Lawyer/Doctor stuff /Facebook/The meaning of friendship/自分の来し方を思うに。。。
Again I update so infrequently now, and well maybe memory bad in general so I dont recall what I have said and havnt.
I guess ill try and make this as quick as possible. Looks like I do have that sjogrens thing. Thats good(well in a bad way), cuz I see that a lot of that in like suing doctors. As for the PBC, my liver biopsy is this Monday so I guess will see how that goes.
Of course the sjogrens thing is stupid, because its like why did you guys never test for that when I first got sick?
Also I had a pretty hard time getting my records from UofM for my eye stuff. Lets just say, apparently they forgot about it. How does one forget to do there job. Seriously... I want to know. When I hear shit like this, and of course think of all the horrible times(well basically everytime)I have to call customer service about getting a bill im not suppose. I wonder if I really could work. Because if working means doing your job half assed all the time. Who knows....
Anyway so then they have some like 5 min meeting between themselves talking if they will even give me my records. They do, so I check them in the office. Im like dude, this is only for the past year. How are these my entire medical records from kellog. There like oh, we thought you already had them.....
I just came here because I said you guys didnt give it to me. How the fuck are you going to use that as a excuse. Anyway again I sit down, watch them talk amongst themselves. Then they give me my records.. Though for whatever reason it has no like doctors notes what so ever. Im like this is seriously my entire medical record? There like yea....
So basically what there trying to tell me is, every time ive gone to the eye doctors, the doctors have never written up a report about me. So everything I have told them. Complaints does not exsist. All they have is the test results themselves. Insane.... Or wait... actually there was one other thing in here... you know those one forms you fill out right when you go to the doctor, check some boxes and what not. Well that was in these files and guess what. UofM has been trying to fake my signature basically, and signing documents. Ive never seen before. And badly as well. These doesnt even look like my writing. And the boxes get this, strangely they arent checked no, for stuff. But there just left completely blank. Boxes like do you have any pain. ARE JUST LEFT BLANK. Why would I never check off yes, for pain. And all these other kinda shit. Plus whats more, when I check boxes I usualy make a check mark. Theys just have a line in them. Very strange.
So basically, not only now do I have papers, of UofM trying to say I told them that I drink. I now have papers of UofM trying to write in my style, and doing a horrible job at it.
I wonder if I can somehow get stuff like this from my other doctors.....
Anyway pretty depressing... If only I would have seen stuff like this earlier... Maybe things would have been different.
Also I dunno how far things goes with sjogers, but if it effects all your glands, could that be why ive always had this prostaties or whatever? Also I read that it can give you numbness to say. I wonder if thats why the left side of my body got fucked up... Or maybe thats how I got carpal tunnel? Shrug....
As for other health stuff... Still have been having trouble eating for basically 3 months now. My insides have been burning really badly. I even try to sleep with ice on my stomach now. Its horrible. And my is just making it impossible to sleep. Ive had to sleep in the fetal position as well sometimes. Which is already horrible because of my hands. But now my right shoulder is stiff. And even hurts my like fore arms when I wash my hands. Weird. Still wakeing up a lot from heart stuff. And its getting worse and worse to breath. Blah.....
I also found out why my neurologist wrote that letter to the judge at my disability hearing that he thinks I have a brain tumor. Well, apparently my MRIs etc have showed brain nodules all around my pitutary gland. Again was I told. No. I guess there to small to say what they are for sure. Shrug... again seems like something you would tell your patient though...
Im still in a fight for all my money with disability. Half a year now I guess? Ridiculous... I dont know what excuse there using now. They just keep telling me there working on it. =/
Its been over a year since I talked about getting a new CPU. I was just going to get a laptop, but eventually after much window shopping I just said fuck it. Well I bit the bullet to say finally and have bought a new cpu. I hopefully will be getting it sometime with in the next 2 weeks.
And of course add a lot of other BS as usual. People not doing there job, and me being worse off because of it. The usual....
And now for the main reason im posting........
..............................................................................................
FACEBOOK....
