so i'm thinking about posting here again.
mostly because i don't think anyone i know who used livejournal when i posted actively still does. so it's like who cares what i say, right. i like the privateness of it. you know, kind of ironically i felt kind of naked here (or maybe i just felt lazy, honestly) so i started posting on tumblr. and then i was posting mostly photos, and people were following me mostly for photos, so i made a side blog just for talking about me. but then people started reading it, and i felt naked, again. so i made another blog - i won't give out the url to anyone i know, i usually don't mention it either - but now that has thousands of followers. which is strange because i'm really not that interesting. but with that many people reading, i feel on display. i talk about mundane things, but it's with a lot of self-awareness. i like that i feel like i've made friends from it all, and honestly i have really lovely followers, but i feel pretty on display regardless.
i guess this all means that really i just shouldn't journal on the internet. but i do keep a real journal, and it's great and private and unlined. it's just a very different experience. for some reason, it's much more emotionally draining to actually write things down. i like that i can just think, and somehow magically my hands have typed it.
so, some things have happened in the past two years, surprisingly:
1. i've mostly given up on capital letters.
2. i'm still at swarthmore. i'm a junior now. actually. it's the end of junior year. i'm almost a senior.
3. i have Big Plans for my life now. kind of. i have direction at least.
4. i'm not very sentimental any more. i guess i'm still pretty emotional but it's in that unhinged and raw kind of way.
5. i'm either very depressed or very detached most of the time. (see: above.) we could have probably predicted this, looking back. and admittedly when i stopped posting on here i was already aware of these things. and i was already having crazy anxiety. i just wasn't in therapy, only on loads of medication.
6. i've gained a lot and lost a lot. i've also shed a lot of the things i used to cling to and crave. i think this makes me a better person but also a really different one.
7. i've been hit by a car.
8. i like fashion, running and traveling a lot more.
9. i like death cab for cutie, scarves, and studying a lot less. the problem with the last one is that part of #3 involves phd programs. fffff.
10. sometimes i feel mostly the same as i've always been, sometimes completely different. when i look back to old posts, i don't even really cringe at the melodrama of it all. or i try not to, haha.
these are a lot of i-statements. sorry. i guess i'm a solipsist. (see what i did there?)
i guess this all means that really i just shouldn't journal on the internet. but i do keep a real journal, and it's great and private and unlined. it's just a very different experience. for some reason, it's much more emotionally draining to actually write things down. i like that i can just think, and somehow magically my hands have typed it.
so, some things have happened in the past two years, surprisingly:
1. i've mostly given up on capital letters.
2. i'm still at swarthmore. i'm a junior now. actually. it's the end of junior year. i'm almost a senior.
3. i have Big Plans for my life now. kind of. i have direction at least.
4. i'm not very sentimental any more. i guess i'm still pretty emotional but it's in that unhinged and raw kind of way.
5. i'm either very depressed or very detached most of the time. (see: above.) we could have probably predicted this, looking back. and admittedly when i stopped posting on here i was already aware of these things. and i was already having crazy anxiety. i just wasn't in therapy, only on loads of medication.
6. i've gained a lot and lost a lot. i've also shed a lot of the things i used to cling to and crave. i think this makes me a better person but also a really different one.
7. i've been hit by a car.
8. i like fashion, running and traveling a lot more.
9. i like death cab for cutie, scarves, and studying a lot less. the problem with the last one is that part of #3 involves phd programs. fffff.
10. sometimes i feel mostly the same as i've always been, sometimes completely different. when i look back to old posts, i don't even really cringe at the melodrama of it all. or i try not to, haha.
these are a lot of i-statements. sorry. i guess i'm a solipsist. (see what i did there?)