You can’t stay safe. You can’t stay here.
Look. Maybe I’ll try this again. Maybe I just need some place to collect my thoughts and gather up a storm that’s been in my head for too long now, let it loose and focus again.
Finding out someone you loved, someone you had a child with, lied to you is hard. It’s a pain that I couldn’t understand for months, and when I did, it just hurt a lot. I was struggling mentally. My work was hurting. I was hurting. I felt like my relationships with friends were hurting. My brain just couldn’t deal with it. I needed some sort of outlet. My usual outlet, video games, weren’t doing enough to help me despite how much the Yakuza series moved me, especially 6 and the dad vibes that game has.
Around August, I caught wind of something called Blaseball. Blaseball is, for lack of a better way to describe, an AI driven baseball simulator with made up teams and players. People can bet using coins earned in game on teams to earn more money and buy things to let them gamble more. If you run out, you can “pray to the Blaseball Gods” and get a bit of change. No real money involved. At the end of a season, players can vote on new rules to implement into the games as well as put tickets in for a raffle to boost your team’s stats.
Simple, right?
Season 1 was just your average series. Then came the election, where folks voted to open the forbidden book because curiosity killed the cat and in this case, well. Early into season 2, folks found out what the new weather, eclipse, does, or rather Jaylen Hotdogfingers of the Seattle Garages did. They were incinerated by a rogue umpire and replaced by a new random player. More incinerations happened.
Season 3 is when I joined. There was a large roleplaying community on Twitter. It turned out I sorta enjoyed roleplaying but never actually committing to a character designed by someone else so I made the New York Millennials Splortscaster. I used my twitch channel I wasn’t using for much and started commentating games. Started bopping about with the community. Started having a good time and feeling like I was a part of a community. Started to feel good again. I feel like I’m my old self again.
There are videos and such online to describe this game more but ultimately, I have way too much fun. Right now, it’s on break so the team can get the next phase ready. It stopped at a point I felt good again, but there is another reason why for that.
Way back in January, I had downloaded a bunch of dating apps and tried. I did. I talked to a few women but mostly nothing. Covid and my self-esteem since January was pretty low. Rock bottom, probably. Didn’t help my ex kept sending me mixed signals too and fucking with my head. Problems of living with your ex because you had to sign a lease so you and your daughter still had a roof over their heads.
And the folks I did match? I could barely get a conversation going. I couldn’t quite figure that one out. Even the couple folks at work I wanted to get to know more but was too much of a coward then too.
I was a coward. Still am.
My birthday rolled around and, for whatever reason, something clicked. It was like any other birthday I had. Birthday card from my daughter. Birthday wishes on Facebook. That’s it. The difference this year was that I took things into my own hands. Got myself a cake. Went out to some food trucks up the road. I took things into my own hands. I didn’t rely on someone trying to make my day special.
I did things for myself.
It was that moment in a basic ass September that I realized things changed in me. I was so distracted in the story around Blaseball where we were trying to fight a giant peanut deity that I didn’t care about my ex much at all other than for her well being taking care of my daughter. I was chatting with folks in the roleplay community. I was chatting with other streamers and reporter type folks about the big stuff going down. I was cheering for a bunch of teams because they all deserved a win. I was clapping as the narrative with a giant peanut unfolded. I was making memes and having a giggle with everyone there. I was having fun.
It was around this time I had to make a trip to the DMV. It was around this time I matched with someone. It was around this time I sent a message over something stupid because it was funny to me since I was exhausted. It was around this time I asked a question that, to me, seemed like a gamble.
She was just as weird as I am.
It started with asking for podcast recommendations and opened up to a whole lot more. I mentioned Blaseball and with a quick glimpse she has an interest. She was interesting. I held back as much as I could because I didn’t want to open the flood gates of my life. I want to take things slow, especially because of that stigmatized idea with dating apps.
We were talking for a week. Both of us like Frank Turner and like similar music. Sometimes I’d say good morning. Sometimes she’d say good morning. We texted a lot. She came off really cool to me despite her saying otherwise. I was the same about myself. We were really hitting it off. I then worked the courage and asked her for coffee. She said yes. We were going to get those ghost pepper donuts at Dunkin. I bought a couple and put them in the freezer. I then panicked because I thought a coffee date wasn’t enough so I suggested we go to dinner instead. She didn’t care.
I picked her up at her place. We had a good time. I forgot the donuts though. Oops. After dinner I was nervous because we had plenty of time in the evening. I suggested a walk. She suggested going back to her place. Went with the latter. Sat on the couch and talked for awhile. My nerves were on the fritz. I knew what was going on. The signs were there. I was scared. I was a coward.
But I didn’t run. After awhile, I made a move. It was the right one. I ended up going home at 3am.
We’ve been seeing each other for a few times now. It’s been... it’s been great. I keep having to fight myself from getting ahead of myself. I keep having a sort of panic attack because I feel like I’m going too fast and my mind starts racing thoughts that don’t make sense for the situation. We like each other. We like spending time. She thinks I’m cool. She’s cool.
I’m happy right now and that is what matters.
This year has been complete trash. I’m glad there is some sort of positive thing that is happening.