We. Need. This. Movie.
Want to see the best movie since that version of Othello with Mr. T in the title role and Chuck Norris as Iago? Here it is:
*EXPLOSION*
Movie Voice-over Guy: "From the creators of 'Sin City' and 'Grindhouse' comes the first movie about cops,..."
*CUT TO POLICE CAR CHASE SCENE*
...*EXTREME CLOSE UP*
Vin Diesel: "I've only got one chance to make this happen"
*GUNSHOTS*
*BRAKES SQUEALING*
Movie Voice-over Guy: "...robbers,..."
*CUT TO SHADOWY FIGURE NEXT TO A HUGE WINDOW OVERLOOKING CHICAGO*
Micheal Caine: "They'll never know what hit them..."
*FLEETING SHOT OF A COMMAND CENTER WITH CAINE ON SCREEEN*
*SHOT OF HUGE PILE OF MONEY*
*SHOT OF POLICE SIREN*
Movie Voice-over Guy: "... and One. Bad. Romance."
*CUE "BAD ROMANCE"*
*FADE IN LADY GAGA RISING FROM THE FLOOR ON A PLATFORM WITH SPANDEX DANCERS*
*EPIC DANCE SEQUENCE*
Lady Gaga (voiceover): I've never been one to skip out on a fight.
*SHOT OF STAGE AND FIREWORKS*
Movie Voice-Over Guy: "Vin Diesel. As. LEX ARCHER"
*JUMP CUT DIESEL SLOWING STANDING UP IN BURNED POLICE UNIFORM*
Diesel: "They've burned me once. Never again."
Movie Voice-Over Guy: "Lady Gaga. As. HERSELF."
*JUMP CUT GAGA IN STYLIZED MILITARY/BONDAGE OUTFIT*
Gaga: This is for...Alejandro.
Movie Voice-Over Guy: "Directed by Tarantino and Rodriguez, hot off the tracks of 'Machete...'"
*CUT TO SHOT OF DIESEL AND GAGA AN EMBRACE*
*EXTREME CLOSE UP DIESEL*
Diesel: "Can I trust you?"
*EXTREME CLOSE UP GAGA*
*A BEAT*
Gaga: "No."
*JUMP CUT DIESEL WITH BLAZING MACHINE GUNS*
*JUMP CUT GAGA ROASTING BADDIES WITH BOOB FLAMETHROWERS*
*JUMP CUT CAINE LAUGHING IN FRONT OF A BURNING BUILDING*
*CONTINUOUS MONTAGE OF ACTION*
*MUSICAL CRESCENDO*
Movie Voice-Over Guy: "Prepare for..."
*TITLE CARD*
Movie Voice-Over Guy: "THE FAME MOBSTER"
*JUMP CUT MICHEAL CAINE LOOKING DOWN AT CAMERA*
*POINTS GUN*
Caine: "I'm sorry. I just broke your telephone. (chuckles)"
*GUNSHOT*
*CREDITS*
*COMING SOON*
Let me be clear, this masterpiece is not my invention. My friend Danny T came up with this idea and the outline for the trailer (and the concept was originated by his friend, Paolo). But with this nugget alone, I think they need to be put in charge of Hollywood because, come on! I defy you to tell me that wouldn't be one of the greatest movies ever. EV-AR!!!
*EXPLOSION*
Movie Voice-over Guy: "From the creators of 'Sin City' and 'Grindhouse' comes the first movie about cops,..."
*CUT TO POLICE CAR CHASE SCENE*
...*EXTREME CLOSE UP*
Vin Diesel: "I've only got one chance to make this happen"
*GUNSHOTS*
*BRAKES SQUEALING*
Movie Voice-over Guy: "...robbers,..."
*CUT TO SHADOWY FIGURE NEXT TO A HUGE WINDOW OVERLOOKING CHICAGO*
Micheal Caine: "They'll never know what hit them..."
*FLEETING SHOT OF A COMMAND CENTER WITH CAINE ON SCREEEN*
*SHOT OF HUGE PILE OF MONEY*
*SHOT OF POLICE SIREN*
Movie Voice-over Guy: "... and One. Bad. Romance."
*CUE "BAD ROMANCE"*
*FADE IN LADY GAGA RISING FROM THE FLOOR ON A PLATFORM WITH SPANDEX DANCERS*
*EPIC DANCE SEQUENCE*
Lady Gaga (voiceover): I've never been one to skip out on a fight.
*SHOT OF STAGE AND FIREWORKS*
Movie Voice-Over Guy: "Vin Diesel. As. LEX ARCHER"
*JUMP CUT DIESEL SLOWING STANDING UP IN BURNED POLICE UNIFORM*
Diesel: "They've burned me once. Never again."
Movie Voice-Over Guy: "Lady Gaga. As. HERSELF."
*JUMP CUT GAGA IN STYLIZED MILITARY/BONDAGE OUTFIT*
Gaga: This is for...Alejandro.
Movie Voice-Over Guy: "Directed by Tarantino and Rodriguez, hot off the tracks of 'Machete...'"
*CUT TO SHOT OF DIESEL AND GAGA AN EMBRACE*
*EXTREME CLOSE UP DIESEL*
Diesel: "Can I trust you?"
*EXTREME CLOSE UP GAGA*
*A BEAT*
Gaga: "No."
*JUMP CUT DIESEL WITH BLAZING MACHINE GUNS*
*JUMP CUT GAGA ROASTING BADDIES WITH BOOB FLAMETHROWERS*
*JUMP CUT CAINE LAUGHING IN FRONT OF A BURNING BUILDING*
*CONTINUOUS MONTAGE OF ACTION*
*MUSICAL CRESCENDO*
Movie Voice-Over Guy: "Prepare for..."
*TITLE CARD*
Movie Voice-Over Guy: "THE FAME MOBSTER"
*JUMP CUT MICHEAL CAINE LOOKING DOWN AT CAMERA*
*POINTS GUN*
Caine: "I'm sorry. I just broke your telephone. (chuckles)"
*GUNSHOT*
*CREDITS*
*COMING SOON*
Let me be clear, this masterpiece is not my invention. My friend Danny T came up with this idea and the outline for the trailer (and the concept was originated by his friend, Paolo). But with this nugget alone, I think they need to be put in charge of Hollywood because, come on! I defy you to tell me that wouldn't be one of the greatest movies ever. EV-AR!!!