Yes I sunk to the level of getting a face book. I normally feel things such as this, are pretty "look at me"... But I had to get something from my brother to say, and well when I thought about it.... Its actually about to be 10 years since I dropped out of school. And of course as it looks now, I probably dont have another 10 years to dilly dally. So who knows how many more chances im gonna get. And even saying that. Dont take that the wrong way, I have always wondered how people from school turned out etc. But this just gives me more of an excuse to do it I guess. Around the time I dropped out of school was a pretty shitty time in my life. I took a bad time to be dropping out, as it was around that Columbine stuff. And the school basically decided to make an example out of me as I see it. They figured a kid wants to drop out of school. He must be depressed, or want to kill someone. And of course my mom being the idiot she was kept telling me to say I was depressed and retarded like my middle brother, because then I could get money to. It was just a really shitty situation. One of those, were going to keep fucking with you, till you actually do get depressed things. And then we are right. It was just a horrible time. And they ended up getting me out of school at 15(the law is actually 16.. but they said I was a threat to myself, and others or something so... the state took me out).
And after that I pretty much lost contact with everyone from school. I definitely consider my life to be divided into parts. And dropping out of school was the end of a part of my life. And the beginning of a new one. And of course, im sure the story most know(or at least if you are bothering to read this journal), I worked at Kroger, got a job as a model, stupidly didnt take it seriously enough, and then I got sick. And now im here... shrug
So yea......
Anyway its early on, and only been a week... But ive been kinda bummed a bit maybe with how it has turned out. Maybe I didnt expect much though in the first place. Maybe its me playing Persona 4 again, but ive been thinking a lot about my relationships with others lately. Im not sure if its my fault, others fault, both... Or what... But I feel I have been misjudged even by my old friends.... Perhaps its not that though.... Maybe my life is just to different from others. I say this because when ive tried talking to my old friends, there not really....... The conversations I was hopeing for. Just usually simple, "you were so funny back in school, im good, whats up!"... Kinda ... petty stuff like that. Ive tried asking, like how are you these past 10 years, what is your life like now. What do you go to school for all that kinda stuff... But its a lot of just... "im good.... Chillin'"..... Kinda stuff.....
I feel misjudged... as in.. Do they think I was just saying what I said to be nice or something? I really do want to know what how there lives have changed, and what they are doing. Im not really looking for a "im good"..... So... Maybe its my fault..... I feel I have no deep relationships with anyone. Again and its not some cliche, I was told im dieing, so im trying to figure out what happened to everyone. I always have worried about everyone I "left behind" to say. But the whole 10 year thing, and who knows how many more chances ill get, are good enough excuses to get me off my butt to say. Maybe its my fault in a sense to... In that I actually dont like, or really like to think of myself as a good friend to anyone. I prefer to just say im friends with people. Ive never really liked the term good or best friends... I think its a lot of responsibility. Maybe thats my fault... But at the same time.... I take stuff like that seriously. I dont want to put myself out there saying I will do something that I wont I guess....
Im not really, depressed, not really angry... Im not even sure I would describe the feeling as being lonely..... hrmm maybe a little bit disappointed.... defeated as usual I guess?
Thinking even back on say video game friends... obviously, that has not turned out well. I think maybe I was misjudged in that... Like... What did I do, for people to have treated me how they have that were suppose to be my friends in the video game world. What did I do that made me out to be some liar etc. Again thinking of this merely because again I heard more people are still talking shit about me to this day. Its like seriously, do you guys have a life?
Blah... Its hard to explain/write what I wanted to say, it doesnt help that my hands hurt so it leans me towards writing faster I guess.
Maybe I shouldnt blame them for not really talking.. To say.... There still young to say. My life compared to them isnt really in the same place I guess... Though even saying that, I have seen some people talk about not having a job and being worried. I guess some are in a shitty/strange/hard period in there lives.... Just getting done with college to say. Trying to move on to a new thing.... really... moving on to adulthood to say say perhaps... Im sure thats scary in its own right. Especially with the economy.
Anyway yea it sucks I guess.... I have worried about everyone... and what they have, and will become as there lives continue on... But... I guess ive been perceived as a person that doesnt care about stuff like that maybe.
For other general things I guess.... I have gotten some replies from people I didnt expect didnt even message period(which is strange, considering I used a "fake" name)and some havnt replied... Maybe thats to be expected I guess..... Im hoping that one girl messages me back..... But... who can say. And of course its always strange to see how much others havnt changed etc.
