the original problems was they thought my dad was alive, maybe NOW he is half dead! argh....
Oh and of course it gets better, then in the letter it says its not sure if im mentally competent to receive money from the government so they may have to give it to someone else? WTF?
Who the fuck knows whats going on, there suppose to call me... But who knows when that will happen.
-Doctor stuff... Suppose to go to Henry Ford Hospital now for stuff... Lets see how fast they can kick me out eh? =/
My heart has been really bad lately. Waking up a lot from it lately. Again I guess I can only think ever since that C diff my blood pressure has been all over the place. My heart is just super tight/vibrating/ kinda painful.... I woke up from my heart like stopping 3 times in one night just a couple days ago. Not very good with all my other stuff..... Of course you can go back to a 2-3 years ago whenever it was when I was on that heart machine only for them to refuse to give me my records, just saying I have irregular heart beat or whatever. =/ I think I should be on one again.. but who cares but me right? lol
Right hand/wrist is fucked up. I dunno what happened, if I twisted a cap, or if I just cracked it to hard. But its been messed up since December and its not getting better. Its like between my pointer finger/thumb and to the wrist around there. Again I dunno what I did, but its not getting better. Shrug And again I dont work out very hard, and ive taken quite a few extra days off hopeing it would get better. But still nothing. I recently had a X-ray of it. Hopefully it shows something. Though im pissed cuz on the referral for it, it just said hand, not hand and wrist. I can just imagine them only focusing on the hand part of the pain and not going down towards the wrist. Im gonna call and swear at them tomorrow I think. =/ I shouldve gotten pissed right when I saw it then, but again its so hard to get mad. And much easier to give up.
Saw that new PCP again.. I thiiiiiiiiiiiiink shes going to see me. But its only been 2 visits im not going to hold my breath. Although my MP3 recorder STOPPED like a quarter of the way through the appointment. Thats actually one of the main reasons for me getting pissed and deciding to finish this post actually im so fucking pissed about it. Slight blame goes to me, as I knew it was getting low on the battery, but fuck it was between 2-1. And there are only 3 blocks. I guess the first 2 blocks equal more? Anyway yea im pissed because, one of the things I complained to her about was my wrist, so I can just imagine if the above happens, and she claims I only complained about the hand part and not going down to the wrist. Also what sucks is she admitted that my records are iffy to me. And ive told her I tape her as well. Shes like... why does it say you have osteopenia but your young so its ok? What does that mean? Someone your age shouldn't have any thing. I was like.. I know.. At first they told me I had osteoprosis(fuck these medical names)then they said I had nothing, then they said I had just osteopenia...
And of course she said other things seemed strange, and admiting I was testing positive for said things UofM is now denying... but whatever not like I didn't know that I guess... She also asked me if I drank AGAIN... argh... Do I look like a heavy drinker? Seriously?
Anyway yea im pissed it stopped like a quarter of the way through the appointment. I guess now if I ever see the recorder even get close to one block fuck it, im just going to assume its going to die out right now... argh....
Other complaining and notes....
-I bought a MP3 player. A sandisk clip 8gig got it for $40. I saw it on TV for $99 bucks so I think its a good deal? Or at least one of those things they trick you into thinking its a good deal. I finally bit the bullet just because I forget if I complained about it or not, but my car disk player broke as well. =/ Plus I haven't had a portable player since around when I actually had a cassette player around the Kroger days ha... I think I had a shitty CD player as well, but it didn't work half the time. I should say that cassette player did get a lot of use.. I still remember 2 clear memories of it...
On the trip to Montreal in 2002? or whatever on ONE pair of batteries it got me through the whole trip.... It was like 11 hours there and back. And it lasted the whole time. That shouldn't be possible. And one day it started playing all my songs backwards...
...
This was actually cool, though... I wonder if there is a mp3 way to do this manually? I remember some FF8 boss music sounded awesome when it was played backwards. Also I "liked" how when obviously if the batteries were about to die for a cassette player the music started playing really slow. lol it made some songs sound kinda cool. Silly... But fun I guess...
-I bought a couple more Japanese books. I still haven't finished a couple I bought last year actually. lol The ones I bought are pretty easy reads though it seems. And to me thats pretty important as again cuz of my hands I cant write much to study so having something to just do a quick read is nice for me. Plus of course I get tired easily so... I dunno I just like having something thats simple, and quick, and I can just see how other people translate sentences compared to how I read them in my mind I guess. Id like to think im on the trail end of me buying Japanese books. I only bought a few last year period, and these might be the only 2 I buy this year. Then after that who knows...
