Friday 4 September 1942
In the Kyteler twins' private language
Everything's been confusing over the last few days. Well, the last few weeks, and really, months and years. My family has never been like the other families with a mother and a father. Daddy was away so much, and Mum works so hard. When we were little Hadrian and I got away from it all together, with Endymion sometimes even if I didn't like it. I used to think he was at the war all the time, and I suppose he was, but he was also with the other family. Sometimes when I'm talking with Fia I wish so much that I could have had a whole family years ago, but I didn't and I didn't even know I wanted it.
Anyway, we left for school on Tuesday after a huge fight between Mum and Cousin Michael about Hadrian and Endymion and Lavinia, which was peculiar all round, because Mum came down really hard on the size of this world and insisted that Justin and Alanna should ride in the carriage that came from Daddy's house for me with Fia and Hadrian and Endymion. And yet if it hadn't been for that, I'm sure she'd have tried to keep them away from Endymion (although probably not from Fia, she is very fair about Fia), even if Justin is in his House at school.
I wondered if perhaps it meant that in the long run she too might be able to see that we're all one large family too. But I suppose that so far she is the one who doesn't gain anything from it, and I don't know if she can. Endymion dislikes her and she him, and there's so many bruises there and I don't think either of them forgive so well. And I don't know if she and Lavinia have anything to give to each other any more, even a long time in the future. And maybe she and Daddy don't either, which is the bit I think that hurts the most.
And then the next day Endymion and Jonathan got word that Medmenham Abbey had burned to the ground, with their parents in it (although not their sister too). And I wasn't very good to them about that. I feel so bad for them, that they can have lived in such a family where their parents die and they can't grieve. But it's not as though I didn't have some idea of what their family was like and there was always something especially odd about Lady Dashwood. I used to think it was the opiates and the alcohol and whatever it was that she used so much of, but maybe something else as well. The reason for the opiates and alcohol. So I shouldn't have let them see that I was sad for them unless they needed to see it, which they decidedly didn't. And I felt even worse when I realised I was doing that, but eventually Hadrian talked some sense into me. I even let him, for once.
I don't know what to say about the Dashwoods I suppose. I have nothing to forgive them, and it is not my place to ask forgiveness for them from anyone else. May God have mercy on their souls.
Endymion and Jonathan seem to be doing a little bit better as each day goes by, or they can hide things a little bit better, or maybe both. Endymion said he dearly wanted the prank on Jeremy to go ahead, and I just... well, it's good to make Endymion happy, or amused at least, and it's at Jeremy's expense, Jeremy who is so hateful to him, and me, and everyone else who gets in his way or looks weak enough to take it. I don't feel right about it. Or rather, I feel like I shouldn't feel right about it, and yet mostly I do. I took his pants and got into his room and levitated them in the general direction of what I think must be his clean clothes... heap. It's going to happen now. I don't think I feel so bad that I don't want to watch. It's just that I don't think it would teach him anything. I suppose if Hadrian or Endymion were here though, they'd remind me that nothing will teach him anything, but maybe some things will teach people about him.
And they'd be right.
Everything's been confusing over the last few days. Well, the last few weeks, and really, months and years. My family has never been like the other families with a mother and a father. Daddy was away so much, and Mum works so hard. When we were little Hadrian and I got away from it all together, with Endymion sometimes even if I didn't like it. I used to think he was at the war all the time, and I suppose he was, but he was also with the other family. Sometimes when I'm talking with Fia I wish so much that I could have had a whole family years ago, but I didn't and I didn't even know I wanted it.
Anyway, we left for school on Tuesday after a huge fight between Mum and Cousin Michael about Hadrian and Endymion and Lavinia, which was peculiar all round, because Mum came down really hard on the size of this world and insisted that Justin and Alanna should ride in the carriage that came from Daddy's house for me with Fia and Hadrian and Endymion. And yet if it hadn't been for that, I'm sure she'd have tried to keep them away from Endymion (although probably not from Fia, she is very fair about Fia), even if Justin is in his House at school.
I wondered if perhaps it meant that in the long run she too might be able to see that we're all one large family too. But I suppose that so far she is the one who doesn't gain anything from it, and I don't know if she can. Endymion dislikes her and she him, and there's so many bruises there and I don't think either of them forgive so well. And I don't know if she and Lavinia have anything to give to each other any more, even a long time in the future. And maybe she and Daddy don't either, which is the bit I think that hurts the most.
And then the next day Endymion and Jonathan got word that Medmenham Abbey had burned to the ground, with their parents in it (although not their sister too). And I wasn't very good to them about that. I feel so bad for them, that they can have lived in such a family where their parents die and they can't grieve. But it's not as though I didn't have some idea of what their family was like and there was always something especially odd about Lady Dashwood. I used to think it was the opiates and the alcohol and whatever it was that she used so much of, but maybe something else as well. The reason for the opiates and alcohol. So I shouldn't have let them see that I was sad for them unless they needed to see it, which they decidedly didn't. And I felt even worse when I realised I was doing that, but eventually Hadrian talked some sense into me. I even let him, for once.
I don't know what to say about the Dashwoods I suppose. I have nothing to forgive them, and it is not my place to ask forgiveness for them from anyone else. May God have mercy on their souls.
Endymion and Jonathan seem to be doing a little bit better as each day goes by, or they can hide things a little bit better, or maybe both. Endymion said he dearly wanted the prank on Jeremy to go ahead, and I just... well, it's good to make Endymion happy, or amused at least, and it's at Jeremy's expense, Jeremy who is so hateful to him, and me, and everyone else who gets in his way or looks weak enough to take it. I don't feel right about it. Or rather, I feel like I shouldn't feel right about it, and yet mostly I do. I took his pants and got into his room and levitated them in the general direction of what I think must be his clean clothes... heap. It's going to happen now. I don't think I feel so bad that I don't want to watch. It's just that I don't think it would teach him anything. I suppose if Hadrian or Endymion were here though, they'd remind me that nothing will teach him anything, but maybe some things will teach people about him.
And they'd be right.