Another thing I worry.... Seeing as how video games friends turned out... Maybe if I did keep in contact with people more regularly.. Would they have turned out the same? The same people that were my friends.. Would they have doubted me that I was sick to? Or made up lies about me... Saying that.... Maybe its impossible to have any deep relationships with people when I have such an amount of distrust in my core to say. I guess "unfortunately" I have not been proven wrong that it is wrong to have it in the first place. Especially with things like my doctors now apparently even trying to fake my writing style...... And writing that I told them that I drink and things of that nature.... I guess there isnt really a reason to trust someone in the first place. Just as maybe you can never really know someone ethier..... I guess I care about people in a different way... I care more about them there selves like.... In a .... complete kinda way? Not necessarily the moment.... Maybe this comes back to, or is related to my thought of I actually think its easier to feel sorry for people you dont know. Rather then someone your right next to at the moment. When there "close"... it doesnt feel as real.... But when you think about the future.... Anything could happen.... hrmmmm....
I guess I could write about this for a long time... And it would still never come out right......
Realizing that its been 10 years in the first place, is a little depressing in itself as well.
.............................................................................................
And I did another round of reading old journal entries... random things I forgot about....
-My GED final essay, the questions were "the relationship between a man and a woman" and "the value of friendship" lol.... I had the second I guess... pretty fucked up...
-My GED teacher(? test giver maybe is more appropriate)told me that I should just be a model and forget about taking the test. lol I guess maybe I shoulda listened....
-I apparently was offered another job from a different modeling company at one time.... I dont remember this.. I wish I had all my old model emails and job offers etc saved. But I unfortunately lost them all years ago.
-Another shitty thing I forgot about Kroger... Where as everyone else was allowed to wear sweaters or diff clothes depending on the weather(as long as the name tag was on it of course). I always had to wear my shirt. Boy fuck that guy.... I had forgotten about that one. I still wonder what assholes like that guy are doing... Again its sad because in the end, being a asshole can never truly.. like... "get theres" to say.... They have already fucked someone.. .And you cant undue being fucked... lol to say.... Nice guys always finish last I guess....
I guess ill try and make this as quick as possible. Looks like I do have that sjogrens thing. Thats good(well in a bad way), cuz I see that a lot of that in like suing doctors. As for the PBC, my liver biopsy is this Monday so I guess will see how that goes.
Of course the sjogrens thing is stupid, because its like why did you guys never test for that when I first got sick?
Also I had a pretty hard time getting my records from UofM for my eye stuff. Lets just say, apparently they forgot about it. How does one forget to do there job. Seriously... I want to know. When I hear shit like this, and of course think of all the horrible times(well basically everytime)I have to call customer service about getting a bill im not suppose. I wonder if I really could work. Because if working means doing your job half assed all the time. Who knows....
Anyway so then they have some like 5 min meeting between themselves talking if they will even give me my records. They do, so I check them in the office. Im like dude, this is only for the past year. How are these my entire medical records from kellog. There like oh, we thought you already had them.....
I just came here because I said you guys didnt give it to me. How the fuck are you going to use that as a excuse. Anyway again I sit down, watch them talk amongst themselves. Then they give me my records.. Though for whatever reason it has no like doctors notes what so ever. Im like this is seriously my entire medical record? There like yea....
So basically what there trying to tell me is, every time ive gone to the eye doctors, the doctors have never written up a report about me. So everything I have told them. Complaints does not exsist. All they have is the test results themselves. Insane.... Or wait... actually there was one other thing in here... you know those one forms you fill out right when you go to the doctor, check some boxes and what not. Well that was in these files and guess what. UofM has been trying to fake my signature basically, and signing documents. Ive never seen before. And badly as well. These doesnt even look like my writing. And the boxes get this, strangely they arent checked no, for stuff. But there just left completely blank. Boxes like do you have any pain. ARE JUST LEFT BLANK. Why would I never check off yes, for pain. And all these other kinda shit. Plus whats more, when I check boxes I usualy make a check mark. Theys just have a line in them. Very strange.
