A worn comatose
I got to a lot of thinking, randomly, today. Mostly because of my actions and something I want to talk to Jackie about on a personal level. Didn't help to the fact that part of that something revolved around... well I'll leave this part out for good reason.
I'm holding back on a lot. One of the things that I have a problem is I run in swinging, hoping that I can get what I want and enjoy it. I feel like every opportunity has a window, which it essentially does, but there are these are opportunities that aren't exactly something that needs to be rushed.
One issue I really have is that as open as I try to be, I'm not. I could say a ton of things to Jackie and I end up stumbling over my own tongue which will inevitably have me choking to death on one day. For example, today I wanted to explain why I had my back turned as she was changing her shirt. Believe me when I say, I want to look, but I also want to be respectful.
In theory, a man has 2 minds. I don't think I need to explain this in detail, right? I'm trying to not think with that other head. It's what's been keeping me from doing the completely... okay ya know what, as I think this out, I realize how idiotic it sounds, coming from me anyways. I walked through a damn thunderstorm with a downpour just so I could have Alyssa spend the night at my house. I've poured my heart out just so it can be picked up by someone else's Shamwow and I end up in a relationship for over a year which was hell the whole time. I do idiotic things no matter what I try to do. My theory sucks...
Past relationships are extremely odd. The last couple relationships I've had were rushed (not counting Alex since it never really stretched past "I like you" and the whole sharing the bed on Thanksgiving). It was rushed because everything has already been experienced in past relationships (Maybe not so much with Liz) but at the same time, there was a need that both ends needed to be filled. Something both sides were capable of fulfilling, which is why it was rushed.
Point is, I don't want to rush things. I've been resisting any urge simply because I'm trying to be as civil as possible without over-stepping boundaries. I don't want to push no matter how badly I want something. I can't. It's not my nature. I have to have some sort of sign or signal or fireworks or just some blunt gesture or something to let me know what to do next. I really don't want to push the envelope and end something that is so far awesome.
I guess I really need to talk to Jackie about this. Explain my crazy, awkward, nervous self and all that. There's always a reason for something...
I'm holding back on a lot. One of the things that I have a problem is I run in swinging, hoping that I can get what I want and enjoy it. I feel like every opportunity has a window, which it essentially does, but there are these are opportunities that aren't exactly something that needs to be rushed.
One issue I really have is that as open as I try to be, I'm not. I could say a ton of things to Jackie and I end up stumbling over my own tongue which will inevitably have me choking to death on one day. For example, today I wanted to explain why I had my back turned as she was changing her shirt. Believe me when I say, I want to look, but I also want to be respectful.
In theory, a man has 2 minds. I don't think I need to explain this in detail, right? I'm trying to not think with that other head. It's what's been keeping me from doing the completely... okay ya know what, as I think this out, I realize how idiotic it sounds, coming from me anyways. I walked through a damn thunderstorm with a downpour just so I could have Alyssa spend the night at my house. I've poured my heart out just so it can be picked up by someone else's Shamwow and I end up in a relationship for over a year which was hell the whole time. I do idiotic things no matter what I try to do. My theory sucks...
Past relationships are extremely odd. The last couple relationships I've had were rushed (not counting Alex since it never really stretched past "I like you" and the whole sharing the bed on Thanksgiving). It was rushed because everything has already been experienced in past relationships (Maybe not so much with Liz) but at the same time, there was a need that both ends needed to be filled. Something both sides were capable of fulfilling, which is why it was rushed.
Point is, I don't want to rush things. I've been resisting any urge simply because I'm trying to be as civil as possible without over-stepping boundaries. I don't want to push no matter how badly I want something. I can't. It's not my nature. I have to have some sort of sign or signal or fireworks or just some blunt gesture or something to let me know what to do next. I really don't want to push the envelope and end something that is so far awesome.
I guess I really need to talk to Jackie about this. Explain my crazy, awkward, nervous self and all that. There's always a reason for something...