-Game stuff. Haven't played anything online in awhile. Hands have been hurting, controllers are broken, and just sorta feel done with it since A1 and Karnovs are the only games I randomly enjoyed to play really fighting game wise. I have played a little Namco vs Capcom recently on and off. I actually just turned it on because I wanted to see Sayas super since I remember it being cool, only to find out all my saves were gone. And I only had one save left randomly at some chapter. Meh... Guess they got deleted or something. Oh well... Anyway just casually playing it a bit to practice keep my japanese going in a sense. I had forgotten just HOW tedious the game was. Its a really tiresome game to play for sure. I still havnt played Sengoku Rance or some other Hentai game that Alex ended up giving me a bit before the end of the year. I had gotten a couple other games as well, but they ended up being waaaay more sexual then I had thought they would be. Whats worse the Japanese for me at least was awkward so since thats the main reason I would be playing... Well... I haven't played them again. Its sorta like... ok this is hard for me to read, and wtf is the protagonist doing now... ....
fuck...
Lots of... "..eh..." kinda stuff. Dunno if ill ever play em again. I forget if I said it, but I did recently play True Love 95' and im happy to say its still one of my fave games of all time. They just dont make dating games like they use to I guess... I have been thinking of playing Amagami again but all those Priority events and what not among other things has discouraged me enough from doing so....
I guess SSF4 does come out next month? Or is it this month? I didn't even have the first one. And only played it a few matchs ever period so.... I was sorta thinking of getting it out of appreciation of the clusterfuckness of adding so many characters, but since games are such a little part of my life now. And well my controllers are broken which means id have to buy new ones, well.. I haven't been to horny about the idea. I suppose although not a main reason, now I also have in the back of my head all these recent expenses as well.
-Oh yea did I mention that? I know I talked about the car shit, but yea I gotta do some dentist stuff too. Im not gonna do the root canal as of course that whole insurance thing that happened(oh yea speaking of that, needless to say maybe, they tried to get me to pay for something I don't have to again as well.. ... ..)but I still need to have some other stuff done. Already did some of it, so there was $160 bucks right there... Then I have about $300 in fillings coming up. And then my teeth are starting to chip from where I had those braces from when I was a kid. Had to get them fixed a bit, a 2-3 years ago or something and one of them is already starting to chip. =/ They said its not a priority but im still not happy about it. I thought they were suppose to last like at least 5 years or something? They said its the sjogerns and blood pressure making my teeth worse.. =/ Oh well...
-Ive wanted to draw a lot lately... I still haven't even gotten started on all that photoshop etc that I bought.. I wish my hands didn't hurt so much. Ive sorta felt like doing one of those buying stuff just to make myself feel good things, and buy lots of art stuff even if I cant use it.... Life is depressing like that I guess....
-Ive had this CPU for a year now, and still haven't fixed everything in order yet.. I think I talked about this for some reason in a recent post.. Maybe I did... I will say I find myself DLing stuff only to not even read it... Ive DLed quite a bit of Doujin/Hentai type stuff, and ill be damned if I have ever even extracted it out of any RARs or anything. lol Maybe ill actually look at it one day... I blame it on only have 30gigs for like 7 years or something to deal with. Now that I actually have room to DL stuff on my cpu, sometimes I just DL stuff and never even open it shrug....
-One "good" thing about my situation is, it takes a lot to actually make me angry. I see people get angry so quick, like my brother can get pretty moody pretty fast...... Of course my Mom all the time. Its just like, what about all the shit that has happened to me, and have I EVER snapped at anyone? Hell actually off the top of my head I cant ever really recall snapping at anyone. I maybe unfriendly, or quiet or something, but I guess in general I just dont get angry like other people... I guess just complaining nonchalantly usually works for me. And fuck I dont even do that sometimes. Again fuck when I found out I was dying did I go to anyone off hand and even tell them? Nope. I dont even think I wrote it in my journal till awhile after... Just the kinda person I am I guess..
- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KJBzqe7AbJA I bought lift kits.. lol again like I say in the video im actually five ten so im not really short per say.. but lol... sometimes I honestly feel like I should just do Vlogs since again, how many people read this journal anyway? So I dont need per say to have a ton of views for one.. but its easier to talk then to type.. And even if im not the most eloquent speaker to say, its easier to just maybe if I have a thought to talk about it on the spot? Oh well maybe im gonna jinx myself here, but my cancer spot really isnt visible on my head in this video either.. maybe my hair is getting a bit better? =/
Ive felt lonely in a way lately.. The Kroger posts fault... Ive even thought of how ill never get to have a family all that kinda shit randomly.. Never get to be in love or anything.... It would be one thing(mind you a horrible thing)if it was like the old days when I was sick, when it was the migraines taking control of my life... Hell there still there, but again the thing that makes that better to say is not doing as much. So ya know... But now the fact I ive been having so many stomach issues and stuff makes it hard to even fake it if I were to try getting a GF ya know? Sigh...... The whole doctors fucking up my dick doesn't help either. Honestly ive been typing about this thing for to long ill save that complaining for another time...
Responsibilityand complaining...
Boy a lot of posts eh? Not by design though... Just have had a lot on my mind I guess. Ill try to keep the dying/sick stuff till the end, as once again ive had some other feelings I felt like writing. I still need to go over those huge Kroger posts I just made and edit em' a bit. But for now onto this I guess.. Though saying that, after realizing how long it took to write im defiantly glad I wrote it. Its kinda funny, the people im sure that post(s)is most intresting to are perhaps the people that I would want least to read it. I guess im safe since to my knowledge no one from that time period reads my journal but still... Certainly theres no malice in what I wrote... But perhaps some of it could be taken the wrong way. Of course maybe my masochistic nature but if someone ever wrote something about me, id want to read it, even if bad lol.
So... yea for the topic at hand....
Ive had a fair amount on my mind lately these nights... As I wait for the pain to subdue enough to sleep, while listening to the fan lost in my thoughts. Coming to this keen realization that I had someone entered into another period of my life with out recognizing it. I know I wrote that I had lost my friends. And I realized that the AA group of friends have also been lost. And ive been thinking about, what sort of responsablity do I hold to my friends. I just said friends here, but throw me a bone here. When I say lost a friend in at least this sence.. I mean.. The essence sorta of what makes you friends with someone. The common interest.
And ive wondered if I let certain friends down. That I was irresponsible with our friendship. I guess seeing Matt brings those feelings up. And then recently I heard that Matt had gotten drunk recently to the point he pulled a knife out on Travis and threatened him. When I asked Matt about it, he was apparently drunk enough that he didn't even know Travis was over.
But as usual its the feeling of like.. "what am I suppose to do?" Matt has been getting into trouble since the first day I met him over 10 years ago. Hes been in and out of jail, rehab etc etc...
Ive always in my mind likened my self to.. Sorta the friend "Clayton wouldn't be the first dude you would call if there was trouble, but IF you did call him he would do it"... Does that make sense? Maybe it only does in my mind. lol
Ive tried to tell Matt, and many others when they've come to me, or I asked how they were doing something to the extent of "Just because we aren't friends like we use to be, doesnt mean I want anything bad to happen to you." A broken record I guess, as ive said it quite a few times. But I mean it in a sincere way every time.
I guess I havnt complained about my mom in awhile... In general I try to stay away from the subject, since well its the same ol' same old sorta thing. No one needs to tell me, or I dont need reissurance that my mom isnt a good person. I dont need to talk shit about someone in paticular to satisfy myself like others. Of course though on the same ol' same old thing, granted you could say "well what about doctors?"... That would be true, but again, take into account what I said before, about people in paticular. And my health IS the most important thing in my life.. so.....
Anyway whatever the case, a bit of complaining about my mom simply because, not even so much of a joke, theres actually some truth to it when I say I think my mom is litterally going sorta crazy. Again not just in a jokeing mannor. Recently a couple weeks ago she bought some new pictures right, and well you hang pics on the wall. And I dunno if she has some new obessive complusive complex but litterally every day she has been switching the pics. EVERY DAY. Seriously today I just sat down at the cpu, and stared at the pics for a few mins. And to myself was like dude... are you serious? 2 weeks straight you have been switching the pics... Same thing with furinture all the time. She did her usual complaining that I never clean my room(which of course is riduclous... As I dont even know if zackery vacumms his room, but I know I have a schedule of cleaning all my stuff period.. meh anyway), and when I got in there she had thrown more shit in my room, that wasnt there before. Its like.... what the fuck is wrong with you?