So basically, not only now do I have papers, of UofM trying to say I told them that I drink. I now have papers of UofM trying to write in my style, and doing a horrible job at it.
I wonder if I can somehow get stuff like this from my other doctors.....
Anyway pretty depressing... If only I would have seen stuff like this earlier... Maybe things would have been different.
Also I dunno how far things goes with sjogers, but if it effects all your glands, could that be why ive always had this prostaties or whatever? Also I read that it can give you numbness to say. I wonder if thats why the left side of my body got fucked up... Or maybe thats how I got carpal tunnel? Shrug....
As for other health stuff... Still have been having trouble eating for basically 3 months now. My insides have been burning really badly. I even try to sleep with ice on my stomach now. Its horrible. And my is just making it impossible to sleep. Ive had to sleep in the fetal position as well sometimes. Which is already horrible because of my hands. But now my right shoulder is stiff. And even hurts my like fore arms when I wash my hands. Weird. Still wakeing up a lot from heart stuff. And its getting worse and worse to breath. Blah.....
I also found out why my neurologist wrote that letter to the judge at my disability hearing that he thinks I have a brain tumor. Well, apparently my MRIs etc have showed brain nodules all around my pitutary gland. Again was I told. No. I guess there to small to say what they are for sure. Shrug... again seems like something you would tell your patient though...
Im still in a fight for all my money with disability. Half a year now I guess? Ridiculous... I dont know what excuse there using now. They just keep telling me there working on it. =/
Its been over a year since I talked about getting a new CPU. I was just going to get a laptop, but eventually after much window shopping I just said fuck it. Well I bit the bullet to say finally and have bought a new cpu. I hopefully will be getting it sometime with in the next 2 weeks.
And of course add a lot of other BS as usual. People not doing there job, and me being worse off because of it. The usual....
And now for the main reason im posting........
..............................................................................................
FACEBOOK....
Yes I sunk to the level of getting a face book. I normally feel things such as this, are pretty "look at me"... But I had to get something from my brother to say, and well when I thought about it.... Its actually about to be 10 years since I dropped out of school. And of course as it looks now, I probably dont have another 10 years to dilly dally. So who knows how many more chances im gonna get. And even saying that. Dont take that the wrong way, I have always wondered how people from school turned out etc. But this just gives me more of an excuse to do it I guess. Around the time I dropped out of school was a pretty shitty time in my life. I took a bad time to be dropping out, as it was around that Columbine stuff. And the school basically decided to make an example out of me as I see it. They figured a kid wants to drop out of school. He must be depressed, or want to kill someone. And of course my mom being the idiot she was kept telling me to say I was depressed and retarded like my middle brother, because then I could get money to. It was just a really shitty situation. One of those, were going to keep fucking with you, till you actually do get depressed things. And then we are right. It was just a horrible time. And they ended up getting me out of school at 15(the law is actually 16.. but they said I was a threat to myself, and others or something so... the state took me out).
And after that I pretty much lost contact with everyone from school. I definitely consider my life to be divided into parts. And dropping out of school was the end of a part of my life. And the beginning of a new one. And of course, im sure the story most know(or at least if you are bothering to read this journal), I worked at Kroger, got a job as a model, stupidly didnt take it seriously enough, and then I got sick. And now im here... shrug
So yea......
Anyway its early on, and only been a week... But ive been kinda bummed a bit maybe with how it has turned out. Maybe I didnt expect much though in the first place. Maybe its me playing Persona 4 again, but ive been thinking a lot about my relationships with others lately. Im not sure if its my fault, others fault, both... Or what... But I feel I have been misjudged even by my old friends.... Perhaps its not that though.... Maybe my life is just to different from others. I say this because when ive tried talking to my old friends, there not really....... The conversations I was hopeing for. Just usually simple, "you were so funny back in school, im good, whats up!"... Kinda ... petty stuff like that. Ive tried asking, like how are you these past 10 years, what is your life like now. What do you go to school for all that kinda stuff... But its a lot of just... "im good.... Chillin'"..... Kinda stuff.....
I feel misjudged... as in.. Do they think I was just saying what I said to be nice or something? I really do want to know what how there lives have changed, and what they are doing. Im not really looking for a "im good"..... So... Maybe its my fault..... I feel I have no deep relationships with anyone. Again and its not some cliche, I was told im dieing, so im trying to figure out what happened to everyone. I always have worried about everyone I "left behind" to say. But the whole 10 year thing, and who knows how many more chances ill get, are good enough excuses to get me off my butt to say. Maybe its my fault in a sense to... In that I actually dont like, or really like to think of myself as a good friend to anyone. I prefer to just say im friends with people. Ive never really liked the term good or best friends... I think its a lot of responsibility. Maybe thats my fault... But at the same time.... I take stuff like that seriously. I dont want to put myself out there saying I will do something that I wont I guess....
Im not really, depressed, not really angry... Im not even sure I would describe the feeling as being lonely..... hrmm maybe a little bit disappointed.... defeated as usual I guess?
Thinking even back on say video game friends... obviously, that has not turned out well. I think maybe I was misjudged in that... Like... What did I do, for people to have treated me how they have that were suppose to be my friends in the video game world. What did I do that made me out to be some liar etc. Again thinking of this merely because again I heard more people are still talking shit about me to this day. Its like seriously, do you guys have a life?
Blah... Its hard to explain/write what I wanted to say, it doesnt help that my hands hurt so it leans me towards writing faster I guess.
Maybe I shouldnt blame them for not really talking.. To say.... There still young to say. My life compared to them isnt really in the same place I guess... Though even saying that, I have seen some people talk about not having a job and being worried. I guess some are in a shitty/strange/hard period in there lives.... Just getting done with college to say. Trying to move on to a new thing.... really... moving on to adulthood to say say perhaps... Im sure thats scary in its own right. Especially with the economy.
Anyway yea it sucks I guess.... I have worried about everyone... and what they have, and will become as there lives continue on... But... I guess ive been perceived as a person that doesnt care about stuff like that maybe.
For other general things I guess.... I have gotten some replies from people I didnt expect didnt even message period(which is strange, considering I used a "fake" name)and some havnt replied... Maybe thats to be expected I guess..... Im hoping that one girl messages me back..... But... who can say. And of course its always strange to see how much others havnt changed etc.
Another thing I worry.... Seeing as how video games friends turned out... Maybe if I did keep in contact with people more regularly.. Would they have turned out the same? The same people that were my friends.. Would they have doubted me that I was sick to? Or made up lies about me... Saying that.... Maybe its impossible to have any deep relationships with people when I have such an amount of distrust in my core to say. I guess "unfortunately" I have not been proven wrong that it is wrong to have it in the first place. Especially with things like my doctors now apparently even trying to fake my writing style...... And writing that I told them that I drink and things of that nature.... I guess there isnt really a reason to trust someone in the first place. Just as maybe you can never really know someone ethier..... I guess I care about people in a different way... I care more about them there selves like.... In a .... complete kinda way? Not necessarily the moment.... Maybe this comes back to, or is related to my thought of I actually think its easier to feel sorry for people you dont know. Rather then someone your right next to at the moment. When there "close"... it doesnt feel as real.... But when you think about the future.... Anything could happen.... hrmmmm....
I guess I could write about this for a long time... And it would still never come out right......
Realizing that its been 10 years in the first place, is a little depressing in itself as well.
.............................................................................................
And I did another round of reading old journal entries... random things I forgot about....
-My GED final essay, the questions were "the relationship between a man and a woman" and "the value of friendship" lol.... I had the second I guess... pretty fucked up...
-My GED teacher(? test giver maybe is more appropriate)told me that I should just be a model and forget about taking the test. lol I guess maybe I shoulda listened....
-I apparently was offered another job from a different modeling company at one time.... I dont remember this.. I wish I had all my old model emails and job offers etc saved. But I unfortunately lost them all years ago.
-Another shitty thing I forgot about Kroger... Where as everyone else was allowed to wear sweaters or diff clothes depending on the weather(as long as the name tag was on it of course). I always had to wear my shirt. Boy fuck that guy.... I had forgotten about that one. I still wonder what assholes like that guy are doing... Again its sad because in the end, being a asshole can never truly.. like... "get theres" to say.... They have already fucked someone.. .And you cant undue being fucked... lol to say.... Nice guys always finish last I guess....