Hell just yesterday I asked my mom if she was done using the vacumm so I could vacumm my room, she said yea I went up stairs vacummed my room and then put it back down stairs. Then a bit later she starts swearing at me like "you little shit head why dont you vacum your were room already!" Im like... "...I just did" Shes like, "VACUMM YOUR FUCKING ROOM"... Im like.. "...I just did." Shes like.. "....oh... well VACUMM AND DUST IT ALREADY. And why do you have TVs in your room!"
...
Zackery got in accident(AGAIN.. although not his fault)and holy fuck my mom was pissed....
AT ME... She started yelling at me how I wasnt giving her the non emergecny number. Im like wtf are you talking about seriously... Then she starts yelling about how theres to much garbage in cars....
Its like dude you are seriously insane now arnt you? lol
You know how when you get older, like grandma, grandpa sorta age, you start to get senile? Well I think my mom reached that age in her 30s or something cuz I seriously dont ever remember a time when she wasnt fucking crazy. Off the top of my head, I think when I started to "give up" on my moms sanity probably was around high school the last time she tried to slap the shit out of me.
I dont remember exactly what I did.. Ill assume it was something either trival, or nothing at all, but she started walking towards me and hitting me, and slapping me while calling me ugly. Ha ok maybe she didnt say ugly. I dont remember her ever calling me ugly while hiting me off the top of my head, but continuing, and I pushed her away to protect myself. And the first thing she did was go crazy like "OMG HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO YOUR MOTHER" sorta shit. And she went and grabbed the phone and called sharon(I think her name was)and started talking next to me(one of those so I could hear sorta deals)and was like "Do I need to call 911? He hit me. I cant take these kids anymore"
Its like... you start trying to slap the shit out of me for no reason, I push you away and now your talking about calling the police on me for hitting you?
One of the things I always seem to think about when I get frustrated about stuff like this is basically, the thought that, as a kid if I ever did anything wrong to go in the fetal position. I still vividly remember as a kid trying to hide in a closet crying while in the fetal postion. To be honest there is only one time ever... EVER that I can remember I wasnt hit when this sorta thing happened. And strangely enough it was from my father who, was more violent then my mother(where as of course my mother is more emotional abusive? To say)of course.... Random how that works. Strangely enough too, it was when I accidently fell off my bike and hit my dads car and broke off the side view mirror, which you would think would be something that might get you one.
And of course as usual even saying this im not trying to act like my life was some Sunday night movie.. But whatever.
I guess for other stories since im complaining, I had recently given my mom rent money, or maybe just money to say. And then my mom does her usual thing which I tend to ignore but since she litterealy wasnt even 5 feet from me while on the phone I took notice. She starts complaining on the phone how I never do anything, have never washed any clothes before, never cleaned my room, never give any money what so ever. And I was like "WTF did I not just give you $150" shes like.. "youve never done anything"
This is the sorta shit I have to deal with I would say on average every other day, just because lets say sometimes I get lucky and maybe I get sick, and am a sleep while shes awake that sorta thing.. Seriously, I go out and I buy all the tolietries, and she starts bitching at me that I didnt buy her water. Or say again I go and buy bathroom stuff again(which to my knowledge everyone uses), and she gets pissed and says "why dont I buy something usefull, instead of toliet paper, and soap for a change".. sorry I assumed you wanted to whipe your ass bitch.
Hell one day I had bought a bag of butterfingers, I put them in the freezer, then I came back downstairs and I saw a bag of butterfingers on the table. And I was like "did you just take my butterfingers out?" and shes like "No these ones are mine... but you can have one if you want, cuz I actually buy stuff for everyone. Not like you who has never done anything for anyone in his life" Again this is after I just came home and bought the "family" soap, all that shit. Its like wtf dude...
And again as ive said before, I was buying all my own shit ever since I dropped out of school, I paied rent all that crap. But my mom will never admit to any of it. Much like she refuses to admit she abused me or let her boyfriends abuse me. And when even my brother who was there the day my mom let her boyfriend rag doll me all over the place has commented on it, just says "I was sick, I dont remember"
Thats the kinda person my mom is I guess...
I dont think I finished either of those thoughts about my mom or matt but I just had them saved on some note pad for when I did.. But I just don't care anymore lol.
Oh yea did I mention my credit card was stolen as well? Shrug what are you gonna do though right? Im use to bad luck I guess... randomly right after the Kroger post I got de friended by "CG" on Facebook... I think the chances of her reading my journal are pretty much 0.. But still strange...